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Stubborn Savita (Page 12)

shootingstar27 IF-Dazzler
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Posted: 16 March 2011 at 11:15pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by vishwap

And I am sick and tired of all the blame which Arman get , especially Archana for being the cause of Savita's problems. As though Savita has been very fair in her dealings always. Her actions are "practical" but Arman's actions are "mahaan"? When they get "practical", then they become selfish!Confused
 
 
Couldn't agree more.I feel exactly the same. ArMan are blamed for almost everything they do or dont do,they can never get anything right.  

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Posted: 16 March 2011 at 11:52pm | IP Logged

Just read this interesting conversation...main points are well argued from both the sidesClap...some contribution to a side note.

Karanjikars' two indulgences are wretched; Manjusha's eternal impunity and their partial respect (read indifference/apathy) to Manav's place.Angry They were more deferential to even a betrothed Jaywant, let alone married and rich Satish or Dharmesh. This smacks of hypocrisy and ingratitude

That said, Savita's grudge on Manav on the matter is commonplace but not condonable. She may be dismayed. But does it justify, even part thereof, her total renunciation of Manav? It appears, hey off with you unless you fight it out with them, you MY rooster. It's Manav's wish to punish or forgive them. Why should she hold-up this as collateral blockade to her relationship with her son? If Manav chooses to move forward on those relationships it's not her place to begrudge the forgiven. She may yet caution or remind him the drawback or if she chooses, she herself may be unforgiving but that can not translate into march out orders to a 'victim' for not 'fighting' his cause. As for her implied expectation from Archana the 'baggage' to tear off her relationship to her living parents, less said the better. If we remember, Manav's benevolent interaction with his own Sister's household is equally balanced. Besides, he does not propose to compromise or barter his duties or affections to his parent with new relations. No way, for all inferences from circumstantial conflicts, they do not point to base fabric of his disposition.

That said. Probably they are set for a generous and pious welcome by Aai. In the end, she herself goes collecting her children back to her nest. With a command, 'Ghar chalo'.Hug  Karanjikars go to your home.LOL  



Edited by smrth - 17 March 2011 at 1:10am

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Claire0206 Senior Member
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Posted: 17 March 2011 at 2:59am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Tanyaz

Originally posted by Claire0206

guy's need your frank  opinions , just want to know how would you react in a real life situation .....  ( I may not  be able to reply but i will definetly read what u have to say).

What if  our real mom was in Savita's place ( Old , sick and lonely) would  we  still act tough and try to teach her a  lesson???   Would we support our brothers/sisters doing this to our moms ?
 
I think when it comes to your own mom, we like to overlook it , and we do it all the time.  
 
I don't think there is anyone in this forum who would say  " yes I would leave my mother even if she is sick , old and lonely ' ...it is obvious that no one wouldsay this ..We all are good daughters and good mothers , and there are loads of very good sons  in this forum  so why would they say this ...
But is  this situation as simple as this.. I don't think so ...
When has Manav ever said ' I don't want to go back to my mother ' .He is dying inside .He desperately wants to go back to her ...he would go back the day she  lets him .He tried to go back the day he got married , then several tiems again ....but this lady wants only her son back not the daughter in law ..She clearly told Vandita '  Why can't he leave his wife for me " ...??
Now you tell me , is this a fair demand ???
 
At this moment , I don't even know what her stand is ....??
What is it she wants , I have no idea any more ..I just see a very sick but a very stubborn woman who is getting even more sick because of all the clutter that is in her mind ....
When someone wants to control other this much then ususally they are left disappointed and lonely .....
However I do not blame her alone for this scenario ..Her son is also very responsible because he was the one who gave her these habits ....He let her rule him  all her life and  now  suddenly he has realized that he wants to be happy on his terms ...Savita   just cannot reconsile with this change ..She is finding it very hard to come to terms with this ...
 
What Manav did earlier was very very very wrong ...No wonder everything is so messed up now ..I blame him a lot for all this  ....
I hope this track of Savita being difficult ends soon ....it is dragging and getting boring ...
If a mother loves her child so much then she will not be so angry that he is happy in his life.... It is just not possible for a loving mother to do so ...All this while she has witnessed the tears he shed for his love and how depressed he was ...
 
