Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems


Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems
Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems

Eyes And Vision [Original SS] : Chapter 10 : Pg 53 (Page 33)

FragranceOfLove IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 28 August 2009
Posts: 15190

Posted: 28 June 2011 at 10:04am | IP Logged
Originally posted by a little faith

Chapter One,

Excellent first line, tying in brilliantly with the title, as you throw us blindly into the action! Ahh...you always flatter me. For the first time, this title was not thought. It was sudden. I didn't think twice before typing it out.

I loved how you augmented her beauty with that inner light, that has means to turn ordinary into extraordinary and whose absence is like a reverse alchemy turning gold into lead. Thank you Embarrassed

I loved the dialogues, they flowed fluently and eloquently but very naturally too. I am so glad that you think so. I, by nature, speak like this only whenever i am alone. khud se baatein karne ke liye i speak like this...so it was quiet easy for me to use this language.

I loved the sincere insincerity of this line,  Kyunki ek ajnabi ko aapka kuch bhi bigaad kar kuch nahi haasil hoga. No stranger gets a profit by destroying other's life. She truly said it to remove any remnant of guilt the other may have in burdening her with her grief BUT in truth, such a sweet hearted person though a stranger would never remain estranged from those that she let into her heart. So true. I wonder how you are so accurate in your assumptions. she is unaware that when he walks away, her life would never be the same. Nicely done! Thank you :)

Chapter two

I loved how you peppered your dialogues with dekhiye and the like, gently reminding us of the title and its literal and figurative significance.  LOL. That was how i wanted them to be. That word was used deliberately and with a pun.

"Par humein toh aapka naam pata hi nahi hai. Phir humein kaise pata chalega ki aapne apna naam badla hai ya nahi?" Cute moment. LOL Thank you :) Wonderfully done! "Gundo ko aapke khilaf supari denge!" Even cuter. That was spontaneous. i typed it out without realizing that i was. In fact, this whole story is typed spontaneously. I had no idea what i was getting myself into. Truly, well done! Thanks :)

These last two lines were just electric. I felt a little wave of shivering go through her body. I mentally cursed myself for not thinking about her. The manner he feels her hurt, that forming of a bond immediately followed by that pull of previous binds.  Excellently done! Thanks. It was my intention. I am amazed at your qualities. You catch up minor details so easily.

Chapter three

Again that force of a newly forming bond. I felt as if it was a painful smile. So that he is pulled and pushed from his present to his past. Yup.

I loved this image that you create, Thank you :) The shade wasn't just a shade, it was like a room...with an exception of a lock on the door. Just like a person, maybe Arth, that darkness within him, not merely remaining a small region but a whole complete entity which is not harboured but as you imply that without a lock it is very much anchored. Wow. What a view of seeing it.

"Pankhudi, aapki shaadi ho gayi hai kya?" I must say, this threw me off course.  It seemed a little out of place, almost impropriety. However I am very old fashioned and do realize that nowadays it may not seem so stark.  Or maybe that was your intention. It was my intention. I am very old fashioned at heart. Arth wanted a confirmation to his thoughts. and without thinking that he was doing it, he did it.

Chapter Four

but also I had invited her to her own house. Just excellent detailing.  Thanks :) The manner you use the action to elucidate that he despite his sight he is unable to see anything, but merely looks and makes incorrect assumptions, obtuse conclusions. That's the difference between having eyes..and having vision.  He saw an abandoned house when in fact it was a home.  True... He sees her beauty BUT can not perceive past her mystery. He wouldn't believe it.  It makes me wonder how much he has missed in his own life, that burden he may be unnecessarily carrying.  He has missed his childhood days...he missed them while trying to impress his father.

I loved, JUST LOVED her explanation of her life. Thanks Embarrassed So many people's lives are written off, not by them BUT those around them, even though they have so much, and fail to attain the same pleasure as those they pity. True.  They see only darkness and doubt happiness. Yet every life is valid, has its own purpose and destined path and destined end. That's what Pankhudi thinks. she never lets anything get her down. She sees positive in almost everything. She is the one who would never allow herself to be sad.

a heavenly smile graced her lips. I loved this line. :) Heavenly, he is beginning to understand that the smallest of things are precious. He is beginning to realize that. She is beginning to rub off on him, as you eloquently segue into the next chapter. Yeah, she is. More deeply than he can ever understand.

