Writers Corner

   

Elusive Lyrics - Part 5: Dwindling

Post Reply New Post

Page 1 of 9

Page 1
Page   of 9
Page 2 Page 9

..kiran..

Groupbie

..kiran..

Joined: 28 October 2010

Posts: 157

Posted: 07 August 2011 at 12:21am | IP Logged
 
 
Author's note/ Marketing gimmick
 
About this story: (Kind of) true. All resemblance to reality obviously intentional :)
 
 
 
 
Index.
(direct links) 
 
1. Ashore
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Edited by ..kiran.. - 10 October 2011 at 4:06am

The following 7 member(s) liked the above post:

a little faithEscapistNewdime--jiya--epiphany.Tyrospln

Dear Guest, Being an unregistered member you are missing out on participating in the lively discussions happening on the topic "Elusive Lyrics - Part 5: Dwindling" in Writers Corner forum. In addition you lose out on the fun interactions with fellow members and other member exclusive features that India-Forums has to offer. Join India's most popular discussion portal on Indian Entertainment. It's FREE and registration is effortless so JOIN NOW!

..kiran..

Groupbie

..kiran..

Joined: 28 October 2010

Posts: 157

Posted: 07 August 2011 at 12:27am | IP Logged
 

 

Elusive Lyrics

 

I knew I knew that song,

Couldn't help but hum along,

To find in that melody,

Lyrics that eluded me

 

 

1. Ashore

 

If all stories need to start somewhere, where would the beginning of ours lie? Would it be on that day in the library when amidst irritable nerds, he whispered with such sincerity that he loved me, that my eyes filled with tears? Or was it before that, when we became friends, that random moment designated by fate? Our first meeting, maybe? But then, he had seen me, liked me, before I even knew of his existence... Perhaps it all started when my steps led me to the land where we were destined to meet.

 

Through my rose-tinted lenses, an adventure is what I saw - you know, the fairytale types? What else could it have been? Being in a foreign faraway land that I had only ever seen in photographs and those NRI-centred Bollywood movies. Knowing no-one but a remotely related aunty, and a not at all related auntie. Bearing in my hand the university prospectus, and a handbag that mummy had meticulously stuffed with food from back home, in a desperate attempt to quell what seemed to have been the only worry on her mind: alone in a foreign faraway land, what in the world would I eat?

 

Daddy had found it amusing, since I was a staunch western fast food junkie anyway, but for once had chosen to confine his customary sarcasm to hushed tones only I could hear. After all, in such times of overflowing motherly love, mummy was already on the verge of tears and only needed another excuse to burst out again. I felt another surge of love for my parents and smiled sadly. I was missing home already, even through my excitement.  

 

I was still waiting for my luggage to appear on the conveyor belt. I remembered how daddy had himself tied those blue and red ribbons to the handles of the suitcases on the night before my departure so that I could identify them easily. Unlike mummy, he rarely expressed his emotions, but in such small acts of concern, in his oft-repeated instructions, in those few seconds where he had seemed lost on the dinner table, in the awkward pat on the head he gave me after I hugged him for the last time in India, in the hint of a glint of a tear that I thought I had seen in his eye after we had broken apart, I could sense what he felt but masked behind jokes and laughter.

 

And then, another surge of emotion. I wanted to make them proud, so proud that it would plaster a beaming smile onto their faces for all eternity.

 

Daddy had always said that one should always aspire to be the best one can be, no matter what route one takes in life, which comes only naturally if one loves what one does. His words would never cease to inspire me, but even more than his words, the way he had himself become a symbol of excellence, his very life, enthused me everyday to follow his example. My love was journalism, and my ambition, to make a difference to people's lives by empowering them with information and giving them a voice -

 

"Boyfriend?" a voice said.

 

That was the first word he said to me. Prophetic much?

 

I looked at him, a tall, thin, spiky-haired guy with round eyes that spelt an innocent sort of mischief. And that charming lop-sided dimpled smile. In my mind, I could almost hear a soundtrack for this first meeting of ours: soft piano notes. I was after all a true romantic at heart, in love with the very idea of love. Could it be? This extremely attractive young man, the knight in shining armour of my adventure tale in this foreign faraway land?

 

"Huh?" I let out, privately smiling at the odd propensity of my thoughts to morph so wildly into these naive fantasies.

 

He laughed slightly, but not unkindly.

