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Elusive Lyrics - Part 5: Dwindling (Page 6)

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..kiran..

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..kiran..

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Posted: 04 September 2011 at 1:54am | IP Logged
Originally posted by spln

Your updates always leave me sort of giddy - between half minds, wanting to gush all at once with what I could connect, or just lapse back into taking time, sort of living the scenes during my gym hours or transit to and fro work - imagining to be the crazy crazy protagonist who seems scarily, supiciously, like some split personality version of me! 
 
Ermm Strangely enough, she feels a lot like me as well.. LOL I'm so glad that you are able to connect so intimately with the story that the fiction-reality line becomes giddyingly blurry! That must be every writer's dream Embarrassed

Sigh - do you know me more than I know?! *tries to raise the intimidating single brow to extract confidential information* *innocently shakes head, and tries to stop corners of mouth from twitching suspiciously* No really, reading your chapters is like that sometimes. This has to be a story in the longest time that I never really need to go back and read old chapters for - to recover the details. You know? The trivial nothing kind? Like rain puddles that 'mushroom' around, instead of dancing pitter patter...!
 
I really don't know what to say to that, except that I am extremely honoured that the story is able to stick in your head in that way Embarrassed 

If I said I love your sense of detailing - those icky luttle things like P-G biscuits that settle into gooey mess if dipped for more than 2 seconds - I would probably be saying what you already know. If I didn't say it - I'd not be saying something I think with literally every sentence of your updates!
 
You're very sweet.. Thank you so very much! Embarrassed (Yes, that is a very lame rendering of how appreciative I really am!)

So okay - I'll stay it in better style. I read somewhere once, how a piece that is 'effortless' to read (interpret: effortless to connect with, a paradoxial profound but simple something) has usually taken greatest effort to come to that form. Then I read genius words, by my long time favorite poet, Yeats. Quoting for you today - because you really live up to the ideal of it!

A line will take us hours maybe;
Yet if it does not seem a moment's thought,
Our stitching and unstitching has been naught


You have shared those lines previously, but I'm so glad you did so again. I loved them, the first time I read them, and it's great to be reminded of them Big smile Just love the imagery of stitching and unstitching. Writing, to me, feels a lot like that. I usually write this huge, and mostly repetitive chunk, with ridiculously long sentence.. and then end up having to cut down and 'unstitch' the unintelligibly complex bits that I wrote when my mind was racing too fast. 
 
And I'm happier still that you still think, very generously, that the stitching and unstitching has not been for naught Embarrassed Thank you!
 
Keep writing Kiran. You never know how many hearts you're connecting with!
 
I will Embarrassed And to be able to connect with hearts, that must be every person's dream. I am so humbled that you feel so.
 
cheers,
NJ

ps: School?! Class work?! Life?! - you know the drill by now! LOL
 
Same old, NJ, same old. Sigh LOL

 
 
NJ, thank you so, so, sooo much for commenting! I cannot express just how heart-touchingly happy your comments make me feel. I love that you connect with the story in a way that, I feel, is so close to how I do Big smile Gives me that warm, fuzzy, inexplicable yet completely understandably,  feeling that you get with that odd friend who always manages to complete your sentences and speak out your silences. I don't think I'm expressing myself too well - which just goes to show how 'good' I really am at this stuff - but you get my drift, hey? Tongue You reckon there's a raaz pichle janam ka behind all this? LOL
 
 
 

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..kiran..

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..kiran..

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Posted: 04 September 2011 at 1:57am | IP Logged
Originally posted by aish_punk

awesome part! :)

 
Yayy! Thank you! Embarrassed
 
so the hostel's terrace had a history? haha, how typical! but even i like such rumours :) they add interest to an otherwise ordinary place.
 
True, hey? That's why I just love old, old places. I keep imagining what would have transpired there. The little things, like, what would the king from long-long ago, have done to pacify his sulking queen. The little things that involve stuff that would not have changed over the centuries.. such as love. Old libraries, in fact, are my favourite. Every book seems to have a story beyond its pages - a story involving the people that have read it, connected to it..
 
Ok yes, that was long LOL
 
she knew that getting depressed over a guy was lame, and i totally respect her for that! after all,life is'nt about one person, you need to live for yourself. Big smile *high-five* the wayy she just let loose and danced in the rain was  great! wish i could do that.
 
You can. Well, as long as there's rain. And you can afford to fall sick LOL
 
and the thing you mentioned about facebook and partying? seriously, you read my mind there!
 
