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"And so, to the batch of 2010-2011....Cheers!" The loud screams echoed throughout the huge auditorium, and black caps were thrown right up in the air ' free, finally free!
As I felt people hug me, I cheered, screaming, hugging them back, the joy was infectious...I waved at my parents who were seated in the booth with Armaan's parents. The pride was clearly reflected in my parents' eyes and I felt my heart swell ' I had fulfilled that dream, of seeing my parents cry with happiness, and I was the reason!
But there was another dream I had fulfilled. I was finally a journalist, my degree in hand, that one dream I had seen, of this very day, of having that rolled paper in my hand, and throwing the caps in air. I was living my dream. And all that hardwork, all that torture of 3 years of gruelling studies, finally seemed worth it...It was worth my parents' smile! But there was someone else, whose smile I wanted to see...
I looked around, for that one face, who I wanted to share the happiest moment of my life with...And I found him. He was there, hugging Sid, hi-fiving the rest of the gang, and finally hugging Andrea. I smiled. He looked so happy; his dimples looked nothing short of adorable. I looked at his parents, and I finally understood his point ' they looked as if they had found the world's gold...I looked back at him and saw his gaze stuck on mine. I saw him walk towards me, his pace quickening and he pulled me, straight into his arms. Smiling hesitantly, I hugged him back anyway.
"We did it! I'm done! Done with studying! Yes!" I whispered, excitedly in his ears.
"That's why you're happy! Dude I still have 2 more years!" He chortled.
Content, I sighed. Yeah, this was the best moment of my life. If only...
Blinking back tears of both joy and sadness, I pulled back. "Don't!" He warned me and wiped my eyes, placing a soft kiss on my head.
I saw him get pulled by another set of our friends and I laughed as he got pulled into a few kisses from his female fan following ' nah, I wasn't at all bothered by that. For one, I had witnessed scenes like these since ages, and second, it was the female gang's last chance to lay their claws on him! Sighing, I looked at Andrea, who was finally able to catch hold of Armaan. Surprisingly, she didn't look at all flustered with the female attention he was getting...I saw her give him a tight hug, and I knew what would come after. But it didn't come...Maybe they were tired of snogging each other!
Looking around me, I felt that anticipation ' which had gripped my mind and heart precisely 3 years ago when I had come to Cali ' grip me once again...It was the end of another chapter in my life...Beginning of a new one...But I wasn't exactly happy about this change, and I no longer saw it as an adventure...It was just a scary venture, one I would probably have to go through without that one person...
Not today Riddhima, I thought to myself...It's your perfect day! Don't let it get ruined! Remember your promise...The promise I had made to myself before I came back here...
But these 2 weeks had been a tough competition against my resolve. I had felt it break on the journey back itself, when I had seen Armaan's head lying on Andrea's shoulder while on the flight. And then, when I reached home, the bitterness, towards Armaan for not waiting, and towards myself for waiting too long, would eat me up from inside. And so the past 2 weeks had just flown...
Nevertheless, it had felt good to be back...It had seemed just like yesterday that I had been there in my room packing my belongings, and I hadn't felt at all weird or awkward about coming back...In fact, it had seemed like I was returning home after a long trip...It felt like home...
But there were certain things that had changed....Andrea's constant presence in the house, made me lose my mind, and I was on the edge of breaking the promise I had made to myself, and once, I had been so frustrated with all the teasing and engagement talk in the house, I had actually come close to breaking down and telling him the truth, but had chickened out.
Thus, I had begun to keep distance from him, and seeing that would happen sooner or later anyway, it seemed like a good option to prepare myself. I knew I was probably hurting him in return, I could see the hurt in his eyes when I would refuse point blank in small things like accompanying him to buy groceries, play basketball in the backyard, go with him to the movies or to get a burger, things we used to do together in the past...But it was necessary. I couldn't lose control. And seeing how my feelings were getting so difficult to keep in check that was one heck of a task...
"Munchkin c'mon, we're going to Adam's to celebrate!" I felt him hold my hand and lead me. Party? A party, where I would have to witness couples enjoying in each others' arms while breathing that air of freedom...Not to mention one particular couple which would hurt me to no extent. No!
"Armaan, no....Um..." I shook his hand off, a little too harshly, and he turned to face me, a little shocked, and hurt.
"What? Why not?" He asked me baffled.
"I just um'don't feel like it...Wanna be with Mum and Dad...Big day!" I gave him a nervous smile, and by the look on his face, I knew that he knew I was lying...