Both Manav and savita were wrong before ...They are both wrong now ..If Manav truly apologises  now  and wants to come back then I will be Ok with him ......
 
Tanya Di ,  what i wanted to know was how to handle such a situtations in real life.  I'll share with u my personal experience .  My hubby  is the eldest son followed by his 3 brothers & 1 sister.  Our was a arranged marriage . As to what  i understood my MIL had full control on him  i.e he used to give his entire salary to his mom and her decision was sort of final.  Her control on him was so much that, on our engagement day which was also his birthday, we had  decided to go out for dinner which was not approved by her and finally the outing was canceled.
 
After marriage, to my surprise i found out  that my hubby had zero savings and I would constantly hear that she has spent for his wedding ( in Goa for arranged marriages the wedding expenses are borne by both the parties 50-50). That is when , we decided to do some savings and started  giving our MIL  money for her monthly expenses ( as her other 2 sons were also working by then) .  From that day i was accused for changing her son and that her  son does not love her anymore.  After 5  years of marriage the  situation became very difficult ,  that  we left the house and started staying at my mom's place, as  she had  given  us a deadline that  from tomorrow on wards u will not touch my  things. From that day my family was  accused for taking away her son.  But my husband never stopped giving his mother the monthly expenses and visiting her and I never tried to come in between them.  During our stay at my mom's place my husband met with an accident at his work place , she blamed that on my family. I lost my father of cancer. Even today my MIL says to my mom that your husband died of cancer as an punishment for taking away my son. 
 
After 10 years of marriage, we got our first child and my husband said let go back home, mom has  changed now , she is not like before and she feels very lonely now as  the daughter was also married ,  second son  got married , went  thru same thing and stays with his In-laws .  Another son married just last year.  Now she thinks all her  married son's don't love her like before. It's been  3 years now that  we came to stay  in the house , initially i was reluctant and did not want to go thru all that  again. But what my husband said is,  What would you do if your mom had been in her place , just leave her alone on her own???  After all she is my mom.  If you think she is bad , why you also want to be bad like her.   What  i learnt  from my experience is , since she  had total control over  her children and all their  attention  for herself  that  she now dislike her DIL for  getting  her share of attention. And  if u are staying under one roof  then the final call would be allways her as long as she is there. Since I know where my husband happiness lies in, I try to overlook and say  why should i be bad like her.   
 
Inspite of  all the above, what i don't like in PR is the way they are showing the mother-son relationship.  It is more like you did bad to me now you deserve the suffering you are going thru.
I feel bad for  savita  ( credit for the actor, as she makes you feel for her )  and as a mother don't want to go thru all this and would never even wish my MIL go thru this. Here, Manav as son has also suffered, but  why show him taking a tough stand when his mother is in a bad shape. Does it give him any happiness to see his mother in this state, it a big No.   So wanted to know how would anyone react faced with a similar situation.
 
Hope have not  hurt anyone's feelings.

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Posted: 17 March 2011 at 5:16am | IP Logged
OMG Claire ...and then we say  that all this is fiction only ..
First of all a big hug for you from me ...You are such a brave and a good girl .Your husband is very very lucky to have you and so is your mother in law .....Hug
 
You have been through a lot .I cannot even imagine how it must have felt like after your father's passing away it was said that it was due to bad things done by your family ....
I am sorry but who is she to judge Karmas ...Is she God ??
Is savita God ?? who is she also to keep blaming her poor daughter in law for her youngest son's death when it was clearly an accidental death .
No they are not ..God was kind to them , they were blessed with sons and look what they made those blessings turn into ...they made their blessings into their weapons that they use in order to hurt  beautiful girls like you ( or Archana ) .....
One day such people will be answerable to God .....they better be ready for some real hard questioning then .....
 
I don't want to say more because when I get angry I really get angry ....LOL and I don't want to be rude at people who hurt and try to make others unhappy by guilt trips and such things ...
 
Of course it is wrong to ignore your mother when she is old and sick but it is equally wrong to let her hurt your wife .....very very wrong ...
In such cases  I think a man should buy a house near his parents house ...Do take care of the old parents  but make sure this his wife too spends every day of her life without listening to taunts and being humiliated ...
 