"No, I was looking at you smile at yourself, and guessed you probably had a boyfriend tucked away at home that you were thinking about so fondly."

 

"I don't have a boyfriend," I responded. I tried to look dispassionate but my lips betrayed an amused twitch.

 

He raised his eyebrows in mock surprise and displayed that dimple of his again. His smile was infectious.

 

And so, it began. The chronicle of our conversations, that later in the night, starry-eyed, I would replay in my mind, as I would, just like in the movies, giggle his name into my pillow: Kabir.

 

As coincidence would have it, Kabir was also enrolled at the same university as me and was also in his first year of study. He was older than me, because I had been home-schooled and was consequently at university a few years before my peers, whilst he had taken a gap year before starting university.

 

Soon enough, we had become friends, although everybody in our giddy gang of first year students felt that there was more than just friendship at hand. In fact, one of my best friends, Irene, made it a point to tease me about it every time we would meet at the hostel dining hall to try and consume the tasteless food we were subjected to. I would dismiss the very idea, of course, and insist that there was nothing of the kind between Kabir and myself. Secretly, though, I knew she had a point and quite enjoyed the teasing.

 

Of course, no dimpled prince charming, no matter how magnetic, could whisk me away from my dreams, deter me from achieving what I had set out to seek. I carried with me the hopes, the faith of my parents.

 

But it did not hurt, did it, that I had met a somebody for whom I was special? Somebody, a caring, gentle, intelligent, fun-loving somebody, that I somehow connected with, who went out of his way to spend time with me, who plucked me flowers from the roadside, who always found a way to cheer me up, no matter what. 

 

"Your boyfriend," Irene would chirp.

 

But no, he was my friend. My best friend. With whom I just happened to be extremely enamoured.


The following 9 member(s) liked the above post:

a little faithkirti123NewdimeSunriseGreen--jiya--alaipayutheyepiphany.aish_punkspln

--jiya--

IF-Rockerz

--jiya--

Joined: 01 January 2011

Posts: 5599

Posted: 07 August 2011 at 12:56am | IP Logged
res... 
will edit after monday (after my exam ends) :)

happy friendship day to youHug

edited.. sorry, i am horribly lateOuch

well, a beautifully crafted first chapter u have there kiru.. standing ovation on that.. the way you started from the present, took it back to the past and again ended it on the present, the flow, was extremely calm and smooth.. and this is what i like it best in your writing style.. whatever you write, you just make the reader flow with the.. "lyrics" - should i say? keep writing kiru.. and please do complete this one..

and again really very sorry for being late.. regarding the breather, i have deliberately landed an axe on my leg by joining MBAGeekWacko, i hardly get time to breatheOuch

thnks for the pm.. and yes, i agree with NJ.. it is an honour to be on a pm list that bears only 4 namesApprove

Heart...
~jiya~


Edited by --jiya-- - 10 August 2011 at 7:53am

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

..kiran..

spln

IF-Sizzlerz

spln

Joined: 06 December 2007

Posts: 11036

Posted: 08 August 2011 at 8:25am | IP Logged
Ever so honored to be on a PM list which bore only 2 IDs Smile Kiran - have we met before? We must have crossed paths, sometime of our life, without knowing, and some kind of telepathic information exchange took between our heads and subconsciouses unbeknownst to us - trust me!

Why I say so? The name Kabir. I nearly jumped out of my skin when i read that name - no its not a one name a kind in the universe. But still! I'll skip the details of why and how - its a long, and not so interesting story - but let's stick to the name being a coincidence!

Btw - Never, ever, ever, hint to a reader like me, that a story is 'real'. Geez, I was so distracted by thinking of it that way, that I could barely concentrate on the story - then I was so drawn into the narrative, that I could hardly concentrate on linking to the reality - you've got me stuck, oh delete the A/N from my head already! '

A wonderfully written chapter 1... but really, I'd never expect otherwise or any less, when  you're holding the pen (figuratively speaking in our generation LOL )

Please update soon? It's been a while since I followed a story of fiction which takes time being updated, and given my crazy days, the imaptient side of me has blossomed like never before. No, this is not a threat. But if threats work well to push you - you can imagine it like one LOL

We should go back to PM conversations. I hope school is going well - which translates to 4 hours of sleep and at least 2 meals a day... and maybe an hour of gyming. That's human allowance enough. Otherwise, sue them! LOL

cheers,
NJ

ps: I never did ask, because I never wondered - but what's your zodiac?

