Joined: 12 August 2007
Joined: 31 October 2010
Joined: 31 October 2010
she wll b updating shortly
Joined: 11 April 2009
-C H A P T E R 3 3-
'Have you ever been in love?'
'describe being in love.'
'okay... let's see- your heart... it starts to pound and your hands sweat, you feel happy, like someone turned on the lights, but those lights were inside you...'
'No, no- seriously, that happens.'
'okay, and then?'
'then you want that person around all the time, when you are with them you feel- content. And when they are not around you want them around.'
'No wonder she dumped you!'
'why is that?'
'you are such a girl!'
'I am no such thing.'
'heart starts pounding, hands sweating, wanting that person around all the time!' she repeated him, but in a dramatic voice.
'Oh! Very mature!'
She just laughed, as she took a sip of her wine.
'I am not a girl, you are just heartless.'
'Please! I am not.'
'have you been in love?'
'right... okay let me see- I was very close, once.'
'what happened Zia?!' Rohan asked.
'when you were close to falling in love.'
She waved her hand to brush off the topic, 'Oh! It was nothing, nothing, I just- I just had a weak moment, where I felt that I might be in love, but then...'
'then I snapped out of it, and came to realise, that I have been right and Love is a beautiful emotion, but also that- it tends to make you weak. And I would rather be strong and not know anything about love, than be weak and swim in it.'
'wow...' he leaned back in his chair, 'that is twisted, poetic, but still twisted.'
'oh well, thank you Mehra. But enough about me, tell me, what do you want to do?'
'I want to forget her.'
'yes, I thought about it and I do, I love her, but she wants to run from it, so fine. Let her, I refuse to run after her, I want to save some self respect that I have left.'
She smiled, 'well, best of luck with that.'
'Thanks, I really needed that.'
She smiled, 'so, what help did you want?'
'I want your help to forget her.'
'and how is that? How can I help you to forget her.'
'your sarcastic comments and your...'
'you mean I have to hang out with you.'
'well, as if you have so many more appealing options.'
'what do you mean?'
' the wedding is coming up and Shaan and Khanak will be busy with each other, and you don't have anyone to crib about the wedding to, and I need someone to keep me busy so I don't care about Tashu. So we can be friends until this wedding is over and Tashu, goes back to Mumbai.'
Zia narrowed her eyes, as she thought about, 'Oh fine! But only for the wedding week, after that we go back to being not friends.'
He smiled, and raised his glass, 'deal.'
'by the way, how in the world can you drink something as awful as Campari?!'
He looked at his glass, 'It is not that awful, it is pretty good.'
'Why do you have to prove every time that you have such an inferior taste palate?'
'So what would you recommend?'
She smiled, 'Brandy.'
'Brandy it is then.'
He called the waiter and asked for a brandy, and they continued talking.
She felt terrible, absolutely terrible- she had felt bad as soon as she had said it, and now hours later she felt worse. She didn't know what she was doing anymore, what she wanted or why she had done what she had done.
'hey beta didn't you have a flight tonight?'
She turned around and smiled, 'yes, maa, I decided to go later, so I have delayed going for another week.'
'Tashu, kya hua?'
'Tashu, I am your mother and I can tell that you are running from something, or someone I may say? A certain Mehra perhaps?'
Tashu looked at her mother, 'I love him, loved him- I don't know any more, I mean. He feels so strongly for me that it scares me.'
'scares you? Why I though any girl would love to have a man so in love with her...'
'I am scared because I don't think I feel that strongly for him. I asked him to move in with me because I wanted to show myself that I wanted to take things to the next level, but when he said no at first, secretly a part of me felt relieved!'
'Oh honey! That could be because you aren't ready for that kind of commitment, but love him...'
'I don't know...' she looked at her mother, almost teary eyed, 'I love him, but living with him for six weeks just made me realise that we have almost nothing in common. I mean... We hardly talk about things that matter, hardly made conversation, other than mundane stuff and romantic talks, I can never discuss things with him, things like work and my favourite books and art and stuff...'