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koolsadhu1000 IF-Sizzlerz
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Posted: 17 March 2011 at 8:40am | IP Logged
Tanya Di ,  what i wanted to know was how to handle such a situtations in real life.  I'll share with u my personal experience .  My hubby  is the eldest son followed by his 3 brothers & 1 sister.  Our was a arranged marriage . As to what  i understood my MIL had full control on him  i.e he used to give his entire salary to his mom and her decision was sort of final.  Her control on him was so much that, on our engagement day which was also his birthday, we had  decided to go out for dinner which was not approved by her and finally the outing was canceled.
 
After marriage, to my surprise i found out  that my hubby had zero savings and I would constantly hear that she has spent for his wedding ( in Goa for arranged marriages the wedding expenses are borne by both the parties 50-50). That is when , we decided to do some savings and started  giving our MIL  money for her monthly expenses ( as her other 2 sons were also working by then) .  From that day i was accused for changing her son and that her  son does not love her anymore.  After 5  years of marriage the  situation became very difficult ,  that  we left the house and started staying at my mom's place, as  she had  given  us a deadline that  from tomorrow on wards u will not touch my  things. From that day my family was  accused for taking away her son.  But my husband never stopped giving his mother the monthly expenses and visiting her and I never tried to come in between them.  During our stay at my mom's place my husband met with an accident at his work place , she blamed that on my family. I lost my father of cancer. Even today my MIL says to my mom that your husband died of cancer as an punishment for taking away my son. 
 
After 10 years of marriage, we got our first child and my husband said let go back home, mom has  changed now , she is not like before and she feels very lonely now as  the daughter was also married ,  second son  got married , went  thru same thing and stays with his In-laws .  Another son married just last year.  Now she thinks all her  married son's don't love her like before. It's been  3 years now that  we came to stay  in the house , initially i was reluctant and did not want to go thru all that  again. But what my husband said is,  What would you do if your mom had been in her place , just leave her alone on her own???  After all she is my mom.  If you think she is bad , why you also want to be bad like her.   What  i learnt  from my experience is , since she  had total control over  her children and all their  attention  for herself  that  she now dislike her DIL for  getting  her share of attention. And  if u are staying under one roof  then the final call would be allways her as long as she is there. Since I know where my husband happiness lies in, I try to overlook and say  why should i be bad like her.   
 
Inspite of  all the above, what i don't like in PR is the way they are showing the mother-son relationship.  It is more like you did bad to me now you deserve the suffering you are going thru.
I feel bad for  savita  ( credit for the actor, as she makes you feel for her )  and as a mother don't want to go thru all this and would never even wish my MIL go thru this. Here, Manav as son has also suffered, but  why show him taking a tough stand when his mother is in a bad shape. Does it give him any happiness to see his mother in this state, it a big No.   So wanted to know how would anyone react faced with a similar situation.
 
Dear Claire ...........
 
Read your personal experience .
 
I would only say this ..........
 
Parents are not perfect
 
Duty always has to be done
 
Killing your chance at life and doing duty should not be equated ........the balance HAS to be found . Coz THAT is the key and mystery of LIFE ..........finding that balance .
 
It often becomes a tussle . Unpleasant duties do NOT let you live life on YOUR terms and conditions . It is then that people shirk duties altogether and opt only for the latter .
 
Then there are those who do Duties so meticulously that they don't bother to see that their spouse is literally living a living death in the process .
 
Both the extremes are wrong .
 
When the parent is unreasonable .........U have to put your foot down . [ Its not just parent .........its with ANY human being .]  You have to find a way to do your duties by your bilogical parents and see to it that your wife and your children live a life too . If living together causes tension ..........live seperate and do your duties .
 
My critique to the track was this.......Manav did NOT do his duties anymore . He gave no money for expenses and not once did he bother about his dead brother's child ...........he only used him in an argument to win a point with his mother before chucking her out .
 