The following 4 member(s) liked the above post:

..kiran..a little faithNewdime--jiya--

..kiran..

Groupbie

..kiran..

Joined: 28 October 2010

Posts: 157

Posted: 09 August 2011 at 1:47am | IP Logged
Originally posted by --jiya--

res... 
will edit after monday (after my exam ends) :)

happy friendship day to youHug
 
 
 
Aww! Happy friendship day to you too, Jiya!! Hug Big smile
Take your time. I'm sure you'd be needing a breather after your exams.
 
 
 
 

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

--jiya--

..kiran..

Groupbie

..kiran..

Joined: 28 October 2010

Posts: 157

Posted: 09 August 2011 at 1:49am | IP Logged
Originally posted by spln

Ever so honored to be on a PM list which bore only 2 IDs Smile Kiran - have we met before? We must have crossed paths, sometime of our life, without knowing, and some kind of telepathic information exchange took between our heads and subconsciouses unbeknownst to us - trust me!

Why I say so? The name Kabir. I nearly jumped out of my skin when i read that name - no its not a one name a kind in the universe. But still! I'll skip the details of why and how - its a long, and not so interesting story - but let's stick to the name being a coincidence!

Btw - Never, ever, ever, hint to a reader like me, that a story is 'real'. Geez, I was so distracted by thinking of it that way, that I could barely concentrate on the story - then I was so drawn into the narrative, that I could hardly concentrate on linking to the reality - you've got me stuck, oh delete the A/N from my head already! '

A wonderfully written chapter 1... but really, I'd never expect otherwise or any less, when  you're holding the pen (figuratively speaking in our generation LOL )

Please update soon? It's been a while since I followed a story of fiction which takes time being updated, and given my crazy days, the imaptient side of me has blossomed like never before. No, this is not a threat. But if threats work well to push you - you can imagine it like one LOL

We should go back to PM conversations. I hope school is going well - which translates to 4 hours of sleep and at least 2 meals a day... and maybe an hour of gyming. That's human allowance enough. Otherwise, sue them! LOL

cheers,
NJ

ps: I never did ask, because I never wondered - but what's your zodiac?

 
 
 
NJ!! Hello-shello!
 
I in fact PM'ed 4 people, Jiya being one of them. But yes, still kind of exclusive, hey? Wink Actually I didn't want to spam too many people who might not be interested, so I picked out those who had specifically asked me to notify them if I wrote anything in the future.  
 
Well, who knows, we might have met somewhere. Absolutely no reason to dismiss that possibility.  
 
Kabir was actually a complete coincidence (if at all there is such a thing as a complete coincidence - I vote not). I wanted a particular feel to the character's name, and I just couldn't get the right one. It was actually Sameer till the last minute when I realised it was too filmi. But all that aside, I am so deeply intrigued by your Kabir connection! Tell tell? Tongue
 
Oh don't worry about the A/N. It could have been nothing more than a marketing strategy Wink Also, aren't all stories to some extent true? But also, never quite entirely so?
 
Thanks so much for commenting Big smile Super chuffed you liked! I will definitely try to sneak in some writing time somewhere in the 4 hours of sleep, etc. and update soon. School's fun. Errm, my nerdy kind of fun Embarrassed
 
And I'm an Aries, although in some respects, I identify more with my moon sign which is Cancer. You?
 
 

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

a little faith

a little faith

Goldie

a little faith

Joined: 09 January 2009

Posts: 2039

Posted: 09 August 2011 at 1:14pm | IP Logged
Kiran, I am truly sorry for this delay in reading and replying.

Although I have only read one piece of yours I would humbly consider myself your fan, for your writing was filled with details that I loved losing myself and finding myself therein too.

The title to this piece is wondrous. I took a moment to fully appreciate it.  I loved the notion from the film music and lyrics about how the melody is like the charms of a person what attracts us but the lyrics are the substance, that which keeps us forever close.  Here the use of elusive lyrics indicates that the person is indeed seeking something which your wonderfully piece of poetry elucidates as something of substance within themselves.  That search for kindred.

I knew I knew that song,

Couldn't help but hum along,

I loved the repeat at the beginning for it adds a layer of doubt rather than solid statement a simple 'i knew that song' would have brought.  Finely done, using two positives to make a negative.  Excellent! So then almost to negate that negative nuance they hum along despite themselves, almost a pretense to fool themselves into that belief.  I loved how you use a negative again could NOT help, to add to their precarious conviction.  Cleverly done. 