Really? I'm glad you think so too! Big smile I find it so annoying.
 
she met with irene later on, who wanted to know if she liked kabir. so irene and kabir were just playing around? uh, i guess thats fun for some, but you know you might be losing out on someone who really likes you just for that 'fun'. Very, very, true! Sadly so. But the good thing is most people grow out of that stage, well I think.
 
she wanted irene to dance with her in the rain, but she just was'nt the type. n haha, i loved the last line! basically, i love your style of writing. so simple yet so deep!
 
I'd take that as a huge compliment! Embarrassed Because I was really trying not to make it too preachy - you know, the in-your-face sermons type. So thank you very much for that! 
 
PS: i'm glad i'm reading this, i would've seriously missed out on something, if i had'nt! lol, gossiping? haha, i kinda love doing that ;)
 
Don't we all? Wink I am really, really happy you're here too!
 
thanks for the pm, its not a disturbance at all. but i maybe a little late in replying, so bear with that. :)
 
Oh, no problem at all! You can reply whenever you have time. Honestly. And I think there's a rule around here that you must never apologise for being late to comment, no matter how late it is Tongue 
Okay, so, I guess it's 'welcome to the family' then Hug YAYY-ness!
 
 
 
 
Thank you very much, Aish, for the comment! Big smile You engage with the story in a very different way from my other readers, and it really helps to have reviews from different people who are reading for different things. And I am super chuffed that my readers list is growing. It's very flattering as a writer Embarrassed
 
 
 


Edited by ..kiran.. - 04 September 2011 at 1:59am

spln

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spln

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Posts: 11036

Posted: 04 September 2011 at 6:08am | IP Logged
Oh I have?! See - that's how consistent you are... bring the lines back in consequent comments! LOL (No it's not about them being the rare few lines I know by heart, lol!)

On a serious note - I just knew there was some mystical raaz behind us from the time I read your entry on the contest. A) It was my favorite excerpt, not in 'word' but in the potential it held to be carried out B) I didn't think many would give it a shot, and yes, it was my personal fancy putting it there hence C) I did - in my high and lofty opinions - deem anyone trying that excerpt would be thinking outside the box in the literal sense. Not only were you the only one to give it a shot, your execution was stumping.

So the click goes some months back now - I safely rest =) Your protagonist keeps reminding me of every instance that I ask myself if I think too much, and why, and how not to! There is a paradox in her character that I positively relate to like a clone - of taking life in the moment, yet leafing through its every page like a thesis that needs to be dissected to the alphabet! Not to mention the beauty with which you bring out the layers to her person. She's grey in her own way - and mostly, all the grey in her white person has been her own conscious or unconscious doing... when you think of it, Kabir may have very little to do with her not being able to relate to the girl of her past. He's only a fateful instrument she holds responsible! She's just beginning to evolve into her true elements - and whatever she has been for what she thinks is all her life up to now - is some untapped portected version of her, like a photo film before it is exposed to the right combination and intensity of lights. Did that make sense?! Oh random me!

Aite - I just came back to get some edits cleared on BC, but the moment I saw this thread up on my posts again - I had to open it. BTW, I wanted to let you know you could pass sending me PMs, cause my box is unbearably brimming, and I'm going to keep a tab through watch list and my posts anyway. So yeh - not to suggest I don't love being on the exclusive list =)

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..kiran..a little faith

a little faith

Goldie

a little faith

Joined: 09 January 2009

Posts: 2039

Posted: 04 September 2011 at 12:00pm | IP Logged
Rain scene and all

I liked the title, a hark back to the previous chapter.  It isn't easy to incite the reader to recollect the past before they begin anew the story without it seeming obvious, for instance how many times I have seen it done by use of an unnecessary phone conversation at the beginning of many a tv show, why don't they just use a recap instead?  However you have managed it so eloquently in its subtlety that I am mighty impressed.  Furthermore I love this now running theme of spoofing those cliche iconic moments in movies, tongue in cheek and yet with an honest edge, DCH style and once again you do it very well. We can also mention that you have chosen a very alluring iconic moment, that rain scene which conjures much in the reader's mind, in that it could spell that moment when two lovers meet OR when sadness suffuses through the soul of a lonely heart broken.  Finely done.  Then you layer it further with suspense within your first line, was forbidden territory.  The physical encapsulating the spiritual aspect too, excellently done.

