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Communication problems with my wife in India (Page 3)

persistence Goldie
persistence
persistence

Joined: 11 August 2005
Posts: 1779

Posted: 15 June 2011 at 6:05pm | IP Logged
O' wow!

Do you know how long she has known this guy friend of hers? Maybe it took her a while to get warmed up to him, and you are getting there with her as you did say that she has become a bit more chatty with you than before.

Maybe it is time to confront her about her guy friend? You are going to have a problem though 'cause you are keeping a look on her behind her back, too...clearly says, I don't trust you (even if you had a valid reason to monitor). That's gonna cause some anger/issues. Lying to your face and being cozy with another man is bordering on cheating (though I don't know what kind of relationship existed between them before marriage, could be just a really close friend). Good that the guy at least is maintaining his distance, and letting her know to stay interested in you. As to her having done a lot because she moved from India and left her job and what not, I say that she didn't do any favor. Clearly, it was an option for her and she/or her parents made that decision...can't really "blame" or lay responsibility on you for her decision. I think you should mention to your wife that you are considering divorce (if you seriously are) because things are not working with you two...maybe that will wake her up if she is indeed living in her own world.

By the way, it is just my personal take on your situation. I am no expert in relationships...so please take my thoughts with a pinch of salt, and consider all angles before dealing with the situation.


harry5126 Newbie
harry5126
harry5126

Joined: 11 February 2011
Posts: 28

Posted: 16 June 2011 at 9:28am | IP Logged
Originally posted by persistence

O' wow!

By the way, it is just my personal take on your situation. I am no expert in relationships...so please take my thoughts with a pinch of salt, and consider all angles before dealing with the situation.



They have probably been friends for 5 years. They were just regular friends but became very good friends right before she was marrying me, that is because she was very stressed out and panicing and he provided her with comfort and told her to be patient. So, they have been very good close friends for few months. He went abroad after college, so they did not have any meetings in person and did not have any physical contact. My wife was a virgin until her and I became physical, I am 100% sure.

She has become very friendly with me for past 1 week. She has been here for 3 weeks now. Now she jokes with me and discusses her past, college etc. The only thing she is hiding from me is this guy, that's it. Since it was an arranged marriage she did not feel comfortable just like i did not. She had panic attacks before marriage and that guy told her to be calm and patient. She thanks him for it. She never said anything bad about me to any of her friend. When I do approach her physically now, she responds positively. I only have 2 problems though, 1. Her hiding that guy 2. Not becoming romantic or sharing how she feels about me. Since it has only been 3 weeks, people tell me to wait and have patience and give her a chance since she is getting more and more comfortable with me. I cannot confront her, there will not be any trust for the rest of our lives. I am in a big dilemma right now. I am not sure how seriously I should take it.


Edited by harry5126 - 16 June 2011 at 9:31am
persistence Goldie
persistence
persistence

Joined: 11 August 2005
Posts: 1779

Posted: 16 June 2011 at 11:08am | IP Logged
So you found out about the nature of their relationship from the monitoring software itself? How much snooping did you do? Any who, if you know that things are improving and letting her know of you monitoring her is going to ruin things for good, I recommend getting rid of the software first. You don't need to put down physical details..i was talking about emotional cheating.

Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable telling you about a close guy friend yet. She may think that it will cause trouble between you too (as it already is) As you two get close emotionally, share your lives, troubles, and what not, yours and hers bond will become stronger than any friend existing out there...look at it from practical view -- known him for 5 years, and seems like he has been there thick and thin. You haven't known her for that long, have you? Listen to your friends, and give everything time...even about her sharing her feelings. Not all people open up just like that...some don't like express their feelings verbally, but will show you how they feel thru your actions, etc. Give it some time, and get rid of the monitoring software please...'cause you will be/and are hiding something from her, too. If she ever finds out, then it will start troubles. 