Chapter Five

She smiled and her eyes held a sense of assurance. Truly, eyes are the windows to the soul, so we can look in even if they do not see. Eyes surely are. Besides, i love to speak with my eyes. And i can read eyes. So i can describe them personally. Wonderful. Thanks :)

I loved your handling of his dilemma. Thanks Embarrassed Haan, it is small when compared to her trials and yet it is no small thing. Wahi toh...problems are never big or small...they are...problems.  Each has his burden to bear and she never makes him feel guilty nor offers pity but only proffers a balm for his woe. She didn't pity him, because she knows how it feels to be pitied. So, she would definitely not pity him.

Bas fark yeh hai, ki koi use dikhata hai'aur koi nahi. I loved this line as it ties in with the ending sentiments. I always believed that to be the case when my grandfather was alive. He always used to scold me for watching TV or playing and i used to cry. But when i became mature, i realised that it was his way of showing his love for me. How will he show her his love, care or friendship?  He would...in the manner he can never understand.

Excellently done.  Thanks :) With much love, Sabah With much love, Mahak

I replied to you in green :)

Thanks for leaving a review :)

I wait for that <3

- Mahak

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...Aashi...a little faith

FragranceOfLove IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 28 August 2009
Posts: 15190

Posted: 28 June 2011 at 10:05am | IP Logged

Thanks for pressing the like tabs :)

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FragranceOfLove IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 28 August 2009
Posts: 15190

Posted: 28 June 2011 at 11:54am | IP Logged

"Aapki pareshaani ka hal toh humne de diya. Toh phir rone se kya fayda? Aur vaise bhi, humne suna tha ki mard ko dard nai hota."

She started smiling and made me laugh. We were both laughing together, when suddenly she became serious. I wondered what made her serious. But then, she asked something that I could never have thought.

"Kya hum aapke chehre ko chu sakte hain? Aapke apne ghar lautne se pehle, kya hum apne tareeke se, yaad kar sakte hain aapke is chehre ko?"

I could mutter a single word. I was spell bound and shocked.


The atmosphere had suddenly changed. I could feel my heart beats pick up the pace, as soon as those words left my lips. Why was I feeling so much? Why had the aura suddenly different? Were my feelings changing? Was I falling for her?

Her hands picked up on their own accord. They lightly touched my cheeks. They started outlining my face in a sensitive way. It felt as if, I was flying. I closed my eyelids and let myself just...feel.

I felt myself take in a sharp intake of breath. It was because of the way she touched me. And by touching, I meant not physically, but spiritually. It was as if she was seeing through my soul.

She gently minimized the distance between our bodies and I felt heaven. I was intoxicated by her feminine fragrance and lingering perfume. I felt like a tiger in a cage. This woman was making me feel…and I couldn't react.

She was producing some dark desires in me just by touching by damned face. And I felt like I was on fire. What the hell is the matter with me? Am I seriously lusting her? I must be mad to desire her.

She isn't like those girls. Her feather like fingers were just touching my face, damn it! Why the hell was feeling those dark feelings? Am I mad? She won't ever like me…let alone love me.

And how in the name of heaven, can I say that I love her? I maybe a lunatic! How can someone love someone just in the first meeting itself? I guess, I am having a crush on her. Would she mind it?

Should I tell her to distance herself from me, before I do something that I regret? But, she was just touching my face by her fingers! I so want to draw her closer, keep my hands on her waist and slower my mouth on hers.

Before I could have another share of my wild fantasies, she abruptly pulled away. Had she guessed my intentions? I mean, I have heard that girls have sixth sense where boys are concerned.

I wanted to ask her the reason for her abrupt movement, when I saw tears lingering in her eyes. What happened? Did I do something wrong? And to be honest, I am shocked. How can a blind person have tears? God! I am so lost when it comes to this girl.

Without thinking for a second, I cupped her face. I slowly brushed my fingers on her lingering tears. I saw her gently smile.

"Thank you."

I was puzzled by her sudden token of gratitude.

"Kis liye? Aur aap ro kyun rahi hain? Humne kuch galat kiya kya?"

