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STORY CONTEST - 5 (RESULTS ON PAGE 26) (Page 2)

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visrom

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visrom

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Posted: 19 September 2011 at 3:32am | IP Logged

I thought I had got 10 stories. If I have missed anyone's story, I am sorry. Please PM your story to me again.

 
 This is an extra reserved post for any missing stories.


Edited by visrom - 19 September 2011 at 3:33am

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visrom

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visrom

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Posted: 19 September 2011 at 3:35am | IP Logged
All participants and non-participants, please read the stories and comment on them.
 
Voting will be done as usual...marks out of 10. No complications. I have no time to work it out. Sorry.
 
LAST DATE FOR SUBMITTING VOTES : OCT 3.
 
If you guess any names, please don't post them here.
 


Edited by visrom - 19 September 2011 at 4:11am

KhotaSikaShreya

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Posted: 19 September 2011 at 10:37am | IP Logged
Can we post reviews as we read the stories or after we finish reading all the stories?

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Posted: 19 September 2011 at 8:43pm | IP Logged
It's up to you ... but I guess if while reading the stories one is posting reviews ... id suggest you to go randomly ... so that many get a chance to read the reviews of their stories !!!

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visrom

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Posted: 27 September 2011 at 6:10pm | IP Logged
Reviews by one person.
 
 
first of all, mind blowing effort from all the creative writers, its really a tuff work to re-write anything, to placed steps on pre steps of sumone, i must appreciated all.


Story # 1: "CID aur Nanhay Detectives", its really an excillent effort, consists of very much maar dhaar, Caine character was superbly portrayed, Abhijeet exclusion and inclusion was great, the invasion of black cat, vikrant and every character was really good, use and gyaan of ammunations was also good but bit OTT especially at first scene, the idea of why the three students be there much be logical, the writing languagee was mind blowing, story was littel lengthy.


Story # 2: "Bhutiya Larki Ka Raaz", some glimpse of Abhi Sir revolves in my mind and gives
a smile on my lips while reading the title, it a new and very very good approach,
i must admit that the clutter as being a student now a days we all facing, the mafia which
really draw a line on wrong path for young shinnes, Sachin grabbed by police was hilirious
and i really saw the scene infront of my eyes where Sachin told the subject name of his research to the guy, the culprit at the end was easily identified, but really this try in a very different aspect.


Story # 3 : "Maut Ka Aashirwaad", its a nice try, the language creating problem for me because the writer used SMS language specially in some places, basically i did not find any difference in this story from the original episode except the chemical name, same Kajal and her brother inclusion in the case, same cuts found at groom thumb and bride head, the same finger prints found at utensils and washed by groom father, but a good try.

Story # 4: "Bhagdad Mein Hui Maut Ka Raaz", i think the writer dragged the episode, sume gyaan are good, but tried to be more crisp, the last patch was OTT.


Story # 5: "Khatra Chemical Bomb Ka", its a wow effort, eleven bombs in different places, the puzzles and clues especially about the route mapping was really mind blowing, story was littel lengthy but really enjoyable, the writer tried alot to xplain every bits and chunks of story but still did not satisfy with the motive which is much silly and the culprit who nabbed very easily.
 

Story # 6: "Daya Ki Dulhan Ka Raaz", a piece of very good work, i must appreciated that the Investigative part which was much more in that, the writer did not Dragged the Daya-Ansha moments which is really good, sumhow i did not like the inclusion of that CD, culprit easily nabbed by CID and the last patch which was much rushy, i think the Motive would be so strong and if the writer tried to make the girl (Ansha) as culprit (cz in real she was also playing drama) so he/she was trying to use her character more stiff and challenging, Abhi-Daya conversation was portrayed in a lighter way, which is also nice, i hope if FireWorks read it they'll surely try for another attempt.

Story # 7: " Daya Ek Qatil", its really a very very good effort especially the investigation and motive were too good,the story was bit confusing cz the writer handled two cases simultaneously and linked them with each other, but i really appreciated and obliged to the writer the she/he tried alot to portray that chemistry and care between Duo which we all missed in that EPI, the plan was also good, the supportive characters especially Freddie did a fabulous job, i hope FireWorks reads it and may be cum with it in near future.


