Joined: 07 December 2010
"Love That Was Lost"
Every time I look outside my office window, 11 floors high; the winding road, leading up to the building brutally reminds me of my life. It has so many curves and blind turns, that you're totally oblivious to what's coming towards you from the next turning point. At times, this road is quiet and deserted, but mostly busy with the flow of people, running in and out. But you know what they say; every walked path remembers each footstep that was ever laid on it. I have always let people walk in and out of my life, but not without leaving a mark of their presence. Some remain as a faint distant memory, but some remain as unforgettable and memorable as the feeling of first drop of Rain on a hot summer day.
I always thought of myself as a mystery that remains unfolded, no matter how many brains tried. To be honest, I wanted to remain so. But the course of life never did run on our accord. As usual Destiny had other plans for me and I Fell in love. My life turned upside down and my sanity bid me good bye. It has been 9 years, and even today, his voice melts me, his touch makes me tremble and his eyes make me lose control.
He alone had control over me, so strong that I failed to understand myself. I could feel self control slipping through my finger like dry sand. He could blind fold and make me walk on fire, and I would oblige to it like my heartbeat. We share a love so strong, that at times it was difficult to understand the depth of our own feelings for one another. It felt as if we were living in a dream, and that's exactly what it proved to be; "A Dream that shattered with a wake of an eye". The slap of reality shattered me into so many pieces, that they injured everybody coming in the way of my life.
Years passed by, but not without teaching me the art of fake smile and false dignity. Every passing day made me stronger, and I learned to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, destroyed life and walk bravely in the face of life. I had closed the doors to my life and emotions and would never let anybody touch the soft and vulnerable me. But today, the way she cried and broke down in front of me, my life took a 360 degree turn. I felt like I was listening to another version of me. She just took me down my life's memory lane of emotions, pain and "Love That Was Lost".
My name is Roshni, Or 'zindgi' as somebody so lovingly called me. I've lived 27 years of my life, and today I'm an Interior Designer and a painter. I never learned to express my pain and emotions through words, so I found painting and Interior Designing to be the portal of my expression. But Today my friend & colleague, Sarah's tears forced me to rethink my past and express them in a way I have never done; Write. Sarah is a girl with simple ideologies about love, life and is of a tender age Of 18. Today I'm forced to think if love stories ever come true, or the end result is always pain, tears and life long journey into loneliness.
Joined: 07 December 2010
Joined: 07 December 2010
"Roshni, we have decided to move back home"..Announced my mom with a very quiet tone.
My hands that were busy typing away at the speed that could defy light, came to a quiet halt and I turned around to look at my mom. She was lying on the bed, with blanket covering her up to her chest. It was -25 degrees outside. Her eyes looked lost in space somewhere. I quickly bid goodbye to my friend online, climbed up the bed, and slid in the blanket beside my mom and sat there in anticipation.
"Kya? Why? When? "My voice was loud with excitement and surprise.
I had moved to US with my parents with two younger brothers, when I was 13 years old in. Now I had recently joined university to study Interior Designing. We often visited the family back home but the visits were short and temporary. I wanted to live there. I wanted to pursue my graduate studies there. A country where everybody spoke my language, where I was not judged based on how I looked and dressed. A country where I belonged.
" We're getting old, and much rather be with our family at this age…You never know what might happen.." mom was telling me the reason for their sudden decision.
I was thinking if that really was the reason why they wanted to move back. I mean I was growing up and they really wanted me to get married now. But whatever was the reason, I let it slide as I was more interested in knowing when we were going.
"Mom, you're not old, don't say that…you're ever young, ask daddy.." I said with a smile on my face and a hint of "shararat" in my tone to pull her attention back from space, and focus on me.
Which of course worked, and she gave me a 'sharmili' look and a hint of blush appeared on her wrinkled yet beautiful cheeks. It always amazed me that even after 20 years of being married; she still manages to blush at the mere mention of love for her husband. I used to think if love could ever have that power over me. I always thought, 'no way, I would never blush, how old school is that. I see so many couple everyday, I don't see girls blushing pink and red when they're with their significant other.
"Sharam Karo…don't talk like that, he's your father. Have some respect" Warned my mom with a strict tone.
'But ..what did I say, I just said dad thinks you're still young and beautiful. Is that something to be ashamed of?"..I said an amused tone..