I loved the composition of the second paragraph, very beautiful. the fact that the exact degree of their truth was ambiguous... just as much truth amidst the lies...be anywhere between all and none.

Fourteen storeys, just as many stories, if not more. Wonderful, did I ever mention that I love puns?  Excellent!   right on cue, Ah, it is the sad rain.  I loved that nod again to cliche that of course it only too natural part of our lives, hacknayed maybe but still all the same, personal. I love your style of writing, you mesh insight, narrative, plot and humour so meticulously yet it seems so effortless, just very skillful. I should be pinned down by a heroic sub-warden myself to become part of the story I had been a curious onlooker to.  & by her ridiculously amnesiac (boy?)friend

Excellent segue from the rain to her past and thereby elucidation of the present her, combining that theme of movies, Me, as a child, spending hours in front of the mirror, practising, perfecting faces, posesUtterly bored with all the moping wondrous detailing, adding to the style of the narrative, that self mocking wit as well as saving the protagonist from over indulgence of grief. It gives both your story and her perspective. Nicely done.

I liked the pheonix rising from the sweetness of rain rather than sweat of scorching fire.  That bollywood theme nicely tweaked so that it never seems overly dramatic but subtly sublime. I really loved the conversation you worded between her and Irene. Very breezy, non confrontational almost manipulative, to have it out with a competitor, opponent, but not giving them an arena to also fight back.  However she takes the hit gracefully, though slowly the bruising begins to surface in the aftermath so we begin to understand, appreciate the extent of the damage done, though she would try in earnest to hide it. Yes, Irene was concerned but only to a level, for another level of concern would be never mentioning it in the first place, parading themselves in front of her so that any misunderstandings could be given rope to hang themselves.  Back to the bruising, Where love could be just a word, a joke almost That rosy red of love turning an off-purple with inflections of stale yellow and vomit green. Finally that inevitable end that all parents pray for protection for their child, alienation, I didn't quite fit in.  It isn't about fitting in but finding someplace in this world to be in, some heart to belong to. 

However she is indeed a fighter, maybe because her life hasn't been without love or security, her parents in her formative years giving her a solid foundation so that no matter how many times her ideals are bulldozed, she is able to build again.  I really loved the manner you composed those closing lines, you never just say or state facts but give them stories all of their own, here an innocent sneeze becoming her adversary, but also that point that Irene missed.  Sure a sneeze could be a fore warner to that cold about to unfurl its wrath BUT it is also a clue, a sign to past filled with pleasantness and care free fun.  As the protagonist elucidates, nothing is impossible except living in the past, so we must learn to enjoy it as best we can as it breezes by into our history.

Kiran, an outstanding chapter, eloquent and funny, full of insight. You should be very happy. With much love, Sabah


Edited by a little faith - 04 September 2011 at 12:03pm

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..kiran..

Ameres

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Ameres

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Posts: 21627

Posted: 04 September 2011 at 12:46pm | IP Logged
Hi Kiran! 
So I am not a regular reader of your story but the title caught my eye and i couldn't stop myself from reading on. But i only read this part and the previous one. 
And I must say that you write amazingly and connect with the reader. Beautiful! 

But truth was, I could never understand them, the games that people felt they had to play, the masks that had almost become what people were, ghostly semblances of a pseudo-reality. I could never understand the plastic world where having a life meant, primarily, having something to do on Friday nights and being tagged in photos and statuses on facebook to be able to prove it to other facebook friends, who were not, like, 'friends' really. Where love could be just a word, a joke almost. What was the point? Where was the meaning? There seemed no connection between people, let alone between them and what might have probably been a more accurate interpretation of life. There was only a frantic desire to keep up appearances. Weary, hollow platitudes. OMG, Mwah, boyfriend, girlfriend.

Especially the above part got me. I could relate to it so much. Its like you read my mind. Lol. I don't what made you write this but...this i feel is so true that it almost pinched me. And i felt that i had to comment. 
Ok enough blabbering. I shall take my leave. 
Keep writing! :)

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..kiran..

..kiran..

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..kiran..

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Posts: 157

Posted: 05 September 2011 at 3:16am | IP Logged
Originally posted by spln

She's grey in her own way - and mostly, all the grey in her white person has been her own conscious or unconscious doing... when you think of it, Kabir may have very little to do with her not being able to relate to the girl of her past. He's only a fateful instrument she holds responsible! She's just beginning to evolve into her true elements - and whatever she has been for what she thinks is all her life up to now - is some untapped portected version of her, like a photo film before it is exposed to the right combination and intensity of lights. Did that make sense?! Oh random me!
 