"What? Ridz you're not coming? Why not?" Nikki frowned, while being held by Abhi, who looked especially blissful at his wife's success.
"Yeah Ridz c'mon! I mean I don't even know anyone there except you guys! Gimme company!" Abhi wnked at me while Nikki rolled her eyes.
"No guys, seriously don't feel like partying tonight! I mean I'm so happy today, and it's seriously the biggest day of my life...I just wanna spend it with my parents today!" I smiled, avoiding Armaan's intent gaze.
"It's okay Niks! She can be a bore and a spoiltsport...Let's go, I'm driving Andrea and you guys there..." I looked at Armaan shocked, and he just gave me a cold, angry glare in return. Well, I had brought it on myself. Did he know I was blowing him off then?
Before Nikki could retort, Armaan tugged at her arm and pulled her with him, while a disgruntled Abhi who didn't like his wife being manhandled that way followed them.
Scowling, I made my way to my parents, trying to momentarily drown in their happiness...
I felt my phone vibrate in my hand, and looked at it to find a text from Armaan.
"Find better ways of blowing me off...At least be honest to me if my presence irks you so much! Enjoy with your parents!"
I chewed on my lower lip and frowned. So he did know after all....
I sighed, staring into space, barely listening to a word of what the parent party was saying. Maybe the party would have been a better option after all! I cursed Rhea for deciding to spend the weekend at Uni!
"Na beta?" I looked at my Mum who was looking at me expectantly. What were they talking about?
"Uh, yeah...." I mumbled and gave them a nervous smile.
"See....We should just throw a surprise bash for Armaan and Andrea. That would be a good engagement present as well!" I looked at my Mum startled. I kicked myself mentally for not paying attention. Great!
"Well, Riddhima knows Armaan best, if she agrees, then maybe it's a good idea!" Aunty smiled at me and I smiled back, forcefully pulling my muscles up.
No! No! I don't agree! It's not a good idea at all! He's mine! I wanted to yell, but I couldn't! They would just call me crazy, and my concerned parents would probably think I was just feeling rotten that I was single and nowhere near an engagement, as a result of which the entire 'Ladka-Khojo-Abhiyan' as I used to call it would begin again!
"Great then, next weekend would be excellent!" Uncle beamed and patted my back as if it was my engagement. What the hell?
"But, um..." I cleared my throat, thinking hard to come up with an excuse. "I think, you know, we should probably wait..." I said nervously. 4 pairs of eyes stared down at me. "I mean, you know, Armaan probably would want to have a say in this!" I said quickly, and they nodded slowly.
"But you just said it was a good idea!" My Mum said disappointed and I felt like adopting new parents for myself!
"Um, yes, according to me, it is....But I wasn't really thinking from Armaan's perspective you know! I could talk to him..." Talk him out of it more like, I thought to myself, while the others nodded.
"But if you talk to him about it, it won't be a surprise...!"
"Uh, no, I'll just, um, ask generally, I won't give away the secret!" I chortled, and I wondered how in the world I wasn't sounding fake!
"Okay, talk to him today itself, so we can talk to Andrea's parents tomorrow!" Uncle beamed and patted my head this time, and I nodded.
Excusing myself, I ran up to my room, slamming the door.
I had never, I repeat, never, felt so frustrated in my life! I wanted to pull someone's hair out! Why? Why couldn't I fall in love with anyone else?
Out of the entire population, half of which was of the opposite sex, I couldn't fall in love with anyone else? I had to fall in love with a stupid stupid jerk, who was so unbelievably perfect, in every single way! Why?
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it!
And now, I had to talk to him about his stupid so-called engagement. Great! Way to go! Awesome!
Siitng back against the bed post, still in my graduation formals, I closed my eyes, trying hard not to let those tears of frustration seep out. But then, not crying made the pain in my heart worse. But no, I wasn't gonna cry, I had made up my mind.
Grabbing a paper, I made two columns, Pros and Cons Of Telling Armaan The Trurth.
1. There could be a chance that he loves me too and we live happily ever after (*Sigh*).
2. I get to spend my entire life with him (My dream come true, eeps!).
3. I can get rid of Andrea (although that's secondary!).
1. It could be that Armaan is actually in love with the blonde and I would have my heartbroken yet again.
2. Possibility of losing Armaan as my best friend as well!
3. I could put him in a fix, make things harder for him, spoil his happy mood. Is it worth that?
4. I would hurt Andrea (Who cares?).
5. Parents ' a lot of explanation would be on the cards.
Biting the edge of pen, I thought hard, trying to list down 3 more pros to make my heart win. But, I couldn't come up with anything. So much for stupid Pros and Cons. Who invented this crap anyway! It's useless!
