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Elusive Lyrics - Part 5: Dwindling (Page 2)

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*Nishi*

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*Nishi*

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Posted: 10 August 2011 at 9:14pm | IP Logged
what a sweet story!! very, very nicely written Clap i have to admit the same thing is happening to me in real life LOL as far as her little crush thingy on this guy i mean Wink

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..kiran..

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Posted: 11 August 2011 at 2:48am | IP Logged
Originally posted by --jiya--

res... 
will edit after monday (after my exam ends) :)

happy friendship day to youHug

edited.. sorry, i am horribly lateOuch

well, a beautifully crafted first chapter u have there kiru.. standing ovation on that.. the way you started from the present, took it back to the past and again ended it on the present, the flow, was extremely calm and smooth.. and this is what i like it best in your writing style.. whatever you write, you just make the reader flow with the.. "lyrics" - should i say? keep writing kiru.. and please do complete this one..

and again really very sorry for being late.. regarding the breather, i have deliberately landed an axe on my leg by joining MBAGeekWacko, i hardly get time to breatheOuch

thnks for the pm.. and yes, i agree with NJ.. it is an honour to be on a pm list that bears only 4 namesApprove

Heart...
~jiya~
 
 
Jiyaaa!! Big smile 
You really don't have to ever apologise for being late!! Like, ever.  I completely understand!
Thanks for commenting! Really appreciate it! I am glad you commented on the flow, because I was worried I was rushing through things a bit, because there are some bits I want to get over fast.
Dude, I am honoured that the people that I do have on my PM list are so wonderfully encouraging, that reading your comments makes me feel that I have way, way more than "only 4 names" Embarrassed I know, it sounds super cheesy. But I do mean it!
All the best with the axe on the leg LOL No, I'm not laughing at your predicament.. I just liked your choice of words. But hope things get better with timeHug Big smile Don't let the axe get the better of you. Show 'em who's the boss! Approve
 

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Posted: 11 August 2011 at 3:26am | IP Logged
Originally posted by a little faith

Kiran, I am truly sorry for this delay in reading and replying.
 
Oh don't apologise, Sabah! It's really, really not needed. I understand you must have been busy with life and life (sigh). Plus, you're not even that late. In future too, you may comment whenever it's most convenient to you. Honestly Smile 

Although I have only read one piece of yours I would humbly consider myself your fan, for your writing was filled with details that I loved losing myself and finding myself therein too.
You're very generous with your comments. And if I may repeat myself LOL I am your fan too, and that's without having read your work Embarrassed I am very flattered that my writings make you feel that way. I mostly find it lame, but I'll take the compliment Wink Thank you so much!

The title to this piece is wondrous. I took a moment to fully appreciate it.  I loved the notion from the film music and lyrics about how the melody is like the charms of a person what attracts us but the lyrics are the substance, that which keeps us forever close.  Here the use of elusive lyrics indicates that the person is indeed seeking something which your wonderfully piece of poetry elucidates as something of substance within themselves.  That search for kindred.
 
I knew I knew that song,

Couldn't help but hum along,

I loved the repeat at the beginning for it adds a layer of doubt rather than solid statement a simple 'i knew that song' would have brought.  Finely done, using two positives to make a negative.  Excellent! So then almost to negate that negative nuance they hum along despite themselves, almost a pretense to fool themselves into that belief.  I loved how you use a negative again could NOT help, to add to their precarious conviction.  Cleverly done. 

To find in that melody,

Lyrics that eluded me

I loved the flow of these lines, just the perfect words in the perfect order.  I loved how it incorporates both the physical aspects of the actual search of lyrics that fit to that piece as well as the more spiritual issue of lyrics, of substance to a mystery they still could not solve.  Wonderfullydone. 

Embarrassed So flattered that you think so!
 
The title Ashore, sets a ambiance of safety, of security as opposed to being upon uncertain waters, which you reinforce with your use of our story, for the protagonist isn't alone, that in the end, for better or worse, their life connected with another life, which really is an important function of our lives.
 
OMG, you saw that! I took a while to decide on the title, and I'm so glad you 'got' what I was trying to convey.
 
amidst irritable nerds...my eyes filled with tears This image though wondrously inspired is penned endearingly.  Just as soon as our laugh erupts you curb it with sweetness.

Perhaps it all started when my steps led me to the land where we were destined to meet. True we can never say which exact step we took in life was the first towards our beloved. Maybe its footprint lies somewhere on that day we first dreamed of him. 

