Posted: 03 March 2011 at 4:07am | IP Logged
Sun Burnt Sky.
The air around them now thick & unbreathable with the effect of the controlled tension coiling itself within Maan makes Geet's heart stop its beat.
She turns & life evades her being as she meets the gaze of an eclipsed morning sun.
Dark & silent as death and alive as the scorching flame that has been burning the sinners in the pits of hell from eternity.
She knows she has lost her moment of truth when the only movement she sees in his dead still frame is when from his hard grip the picture drops on the ground.
She knows she lost her chance.
Pulled by the tug of pain screeching in his heart she closes the distance with fear of having broken his trust, angry at her own fate & hurt by the wound that her silence has itched in his mind.
Her eyes washed with tears of his grief look upto him to let him read her soul & sooth himself .
But she finds his eyes blank & heavy.
Refusing to let her read his eyes he walks away leaving her frozen in the moment with loneliness filled with questions.
Questions that till now where his alone to suffer.
Her tears trace their way down her face trying to follow his retreating form & plead to him to hear them.
Not him but Dadi Maa comes to wipe them away.
'He knows the truth but not from me.'
- she cries on seeing her fears come true.
She knew it would happen, she knew more than the truth itself its her keeping it hidden from him that will shatter him completely.
She knew & now when she was all prepared to face his wrath yet give him the truth her ill fated luck tricked again & she lost her moment.
But she did not want to lose him in the darkness she knew he will enclose himself into wounded by her.
She knew she had to stop him, talk to him, hear him, before he did something to himself.
She had promised to him, to herself that she wont let anyone or anything come in between them.
She refuses Dadi Maa's help & goes to her Maan herself ready for any punishment he feels she deserves.
To her despair she finds Maan in a heart wrenching act of self destruction where he pushes his still healing body & now battered heart & soul to the highest most peak of pain.
Evoking pain that could make his senses numb & stop those memories from haunting.
Questions about trust, not trust broken but trust put to test & the truth.
He trusts his Geet but not Dev.
Then why is it that Geet dint trust him with the truth.
*[since the truth was kept from him]*
Truth that binds her to Dev - but not him.
*[By this i mean a truth connected to Geet of which Dev holds knowledge but not him]*
'Lost in the vast abysses of space and time' he sees his only beacon of light & hope Geet fading away from him.
With the broiling flame that consumes the rod while he silently prays to lose his sanity.
He burns his soul upon the altar willing his memory, his pain to retire.
Punishing himself unable to question her of her actions.
Punishing himself unable to figure out why he lost her trust.
Punishing himself unable to punish her.
As silver is melted in the fire she too burns in the fire of his wrath; its not him alone now - never was, they have always been one soul.
- punished by his self torment she calls out his name hoping to reach him before he shuts himself from her.
Her cry pierces the dept to his now frozen heart & he stops as does the flowing time waiting for her to continue.
His face blank of any expression, his controlled rage more terrifying than could be his outburst she sees him refuse to meet her eyes shielding her from himself.
His anger that now is just as a volcano that masses up in a long time & the day it erupts its burning lava gulfs up everything in its orbit & burns it to cinder
- she holds on to him to cool him down with her raining eyes & soothing touch preparing him for the shattering moment of truth.
'There is more to that picture than you know.'
- she knew he did not learn the whole truth yet otherwise it could have been too late for her to reach him to bring him back.
Holding on to him in a dead grip as her life depended on it she continues with the truth.
With the dawning of the truth Maan felt fury course through his veins,
'Why dint you tell me the truth before?'
- he asked in low & deathly calm voice that made her shiver.
Captured in the vortex of his intense dark eyes that set off an earthquake within her she offers him the whole story.
Her reasons not excuse for having kept him in the dark, her fear for his anger - for his hatred - for him.
Her fear of losing him.
The controlled volcano erupts in him hearing her say that she feared Him, her fear for his anger that kept her from reaching him the truth.
His Geet feared him!
'Why did you do something that made you fear Me?'
'To save you'
- crying of the miseries she was made to face when he was not with her, her tears now pleading to him to understand her plight at made her beg to Dev.