Crumpling the paper into a ball, I tossed it across the opposite wall, into an imaginary basket.
Sighing, I looked at the time. It had been 4 hours since graduation got over. It was past 9 now, and I hadn't even bothered having my dinner.
"Riddhima! Come down!" I heard my Mum calling me, and annoyed, I got off my bed, making my way down.
My face broke into a smile as I saw Sid standing at the door.
"Hey!" I gave him a friendly hug. "What're you doing here? Weren't you at Adam's?" I asked letting him in. I pointed to the conservatory so that we could talk in peace, although I did get suspicious glances from my Mum and Dad. Of course they had absolutely no idea about me dating, and I had begged Uncle-Aunty to keep it under wraps, to which they had reluctantly obliged. The folks were best friends after all.
"So what's up!" I asked cheerfully.
"Uh, nothing, I was just bored at Adam's....Wasn't in the mood to drink tonight. It was quiet beside the point that Nikki yelled at me in front of the entire crowd." Sid gave me a grim smile while I laughed.
"You have no idea! She came here 3 days ago, and she's just been waiting to get her hands on you!" I chortled while he rolled his eyes. "But why didn't you make it to the wedding anyway? Armaan told me you would be there before the wedding!" I asked him a long pending question. It had been 2 weeks since I had arrived, but I hadn't bothered checking on any of my Uni friends, Sid included.
"Oh, yeah, I was supposed to, but I cancelled last minute! My sister delivered twins that day, so I had to change course and head to New York instead!"
"Oh! Tammy got twins! I'm so glad! What kind?" I said excitedly.
"Uh, both girls! Haven't named them yet! It's all gonna be the Indian way! The entire naming ceremony!" He grinned at me and I grinned back, genuinely happy.
"Did you tell Nikki? I bet she would've understood!"
"She didn't really gimme a chance! And I was absorbed in my family, it completely slipped my mind to call and inform!" He shrugged while I nodded. "So enough about me! How was the wedding anyway? Heard it was grand!"
"Yeah it was! So much fun!" I said, trying to remember only the main wedding, not the whole parts, because I knew there were a few parts of those whole parts which could make every part in my body ache!
"You don't sound like you had fun!" He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. I shook my head dismissing the idea but he still looked unconvinced. "Has nothing to do with the whole Armaan-Andrea engagement thing right?" He placed his hand on mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"Uh..." I gave a nervous laugh and he smiled.
"So, Ms. Riddhima Gupta's finally come clean huh?" He smirked and I almost smiled.
"Yeah...I did...A little too late though!" I gave a half-hearted smile.
"You okay?" He asked softly and I nodded. "Don't be too hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault." He patted my hand.
"You know I don't even know if it is about faults. Just that, I had people screaming in my ears about this since 3 years! 3 years! Things would've been so different if I would have just listened for once!"
"You can't change it now!" He said bluntly, making no efforts to sound sympathteitc. But he had never been that way.
"It's just, when I came here, I admit I had a crush on him, but then he started dating that bit-sorry, blonde, and then I thought fine, he's probably not interested, so I gave up, hid my feelings. And then you came along, and I thought, okay, maybe Armaan and I weren't meant to be at all, it was as if my doubts were proven right, and I gave in yet again. But most of all, I was just fearing that maybe if things ever went wrong, I would lose Armaan as my best friend as well....Turns out I'm gonna lose him anyway!" I tried laughing about it, but Sid's expressions told me I could confide in him...And so I did.
We spent an entire hour talking about it...And I hadn't felt so much at peace ever since I got to know about Armaan and Andrea's engagement.
"So anyway, I've just decided that I'm gonna go with the flow, do what seems right at that moment, and just not be too hard on myself. Because there's obviously no point, crying, bawling, blaming...I'm hurting, that's all I can handle right now!" I said wistfully.
"You're one strong person you know that?" Sid pulled me into a side hug and I smiled.
"I know...I'm just afraid I might just let my feelings lose someday...That's why i've been trying so hard to keep distance, stay away from him, probably try and kill those feelings. And now he's angry at me! I seriously know how to multiply my problems!" I shrugged and Sid laughed.