 
True that! All the different things kind of fit in, in the end. Not just when it's related to lowwe Embarrassed but like for every other important event, it feels like everything else upto that point was only a preparation. It's one of the thoughts that I find most comforting in moments of hardship. That everything's leading to something bigger, more important and valuable.

 

a remotely related aunty, and a not at all related auntie LOL Wonderful. I remember confusing my English friends with tales of my aunties which reached triple figures only to elucidate that aunty really is any lady over a certain age that knows your mum. LOL Wonderfully penned.

 
what in the world would I eat I love your detailing of characterizations with short and sweet and very insightful quips.  True, our mother's first concern at our birth remains with them throughout our lives.  You so subtly but significantly expound their loving bond, that care she must have had growing up, so wittily written.  Excellent.
 
I need to credit my mum for furnishing the required inspiration for that piece Embarrassed
 
Then that layering of history in your wondrous style, since I was a staunch western fast food junkie anyway We understand her background so well, and within just two lines. Truly a very gifted writer.  I loved how you also bring in, slowly but surely tension of this change, her parents and her own. However ours too, for she coming from such sweetness to strangeness of that which is foreign. 
 

blue and red ribbons to the handles...awkward pat I loved how you note the unfairness of society that father's must seek surreptitious ways to say things.  I loved how the image of tying blue and red ribbons, is akin to her mother's tying of such ribbons on her pigtails when she must have been a little girl. I didn't think of that, but it's so true! In this way the love they gave is one and the same, it isn't a dissection of actions so that we may see who loved her more, but that they both loved her, as parents, a unit, the same. Wonderful.

I loved how you create this really romantic scene and then "Huh?"LOL Lovely!

 
Haha.. things are always often romantic in our heads, esp with this protagonist (still searching for a name LOL
 
My best friend. Dosti bole toh...pyar, sacha pyar.  Like the one that is given to us by our parents, for by this love we gain the strength to stand alone.  Just as her parents support reaches over mountains, past oceans to new lands, so here this friendship grants her courage to dream out aloud, past all rationales and common sense.  I love how you give her both the mind for ambition but the heart for love, the fairytale kind.  Finely done.
 
Gosh, she's a bundle of contradictions, isn't she? LOL I didn't think it made much sense when I read it the first few times, but then, I figured not everything needs to make sense. And the story is partly autobiographical, so that convinces me at least, that her character's not entirely unrealistic. Or 'she' could just be weird! Tongue
 
Anyway, I'm glad you didn't feel that it was so odd of her to harbour such different extremes within herself, and that the mind-heart shifts weren't too abrupt. Was kinda worried about that.
 
Family; the ties that bind and yet free us from the chains of the world,
Friendship; the earthly anchors that ground us whilst we set sail for those horizons set in the sky.
 
Beautifully expressed!! Embarrassed Your comments are a piece of art in themselves.
 
And may I add, you always make my work seem so much better than it is! LOL But I absolutely love the way you take the time to read through my writings so closely and commenting in such a detailed fashion Big smile It is so very encouraging, and humbling! It makes me want to put in even more care into every single word of my future writings.
 
Many, many thanks.
 
Excellent and entertaining first chapter. I am looking forward to the development of plot and characters written with your infectious charm dimpled with hearty insights! With much love, Sabah
 
 
Once again, I am very thankful for your comments. Much more than I am able to show Embarrassed My response is only a very poor reflection of how much I appreciate your feedback.
 
 

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a little faith

..kiran..

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Posted: 11 August 2011 at 3:28am | IP Logged
Originally posted by *Nishi*

what a sweet story!! very, very nicely written Clap i have to admit the same thing is happening to me in real life LOL as far as her little crush thingy on this guy i mean Wink
 
 
 
Yayyy! New reader on board! Party
Thanks for commenting, glad you liked it Big smile Should I spam you in future, when I post the next parts?
And, and, and oooh @ the last part of the comment! Hope your little crush thingy goes well Embarrassed As in, you somehow trip into his arms, and he looks at you, and you look at him, and he looks at you... the rest being self-explanatory history Wink
Glad you could identify with the story!
 
 
 

*Nishi*

IF-Sizzlerz

*Nishi*

Joined: 26 January 2008

Posts: 14066

Posted: 12 August 2011 at 9:51pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by ..kiran..

Originally posted by *Nishi*

what a sweet story!! very, very nicely written Clap i have to admit the same thing is happening to me in real life LOL as far as her little crush thingy on this guy i mean Wink
 
 
 
Yayyy! New reader on board! Party
Thanks for commenting, glad you liked it Big smile Should I spam you in future, when I post the next parts?
And, and, and oooh @ the last part of the comment! Hope your little crush thingy goes well Embarrassed As in, you somehow trip into his arms, and he looks at you, and you look at him, and he looks at you... the rest being self-explanatory history Wink
Glad you could identify with the story!
 
