Joined: 12 February 2010
Today, I saw a man, holding his new born daughter in his arm, in the gynaec ward. The happiness was clearly visible. No doubt, father-daughter relationship is always special. A true special bond. I remembered my father.
I am not that lucky, to have him in my life. He left me four years back , never to return back. I wish some miracle occurs, and he will be back. I wish he will open the door to welcome me, as he always did. But I know, that will never happen. I am not that lucky. My mother once told me, that he was the most happiest person, when I was born. He always wanted a daughter. His happiness didn't had any bounds., when I was born. He had thought of name for me, long before, I was born. He cancelled all his important meetings, and stayed with my mother and me, in the hospital. He missed his important tour, so that he could be with me and maa.
He was a caring husband and the best father. He never allowed, any one to hold me again and again, he was scared for me, because according to him, I was sensitive. Whenever, my grandmother wanted to apply the kajal in my eyes, he never allowed her to do so, in fear, that she might hurt me. He was so protective. I used to always question him, regarding that and my grandmother still tells me that, whenever I asked him, he used to say, "Your eyes didn't require that black things, they are already very beautiful my child" He never called me with my name, he had his own pet name, which no one ever used, not even my maa, and I don't want to hear it in any one's voice. I still can hear that affectionate tone.
As I grew up, his care and concern increased. Whenever, I used to get cold, he used to run to the doctor. But he never pampered me. Never ever. He was disciplined, not so strict though. I was attached to my father more than my mother. He used to scold me, whenever I was wrong. Not always like my mother. I used to always complain regarding maa, and then he used to tell her to stop shouting at me. I still remember my mom's glare at me , and I used to just smile. I always complained about my mother to my father, but I never complained about my father to my mother. There were times, when he didn't support me, like joining dance classes, but then he always agreed for me. He wanted me to learn martial arts. Today, I laugh at it, the way I started it, But still I wish I had completed the course. He used to always drop me at school , and then I used to go home, walking with my friends or my aunt. I used to get tired. So then he arranged transport for me for me. I didn't wanted to, because after that, he never dropped me school, the bus did that. He never allowed me to eat the chips and cold drinks, because they were unhealthy. I always obeyed him, but used to get mad later. Then he used to explain me, what's good and what's bad. He always wanted me to top the class, in all the exams, and I did that. He used to feel proud.
I remember our bike ride. I used to sit behind, tightly holding my father. And he used to show me the mountains, river, the trees, the birds. I used to question him, on various things and he always had an answer to all the things. He was really smart and intelligent. I wondered from where he got all that intelligence, I can say that I am intelligent because of my baba.
But he used to never keep things on place and then maa used to get mad,. I also most of the time, don't keep things on place. Maa says, I have all fathers gene. I feel proud. He once took me to beach, and then explained about sun, moon, tides, earth, planets and all. That's my favourite beech. I don't get much time to go on beeches now, but whenever I get, I go to the same one, and sit at the same place. Whenever, we used to go to market, he always held my hand tightly, in fish market, he used to explain me about fishes, about vegetables. I miss it. Now whenever I go in market, it remind me of those wonderful memories, Whenever we went for any function, at the time of clicking pictures, I used to stand with my father, and never with my mother. And never allowed my sister to stand at my place. He was never partial. But I knew, he liked me more than my younger sister. He had lots of expectations from me.
Once I remember, I was late home, because of some extra class, and he came to school. He was so worried, I saw the concern in his eyes. The worried looks.He shouted at me for not informing. I didn't mind that. I actually loved it, and still love it when my maa scolds me for anything.
But when I was 15, he left me. He passed away, and the worst part is that I was not there with him during his last minutes, it was so sudden. Just few months prior to it, he had asked me, was I interested in Medicine? I said No, I will do anything except Medicine. He was hurt but still he smiled and had told me, "You have full independence to chose whatever you want" and patted my back. I felt guilty. After he passed away, I made a firm decision of joining Medicine and to become a successful and good Doctor. I never wanted to be one. Initially I didn't find any interest but later, I realized that, this was what I wanted to be. I found satisfaction in it. I found that I was actually interested in Medicine, though late. But its never too late. When I got admission, I so wanted to tell him that I finally got it. But I was not that lucky. I was happy when I saw the happiness in my mother's eyes. I never told her that I miss my father because it will hurt her more.
There are so many things, unsaid. I wanted to ask him so many questions, I can never ask those to anyone else in my life. I can never tell him, "See, I will be a doctor in few years" It feels so bad, when I see my friends with their parents. Whenever I used to learn new things in school, I used to come home running and tell my baba that I learnt this and that. Today, everyday I learn so many new things, I saw so many cases, but I cant tell him.
I wish he was there. II wish I could see him always. I wish he was there to scold me. I wish he was there to advice me. I wish he was there to make me understand the things. I so wish to see the care, concern and Love in his eyes for me. I so wish to see his worried looks. I so wish to see reading the newspaper while having tea. I so wish to go on a ride with him. I wish, I could feel the warmth of his hands on my head. I wish he was there , to support me, to see me, and feel proud'.
Though my father is not physically present with me, but I know wherever he is, he is keeping an eye on me
I wish a miracle happens and he is back'
The thing, I'll always repent in my life is that, I was not there with him during his last minutes.
I never expressed my love to my father , I wish I had
I Love you Baba and I miss you lot'
I just wanted to express these feelings after four years
It was getting difficult to hold them any longer as I dont let my tears flow
But still I feel lucky enough to have my mother with me always, the one who always wants my happiness., who is always there for me.
Love you Maa
I just wanted to share it as I cant do it
Please dont be sorry!
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