"I'm sure you'll put things right in the end." He got up, pulling me with him and gave me a friendly peck on my cheek.
"Hopefully! Thanks for coming over tonight! I'm glad you did! Really needed a friend!" I smiled at him, grateful for his presence in my life at that particular movement and he squeezed my hand reassuringly.
With a final wave, I saw his car disappear round the curb. I dragged myself unethusiatically to the living room where the folks were enjoying the India v/s Aussie match. Normally cricket would've been my complete centre of attention, but not even the match could raise my dampened-yet-again-spirits.
"Beta, Sid achcha ladka hai na? Kitna achcha dikhta bhi hai." My Mum said, trying to act all nonchalant, but I knew exactly what was going on in her mind.
"He's a friend. And just so you know, I already tried being in a relationship with him. Didn't work! And is never going to!" I said with finality in my voice and my Mum got the cue.
Diverting my mind to the match, I almost got ready to kill someone when we lost another wicket. I impatiently got off the couch and strolled into the backyard, grabbing the ball and tossing baskets.
It was way past 12 now, and Armaan was still not home. I still had to talk to him about his stupid engagement, but it wouldn't be possible if he decided to party.
Plopping myself on the ground, now dressed in my normal Tom and Jerry PJs, I speed dialled Nikki's no.
"Riddhimaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I heard her screech into the phone. I cursed my luck. Did she have to be drunk right now?
"Hello!" I jumped. It was Abhi, and he sounded sober. I immediately took the curses back.
"Hey Abhi! Is that you?" i tried listening over thet loud noise in the background.
"Yeah, sorry, she's just completey drunk! Taking her home now! What's up?"
"Uh, nothing! Is Armaan around, Aunty asked me to check on him and ask him what time he'll be getting home..." I made up an excuse. I doubt Aunty even cared. Obviously it would've been different if it was Rhea, but they didn't get worried when Armaan stayed out late.
"Hasn't he reached home yet?" I heard the confusion in his voice.
"What do you mean?! Would I be asking you if he would've been home?" I asked sarcastically.
"Uh, sorry Riddhima, but he left almost 2 hours ago...With Andrea...." He completed his statement and I almost dropped the phone.
It was late night, he was god knows where, and with his fianc, probably both in their drunken stupor. And that only made things worse. It could mean only one thing. They were spending the night together.
Not bothering to answer Abhi's worried 'hellos', I sat there, limp, too shocked for words.
I had never had that kind of conversation with Armaan before, but I knew he had never crossed his limits with her. I was sure he hadn't. But then, how could I be so sure? He had always had millions of opportunities.
No, he would never do that. But then what about tonight? It's true he left the party 2 hours ago, with Andrea, both were probably drunk, and both exceptionally happy as well. Everyone knows what follows on occasions like these....
I felt tears pricking my eyes, and I made no attempt to wipe them off.
So this was actually happening. He really did belong to someone else now...Forever...And this hurt, real, real bad. The sting of the wound had never burnt so badly before. So this was it....I never stood a chance now...There's no way I can undo anything...
Letting tears fall, I lay down, as I heard loud cheers coming from inside as a probable aftermath of the last ball...I guessed India had won...
I quickly wiped my tears, and raced up, locking the door to my room and fell onto the bed, crying bitterly, letting it all out...I had no strength left in me to fight this, I knew it...I cried, sobbing into my pillow to prevent the yelps from crossing the door of my room. I felt my heart shattering, breaking, into smaller pieces if possible...
I took out our picture from my bag which was was on the side-table, and along with it removed that bracelet he had given me. It was all a sign of his love...Crying even more bitterly than before, I hugged his picture tight, clasping the bracelet tight in my hand, so tight that I could feel it's edges crushing into my skin...But I didn't care...Any pain was better than this...
I sobbed, wishing he was here, to wipe my tears away, tell me all this was a bad joke...But I had lost him...Forever....
I didn't know for how long I had been crying...I had lost track of time...
My parents had come to see me once, and I had pretended to be asleep, while trying hard to stifle my sobs and that non-stop shaking due to my cries. Thankfully, they hadn't noticed and had just given me a peck on my forehead along with a low murmur of 'goodnight'.
Once they were gone, and I heard the click of their room door, I got up and sat up staring blankly into the darkness...The darkness was wallowing me into it's silence, and before I knew it, tears of loneliness, frustration and loss embraced me yet again...