"bas karo…where have u taken the conversation. We have booked the tickets and we'll be leaving after a month, so start packing from today. God knows how many fazool things you have in your room, and we can't possibly take everything with us…" She continued on to inform me…
"Next month.." I said it loudly, almost in disbelief…"Oh My God..Yes!..Thank you, Thank you thank you mom..I Love you…" I ranted on and on with excitement. I kissed her forehead and just jumped off the bed, and ran to my room, leaving my mom muttering under her breath about how crazy and childish I was even at the age of 18...
Joined: 07 December 2010
The flight had been long and turbulent! God! How I hate traveling by plane. It scare me the most, but always reminds me how important life is, and how blessed I am to be alive and surrounded with loved ones. The touchdown of the plane, gave me Goosebumps. I was finally home. My feelings at that time were of a person who meets her love after decades. I tried to smell the familiar air, but immediately started Coughing. Smiling with teary eyes, I said to myself, "Welcome back Roshni!"
It had been a tiring yet a satisfying day. I had never expected such a warm welcome. The whole family had gathered at the airport to welcome us. So many hugs, smiles and love to go around. The neighborhood people were peeking from behind closed doors and windows to see who had come. Most of them had come out in the streets to greet us! Such is the beauty of simple people. I felt like I was a celebrity of my little mohalla. I could've sworn I saw a couple of guys checking me out already!
"Tauba! these guys have nothing better to do than to stare and waste time idling around, waiting for girls to pass by"...I said it loud enough for them to hear. My tone clearly hinted towards irritation but I doubt they understood a word of what I had said. If one thing they were, that was dheet.
Food was great, and the weather was pleasant. I was thrilled at the thought that I'm here permanently. Finally, at around 5 AM, all my cousins were kind enough to let me sleep for a couple of hours, as in the afternoon they wanted to take me shopping, to buy some nice Shalwar Kameez, I never could understand the reason why wearing my Jeans was such an issue there. Perhaps for them if I wore jeans, I was too besharam and would endanger family's respect and reputation. I never bothered to argue, because I knew better.
For a week, the only thing I remember doing was travel from one place to another. I was having the time of my life and living the dream. It was not after long, that life came back to normal, and I came to my senses.
"Roshni, beta I think you've had enough fun, it's time for you to start applying to universities…" my dad reminded me of something I had completely forgotten.
"Oh yeah, papa ji thanks for reminding me. Will you take me to visit a couple of universities tomorrow? "..I asked my dad, who was watching news on TV. He was so lost in the news, that he neglected me completely.
"Dad..?" I said in a tone that was more of a question, "daddy, your lovely daughter is talking to you, and wants to discuss her future with you, and you're looking at the future of the country?..ye kahan ka insaaf hai? "…I sounded like a 6 year old kid seeking attention and complaining.
"What happened to you Roshni, stop bothering me, and go with your friend tomorrow, or take your brother with you.." the reply from dad was a bit hasty and sounded a bit irritated.
I thought best to leave him alone, and decided to call my childhood friend Muskaan, who could go with me on the quest of knowledge, or in simple words, University Hunting. Muskaan and I are only some months apart. She's only 5 months older than me, but I always bossed her. She had just completed studies up to grade 12, and was now interested in getting married, reading love stories, eating and sleeping. I spoke to her for an hour talking about all the guys of our mohalla. I'm a good girl, but I'm still entitled to some fun, nahi? I could always count on her for the latest gossip.
"Rosh..get off the phone, it's not America..here you pay for the local calls..".. I heard my mom's angry voice.
"Oops, hey Muski, I'll see you tomorrow at 9 am then. I have to go now, or else I'll be sleeping in the street tonight."...I was quick to hang up.
I took out my clothes for the morning, ironed them, and went to bed, but I just couldn't fall asleep. I had butterflies in my stomach, the anticipation of exploring something new was on its high. Finally, my dream of going to a university in my country, was coming true. Lot of people thought of me as crazy at this thought. They always argued that people go to US to study, and you wanted to come back from there to study. I never could understand the reason, and neither could I ever make others see logic in my excitement. But today I'm able to see the reason behind all my reasoning. To me, now my history makes sense.