'I don't know...that is what makes me wonder whether I love him, or the idea of him and me. In the beginning it was all so romantic and fluff and ' a fairytale of sorts. We met, hit it off instantly, he sent me flowers and took me to dinners, it was fun. The romance of it all, the kind of, saw him across the room and fell in love instantly thing, which I always thought only existed in books and movies- had happened to me, and I was so happy. But then the dream faded.'
'and reality happened?' her mother offered.
'you can say that.'
'So you broke up with him and then have been hiding it out here with us?'
Her mother didn't say anything for the longest time, just staring at Tashu.
'say something maa!'
'you were a bit rash in your decision, I mean relationships like the one you shared with Rohan don't come along in one's life easily. He made you happy and you both were in love,' she pulled Tashu into an embrace, 'you got scared, fine, but you should have talked to him, you shouldn't have broken his heart- and yours. Tashu relationships need work, they don't just happen, and they aren't effortless. You need to bother about getting to know one another, you have to care enough to try and understand the other person. Probably you both never took the initiative to talk about things you liked, things you love, perhaps both of you got so caught up in the romance of it. That you forgot to bother to get to know each other at a deeper level, this doesn't mean you aren't perfect together, just means you both need to work harder, and you have to take time, and not get caught up in a whirlwind romance.'
'I don't know maa, I- don't know if I want to bother doing all of that.'
'well that is your choice then.'
Her mother smiled at her, patted her hand in a comforting manner, then walked away, leaving Tashu to her thoughts.
She slowly opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings, her head felt a little heavy, from all that wine, she had had. She wasn't in her room, she wasn't on her bed, she was in her living room, on her sofa, sprawled there with someone beside her, someone she knew very well.
She slowly got up, and sat next to him, her head was in her hands, as she tried to brush away the fuzziness that she was feeling- effect of the little hang over she had from last night. She reached out for her phone, and squinted to see what time it was.
'six am? Ugh!'
She kept her phone on the table, and looked at him. A smile crept on her lips, her heart skipped a beat, seeing him sleep peacefully on her couch. She extended her hand and brushed hair from his forehead, her finger trailed down his masculine features, to his lips. She traced them slightly as she recalled their kiss, right after he had almost said-
She sighed, as her smile vanished, 'you idiot...' she whispered, 'who in the world told you to fall in love with me!' she held his hand, and brought it to her cheek, she touched her cheek with the back of his hand.
'I am broken, I am flawed beyond fixing, I am a complete screw up! And especially in relationships,' she kissed his hand, 'I don't know what will I do with you Shantanu Khandelwal... More importantly what will I do about me?'
She placed his hand on his chest and took her phone, and tip toed to her room to get dressed.
Shantanu woke up, and smiled as he turned on the sofa and looked around Khanak's home, remembering events of last night, he felt happy ' he had told her how he felt, well almost told her how he felt. But he knew that now she knew, so no more games, no more pretending that peanut butter was there! Just him and Khanak.
He looked around hoping to see her, but she wasn't there.
'Khanak?' he called out, but there was no reply.
He got up and looked around the whole apartment, but she wasn't there. He took out his phone, which was still in the pocket of his jeans, and dialled her number. But there was no reply.
He tried again, again nothing, the phone just rang.
'Damn it Khanak! pick up the phone!'
His happiness faded away, as he realised that Khanak didn't want to talk to him.
'shit! What have I done! I knew I shouldn't have done, said anything- god!' he felt a knot growing in his throat as the worse possible scenarios crept in his mind, the worst being that Khanak, didn't want to be friends with him, ever again.
He felt dread take over his body as the imagined a life without Khanak in it. And he felt like dying.
She sat in a coffee shop waiting desperately for her cappuccino, while she fiddled with her phone, battling with a monumental decision, of ' to call or not to call?
She needed to talk to someone desperately, and since Tashu had her own romantic battles to conquer, and Zia was too new a friend to discuss this with, and the other best friend, was the one involved in this- she was sure she couldn't talk to him, and Rohan was seriously not the one who you go to romantic advice for.
And truth be told, the only person she did want to talk to about her and Shaan was her father. But she wasn't quite ready to forgive him yet. They were a team; they were supposed to get through her mother's death together. They were supposed to be friends- best friends, but he had hidden something so monumental from her. But she also knew that he was the only one, who would understand her twisted commitment phobia.