To find in that melody,

Lyrics that eluded me

I loved the flow of these lines, just the perfect words in the perfect order.  I loved how it incorporates both the physical aspects of the actual search of lyrics that fit to that piece as well as the more spiritual issue of lyrics, of substance to a mystery they still could not solve.  Wonderfully done. 

The title Ashore, sets a ambiance of safety, of security as opposed to being upon uncertain waters, which you reinforce with your use of our story, for the protagonist isn't alone, that in the end, for better or worse, their life connected with another life, which really is an important function of our lives.

amidst irritable nerds...my eyes filled with tears This image though wondrously inspired is penned endearingly.  Just as soon as our laugh erupts you curb it with sweetness.

Perhaps it all started when my steps led me to the land where we were destined to meet. True we can never say which exact step we took in life was the first towards our beloved. Maybe its footprint lies somewhere on that day we first dreamed of him.

a remotely related aunty, and a not at all related auntie LOL Wonderful. I remember confusing my English friends with tales of my aunties which reached triple figures only to elucidate that aunty really is any lady over a certain age that knows your mum. LOL Wonderfully penned.

what in the world would I eat I love your detailing of characterizations with short and sweet and very insightful quips.  True, our mother's first concern at our birth remains with them throughout our lives.  You so subtly but significantly expound their loving bond, that care she must have had growing up, so wittily written.  Excellent.

Then that layering of history in your wondrous style, since I was a staunch western fast food junkie anyway We understand her background so well, and within just two lines. Truly a very gifted writer.  I loved how you also bring in, slowly but surely tension of this change, her parents and her own. However ours too, for she coming from such sweetness to strangeness of that which is foreign.

blue and red ribbons to the handles...awkward pat I loved how you note the unfairness of society that father's must seek surreptitious ways to say things.  I loved how the image of tying blue and red ribbons, is akin to her mother's tying of such ribbons on her pigtails when she must have been a little girl.  In this way the love they gave is one and the same, it isn't a dissection of actions so that we may see who loved her more, but that they both loved her, as parents, a unit, the same. Wonderful.

I loved how you create this really romantic scene and then "Huh?"LOL Lovely!

My best friend. Dosti bole toh...pyar, sacha pyar.  Like the one that is given to us by our parents, for by this love we gain the strength to stand alone.  Just as her parents support reaches over mountains, past oceans to new lands, so here this friendship grants her courage to dream out aloud, past all rationales and common sense.  I love how you give her both the mind for ambition but the heart for love, the fairytale kind.  Finely done.

Family; the ties that bind and yet free us from the chains of the world,
Friendship; the earthly anchors that ground us whilst we set sail for those horizons set in the sky.

Excellent and entertaining first chapter. I am looking forward to the development of plot and characters written with your infectious charm dimpled with hearty insights! With much love, Sabah



Edited by a little faith - 09 August 2011 at 1:17pm

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

..kiran..

--jiya--

IF-Rockerz

--jiya--

Joined: 01 January 2011

Posts: 5599

Posted: 10 August 2011 at 7:54am | IP Logged
edited my post!!Big smile

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

..kiran..

Post Reply New Post

Go to top

Related Topics

  Topics Topic Starter Replies Views Last Post
Solace l Part 17 l Pg 22 Updt 27/05

2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 22 23

yikes 183 9230 24 October 2010 at 1:05am
By -Blossy-
Perfect - Short Story - pg.2 last part

2 3 4

-bhootni- 31 2231 30 September 2010 at 8:11am
By Escapist
The scent of the sea- part 4, page 2

2

-Eva- 10 871 01 August 2010 at 8:32pm
By charmyshah001
~~AVALON: Land Of Fairies~~ Part 14

2 3 4 5 6 7 8

MrMonster 58 3713 30 July 2010 at 10:30am
By meggs
False Mirror - Part 3- The Final Part Pg 8

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

-Aria- 68 4722 22 June 2010 at 2:53pm
By -Aria-

Forum Quick Jump

Forum Category

Active Forums

Limit search to this Forum only.

 

Disclaimer: All Logos and Pictures of various Channels, Shows, Artistes, Media Houses, Companies, Brands etc. belong to their respective owners, and are used to merely visually identify the Channels, Shows, Companies, Brands, etc. to the viewer. Incase of any issue please contact the webmaster.