Joined: 07 December 2010
"Muski, I feel like somebody's staring at me"'I grabbed Muskaan's sleeve and pulled her closer. My voice was muffled and sounded like I was scared. Muskaan looked at me and started laughing.
"Rosh, grow up, obviously somebody's going to look at you, everybody has eyes you know"...She informed me with a smirk.
I could do nothing but stare at her but I could swear somebody was standing behind the pillar on my right side, and from time to time popped his head out to look at me. I turned around and caught his eye, and my life froze. I just couldn't move. I felt like his eyes were pulling me into him and I couldn't do anything but to stare back. Muskaan grabbed hold of my arm and was trying to drag me to the cafeteria, and I felt like I was stone.
The uneasy feeling started to build up in my stomach, and my heart started to race like a wild horse. Just in time my mom woke me up.
"Roshni, it's 7:30 AM, get up and get ready. Sleeping will not get you to the university."'my mom was saying while walking out of the room. I could hear voice from a distant. She was preparing breakfast, and I could smell the pratha.
I tried to come back to my senses. I looked around and saw I was still in my room. When did I fall asleep? Why is my heart beating so fast? Oh, I feel so lifeless! All of a sudden, two eyes appeared, and the feelings came back. I began to get uneasy and numb again. I almost threw the blanket off me, and jumped to my feed. I need to stop thinking about this dream, which feel more like reality. I grabbed my cloths, and ran to the washroom. Maybe I could wash this feeling away.
I finally managed to get ready by 8:45 only to find Muski waiting for me in the kitchen. She was happily chatting away with my mom, filling her in on all the years she had missed. This girl was not concerned with the age of the person she was speaking to, she just loved to talk. I walked in the kitchen, and sat on the table.
"Bas kar chatterbox. Mom is not concerned with the news of the world." I slapped her on the shoulder, which resulted from an 'ouch' from her and a pinch on my arm.
"chal chal, she's been listening to me so keenly, and is enjoying my talk.."Muskan was saying, sounding proud of what she was doing.
"Talk? You mean to say your bakwas.." I quickly cut her off and said with a smile.
"Roshni, stop this nonsense, and start eating or you'll get late." In came mom's instructions, and broke of our little war of words.
At 10:00'O clock we were both sitting in the admission office of a university. I had gone through the prospectus, and immediately had loved their interior design program; it was just what I wanted. They gave us the tour to the university. Our guide brought us to a common hall, where a lot of students were sitting. Some were studying and mostly were just chatting away. All of a sudden, I felt I had been there before. But how can it be, this is the first time I'm coming here. Why does this place, this room seem so familiar? I was getting restless, and all of a sudden I remembered my dream again. 'Oh, this was the room I saw in my dream"'That realization was not helping, as it brought with it, those two eyes.
"Thank you ma'am. I'll just look around, and I'll see you back in the admission office". I told our guide nicely, so she could leave us alone, and I could look around on my own.
I took Muskaan's hand and pulled her towards a sofa that was available. I sat there and closed my eyes. I was in my dream again. Exact same place, same sofa, and same corner. I shot open my eyes, and turned to the right. There it was, the pillar but nobody was standing behind it. Thank God! Muskaan was too busy noticing all the guys sitting there. Sometimes I thankful to her habits, because I really did not want to be answering her anything.
We left from there soon after, and went to a couple of other universities. Everywhere they had almost same program, but there was something pulling me towards that university. I wish I dint have that dream. Even if I did not try, I kept thinking about the dream and the common hall. It was like it had totally taken over my thoughts and the power to make decision. I felt like the decision was already made for me.
My dad had also like the first university better, and by this time I'd convinced myself that destiny is playing it's card and no matter how much I try, I'm going to end up in that university. But I still wanted to think for some time. I couldn't just chose a university based on a dream. Or could I?
Joined: 27 March 2011
Joined: 26 June 2010
Joined: 07 December 2010
The morning was
beautiful and peaceful. The sky was dark blue with hues of orange and reds
peeking through the edges. The sun was just waking up and was slowly spreading
its arms out to reach to the entire world and give it a hug of light and
warmth. Crisp green grass on the edges of the canal was beautiful and burdened
with the shinning crystal like dew drops. Flowers were smiling at the beauty of
the nature and birds were singing merrily as if they were praising the creator.
