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Golden was the time (Page 2)

drmaha IF-Dazzler
drmaha
drmaha

Joined: 10 November 2010
Posts: 2708

Posted: 28 May 2011 at 11:15am | IP Logged
its really realy beautiful sam...

beautifuly portrayd wht heart felt...


Golden was the time

Golden were the memories

When you and me

Were meant to be

But now it's not the same

Because everything just has changed

No one is at fault

Neither you nor me

that lines was really touchy...loved it... do write more sam...Hug


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-sam-

a little faith Goldie
a little faith
a little faith

Joined: 09 January 2009
Posts: 2040

Posted: 28 May 2011 at 11:21am | IP Logged

Golden was the time

I loved this title for it encapsulates so many nuances of past memories, of happier days or just a recollection of good times.  True poetry is the best words in the best order BUT it is also the illumination of those neat nuances within those very words, upon which we colour our own soul's hue.  Excellently done. 

I also loved how you excellently tweaked with the title, from the ubiquitous 'golden memories.'  Expertly weaving the words so that they mean the same and yet not so similar.  Golden memories leans towards memories that are golden to the person by their opinion of them in the subjective sense.  Here it can mean that too but also that the time in itself was best or perfect, the highest of any hierarchy, objectively.  The order itself was just beautiful, by placing the important element, that adjective at the beginning, illuminating that part more.  You have that poetic touch.  Just exceptional. 

Golden was the time

Golden were the memories

Here enhancing those nuances as I mentioned above, that the time encapsulates so many things, including memories which you single out here.

When you and me

Were meant to be

I loved this description of love.  That thrill of potential, of you and me against the world, of being forever and forever fated.  Affirming that eternal nature of their union in the present and yet all those presents yet to be. Lovely.

But now it's not the same

Because everything just has changed

Upon a tangent, I loved how you used this type of rhyming, that rhyming of sounds rather than the exact ending of words. It is by far my favourite and in my opinion, the most sophisticated of the means at the disposal of the poet.

No one is at fault

Neither you nor me...

Again, showcasing your poetic sensibilities, you use consonance to accentuate the important parts of your lines, no, neither. The negative aspect of the theme of your poem turned upon its head here, for it is used as reasoning for the protagonists rather then against them.  Excellently twisted. Clap

It wasn't supposed to end like this

But with time it just did

I loved how you subtly hint at the preciousness of those connotations of these words in bold from before in your poem, that golden tinge to time, and meant to be elements that now sting.  This theme you echo in the last verse, of them suffering due to their past incarnation. 

I love how you still use fate as the reasoning behind this unfortunate end, by evoking feelings of it being out of their hands EVEN though below you cite his lying, you do not here bring in any hints of disguise or deception, for change is change, unforeseeable AND fated too. Excellently done. Clap

We were meant to have faith

But to be together was never our fate

Again that beautiful and skillful rhyming that I love.  Here those first insinuations of sinister elements that corroded the gold. 

When the trust was falling

The hopes started dying

It was coz you were lying

Here again you expertly echo those elements that you brought in above, of it not being either one's fault.  The chicken and the egg issue. Did one lose trust first or the other begin to earn it? Wonderfully woven. 

We did love each other

And so now it's making us suffer

I loved, JUST loved these lines.  Yes, it alludes to the bittersweet inevitability of certain phases of our life OR even just alluding to the stage of their grief that they must travel through now, for once this phase of grieving so close to the end, where it still pinches to think of happiness, especially related happiness, once it is over, they will be able to move on and once again remember that time as golden. 

However more so, for me it is the tinging of title, that golden was the time referring to not only those happy moments BUT that time when they could look back and remember them without the sting that now is present. 

Coz we didn't let it toil

And just ruined it all

I loved the aspect of the effortlessness of love, that it does the work and we just enjoy the ride, the high.  That their interference through either maybe expectations or wishing for some future phase to hurry, rush towards them, AS many couples do, that are we there yet? axiom of our broadband speed pace of life that we just can't wait to let things roll on, roll by SO THAT we rush and rock those foundations upon which NOTHING can be built that would survive.

Samidha, I really liked this poem. I am more so impressed that it is your first proper attempt.  It has all the best elements of a poem, meaning, nuances as well as niches, beautiful rhyming and themes that run through and through but also contrast too.  Just exceptional.  I loved it. StarStarStarLove Sabah

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maverick_girlNirvrithiEdgeOfCredence-sam-Mou.a-little-hope

Mou. IF-Sizzlerz
Mou.
Mou.

Joined: 04 July 2009
Posts: 16746

Posted: 28 May 2011 at 11:27am | IP Logged
as i told u mujhe poem jada samajh nehi ati.but what touch me is simple verse that can touch my heart.that is a good poem for me...& urs one exactly did that!!!!!!!!! it was simple yet heart touching...keep it up gal! & i m so happy that finaly u r ableto write something...c i told u, u will pass this!!!!!! keep writing more!!!!!Hug

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adventure_gurl IF-Sizzlerz
adventure_gurl
adventure_gurl

Joined: 05 October 2005
Posts: 19674

Posted: 28 May 2011 at 11:43am | IP Logged
keep  writing that was a great first one!

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--Sanchu-- IF-Sizzlerz
--Sanchu--
--Sanchu--

Joined: 16 November 2010
Posts: 10962

Posted: 28 May 2011 at 12:08pm | IP Logged
amm...so a poem...
i liked it...
sorry wont be able to say much...dont have much idea about poems...
 
but i liked it immensely...
 
keep writing more...
thanks for the PM

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-sam-

mulan. IF-Dazzler
mulan.
mulan.

Joined: 30 November 2010
Posts: 3597

Posted: 28 May 2011 at 12:13pm | IP Logged
samidha its a really nice adn cute poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
thanku for sharing it with us!! :)
do write more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
p.s . i loved teh title!!!!!!!! <3

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-Priti11- IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 23032

Posted: 28 May 2011 at 12:17pm | IP Logged
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love.mayurarti IF-Rockerz
love.mayurarti
love.mayurarti

Joined: 15 January 2010
Posts: 5700

Posted: 28 May 2011 at 12:33pm | IP Logged
beautiful

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