"Nahi, aapne kuch galat nahi kiya hai. Shukriya, kyunki aapne humare mann mein jitna bhi darr tha, use khatam kar diya. Aapne humare insaniyat se uthe huye vishwaas ko phir se jaga diya. Aap sach much ek bahut ache dost hain. You truly care for me. Aap nahi jaante ki aapne humein kitna special feel karaya hai."

I was definitely lost. What is she talking about?

"Aap kya keh rahi hain? Kya hua?"

"Aap yeh kabhi nahi samajh paayenge ki aapne humpar kitna bada ehsaan kiya hai. Hum aapke itne kareeb aaye, phir bhi aapne humein nahi chua. Yeh jaante huye bhi ki hum ek andhe insaan hain, aapne humari majboori ka fayda nahi uthaya."

What the - ?

"Aap kehna kya chahti hain?"

"Hum yahi kehna chahte hain ki aaj aapne humara fayda na utha kar sabit kar diya ki aap ek bahut hi sache insaan hain. Varna aise bhi logon se hum mil chuke hain, jinhone humara fayda uthane ki koshish ki."

"Are you trying to say that - ?"

I couldn't think for a second. No! That couldn't be the case. But then, she dropped the bomb shell.

"Yes, I was sexually assaulted."

To be continued...

Hey Friends...I know... That I haven't been able to update on time, but the only reason for it was my net connection. My Airtel connection had been off for three days. God knows how i survived! But, I am giving a far bigger update than i ever gave. Hope you enjoy.

As you can yourself see, now the dark part has approached. Her past is darker than Arth's. But her positive energy is something else.

Sorry for leaving it at such a point. I would update tomorrow positively. And yeah, this SS is going to end.

Regarding the end part, you need to tell me whether you want Pankhudi with Arth or not. I want you guys to decide whether they belong together or not.

And Please leave a review if you like this one :) I really wait to hear from you.

And do press the LIKE tab <3

- Mahak

Edited by ...Mahak... - 28 June 2011 at 12:14pm

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EdgeOfCredence Goldie

Joined: 10 May 2011
Posts: 1701

Posted: 28 June 2011 at 12:21pm | IP Logged

The ending to this update was highly unexpected, but edging on the point that you're always unpredictable when it comes to writing, I must say you had my heart over this update! <33
So emotional and yet so practical as it comes to Pankhudi's point of view. Clap Well, this meant she held dubiety for Arth? Em not sure bout that part.. pardon my over-thinking. Confused Still, I adorn her deeds and her all the more. I appreciate you for bringing up stuffs like this, it intrigues me to read more that too Sooner, but as you say you're gonna end it in nearest future I'm kinda taken-aback but anyways, all good things come to an end. Smile Not to forget, you etched out feelings with immense composure, that means to be a strong point.
Bout the ending, I prefer you screen your talent n imaginations only. I'd lurve either ways, Pankhudi-Arth together or otherwise. Embarrassed

Edited by -Ecstasy- - 28 June 2011 at 12:45pm

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...Aashi... Groupbie

Joined: 26 December 2010
Posts: 116

Posted: 28 June 2011 at 12:24pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by -Ecstasy-


Aaj madam sabse pehle aa gai...lekin...iske badle you need to comment too...
And plz unreserve ur comment from the romantic one too!

P.S. - This is Mahi :)

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kweetrockstar IF-Rockerz

Joined: 23 October 2009
Posts: 7233

Posted: 28 June 2011 at 12:29pm | IP Logged
this was kind of a very touching part
srsly, i luvd it sooo much
thank u for such a nice part
n yes, i think Arth n Pankhudi shud be together
they deserve this one chance


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EdgeOfCredence Goldie

Joined: 10 May 2011
Posts: 1701

Posted: 28 June 2011 at 12:30pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by ...Aashi...

Originally posted by -Ecstasy-


Aaj madam sabse pehle aa gai...lekin...iske badle you need to comment too...
And plz unreserve ur comment from the romantic one too!

P.S. - This is Mahi :)

I started reading even before you PMed me! ROFL
I forgot bout that one!Confused But I'll unres both tomorrow! Warna, you can PM me to unres! ROFL

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tukun2009 Senior Member

Joined: 07 August 2010
Posts: 448

Posted: 28 June 2011 at 12:31pm | IP Logged

super updateClapfor the end i want pankhudi with arth.she also deserves happiness and maybe pankhudi get her eyesight back

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