 
 

 actually no thanks. i plan on reading regularly anyway =) hahaha thanks LOL maybe something like that will happen Wink

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..kiran..

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Posted: 14 August 2011 at 1:20am | IP Logged
 
2. Strong Winds (the kind that makes your eyes teary)

 

 
One day, during our one-week-short, mid-term vacation - which was really only a collective ploy by all the lecturers to allow them to set us a cluster of unrealistic deadlines - Kabir and I (and the gang) went to watch a movie. Now the guys insisted that we watch a thriller and the girls were adamant on a cheesy chick flick. As soon as it was conceded that no consensus could be reached and that we would need to split up and opt for one of the two cinema halls, I entered the fray I had amusedly been observing, and said that I would opt for the thriller.

 

Only Kabir who was hovering nearby heard me, and immediately construed it as an excuse I was making to be able to hang out with him. I vehemently opposed this interpretation, my real reason being in fact the sheer predictability and plastic shallowness of the said chick flick as was clearly evidenced in its trailer. But he had only thrown me his characteristic impish smile (yes, dimples and all).   

I should have probably realised then that he did not know me, as I thought he did. I was definitely not one to lie and hide behind excuses. But when he announced that he would watch the chick flick with the girls - earning him, unsurprisingly, an array of playful jeers from the other guys that would endure in the days to come - I could not help but forget my initial annoyance. He was so unbelievably cute! I stopped insisting that I really had wanted to watch the thriller because that would have made his undoubtedly very, very noble sacrifice most heartbreakingly redundant.  

 

Of course that meant that we were both stuck watching a stupid movie neither of us actually wanted to watch. But I did not mind in the least. We sat next to each and when the stupid guy in the movie finally realised that he loved the even stupider cheerleader, and knelt to the ground with his hand on his heart, Kabir's hand found mine. I looked at him quizzically, and he whispered, his hand still clasped onto mine, warmly, "Do you want some popcorn?"

 

There must have been more than popcorn at hand. I thought his eyes said so. But I, for one, liked that whatever it was, had not been spelt out explicitly. It would have been too soon and I would not have known how to react. And then, wasn't there a depth, a charm to unspoken emotions? Wouldn't translating them into the mundane words of our humdrum world, render them somewhat banal, like the story of the stupid guy and the even stupider cheerleader?

 

I smiled to myself, with the air of a conspirator, and happily recorded the moment into the Kabir compartment of my brain, along with the other sweet gestures of his and the tell-tale signs that he dropped from time to time, for instance, the way he would get ever so slightly jealous when I mentioned other boys and try to mask his feelings by making the forced attempt at an odd joke.

 

It had perhaps not been the wisest thing to do though, to so meticulously store away the littlest of incidents for subsequent reminiscing. It made forgetting impossibly difficult. The most meaningless of objects, the most commonplace of places, even words, had now been infused with myriad memories. How could they ever be made neutral again? And, how could I move on, when I was compelled by my recollections into trying to reconcile present and past and wondering if those memories had been real after all?

 

But I had not seen it coming: the change. Perhaps my naive expectations of consistency and stability had to do with the fact that my life up until the point when I had left for university had been very sheltered. Although we did move from one army cantonment to the next, as Daddy was posted in different parts of the country, truth was, I was quite like a ship that had never really ventured beyond its harbour.

 

I had never resented this, and although it did get somewhat lonely at times, particularly during the period when I was home-schooled, I had those silly flights of fancy that I could always weave myself into. I would be the princess, albeit a somewhat skinny, gawky, pimply, and obstinately nerdy one; and my utterly devoted prince, a golden-hearted fellow who understood me to perfection and cherished every idiosyncrasy of mine. I had never actually expected those lazy whimsies to transcend into reality. They were just juvenile indulgences of mine, for which I blamed Jane Austen, Raj Kapoor and a host of Urdu poets.

 

And maybe, without realising it, I had been trying to place Kabir into my mould of perfection, making excuses on his behalf when he did not quite fit in. So, I had never really known him at all. Or maybe, he had changed and managed to change so much that I had to doubt the sincerity of his former self.

 

It was hard to decipher what had really happened, but if change it really was, then not only had the change been gradual, but also, there were brief periods of relapse when things would almost go back to the way they once were, making me doubt my own doubts. That is perhaps why I did not see it at first, which is what crushed me the most when I finally zeroed in on the most plausible truth. The fact that I had been, not fooled, but a fool, in the end.

