Communication problems with my wife in India (Page 2)

I am very much acquainted with my roots. I am different from my family when it comes to personality. I have more views common with my wife than she has with my family such as caste does not matter in marriage, if someone wants to marry outside religion, let them. My family does not believe in this. She is usually nice to my family and more of herself with me. She does not discuss anything that causes conflict and if they mention something she disagrees with, she nodes in agreement anyway and later tell me that she disagrees. However, she tries to initiate conversation with my family and adds to the conversation more than she does to me.

The problem is our personalities, they are very different. I am a person who likes to have 2 way conversations so that other person has to add something to the convo otherwise I do not talk much. She by nature is very reserved and does not talk much to begin with. I ask her how is she doing and what was she doing when i called, she answers but does not ask me. Her answers are very precise such as, "i was just sitting", or "watching tv". If i ask what did u do today. she says, 'Nothing much, just house work'. If I try to initiate some conversation she says something which I consider to be a conversation breaker, like I already know, or let it go, etc. And I do not feel like talking after she put the breaks on. I have talked to her about it and told her and she said that's her nature and that's how she is so she does not do it intentionally. She also does not share much from her side even if I ask, nothing about her family, her childhood, her brother and sister, rather than just saying they are fine.

There were few songs on her ipod when I went to India, she had heard the songs I had on my iphone and I never heard the songs on her ipod because i did not want to invade her privacy. I had asked her, "what kind of songs do you listen to these days". she said "the one that are popular", i said "what kind of songs are on your ipod", She said "there are a lot". I said, "name some", she said, "she can't off the head but will email me". And then she never emails me the songs as her email is very generic.

If I ask again, she gets irritated.

I had asked her in the email, what kind of things she would like to do with me when she gets here. This was to see what she is interested in so I can first do stuff she likes. She never answered the questions and just wrote a generic email.

She never asked why i did not call for 3 days. She never asks me if i miss her. I asked her if she misses me, and she jokingly said, i don't know.

Now Persistence, u tell me ....

First off, I am sorry for the difficulty you are going through in communicating with your wife!

Secondly, after reading your conversation, I wonder why your wife is being so mysterious?! You would have to ask her why she doesn't tell you anything about herself, and that she is just that way is not an acceptable response, at least to me. Maybe you guys need to build more trust? If she doesn't tell you anything abt herself, then bore her with everything abt yourself!! Things your parents tell her, you want to re-tell, what you want to tell her...maybe she will get annoyed or find something common with you, and interject or make comments??

If she is not happy about moving away from her family, to a place which is foreign to her -- she may not respond to your questions abt what she wants to do in US...maybe just ask her what she likes to do in India...maybe that can be mirrored in the US. Other than that, I am at a loss and at the end of wits here.

Persy

I have asked many times, she says that's her nature, she does not talk much. Different people have different nature and she is not very talkative by nature.

I had this conversation with her before marriage and she said when we live together things will change and she can open up more. When I was with her she would not say much during the day, but at night before going to bed we would talk for an hour or so, she would share stuff about her friends.

When I am with her, I do not feel the need to talk to her much because to me she looks very cute and i can just look at her and be content. But when I am away, I want to talk to her but she does not want to talk as much.

One problem I do however face in person as well is that if I try to tell her something she sometimes says she does not want to listen to it. Or that's all she can talk. her limit for talking is very little ...

aww..I feel sorry for you

    you first you talk about his family meter then you slowly  she discuss about other topic so then you delete you hesitation.

Don't worry... it's the way she has been brought up. she might be nervous around u and stuff or nervous about talking to youu.. Im sure after she comes and lives with you, she will eventually get used to you and will open up. It takes time, but it will happen- you just need to make her realize that you care for her, and want to have a special bond with her since shes your wife!

Don't worry man, i understand completely. She's a shy punjabi girl the thing is right now she does not know u and she's scared to talk to u for some reason. My thinking would she's afraid she might say something that will make u not like her so she's pushing back,

You might know me from my previous posts. But a little recap: I am from USA and my rishta got finalized with a girl from Punjab last year. I am 28, she is 27. Our phone conversations were very poor before marriage, she did not talk to me much and that concerned me but she told me that's how she is and my relatives told me not to focus on it as she will talk me more after marriage. I had asked her to chat with me and she said she does not chat or video chat at all. I sent a friend's request to her on facebook and she did not add me, and rather deactivated her account. That was very suspicious, i tried to call off the wedding but she assured me nothing was wrong as facebook is a silly thing and she did not need it.

Well, we got married in India and she asked me to change few things about me like cut my hair etc. I came back to US while she was in India waiting for her paperwortk to clear. She created another facebook account and totally locked it and made it unsearchable so i would not find it. My trust began to break even more in her.

After marriage while i was in US, iw ould tel her that i Miss her but she would not say anything, I would call her with sweet names but nothing from her, when i asked, she said she does not talk like that.

Well my wife arrived in United States. She still kept insisting on cutting my hair. I first resisted and then i finally did for her. Since I did not trust her and did not know what was going on, I put a monitoring software on my computer to know what she is doing.

She said she want to connect with her friends on facebook, I said sure u can I have no problem with that, so she deactivate the new account she created and activated the old account and also added me to it.

Basically she chats with a guy a lot. He is tall, well built and looks very good. She cahat with him almost 1 hours every day. They talk about silly things like songs, calls eahc other names. They also have nicknames for each other and she tells him that he is sweet, and cute. From his side there is nothing much but what worries me the most is that my wife saves all of the chat conversations with him and then later spends hours reading them again and again. Some days she spends an hour or so reading chat conversations with him from past 2 months. She also look at his photos almost everyday. She hasn't even checked my facebook wall.

She told this guy not to post anything on her facebook, mainly because i will see it.

The guy encourages her to get to know me (husband) and spend time with me. She never comes to me to talk to me, never say lets watch tv together or lets do this. She just avoids me. If i try to be physical with her she does it but next day starts chatting with that guy again.

Before marriage and even after when she was in India, I had asked her to chat with me, she said she does not chat at all. Now i found out that she is pro at it and even chats with other people.

The other day I came online about 10:30am while i was at work and she was at home, i initiated chat conversation with her on facebook she chatted with me for 5 min and then said she should do house work. I could see from the monitoring software that she was online for another 45 min after she said that to me and when her friend came online she told him that she had been waiting til 10am to chat with him.

That evening i told her, if we had been talking for and chating with each other online, we could have become very friendly before marriage. She then again lied to my face and said she doe snot chat much, just with her cousin and that's it and she rarely chats.

She said she has done a lot for me by leaving her family and job and coming to US. I took her to San Francisco, do a lot for her and want her to be happy but I feel like she is not interested in me.

While talking to that guy she said she went along with this marriage just to make her parents happy and that she really wants to go to India and meet her parents as she misses them a lot.

She does laundry, cooks, takes care of the house. She has been great as for taking care of the house. She wants to work but has to wait for the work permit.

I really don't know what to do. she has become more friendly with me since she has been here but she keeps talking to this guy. It's not like they are bf/gf, she does seem to be inftuated with him. The thing that bothers me a lot is that she goes behind my back, lies to me, and spend a lot of time read her chat conversation with him and looking at his photos. She makes no effort with me but waits to chat with him. Let me know if you have any advice. I am on the brink of divorcing her.

Edited by harry5126 - 15 June 2011 at 5:47pm