'To call or not to call?' she asked herself.
She bit her lower lip, as she finally pressed the green button.
She patiently waited until she finally heard her father's nervous "Khanak?" after about five rings.
'you ready to talk about...'
'No, I need your help. So- can we please for the next ten minutes forget about mom's letter, and you hiding it from me?'
Arnav smiled, he knew he had hurt his daughter by breaking her trust, he knew she would take more time to heal. He just hoped he would get an opportunity to explain himself some day. But that was not today, but that didn't bother him much- he was just glad that that he finally heard his daughter's voice after months.
Khanak smiled, she loved when her father said that, she loved that whatever may happen she could always go and tell him, and he would always say "shoot" -all ears to what she had to say.
'okay, this is me asking advice for my love life so brace your self!'
'are you sure? Because some of these things might be a tad bit uncomfortable, for the father in you.'
'Khanak, I don't live in the previous century! You twenty-eight, I know you like boys and stuff, so really I had myself braced and prepared ever since you reached twelve.'
'are you sure, because this is not a teenage love story, where we have held hands and then he broke up with me.'
'and when happened, he broke with you because you wouldn't let him kiss you, and when you came back from school that day, I remember you were cool as a cucumber, and said "I don't want a boyfriend who doesn't respect me to wait for me to get ready for a kiss". So I know you wouldn't do anything that is against your principles and I trust you, and plus I am a cool dad. And I am prepared, don't think your mother left a letter just for you, I don't know about you but mine was about twenty pages long.'
She laughed, 'fine, I will start,' she took a deep breath, 'there is this guy... and well, he is very good friend of mine. And well when we first met, I- we were insanely attracted to each other.'
'how attracted are we talking?'
'well... attractive enough to kiss at a party.'
'No! Alone... we were walking in the garden.'
'That is so romantic! So what is the problem?'
'That we are great friends...'
'Since when is that a problem? You are the same girl who used to say friendship is the most important thing in any relationship right? Or are you not?'
'I am! But...' she took a deep breath, 'I have never felt this way for anyone, and it scares me...'
'Ah... I get it, this has something to do with me and your mother screwing you up for eternity?'
She laughed, 'yeah... something like that.'
'hmm... Okay let's begin from a little trivia about me and your mom.'
'Oh yes! Trivia time...'
'okay listen now... when I and your met, I was instantly taken by her. Not just because she was the most beautiful woman I had seen, ever. But also because she was the few who could actually tell a Monet from a Van Gogh. And she also knew what "going to the mattresses" actually meant.'
'please tell me, it didn't mean what sounds like it does.'
'it means "going to war", seriously Khanak read the Godfather, it is a classic!'
'Dad it is not a classic, and your point being?'
'my point being, that we became friends- best friends- and I didn't even realise when I fell in love with her. And I was scared too. I was scared that I will ruin a friendship- because like you, my relationship track record- well let's just say my relationships were usually a train wreck.'
'hmm... very interesting! But I am still not getting the point...'
'My point is that relationships are never easy and we all screw them up at some point or other. But when you are in a relationship with the right person- that is a person who loves you and cares for you, understands you, and knows you completely but loves you anyway etc etc- then relationships are not that much of a chore or that much of a train wreck. So the question is that do you believe this guy- is like that, and what he feels for you is real.'
'I do- I really do believe that he loves me, he knows everything about me, and he still loves me!' she blushed as she said that, 'But I don't know about me... I mean, at first when we decided just to be friends, he agreed because he felt, and I agreed to an extent that we want different things, but now I realise that I just agreed at that point of time because I was scared, of loosing myself in him, because I have never felt as strongly as I do him for any other man. And then he became my best friend my confidant, pillar support and occasional wisdom, so when something more happened...'
'how much more are we talking?'
'well, let's just say we were going that way, but we didn't actually do anything- because I realised that I love him to much as a friend to even risk screwing up what we have, just for one night.'
'AH! The father in me rejoices that my daughter didn't have one night stand.'
She laughed, 'Dad! Moving on- and then I completely absolutely did everything in my power to not be attracted to him, and at a point I almost succeeded.'