Not being able to take it any longer, I moved down, as quietly as possible, to divert my mind off him.
I was randomly flipping through channels on the TV, when I heard a car pull up in the drive way. So he was finally home. Finally taking a look at the clock, it told me it was half past 3...I quickly switched off the TV, and prepared myself to run up, not having any strength left to face him.
"Munchkin?" I stopped halfway in my tracks while racing up the stairs. Darn!
I didn't bother turning, nor replying back...So what I had realized my love him, a little too late...I didn't deserve to be punished this way! Or did I?
"Riddhima?" I heard his confused voice, probably confused as to why I was just standing in the middle of the stairway, with my back to him. Knowing him, he was probably freaked out about paranormal activity in his house. That thought reminded me of how we had watched scary movies innumerable times on the couch together, and how I would scare him everytime! The corner of my mouth twitched.
But then again, I felt a familiar pang in my heart. We would never share those moments again. A lone tear fell down, and bitterness crept in yet again.
"Where were you?" I asked in a monotone, keeping my voice as expressionless as possible.
"Uh...I was...Um..." He mumbled and I turned, wearing a sarcastic smirk on my face.
"Enjoyed a pleasurable night with your fianc?" I asked with utmost bitterness in my voice.
"I'Wait what?" He looked at me perplexed. Shaking my head, I turned to run up to my room and probably die there. "Riddhima, wait!" I felt his hand tug at my wrist, and I harshly pulled it off his grip. "What the-Riddhima, what the effing hell is wrong with you?" He asked me angrily, but I paid no attention. I began to move up yet again, but this time, he didn't just grab my hand, but he pulled me, making me lose my balance, and I saw him pull me out through the backyard, and into the outhouse.
"WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" He asked me as soon as he had closed the door.
"I have no interests in your stupid questions!" I made my way to door but he pulled me back.
"But I have interests in your stupid talk! So TALK! What did you mean by pleasurable night? You actually thought'" I cut into his loud voice.
"Does it make a difference?" I asked softly.
He looked at me for a few seconds and then wore a cold, expressionless mask over his face.
"You're right...It doesn't...Your opinions make no effing difference in my life...And it's good. Because I'm having a helluva life without them! I'm happy in my own life, and seriously Riddhima, you can ignore me all you want like you've done ever since you came back, I doubt my presence even makes a difference in your life!" He said in a calm voice, but I knew the implications behind them...It was just a calm before a storm.
As tears made their way out of my eyes, I saw him turn and open the door to the outhouse.
"You can't be with her!" I yelled, not caring I would probably wake the entire neigborhood. He needed to know, and as far as he heard, I didn't care about the rest!
I saw him stop, his hand still on the knob of the door.
"What?" He asked me in a tired monotone.
"You can't be with her!" I yelled back, my pitch still high.
"Riddhima your unreasonable hatred towards Andrea isn't gonna compel me to not be with her!" He turned to leave yet again.
"You can't be with ANYONE ELSE!" I yelled and gasped. And this time, I knew he was shocked as well. "You can't be with her. You can't be with anyone else!" He turned and wore a confused expression. Not caring, I ran up to him and hugged him tight.
I knew he had stiffened, probably taken aback by my outburst.
"You can't be with anyone else!" I clung onto him, afraid to let him go.
"Because that means nothing can happen with us!" I looked up at him, straight into his eyes. "Because that means, there can't be an us, that I don't ever stand a chance to be with you, that I don't get to spend my life with you, that you don't get to love me, and I'" I stopped, momentarily afraid. But this was it. "...and that I can't love you..." I said softly, gazing into those blue oceans, but the hysteria was returning...
"You can't be with someone else Armaan! You just can't! Because it's only you for me! It's been you all along! Always! You can't be with someone else'" I grabbed his collar, shaking him and yelling.
"Riddhima'" I was surprised at how calm and composed his voice was.
"You can't'" I kept shaking him, my eyes shut, but clung onto him nevertheless.
"You can't be with someone else!" I looked up at him once again, and said in a soft but determined voice, my hands still gripping his shirt.
"And why not?" He asked me, his voice devoid of any emotion, any expression.
"Because I love you!" I said in a single breath. "I love you!"
There! The BIG KABOOM PART you guys were waiting for! Of course you guys are waiting for the other big kaboom part which is gonna follow! For now, enjoy this!
Goodnight! x x
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