No, that makes perfect sense! Big smile Her life upto that point has been very protected and idealistic, and also (here, giving away a part of the story that may only come to the fore in the future) mostly revolving around pleasing others in order to avoid confrontations. She hasn't really stepped into the 'real' world (and I use the term very loosely) or figured out who she really is. You're right, Kabir is a catalyst to the change, but not the root cause per se.

Aite - I just came back to get some edits cleared on BC, but the moment I saw this thread up on my posts again - I had to open it. BTW, I wanted to let you know you could pass sending me PMs, cause my box is unbearably brimming, and I'm going to keep a tab through watch list and my posts anyway. So yeh - not to suggest I don't love being on the exclusive list =)
 
Cool, no problem Smile
 

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a little faith

..kiran..

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..kiran..

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Posts: 157

Posted: 05 September 2011 at 3:21am | IP Logged
Originally posted by a little faith

Rain scene and all

I liked the title, a hark back to the previous chapter.  It isn't easy to incite the reader to recollect the past before they begin anew the story without it seeming obvious, for instance how many times I have seen it done by use of an unnecessary phone conversation at the beginning of many a tv show, why don't they just use a recap instead?  However you have managed it so eloquently in its subtlety that I am mighty impressed. 
 
Thanks! Big smile You know, I might have used the random title that first came into my mind, but then I remembered how you usually try to link the titles to previous parts/themes, and decided on this one. Which just goes to show how encouraging your comments are! They really spur me on to put in more effort in my writing Embarrassed 
 
Furthermore I love this now running theme of spoofing those cliche iconic moments in movies, tongue in cheek and yet with an honest edge, DCH style and once again you do it very well.
 
I guess, like the protagonist, I am an extremely filmi person Tongue so it kind of comes naturally LOL Glad you like it!
 
We can also mention that you have chosen a very alluring iconic moment, that rain scene which conjures much in the reader's mind, in that it could spell that moment when two lovers meet OR when sadness suffuses through the soul of a lonely heart broken.  Finely done.  Then you layer it further with suspense within your first line, was forbidden territory.  The physical encapsulating the spiritual aspect too, excellently done.

I loved the composition of the second paragraph, very beautiful. the fact that the exact degree of their truth was ambiguous... just as much truth amidst the lies...be anywhere between all and none.
Thanks so much! Embarrassed I'm very flattered!

Fourteen storeys, just as many stories, if not more. Wonderful, did I ever mention that I love puns?  Excellent!   right on cue, Ah, it is the sad rain.  I loved that nod again to cliche that of course it only too natural part of our lives, hacknayed maybe but still all the same, personal. I love your style of writing, you mesh insight, narrative, plot and humour so meticulously yet it seems so effortless, just very skillful. I should be pinned down by a heroic sub-warden myself to become part of the story I had been a curious onlooker to.  & by her ridiculously amnesiac (boy?)friend

 

So relieved that you think so! I sometimes find my writing way too erratic. So yayy at you finding that it all fits in! Big smile (Even though I know you are being slightly overly generous as always) Embarrassed

Excellent segue from the rain to her past and thereby elucidation of the present her, combining that theme of movies, Me, as a child, spending hours in front of the mirror, practising, perfecting faces, posesUtterly bored with all the moping wondrous detailing, adding to the style of the narrative, that self mocking wit as well as saving the protagonist from over indulgence of grief. It gives both your story and her perspective. Nicely done.
Embarrassed Thanks!

I liked the pheonix rising from the sweetness of rain rather than sweat of scorching fire.  That bollywood theme nicely tweaked so that it never seems overly dramatic but subtly sublime.
 
Really needed you to say that! I tend to be such a drama queen at times, that my notion of subtlety itself is kind of skewed LOL
 
I really loved the conversation you worded between her and Irene. Very breezy, non confrontational almost manipulative, to have it out with a competitor, opponent, but not giving them an arena to also fight back.  However she takes the hit gracefully, though slowly the bruising begins to surface in the aftermath so we begin to understand, appreciate the extent of the damage done, though she would try in earnest to hide it.
 
As usual, your analysis is spot on! This time, so much so, that it actually elicited a sad smile from me. I love how you understand things that I did not really intend to convey so explicitly.. It's surprising and also comforting.
 