'yes, with Aditya- but even he saw that maybe there is something more to Shaan and me that what meets the eye. And now I am talking to you after he kissed me, and almost told me that he loves me.'
'I stopped him.'
'What! Khanak you know how difficult it is for a man to confess his feelings?! We are completely incapable of actually coming out and saying those three words easily, so the cardinal rule is don't stop a man when he is saying I love you! God knows when he will muster that courage again!'
She laughed, 'dad! Stop it, can't you see I am a mess, without you making me feel bad about stopping him!'
Arnav laughed, 'I am sorry, but you are not a mess. No you are just confused, and scared about whether you want to go down that road with a friend, a very good friend from what I can gather. But you also have to remember one thing, just because me and your mother had a certain kind of relationship, does not mean you will have the same kind of relationship. Naina, she was a strong woman, she was intelligent and a great writer and so many good and bad things. And you are so much like her, but you have her good parts shona, you have her determination, you have her creative mind, and her beauty, and her courage- you have your weaknesses, but not the same ones as your mother.'
'so what are you saying?'
'I am saying go charging ahead, take the jump, and see what happens. Otherwise you will forever regret not doing anything, and you will for the rest of your life be stuck with "what if", and trust me, that is not what you want to have hanging over your head.'
She smiled, 'thanks dad.'
'I am always glad to help.'
'okay, now I have to go and tell that friend, that we are going to do this.'
'great! Go get him! And use protection!'
'Dad! God! Bye!'
She laughed as she cut the phone, and ordered her cheque, as she didn't want to be late in telling her friend that he is going to be her boyfriend.
She looked up rolled her eyes as she saw it was, 'Rohan! What is it?'
I came here to give you your earring, my car cleaner found it, it must have dropped.'
'Oh!' she smiled, as she got up, 'sorry, and thanks.'
He handed her the earring, 'it is fine, frankly speaking anything less than you rolling your eyes in irritation at the sight of me, would be unnatural, to say the least.'
'yes, it would, would it not?' she asked with a slight smile.
'I see you didn't fire your assistant.'
'Yes, well I believe in second chances, so I am giving her one- and she is performing brilliantly.'
He raised his eyebrow, 'I am sorry, you believe in second chances?'
'why are you so surprised?!'
'you don't seem like the kind, who believe in second chances.'
'oh yeah? Then what kind do I look like?'
' the kind, with whom you mess once, and you are out of their life forever.'
She narrowed her eyes, then when he was sure he had over stepped, she smiled, 'well that is the thing Mehra... people have an amazing quality of surprising you. You can never be too sure about how a person is, many times you think they are something, but they aren't.'
He smiled, 'How philosophical of you.'
'I have my moments.'
'twice in 24 hours, you will kill me with surprises.'
She smiled, when her phone rang.
She picked up the call, 'hey Shaan!'
'She is not here!' he said in a panicked tone.
'okay! Woow, eardrums Khandelwal!'
'Sorry, it is just that I almost told her I loved her yesterday and now she isn't here and she is not picking up her phone and I am basically freaking out thinking about various scenarios in my head! All ending with her telling me she doesn't want to see my face again!'
'Okay! Breath my man!'
Rohan looked at her with concern, he was worried for his friend.
'what happened?' he whispered.
Zia asked for a minute as she continued talking to Shantanu, 'calm down. she won't leave you! You both are insanely good friends for her to tell you not show your face to her again. Plus, she is really not like that, if she doesn't feel that way, she would have told you that, and said sorry- did she do that?'
'No, she just stopped me from saying I love you and then we kissed. A lot.'
'what, she stopped me from saying I love you! Because she didn't want to hear it!'
'yes she didn't but different reasons, I am sure she wants time to think, which is not bad! Honestly Shantanu don't worry, I am sure she is just trying to figure things out, and does not want you out of her life. Now relax, I will go and talk to her assistant, she must be on her way to the office. Okay?'
'okay, just call me after talking to her assistant.'
She cut the phone and looked at a concerned Rohan, 'he almost said I love you to her, and she stopped him and they kissed and now she isn't there and is not picking up his phone and he freaking out.'
'I know! Anyway, I will go and try to figure out where she is, or if she is coming to the office. But I need your help.'