Story # 8: "Manav Bomb", the story was good but short, its new and different to see the plot revolves around Dr.Salunkhy but i did not like the motive of culprit, it must be more strong and also the culprit and yes much confused that how the culprit trained students to fulfill his SWARTH especially in today's era.

Story # 9 : now the icing of the story contest, its really awesome, fantabulous, rockin
even as a layman i gained lots of information from this story, its a total action packed thrill
the motive of culprit, the culprit gyaan, the route mapping, Daya sharp identification, Abhijeet accurate shot from the building, the team support, the logic of Heli used by ACP, the character of RJ Veer and the use of radio was very nice, i am really sad to have just two hands for clapping purpose.


Story # 10: "Ganesh Utsav", the first thing in that story i enjoyed alot was the Disclaimer, its simply mazaidaar, the idea of drugs and especially how it invaded inside the murthi's, the paint jaankaari was very informative, the Duo shuffling in situations with original ones and the most important was Ghani Bhai who nabbed so much easily (not at Wanted), i liked alot to see sum big officials name because i must agreed that if no higher officials backed those rackets, they never ever emerged again in society.
 
 
 
The person had guessed the names. I edited them for now. Wink

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Posted: 02 October 2011 at 1:47am | IP Logged

I'm posting my reviews a bit early because I'll be online via mobile only for quite a while now. Those who haven't sent their scores yet, please read this after doing so. Tongue Wink LOL Just my humble opinions here.


Story 1 (CID Aur Nanhe Detectives)

From the choice of the episode, I had expected something more moderate, but this was quite an action-packed story! Though that's understandable, given the villains are terrorists. The attack on the school, weapons and countermeasures by commandoes were very realistically depicted. Interesting how it was turned into an Abhijeet-centric story, and Imran's relationship with him was sweetly shown. Cain was a formidable villain. I liked how you brought in a flavour of AKAKR without merging the actual story with it. The scene where ACP sir forcefully frees the criminal from cops could also have been adapted, but the story worked well without it too. You could've trimmed it a bit though, but anyway, great work! Thumbs Up

 

Story 2 (Bhutiya Ladki Ka Raaz)

I think this was a very sensible and well-thought way to handle the plot. The twist regarding the paper-leaking racket was unexpected and very well done, including the suspense built up to it in the previous scenes. Apt, clear style of writing and good investigation. Sachin's disguise scene was nice and I liked how it was shown via the flashback… a student of "protein crystallography in biomolecules" LOL. Good technical details and forensic scene, such as Dr. Salunkhe's demonstration of diffraction which leads them in search of the projector (I'd have liked a bit more deduction leading up to this point, though). Really enjoyed it. Clap

 

Story 3 (Maut Ka Aashirwaad)

Good effort. The forensic scenes and interactions between the team were improved, but I felt much of the story remained largely the same as the original episode. You could've tried adding more twists and turns, for example, perhaps Salunkhe adding "mujhe toh koi fingerprints mile hi nahin the" after the culprit had confessed. Also, try not to use SMS lingo so that it's easier to understand. I'm sure you can do even better! Smile

 

Story 4 (Bhagdar Mein Maut Ka Raaz)

The concept of toxic paint was intriguing, though I'm not sure if it's enough to classify it as a federal offense. The suspense was well built up and method of death was interesting, I also liked how Daya's past relationship with the victim was depicted. However, I feel the story dragged a lot and could do with quite a bit of trimming. Interactions between the duo were a bit… weird and unnatural in places. For example the scene where Daya sir carries Abhijeet out of the room was interesting, but the actual description was quite OTT. If you could look into these issues more, I'm sure you can do much better. Smile

 

Story 5 (Khatra Chemical Bomb Ka)

Tip of my hat to all the hard work going on at Tum Pagal Ho Road in Lala Land Wink LOL. The writing style was crisp and clear, and the pace was adrenaline-fueled and exciting. The entire sequence of the team hunting down the bombs and diffusing them was well shown. The puzzles and clues involved were interesting, though you could've made them a bit more in a way that the reader could be involved further themselves (example, the anagram was quite tough to solve alone until it was involved). Dhiru was a good villain with a sympathetic background, but I thought his motive at the end could've been improved a bit (example, "main aapki pariksha le raha tha" instead of "main badla le raha tha"). Also you could've expanded on how possessed the experti to create and plant the bombs so well. Nevertheless, cool and exciting story. Big smile