If the mother in law does nOT want to see the face of the bahu , don't force her . Keep the wife OUT of the picture . No need to take her there ....keep her waiting down , or out of the room to get insulted . Why this stupidity ? MIL has made it clear na that she does not want to see her face ? Respect that wish .Its better for the Wife too to live with self respect at HER house instead of being insulted . But go , meet ur mom , give her expenses . See to it that her FOOD and MEDS r not stopped .See if anything else is needed .U owe it to her , that much .U did not grow ON YOUR OWN . She looked after u . The debt is indeed ETERNAL .
 
But what I found was this thought process was rejected by many . They wanted him to simply cut her out of his life and only fixate on Archana . They rather LIKED the package deal message ..........ACCEPT ARCHANA OR U LOSE ME .
 
WHY ? I ask ......why ? Why force her ? And why put Archana thru the horror of being a FORCED ACCEPTANCe again ? Let her take her time na ? Let her come around at her own space ! Meanwhile u go and mantain ur independent relations na , do ur duties !
 
But INDEPENDENT RELATIONS were frowned down upon by many .The concept horrified them . The PACKAGE DEAL sounded more dashing , more romantic perhaps . Some voiced it to me that I wud be mad if my hubby did that .
 
Why ? She is his mom na ? And where r u ..the wife suffering in this ? Ur staying seperate ! Let him go and handle na ? Be sensible ! Just like U she shud not be forced on u ........U shudnt be forced on her either !  By insisting egoistically that if hubby goes alone to meet mom he is BETRAYING ME as a SPOUSE ....ur being childish , petulant and spoilt ! This is not maturity !
 
What I noticed to my amusement was INDEPENDENT RELATIONS WITH MOM was a horrifying idea to many . They thought the PACKAGE DEAL was better .
 
I didn't . I repeat ........if MIL does NOT like to see bahus face even , best to keep bahu seperate , but the man shud come and go and do his duties faithfully till the end .He owes that to God .
 
In ur case ...........if she accused Ur Father of contracting cancer thru Karma ...........IGNORE her words . She will say far worse things ......IGNORE . Do we have control over her thought process or mouth ? Nope . Let her talk ..........when our conscience is clear and we did our duties , why bother or even dwell on it ?
 
Staying with Girl's parents after marraige in Indian society often invites criticism of breaking the man away from his home .But if mother in law is being AWFULLY unreasonable and its impossible to BOOK A FLAT in costly India like Mumbai or even Goa .........till savings r done , one HAS to find a way , right ?
 
Now during that tenure if people TAUNT u ...........again , IGNORE . Focus on your goal of booking your flat . Meanwhile the guy shud continue visiting his parents and doing his duties .And your husband who seems to be a gem of a man , did it . Not once did he forget them .
 
Today when she is old and REALLY NEEDS HIM ..........he moved in with her and is once more doing his duty . The question he asked you is very true ..........Wud we , as women or daughters , discard OUR MOMS if they were imperfect or temperamental ?
 
90% of the women WUD NOT . A member on my commentary thread said her mom HATED her boyfriend and threw temper tantrums each time he was mentioned .Yet she continues doing her duties by her mom , but hasnt broken off with her bf whom she intends marrying .
 
My own Bhabhi has made her only daughter break off her affair with her bf coz she feels insecure about who will look after her in her old age as she has only this daughter . The BF has his own family responsibilities .he canot become a ghar jamaai . But he was a real good guy and my bro's daughter was very much in love with him . They split .....not due to differences between THEM , but due to my Bhabhi's unreasonable demands . His parents wanted them to get married that year and my Bhabhi till the end refused to give permission for the marraige .Such a nice guy and such an understanding family , fyi they quietly withdrew . Coz the daughter told her bf whatever she is , she is my mom and I cannot just leave her like that . Today my bhabhi is urging her to migrate to Canada and earn dollars so she can shift there in her old age and avvail of the social security and medical benefits . What my Bhabhi is doing is being SELFISH . She is thinking of HERSELF ..........she doesnt care that after she dies , her daughter will be left ALONE .
 
I advised her to MARRY ASAP if the guy was still willing . To come and go and take care of mom , and to provide her monthly for expenses .To sometimes bring her to stay with them for long periods ...like a month or two etc . But not HAMESHA . Everything can work out if balance is struck . But I told my bro's daughter that even u have ONE LIFE ..........doing duty doesnt mean killing YOUR chance at life .
 