'okay sure, what is it?'
'well, can you read my piece on the laptop and check it for any errors? And then send it to the email address, that is written on the purple post it which is on the side of the screen?'
'are you sure, I mean I can go ask her assistant...'
'seriously? Have you ever even met Khanak's assistant?'
'and you think she will just tell you where her boss is?'
'no she won't.'
'exactly! Finally you got the point! I will go and take care of that, but sending the piece is also very important, so you do that. Now chop- chop!'
She walked out of her office leaving Rohan to read her piece.
Shantanu paced around the living room, his phone in hand waiting for Zia to call him, when he heard the door open.
He rushed to the door, and took a sigh of relief as he saw Khanak walk in, with a bag.
'Where the hell have you BEEN?!' he asked her, scaring her as she didn't see him.
'Oh my god Khandelwal! You scared me!'
'good, but it was nothing compared to the past thirty minutes of torture I have suffered!
'thirty minutes? You woke up at ten? Wow, I woke six and I was much more drunk than you were.'
'is supposed to be a joke?! Am I supposed to be laughing?' he asked irritated.
'well, since you are so irritated I think it'll be injurious to my health if I answer that question.'
'Oh my god! This is a joke for you! There was no note, you didn't pick up your phone and ... where the hell were you! Do you even realise how worried I was!'
'No! Not another joke! It is not funny.'
She burst into laughter.
'Stop laughing!' he took a few steps towards her, 'I have been having such nerve wrecking thoughts! I thought you didn't want to see me again and... will you stop laughing for crying out loud!'
She walked towards him and pulled him to a kiss.
He was surprised, but soon recovered, and wrapped his arms around her petite waist as she deepened their kiss, pressing her body against his, melting into him.
She pulled away after a few seconds, 'has anyone ever told you...' she whispered, gasping for air, 'you talk too bloody much!'
He laughed, 'no, but if you are going to tell me I talk bloody too much like this, then I think I love talking too much.'
He kissed her again, his anger forgotten, as the happiness of having her in his arms enveloped him.
She put her hand on his chest and pushed him away, 'we need to talk, and have breakfast, but talk too.
'Oh!' it was like a bucket of cold water, "we have to talk" can never be too good.
'and I have brownies, pancakes, muffins for breakfast!' she said with a smile and took the bag and walked to the kitchen.
'what about the talk?'
'oh we will talk but can we have the talk while having breakfast? I am starving!'
She went for the plates and he took out the food, 'hey! this muffin is half- eaten.'
She looked at him and smiled, 'yes, as I said, I am starving, and ate it, but then felt bad since I wanted to eat with you so, I didn't finish it.'
He smiled and threw the muffin at her, and she caught it, and he took another and bit into it, ' So? let's start talking...'
She smiled looking at him, 'yeah... but let's just sit down first.'
'You are scaring me.'
'well, I am scared myself.'
'and that is supposed to help me get calm?'
'Oh god! Khandelwal Shut up! And sit.'
He sat down, 'fine, talk!'
'I talked to my father.'
'Really?' he asked smiling, and also forgetting that they were supposedly going to have "a talk", 'you talked to him? And so you guys settled the whole problem right? I mean, of course you did, no wonder you look happy! And thank god! You were miserable not talking to him.'
'No, we did not talk about the letter.'
'what! Why?! Khanak you need to talk to him!'
'No! It is high time, yes he did make a huge mistake but that doesn't mean you cut him out! You need to talk to him, you love him too much and you are miserable without him, and whenever he calls and you cut the phone I know you feel really bad.'
'Khandelwal! Stop lecturing me!'
'well I won't! You have to be lectured especially when you are committing such a stupid mistake!'
She stood up, 'mistake?!'
He stood up too, 'yes mistake! Yes he made a huge blunder by not giving you that letter, but you can't punish him forever!'
'I am not punishing him! I am hurt, and I don't face him until I am ready!'
'you should talk to him, you really should.'
'why are we even talking about this, we had to talk about us!'
'yes, I know, but I really think you should talk to him and ...'
'God Khandelwal,' she interrupted him with a smile, 'I am standing here wanting to tell you that I am ready to have a go down the relationship road with you! And you are standing her giving me a lecture on my dad?'