 

Story 6 (Daya Ki Dulhan Ka Raaz)

Nice attempt. Most of it was a notable improvement over the original and the investigation + characterization were well depicted, staying true to the team's character. Ramesh's and Rizwain's characters were intriguing, and the Daya/Ansha scenes were kept short and to-the-point. I think Ansha should've had a stronger motive for trapping Daya sir and you could've portrayed her as a more formidable, femme fatale-esque villain which would've made the story more exciting. Also the second half was a bit hastily paced and the climax could've been stronger. But despite the heartbreak, the ending was sweet and I liked the duo interaction here much more than in the original. Good work! Smile

 

Story 7 (Daya Ek Qatil)

An immediate and notable improvement over the original. The story was crisp and exciting and the entire first half with Daya sir getting framed was full of tingling excitement, loved it. The interactions between the team were faithfully and meticulously portrayed, and props to you for the forensic scenes which, despite retaining some of the annoyance that the team initially displays with Dr. Salunkhe, were true to their characters and sensibly portrayed with no OTT-ness. The investigation was great and the way you merged the two seemingly unrelated cases was seamless. The climax with the stakes rising to the CM's life was unexpected and wonderfully written. The motive for the culprit framing Daya could've been a bit stronger though, but I really liked the story nevertheless. Clap Big smile

 

Story 8 (Manav Bomb)

I liked how you turned this into a Dr. Salunkhe-centric story. The suspense revolving around him was built up well and the development of Dr. Chaturvedi's character in the story was good too, especially how he rallied and brainwashed the students around him. Investigation scenes were engaging, good interactions between the team and the writing style was clear and easy to understand as well. ACP sir's leadership was very well shown. The climax was really exciting as well and the trio's quick actions were really praise-worthy. The ending felt a little rushed and could've been a bit more elaborate, and I think the villains should have been given a stronger motive for what they did, but nevertheless I really think it was changed for the better, substituting questionable scenes with much more exciting and sensible ones. Great work, I really enjoyed it. Clap

 

Story 9 (CID Dhoom – Bus Hijack)

Long story short, I'll sum this up in one word – WOW! Your layout of story progression resembled Michael Crichton's – educating the reader while simultaneously entertaining him/her… here, a summary of serious problems in our society coupled with a dying vigilante fighting against them – and this, combined with the thrilling action sequences, sympathetic edge to the story and excellent planning + characterization, made this a total roller coaster ride. I don't know where to begin, but I'll first mention the technical details, which were simply superb – ACP sir using the helicopter to temporarily disable the radio signal, Sahil's speeches on the radio and the team figuring out further locations using his riddles were superbly shown and spot-on in their accuracy. Sahil Gupta is a truly sympathetic and unique antagonist; especially the part with his adopted children and the entire ending part were truly touching. Daya and Abhijeet's actions to chase and stop the bus were exciting and superbly written. I am literally shivering with excitement to think what a treat it'd have been if the original episode was even 2% as good as this. I humbly tip my hat to you – absolutely outstanding work!!! Clap Star Big smile

 

Story 10 (Ganesh Utsav Special)

The idea of drug smugglers using Lord Ganesha's murthis to do their dirty work was interesting, and you really succeeded in properly integrating this theme with the rest of the story, where the original episode totally fell apart. Technical details of the team tracking down the statues using the paint were well written and the team distribution was good. Nice investigative procedures as well, and very clear, crisp writing style. I'd have liked to see the villain (Gani bhai) involved more though, and the climax had potential to be more action-packed. But otherwise, a very good story and a notable improvement over the original. Very good! Big smile

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visrom

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visrom

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Posted: 02 October 2011 at 3:07am | IP Logged
Another review.
 

Story #1: A very clear & well-written story & a huge relief 4m d original irritating "hume pehle se pata tha" script. D characters luked real, 4m d terrorists to d commandos , even d 'Operation Ragnarok' everything was convincing. Of all, abhi sir's action scenes wer d best of course.