The guilt trips have to be ignored AS FIRMLY as the TAUNTS of Karma .
 
But duty has to be done FIRMLY too .
 
Manav failed there .He put all efforts only in earning sasural's goodwill .
 
Today if Archna tells him to go back to mom ..........She FAILS . She did it once for Shravni ........She pLAYED with sacred institution called Marraige .Now if she does it AGAIN , its unforgivable .
 
There was a time Savita was happy with just Manavs visits . She really was NOT demanding more . She did not wanna see Archnas face , bas . But Manav started forcing it on her .Today things festered to such a point that she is now forcing HIM to do exactly ULTA .
 
As far as u go .........stick it out as much as u can . If HER final call proves too much for u  to handle ..........like Tanya said ........shift in a nearby house .........on rent or ownership as u prefer and let ur hubby do duties regularly .But U can have ur peace of mind . When ur conscience is clear ..........NO GUILT TRIP can upset it . That strength only comes from a clear conscience .
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Edited by koolsadhu1000 - 17 March 2011 at 8:56am

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Posted: 17 March 2011 at 9:48pm | IP Logged
@ Claire
Hello dear. Sorry 4 my late reply, was a lilbit busy. I hope u will read this postEmbarrassed
Dear i can understand wat u went through n i must say hats off 2 ur hubby n u too.
I keep seeing such cases n believe me mine is one of the worst n despite that i'm still wat i used 2 b 10 years ago when i got married.Embarrassed I think Tany Di n some of friends here defo know wat i'm talking abt. Thanks 4 sharing ur experiences. I'll defo pm u 2 share mine with u if u dont mind n wish of course.Smile
Wat i wud just like 2 say, coming 2 PR is, wat bothers me is the non objective analysis of the Savita- Manav track, the glorification of the character Savita n the justifications of her tantrums n rudeness/torture as the results of Archana baggage which is so unfair coz when a girl comes as a bride in ur house she comes with dreams n looking 4 a mother. U torture her n do u expect 2 go unscratched n unpunished by God? Savita is now sick becoz of her excessive hate n spite.  Anyway this issue is just getting out of proportion so i better give it a quit but of course a son shud take care of his parents n if the mom cant stay with the wife, u do ur duty n leave the rest 2 God n time. Mother n wife is no competition n have alag alag place in a man's life which Savita is not understanding.
@ Varsha
Read ur post too n i'm not surprised by ur attitudes dear. U r a mother n a MIL n any sensible person will behave as u wud if such situations r presented 2 her.Clap
My mom too let go when my bro got married 2 a "gori". She didn't approve despite the girl was a sweet girl n her family nice. She threw tantrums n sulked n emotionally blackmailed us 4 supporting my bro but at the end agreed after my dad told her 2 live n let live. 2day the same girl is her fav bahuLOL Time is the biggest healer i suppose.
Now as 4 Savita, she never listens 2 anybody, ok her hubby is a drunkard but wat abt her daughter who came 2 reason her with so much respect?
U c there is always a solution 2 every problem provided that each person related 2 the problem is ready 2 find the solution 2 it. In Savita's case she just wud not listen n wud do watever she thinks is right. It is high time that her family ignore her stupidities n take things in their hands without her consent coz she cant think straight
My POV of course. Feel feel free 2 agree n disagree. No problemSmile

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Claire0206 Senior Member
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Posted: 18 March 2011 at 12:29am | IP Logged
Tanya Di, Kool Di, OSJ and everyone , thank you for  your words of support.  
 
When ur conscience is clear ..........NO GUILT TRIP can upset it . That strength only comes from a clear conscience . 
 
Thanks for your advice. 
 

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Posted: 18 March 2011 at 2:28am | IP Logged
Claire wasnt knewing u were married as u alwayz addressed kooldi ,tanu di as di . I thout u were of my age. Thanks tat u shared ur personal experience. I can't say much in ur matter as i am young& inexperienced abt this issue. Bt A huge Hug from me for handling such situation so maturelyClap n yes jeeju is really lucky to have u as his wife Smile


Edited by ShradsBLfan - 18 March 2011 at 2:29am

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