'You should have let me die than take help from Dev. Why did you beg to him? Death to me could be more welcome than life i received by Dev's mercy'
- he roared in fury breaking away from her hold & looking away from her grief stricken face again shielding her from himself.
Her nightmare comes true.
She knew it the moment Dadi had mentioned Dev's name to her in Shimla she knew it could be Unacceptable for Maan.
She knew he could die happily than seek Dev's help.
She knew this truth could make him hate himself more & more.
She knew all this but what she dint know till now is that hearing him voice her fears could make her heart to stop.
Angered by his selfish wish wanting death but not thinking for once what her life would be if he were gone makes her lose herself.
Her emotions that till now stored up within her fragile frame wanting to break free vents on him.
'It was so easy for you to say that death was better but did you for a moment think what could happen to me & our Baby! Blinded by your selfish & obsessive anger you failed to see my love for you, you failed to feel my pain!'
Having heard her he looks back at her in shock, in disbelieve; that is this is what she could make of his anger, his wanting death.
He searches her eyes in silence.
Words have never come easily to him to make her see what in her fear, agony & anger she failed to comprehend
- reason for his anger, reason for his hating Dev so much, reason wanting to die instead, reason that is Her.
'For thee I weep'.
His hatred for Dev, his anger towards him springs from the overwhelming love & respect he has for her & love for the unborn child in her womb.
He hates Dev not for his principles alone.
Dev dint cheat him!
Dev dint sin against him!
But against Geet.
It's for what he made her go through before she walked into his life is what drives his 'obsessive anger' for his own brother.
He is angry towards Dev for the misery he brought upon her & the Baby that had made life a living hell for Geet.
He could welcome death more happily than the life that Dev gave him coz that makes his Geet indebted towards the man who is her sinner.
His silence a way of communication trying to make her see that his 'selfishness' is for her sake alone.
He does not voice any of this as words could never do justice to convey to her as his feelings for her are to great for words.
Helplessly he looks in her eyes not guilty for his anger.
He searches her eyes desperately for her to understand his silence.
Blinded by her own grief.
Unable to stand his deafening fury & now his cold silence she shakes him to make him see things from her perspective.
What she went through when he was declared near to dead.
What she went through when no help reached her.
What went through her when she begged to Dev.
What all she has been suffering ever since just to see him alive.
'Your anger is the only thing that matters to you not Us. How can i be wrong when all i did was only for you, to see you alive! You are angry coz i seeked help from Dev but did you think for once that how difficult it was for me to go to him!'
- she cried.
As his wanting death had made her heart stop, now her pain makes blood freeze in his veins.
The despair that he suffered a while ago seeing her not reflect the reason for his anger, his hatred & call him 'selfish' evades his mind.
He refuses himself the need to make her see his pain as her pain takes over his senses.
He does not blame her for not understanding his silence but himself he blames for failing to make her see.
Blames himself that she felt the need to voice to him her pain, blames himself for she felt he did not understand her.
'You are not the Maan I knew. You have changed!'
- Her parting statement to him before she runs away unable to stand his silence anymore.
Filled with her tears his eyes bleed, he closes his mind to everything else but the pain that made her cry.
Remorse takes over him as he blames himself for having voiced his anger for Dev more profoundly & not his love for Geet, that has caused her pain.
But voicing his feelings has never been easy to him, especially when it came to Geet.
He has always let his actions in form of care & small gestures do the talking for him.
He knows his inability to voice his concern & reasons has inflicted deep wound in her heart.
He wants to apologize but to him 'a sorry' alone has never been enough.
Having lost himself to her love, her grief & pain that fuel all his emotions be his anger or hurt.
He stood there as lonely & helpless as the still sky that been scorched by the intensity of his own love, its Sun.
(Thank you Nupur for the text for the picture)
(again a long ..somewhat lost one from me -
i've plainly expressed here the episode as i felt it ...
my feelings from both Maan & Geet's perspective respectively according to the given situation & moment )
Maan thinking that Geet lost trust in him i meant he felt she did not believe
he can handle it so she kept it from him...& thats true too isn't it
!!!..she knew he will be angry...she knew he will be more angry coz it was
- cleared my pov. ..
Edited by nanditasingh - 04 March 2011 at 10:53pm