Story #2: felt lyk watching a 2005-06 era case whr epi names constituted only a part of d actual case & d entire story was not forcefully centered around d title. Sachin's scene was hilarious. Very clearly expressed, never felt confused at any point of tym while reading . dealt wid a really serious issue faced by d students .

Story #3: Mine.(along with some others)

Story #4: A bit dragged wid overdose of emotional drama. Although d lines –

" Saluke= ACP, daya sahi keh raha hai. Usne badi hoshiyari se abhijeet ko sone nahi diya. Waise ACP agar tumhare paas yeh dono na hote to ?

ACP(proud voice)= to shayad yeh ACP Pradyuman bhi nahi hota !! "

R outstanding & describes d bonding between our beloved trio & der chemistry over d 14 yrs of service.

Story #5 : 11 bombs..omg !! Story was really gud..gave a "kaante ki takkar" to d original epi. However, d codes were too easy to decode, & d culprit was too easily caught. D motive of crime was silly & FW type. But d disclaimer at d beginning of d story was too gud.

Story #6: I wished dey had shown dis story instead of d crap dat was originally aired..it's a damn lot better, aftr all, it's a lot more sensible plot along wid d investigations & also we wud hv been spared of dat ' hume sab pehle se pata tha so audience plz endure an emotional atyachar'.

Story #7: d story was confusing at several places…to go thru it several tyms to understand it properly. However, it's nice to c abhi-daya's beautiful chemistry & d motive was also a gud one

Story #8: a much logical process of creating human bombs instead of inserting dem in sum1's stomach. A nice change 4m d usual abhi-daya centric stories…it's nice to c d faith dat Dr.saluke showed in his team in dat hour of crisis. Although d motive of crime was really silly.

Story #9: undoubtedly d best story of d contest. Excellent ,outstanding etc etc r very small words to describe such a superb creation, although I wished d stunt scene had been done by abhijeet sir himself (I luved it in d original epi ). Motive of d crime was also worth noting. D story was lengthy no doubt, but d amount of in4mation dat it gv me compensated 4 everything.

Story #10: Another story was dealt wid a serious problem of d present era ie corruption amongst higher police authorities dat lead dem to support such criminals. Very clearly expressed, never felt confused at any point of tym while reading. Freddy always manages to amuse us wid his actions..luved his tug-of-war wid d idols. D concept of gving a brief summary at d end was a gud one.

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visrom

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visrom

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Posted: 02 October 2011 at 8:57pm | IP Logged
Another round of feedback. I don't know why...IF is inserting lots of junk characters into the text. Confused
 
 

CID Aur Nanhe detectives ' There was less investigation and more of action and shooting and firing. The descriptions were very good but a bit confusing in the last action scene. There was a bit of an overdose of some 'filmy' style threatening, placing people at gunpoint etc. The way the episode started off on the backdrop of AKA and Abhijeet being suspended, I expected some more time to be spent in clearing Abhijeet's name. But that part didn't have an connection to the main story. Never mind. You managed to weave your story around what FW showed ' people being taken hostage in a school and 3 kids contacting CID. That's really commendable.

 

Bhutiya Ladki : Big deal'..it's mine''does it matter now? ;-) You all comment on it.

 

Maut Ka Ashirwad: First of all, sorry to say, your SMS lingo is a bit annoying. 'cut d fon' etc. Please use full words. Many of us use mobiles but don't use short forms to this extent.  Moving on, it was good to see that the normal police had already had a look at the murder and they were 'handing over' the case to CID. The case was somewhat like the original, not much change. Why we dislike the original was because of some nonsensical scenes in the forensic lab by Salunkhe. You have deleted those, thanks for that. Otherwise the flow of the story, plot ' everything was like the original. Maybe this was an 'episode rectifier' rather than writing a new story. The story is good, but'.the rule said that you had to make it predominantly your own. Take the idea from a story and create a new story'you were welcome to use a few scenes or dialogues but not more than that. I should appreciate your efforts, because your story was much better than what they showed. Other than the sms lingo, it was easy to follow, maybe because we have already seen the episode and have an idea of what it is. But'..it doesn't fully satisfy all rules of the contest. Will not disqualify it, though.