 

There were a number of ways I could have reacted to my eventual acceptance of the truth. I chose to sweep my hurt under the proverbial rug and bury myself in my studies with a furious passion. I chose to convince myself that I had forgotten everything, that I had forgotten how he had begun to drift away, positively avoid me, and set his sights... elsewhere. I had also forgotten all the other memories prior to that most confusing time. After all, those memories were not solely my own anymore - they were experiences that I shared with other girls. What I had thought to be special gestures designated for me, were only generic ways in which he behaved with everybody else - one at a time.

 

I politely blocked everybody else out of my innermost emotions, and they all assumed I was only taken up with work. When I went back to India at the end of the first semester exams, to gorge on that heavenly home-cooked food I had once most inexplicably disliked, I found that there were some other bits of me that had been immortalised in my diary and my parents' stories of me that I felt I would never be able to identify with again. Maybe it was all part of growing up. Or maybe my ego was more bruised than I could dare to admit to myself.

 

 



Edited by ..kiran.. - 14 August 2011 at 1:32am

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--jiya--

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Posted: 14 August 2011 at 1:58am | IP Logged
reserved!!Embarrassed

edited!!

okay.. so the wind blew and the fairy tale had its hitch... should i say i hate men? naah.. coz if it weren't for him, she might just have never realized that the little crush and the heartbreak are just mere parts of life, and very essential parts too..

nice portrayal kiru!!

thanks for the pm..

~jiya~


Edited by --jiya-- - 14 August 2011 at 2:37am

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Posted: 16 August 2011 at 2:58pm | IP Logged
Strong Winds (the kind that makes your eyes teary) I love the clarification that still needs elucidation. I mean teary for what reason, because the manner the winds breeze over the surface of your eyes, causing waves that overflow OR because the very sight of them incites a fear that your heart can not help but weep along in trepidation of anticipation?   Either way, strong winds and tears are very foreboding. Something is about to stir our protagonist both inwardly and quite actually too.

Only Kabir who was hovering nearby heard me, and immediately construed it as an excuse I was making to be able to hang out with him. Ah, inferred subtext which is actually just an excuse to imply a pretext. Very cleverly written and finely done.

But when he announced that he would watch the chick flick with the girls ...I could not help but forget my initial annoyance...very noble sacrifice most heartbreakingly redundant.  I loved how in one paragraph you turn the tables over at least thrice, though I am sure I missed some spins.  Very skillfully written. 

And then, wasn't there a depth, Ah! That missing chapter between this and that end so that when this stupid guy kneels to the ground to profess to that even stupider companion it wouldn't seem so silly even though very surreal.  Think DCH style.   I loved that use of the film as a contrast to the actual scene, finely done.

How could they ever be made neutral again? Excellently penned and noted.  You can not whitewash without some hue bleeding through.  Nothing will make it as bright again.  It will forever remain tainted. I was quite like a ship that had never really ventured beyond its harbour. Beautiful simile, flowing from the theme of chapter one where she was about to set off to foreign lands from being one who never ventured beyond her own realm, here the emotional aspect too, she really hadn't seem much of people, so really hadn't had an opportunity to understand them either.

making excuses on his behalf when he did not quite fit in. I like this. True we try to make the pieces fit their pieces into our jigsaw puzzle.  We console that niggling doubt by saying that no one would ever fit just right, but the truth is we just don't want to consider any other person, for our hearts have chosen him, no matter how jagged and crooked the final puzzle appears.  It is the difference between an idea of something and its reality. If I may quote one of my favourite modern day poets, Cope.

Two cures for love, 1. don't see him, don't phone or write him a letter.
2.  The easy way, get to know him better.

making me doubt my own doubts. Ah, that precipice between is it over? and it is over! The fact that I had been, not fooled, but a fool, in the end.  Beautifully penned.

What I had thought to be special gestures designated for me, were only generic ways in which he behaved with everybody else - one at a time.  Beautifully penned and noted subtle sentiment that most girls suffer through.  I really did love your expounding of it, I have only really liked one other, feel free to ignore, but here at 1:22 to 2:52



I found that there were some other bits of me that had been immortalised in my diary and my parents' stories of me that I felt I would never be able to identify with again. Again, wonderfully penned sentiment.  Is change inevitable or environmental? 

Kiran, an outstanding chapter to a wonderful story.   Very much looking forward to the next, and I can not even begin to guess where she may be swept off to next, all credit to your inspired and imaginative writing.  With much love, Sabah


Edited by a little faith - 16 August 2011 at 3:02pm

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