He looked at her, his mouth hanging open, as he processed what she had just said.
'Khandelwal? Hello... why do I have to give you these huge shocks so you shut up? And now your aren't even talking!'
'I- uh- wha- rela- what?'
She laughed, and took a step towards him and swung her arm around his neck, 'AWW, you are adorable when you are speechless...' she gave him a peck on his lips.
'of course I am speechless! I mean- you and me?'
She blushed and looked away from him for a second, then looked into his eyes, 'what I am saying is, that I know what you feel, or I think I do anyway, and- to be honest Khandelwal, I don't know where exactly I stand- I am a bit of a commitment phobia- as you might know.'
'a bit? That is the biggest understatement of... the decade, to say the least. I mean the way you resisted Aditya...'
She smacked him on the arm, 'Fine! But what I was saying, before you corrected me, was that- I need time, to completely understand us. I really like you, and care for you, I don't know if I love you.'
He smiled, 'I know, and I am prepared to wait, for however long it takes, for you to love me, and I will do everything in my power to make you fall in love with me...'
She smiled, 'really, that sounds so romantic...' she sighed, as she leaned against him.
'thank you, but don't make me actually wait for a long time.'
'I won't...' she whispered, 'but I am scared as hell, I don't hurt you, or hurt our friendship. I mean what if I screw up and break your heart and ruin our friendship?' her eyes had hints of tears as she looked into his eyes.
He held her face gently, 'that won't happen, cause I won't let you, screw us up and if you do,' he leaned in, decreasing the distance between their lips, ' I will forgive you.' He whispered with a playful smile.
She smiled, 'oh, how very generous of you...' she bit her lip, as her eyes fell to his.
He looked at her, as he wet his lips, 'that I am, but what if I screw up? Then?'
'then I promise, I will kick your ass,' they laughed, 'and then I will forgive you...'
'Well thank you for the warning Miss Kapoor, very kind of you.'
'You're welcome Mr. Khandelwal.'
He looked at her, 'So we are doing this?'
He pulled her more firmly to him, and kissed her. His hand was on her neck, caressing her skin, as he slowly buried his hands in her hair.
Khanak gasped as her wrapped his hand around her waist and pulled her closer, and deepened the kiss.
'Shaan...'She sighed into his mouth, her hands moving around him, clutching to him as though her life depended on it. She could feel her need, her want, for him building up inside her and she knew, eventually, she was simply going to burst.
He moved down top her neck, leaving behind a trail of hot pecks.
'Shantanu...' she whispered, her breathing unsteady, 'I have to tell you something, more...'
'what?' he whispered into her neck, his hot breath sending a shiver down her body.
'we can't tell anybody.'
He looked at her, 'Oh definitely, i see your point, you aren't completely ready, and we are Shantanu-Khanak, mom will start planning our wedding if she gets to know.'
He gave her a peck on her lips.
She pulled away, 'and your Akshay bhai will start working on his wedding reception toast as well.'
'not to mention Tashu will go berserk as well, since she hasn't been privy to anything that has happned.'
'Ya, she doesn't know anything about the peanut butter, or anything else...'
He smiled, 'plus a secret affair, is so much sexier, especially with the woman you...'
'No, don't say it!'
'you stopping me the second time in twenty four hours! do you know how difficult it is to try and say it once, and I have tried twice!'
'I am sorry, I just, I want you to say it when I am ready to say it too... I want the first time you say it to me a time when you hear it back too.'
He smiled, 'fine, so secret it is?'
'Oh definitely!' she smiled, but her phone rang, 'that must be the office I have to be there in forty minutes, I told them I will come by late.'
'oh, well, then let's see, you will take ten minutes to get dressed and twenty to reach your office, so why don't we use the next ten minutes to good use?'
'what do you have in mind?'
'well, the last five minutes of the ten, to be utilised in eating this beautiful breakfast that you have got.'
'and the first five minutes?'
'Oh you know...' he whispered in a playful tone.
'Oh whatever do you mean?'
She asked, looking at in a flirtatious way.
'let me show you...'
She laughed, as he kissed her again.
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