  

Bhagdad mein maut: There was a bomb explosion but maybe you could have written this as part of the story rather than write it as a 'plot' at the start. I got a bit confused about the screen that was closed and the screen that was open. The laash was found in one place where a movie was on. Screen no 5 was not yet open. Then Daya asked for the ticket chart then why did the manager say that the screen is not open? From the ticket chart we can find the identities of those who have purchased tickets online and through credit card, but not people who buy tickets on the spot using cash. So the manager cannot really tell who had bought the ticket and who had actually come to see the movie. The ticket buyer may have bought it for someone else. So Daya shouldn't be asking the manager in such a menacing manner. Some words were mistyped ' like Fire 'Extinction' for Fire 'Extinguisher' or Fire 'Exit''I didn't get which one. The story idea was ok'.poisoning using paint which had high lead content.

 

Abhijeet finding T and punching hands with Daya in the lab'.hmmm'.I am really bored of this track, so personally I would have preferred if this scene were not included. I know there maybe others who like it, so I don't want to comment on it. Some of the conversations were a bit 'unnecessary', like ABhijeet asking Daya to slap him to help him remember where he had seen the guy. This scene could have been avoided.

 

Is there any need for CID team to make caps and show the STD booth guy? They could have just brought the booth guy to bureau and made him watch the footage'.;-)

 

The shaadi dialogue of Goa episode need not have been used in the lead-filled room. That entire scene was OTT . I actually scrolled down to the next scene'..please avoid OTT dialogues and scenes'.I feel uncomfortable reading some of these scenes.

 

 

Khatra Chemical Bomb ka: This writer had written the 7 laashes episode in the previous contest. And now 9 bombs!!! Do we have a 'problem of plenty' here?? J 

This was the real 'chemical bomb'. The original had one major flaw'.the bomb which CID team diffused in the end was not a 'chemical bomb'.. It was a normal timed bomb which might or might not have been made of chemicals. The 'chemical' part had no relevance there. You have made use of phosphorus in the bomb here, so this justifies the title.

Then I didn't understand why a criminal would send real clues to CID. He could have kept quiet about it'he would have been successful. Or if he wanted some thrill and fun he could have just called them and said that he was going to cause a blast. There was no need to give any clues. He could have enjoyed keeping the CID team in tension.

The motive for murder was just like the 'Case of 6:48', but a bit unrealistic that he would give CID team the exact clues which would lead them to him in Pune. Anyway the story had the thrill and excitement factor.

 

 

Daya ki dulhann: Well, you wanted to change something but this one is not very drastically different from what they showed. Again it is a shaadi as a naatak except that duo didn't fight with each other.  Also, the lady turned out to  be a criminal and not a cop in the end. It was entertaining, no doubt, but frankly I would have expected you to give a valid reason for the marriage. It's difficult for me to even think of this'J Maybe not the marriage ceremony, but Daya bringing a lady dressed as a dulhann in disguise or something. I don't know'.but again a nakli shaadi'hmmm'...but at least I was happy to see Abhijeet willingly participating in the celebration. If Daya were ever to really get married, I want to see a happy Abhijeet at the wedding, dancing and enjoying himself and not angry and sulking as they showed. So I liked this part.

 

Daya ek Qatil? ' Good one, but there is some confusion. When did Daya work in Chennai in the past 14 years? That too without Abhijeet's knowledge? This part is a bit hazyThe first scene which Abhijeet saw on TV is also not very clear. It was missing a few details. One thing about this writer is that s/he has many ideas in mind and does not write everything. There is a tendency to cut it short and assuming that the reader will get the picture. But most of the time it doesn't happen so. So the first scene should have been more elaborate. That was where the murder happened. It was important to let the other readers see what Abhijeet had seen on TV. You shouldn't have made this part so brief.

 

The bomb blast and the attempted assassination on CM was like a PK story, but linked to Daya phasaofying. . Would have loved to see the episode completely dedicated to clearing Daya's name without the extra confusion'you know ' the impossible murder type. Something like - Daya had arrested someone and he was trying to take revenge against Daya or maybe Daya knew that a murder was about to happen there and in the process landed  at the crime scene and got trapped by mistake. But anyway'.it was much, much better than the 'gun-in-cake' and the 'cooking contest' rubbish that we saw on TV. 