I had woken up early today. The beauty of the morning drew me towards the quiet canal bed across from my house. Walking in the morning was not my daily routine, but today was the beginning of a new chapter for me. I wanted to have a fresh mind before I started the first day of university. Incase u r wondering, I did end up choosing the same university. I had that dream again twice, and today again i woke up with it. I have developed an unknown connection with the mystery eyes already.
That dream always left me shaken and lost. What was it about those eyes that allured me to him? I didn't even know who he was. The night before I actually prayed to God, that if I'm going to dream about him again, might as well show me his face and get the mystery out of the way..! But I guess dreams were having fun with me. Thinking about the first day of university was giving me jitters. I am not sure what was making me more nervous, first day at a new place, or the possibility of meeting the man who had taken over my dreams.
Lost in my thoughts, I looked at my watch and realized it was 7'o clock. The dawn had broken, and the red and orange light had spread halfway through up the sky. I realized I had been out for a while now, and I could not afford be late for the university bus that would pick me up from the point at 8.30. I quickly turned around and started walking towards my house.
"You're back. What took you so long; I was beginning to think you had lost your way..!"I heard mom inquire from the kitchen, but I could hear a sigh of relief in her tone.
"Sorry mom, I lost track of time. The morning is so beautiful, it kept me enchanted..!" I put her mind at ease and went to get ready.
sun was beating down hard. Waiting for the bus from past 10 minutes, made me
regret the decision of not taking the car. I fancied travelling by the bus with
my other uni fellows, and thought of it as a good way to make friends. The
blasting horns of the passing by traffic, the smoke emitting from the vehicles,
rikshawalas calling loudly for passengers, and how can I forget the disgusting
looks from stand Byers. I promised myself not to mention on of that to my
mother, or I will be sitting home for the rest of my life. I was lost in my
thoughts, when somebody pulled on my sleeve. Annoyed, I looked towards my left,
and saw a young girl of probably 6 or 7 standing with her hand stretched
Her hair was beautiful light brown, but seemed like dirt was woven into them. Her eyes were such a beautiful shade of light green with a hue of hazel, but sadness had filled them up. Her questioning eyes were wandering over my face as if she knew I was studying her.
"Ik rupaya dedo na baji, khuda ke naam par dedo baji.." i heard her fragile voice, but well rehearsed.
"What's your name?" I bent down and held her face.
"Rano", she replied with a shy smile. "dedo na baji"She reminded me again.
I reached in my bag and took out 20 rupees and handed them to her. Her face lit up with such a bright smile, which I thought would be enough to light up the rest of my life. She quickly ran to her friend across the street and showed the money!
My heart filled with sadness for these two girls. At the age when they should be playing and should not have a worry in the world, are running around on busy roads, risking their lives in hopes of gathering some money for their family.
A loud horn yanked me out of my thoughts. The bus was finally here, and was 5 minutes late. "ah..when will these people ever learn to be on time" I muttered under my breath. Bus stopped in front of me with the screeching breaks. Driver was a man in his early 30's.
"Madam Card", he asked me for the student card in a voice which sounded like as if it hadn't smiled in ages and was as hard as the breaks of the bus he was driving.
I showed him the card, and paved my way through the narrow isle of the bus. Bus was almost empty, so it was easier to find an empty seat to my liking. I saw a couple of girls turn their heads towards me and nod with a quick smile. I was grateful for the welcome. Bus made a couple of more stops and i was observing people getting on. Girl would come straight to their seats, and guys would sit with the driver, exchange hellos and some quick laughs before moving all the way to the back of the bus. Bus was almost full, when it made another stop, approximately 4 stops after mine. A couple of girls entered the bus, and behind them followed a guy. He sat beside the bus driver, and the bus took off. Something changed in the bus.
All of a sudden I felt my heart started to beat faster than normal, and my eyes kept wandering towards the guy's broad back, sitting with the driver. He was leaning towards the driver, so his weight had shifted on one arm. The other hand was carelessly resting on his leg. From time to time he took his hand up to his hair and ran his fingers through them. I tried to ignore him and my awfully fast beating heart. But Kambakht ankhain, they were being pulled towards him like he was a magnet. Oh God Rosh, control yourself. Stop looking towards him." a feeble try it was. All of a sudden he turned around and his eyes found mine. The story had begun!
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