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bewafa

harry5126 Newbie
harry5126
harry5126

Joined: 11 February 2011
Posts: 28

Posted: 20 June 2011 at 3:41pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by persistence

I recommend getting rid of the software first. You don't need to put down physical details..i was talking about emotional cheating.

Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable telling you about a close guy friend yet. She may think that it will cause trouble between you too (as it already is)


I am glad I did not get rid of the monitoring software. She wrote an email to him but did not send, saved as a draft, it say that she loves him dearly but can't tell him. She prays to God not to part him from her. She also wrote that she prays to God that one day she has a baby with him.

The guy does not know about this but my wife is head over heals in love with him.

When i asked her about having babies she said she is not rwady and does not want to talk about it for next 3 years. She also emotionally and physically distant from me.
persistence Goldie
persistence
persistence

Joined: 11 August 2005
Posts: 1779

Posted: 21 June 2011 at 10:51am | IP Logged
Originally posted by harry5126

Originally posted by persistence

I recommend getting rid of the software first. You don't need to put down physical details..i was talking about emotional cheating.

Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable telling you about a close guy friend yet. She may think that it will cause trouble between you too (as it already is)


I am glad I did not get rid of the monitoring software. She wrote an email to him but did not send, saved as a draft, it say that she loves him dearly but can't tell him. She prays to God not to part him from her. She also wrote that she prays to God that one day she has a baby with him.

The guy does not know about this but my wife is head over heals in love with him.

When i asked her about having babies she said she is not rwady and does not want to talk about it for next 3 years. She also emotionally and physically distant from me.


Sorry to hear so. I don't know what to say. Two options - 1. confront her and if the issue doesn't resolve, then I guess it is marriage over. 2. Wait for her to send it and she may get a negative response back, and then will be heartbroken and may come around more easily than the first option. That is if you are still interested in maintaining your marriage.
harry5126 Newbie
harry5126
harry5126

Joined: 11 February 2011
Posts: 28

Posted: 21 June 2011 at 11:32am | IP Logged
Originally posted by persistence


Sorry to hear so. I don't know what to say. Two options - 1. confront her and if the issue doesn't resolve, then I guess it is marriage over. 2. Wait for her to send it and she may get a negative response back, and then will be heartbroken and may come around more easily than the first option. That is if you are still interested in maintaining your marriage.


Option 1: If i confront her, the marriage is over cuz there cannot be trust from both side for the rest of our lives.

Option 2: The problem is that she has him in her heart. Even though if he breaks her heart, she might and most probably will still keep him in her heart and there won't be room for me.

After knowing how she is, she lies, goes behind my back, and does not feel guilty about it, actually makes me question her future motives. If she ever wants to do anything, she has the ability to go behind my back and do it, lie to me about, and not feel guilty about it. I am not comfortable with this marriage. Filing for divorce.

The craziest thing is that the physical part of our relationship is very good. Since I found out, I do not want to get physical with her but she wants to. But still she does not say anything romantic, no compliments, and no words of affection to me. I know from her chat conversation with that guy that she is capable of having affectionate conversations.


Edited by harry5126 - 21 June 2011 at 1:44pm
bewafa IF-Dazzler
bewafa
bewafa

Joined: 01 September 2005
Posts: 4897

Posted: 22 June 2011 at 4:30am | IP Logged
Oh my gosh. I had come back hoping to read some positive outcome...but man...
You should ask her about the guy, you have to.
She is cheating on u...emotionally. It was all ok until u found the unsent email
You deserve someone who truly Loves u for you
NAND if she gets angry that u looked into her personal stuff...Well...too bad. She shouldn't be doing stuff that she's afraid about

Edited by bewafa - 22 June 2011 at 4:32am
GoldenPanda. IF-Rockerz
GoldenPanda.
GoldenPanda.

Joined: 24 May 2009
Posts: 7672

Posted: 22 June 2011 at 4:00pm | IP Logged
I'm so sorry about what happened. I do advise you to confront her and see what she has to say for herself, even if you're filing for a divorce. You deserve better than this, every person deserves to be loved and most importantly treated with respect.

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