 

 

Manav Bomb: To be frank it looked a lot like what we saw on TV to start with. Later the twist of Salunkhe's kidnapping was introduced. This is a good idea but there is a bit of a question about how and when he was kidnapped. When Abhijeet, Daya, Tasha etc had seen Salunkhe in the college, why did they suddenly return to bureau without doing the investigation at the college or maybe confronting Salunkhe there. Why did they just leave him talking to Ramprakash? Then another twist of T and S being kidnapped'.this is another form of AC. So, you can say this story has flavours from many past episodes ' not just Manav Bomb. In the end, it was a bit confusing as to why Salunkhe couldn' speak to CID team. Why was he writing on the board? Also if the bomb was just attached to his shirt then is this really a Manav Bomb? Manav bomb means that the bomb has been placed inside the person's body surgically. This was the basic requirement of 'Manav Bomb'. But placing a bomb outside is just a 'suicide bomber'. But still, overall nice attempt and good to see that the horrible scene of Daya carrying a bomb soaking in blood removed from the Manav Bomb's stomach with his bare hands and throwing it into the sky has been done away with. This was a sickening scene in the original.

And hey, you have destroyed the bureau'.will we get a renovated, well-lit bureau? ;-)

 

 

 

Dhoom Bus Hijack:

There are a few typos'.can see that you have written in a hurry. Never mind.

 

It's very very thrilling. Maybe you should have used some unknown locations'.I cannot imagine a bus going on rampage in Ghatkopar. It's a very crowded area and traffic moves at snail's pace there. Even I can walk and enter a bus(not even run). But very well written'.I could imagine the scene where the guy was speaking on radio and Daya was trying to get into the bus and Freddie was driving the Qualis'.Wow. The entire action scene was well done. Everyone has loved your story, and the disadvantage of being the organizer is that I got  to see how the others have rated your story before I read it. So I decided to look at it with a really powerful microscope.

 

When I was half way through the story, I kind of thought that a guy who is so concerned about the environment and who wants to give a message to those who are causing harm has some love and concern in his heart. I felt that this guy wouldn't kill any kids even before I read the story till the end. If Sahil had really killed some of them, I would have rated the story very low. Such people may kill the people responsible for it ' like Naseeruddin Shah in A Wednesday or Daya's school principal in the Mamta Foundation episode, but they'll never harm any innocent person.

 People who hijack buses or planes and kill some of  the hostages are extremely ruthless people who don't care about anything or anyone.

 

As I expected he didn't kill any of the kids. But when this could occur to someone like me, why didn't this occur to ACP? ACP could have given this a thought. The real ACP of the golden era could read a criminal's mind well.  He could have thought with a cool head and realized that there was no real need to shoot the driver and do all those stunts, because the man is not really bad at heart. He could have just talked to Sahil on the radio and touched upon his softer side'..like he did in 'The case of 6:48' or even 'CID at Ransom'.

 

I don't mean to take away anything from this story'..just my thoughts'..it was very well written and we could see it happening before our eyes. Everyone has given great marks to this story, so I wanted to really evaluate it as a perfectionist. (as I told the writer, crr1 yun hi nahin milta hai kisi ko' a little secret) Comparision with original ' I don't want to do it. The original had good stunts'.I appreciate duo(Adi sir and Daya sir, not Abhijeet and Daya)  for it. But the original story, motive and how Abhijeet appeared out of nowhere into the Qualis just for the sake of the stunt was stupid, thanks for improving that part.

 

Ganesh Utsav: The start was interesting. I didn't understand as to why would someone steal a licence plate. It is absolutely easy to make a licence plate'anyone can get a rectangular metallic object and paint a number over it. There's no need to steal a number plate. Car ' I can understand. The story was probably better than the original but there were not enough twists and turns. This idea might have occurred to you just a couple of days before the deadline as the episode itself was aired just a week before the story deadline. ACP was missing'..never mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Edited by visrom - 03 October 2011 at 12:35am

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