It's a strange relationship that the two girls share. There is definitely something like genuine friendship somewhere. Irene is aware that she has hurt the protagonist, and is sorry for that, but she does not really understand how, so her apology cannot be complete. And the protagonist understands how Irene is feeling, but cannot convey her hurt to her, because she knows Irene might not really understand. And so, she forgives the wrong that was somewhat unintentionally perpetrated. But the hurt is still there, so her forgiveness cannot be complete.
 
Yet, the friendship is still there. The protagonist has decided to properly 'move on' so there really is no reason to hold any grudges. Some things still sting, but she will, as you said, "try in earnest to hide it." 
 
Yes, Irene was concerned but only to a level, for another level of concern would be never mentioning it in the first place, parading themselves in front of her so that any misunderstandings could be given rope to hang themselves.  Back to the bruising, Where love could be just a word, a joke almost That rosy red of love turning an off-purple with inflections of stale yellow and vomit green. Finally that inevitable end that all parents pray for protection for their child, alienation, I didn't quite fit in.  It isn't about fitting in but finding someplace in this world to be in, some heart to belong to. 
 
Very, very, very true Embarrassed 

However she is indeed a fighter, maybe because her life hasn't been without love or security, her parents in her formative years giving her a solid foundation so that no matter how many times her ideals are bulldozed, she is able to build again. 
 
Precisely! I am so glad you were able to tie in facts and clues from previous parts to come up with this analysis Big smile And I loved the building imagery you used Embarrassed 
 
I really loved the manner you composed those closing lines, you never just say or state facts but give them stories all of their own, here an innocent sneeze becoming her adversary, but also that point that Irene missed. 
 
Sadly, yes.
 
Sure a sneeze could be a fore warner to that cold about to unfurl its wrath BUT it is also a clue, a sign to past filled with pleasantness and care free fun.  As the protagonist elucidates, nothing is impossible except living in the past, so we must learn to enjoy it as best we can as it breezes by into our history.

Kiran, an outstanding chapter, eloquent and funny, full of insight. You should be very happy.
 
I am indeed very happy. I tend to be very, very critical of my writing. Which is why your reviews are usually very pleasantly surprising. But after I'd posted this part, I was just slightly less self-critical than usual. I think, so far, it's the only part that I've truly liked. Although, of course, I still have numerous faults to pick Tongue 
 
With much love, Sabah
 
 
 
A million thanks, Sabah! Big smile You truly inspire me to improve on my writing, just so that one day, I can feel that I have lived up to your very generous words of praise Embarrassed 
 
 

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a little faith

..kiran..

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..kiran..

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Posted: 05 September 2011 at 3:43am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Ameres

Hi Kiran! 
So I am not a regular reader of your story but the title caught my eye and i couldn't stop myself from reading on. But i only read this part and the previous one. 
And I must say that you write amazingly and connect with the reader. Beautiful! 

But truth was, I could never understand them, the games that people felt they had to play, the masks that had almost become what people were, ghostly semblances of a pseudo-reality. I could never understand the plastic world where having a life meant, primarily, having something to do on Friday nights and being tagged in photos and statuses on facebook to be able to prove it to other facebook friends, who were not, like, 'friends' really. Where love could be just a word, a joke almost. What was the point? Where was the meaning? There seemed no connection between people, let alone between them and what might have probably been a more accurate interpretation of life. There was only a frantic desire to keep up appearances. Weary, hollow platitudes. OMG, Mwah, boyfriend, girlfriend.

Especially the above part got me. I could relate to it so much. Its like you read my mind. Lol. I don't what made you write this but...this i feel is so true that it almost pinched me. And i felt that i had to comment. 
Ok enough blabbering. I shall take my leave. 
Keep writing! :)
 
 
 
 
Hello hello Big smile
 
Thanks for dropping in to comment! I'm really glad you liked what you read, and could connect to it Embarrassed
 
The bit you quoted, is actually my favourite paragraph in this part!
 
What prompted it was this dinner at my friend's place that I went for last Friday, by force. Nobody was truly enjoying themself because they were so busy pretending they were. But sure enough, minutes after I'd gotten home, thoroughly bored, I'd been tagged, along with the dozen other people, in a status about some "epic" evening we'd just had. The status-er, I know, deeply dislikes the people who were there (the feeling is most probably mutual) but hangs about with them anyway because it makes her cool or something.
 
Sigh. 
 
Anyway, it's great that it "pinched" you! LOL *high-five* Great minds, I'd say Tongue
 
Thanks again for commenting! Big smile
 
 
 
 
  

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