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Communication problems with my wife in India

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harry5126

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harry5126

Joined: 11 February 2011

Posts: 28

Posted: 16 February 2011 at 2:52pm | IP Logged
I have posted a couple of threads but started this one just on the communication part. I am from US and married a girl from Punjab. She is quiet and does not talk much. Before marriage when i talked to her, I knew she did not talk much, but all my relatives and family kept telling me not to focus on it as she would start talking to me more when she is married to me.

I have talked to her for few months before marriage, spent 2 weeks with her in India after marriage, and now I am in US and she is in India, she will be coming here in few months.

Sometimes when i bring up some topics to talk about, she simply says she does not want to talk about it as she has no interest in it. I am always thinking of stuff to talk to her as our conversations do not flow naturally. She does not add much to the conversations and answers my questions very precisely. Which looks like I am just interviewing her. She would only ask me, how am I, how is family, and that's about it. If I bring up something that is interesting she will talk and our conversations will be great but she rarely brings up anything to talk about.

For example, she had told me she gets bored. Today i was talking on the phone with her and ask if she was bored today just to spark the conversation, she said 'u already know the answer to this question', what was i suppose to say then??? and then she was eating something, I asked her jokingly, 'hey, can u make that for me too?', she said 'i do not have the time', sounded awkward to me and i did not know how to respond to a comment like that as no one in US talks to their friends of spouse like this.

I talked to her about it and I told her that I find it very hard to talk to her sometimes and the main reason is our personality difference. I told her I am not blaming her, it is just that when she answers anything abruptly or precisely, it is hard for me to keep the flow of conversation as I do not know what to say afterwards. I also told her that I have to think about topics before calling her to talk to her. She said she does not feel like it is hard for her to talk to me and no one else has told her that, or had that problem. I told her that I never found it hard to talk to anyone either.  I told her that she can share things from her childhood or how she is feeling or thinking. She said she does not think a lot, and sometimes has nothing on her mind to share. That is how she is, that is her personality.  She said she does not think about anything and does not talk deeply.

I said, you can try adding stuff to the conversation to give it flavor, she said that is not her personality and why am i trying to change her personality.

She got mad and said why I am saying this again and again. She told me that I am never satisfied.

I have also tried emailing her and having conversation via email. Her emails are never more than 2 to 3 sentences long. I asked how come u don't write much, again she said, she does not have much to add, I said 'we can keep communicating via emails as well'. She said, 'do we really have to email each other? whatever u have to say just talk to me on the phone' ... lol

I guess I am going to have to just live with it? I am not even sure how much to call her.

I am the one always calling her, she rarely calls me. Is it all just on my shoulders to make the conversations work? If I don't she starts shutting down even more ... i just feel like not calling her as I am tired of thinking about what to talk to her and to me it seems like she does not even make any effort


Edited by harry5126 - 16 February 2011 at 2:53pm

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noddy786

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noddy786

Joined: 05 May 2009

Posts: 119

Posted: 16 February 2011 at 3:48pm | IP Logged
I feel sorry for u man. It must b so difficult,maybe once she starts living with u she might get better. Why don't u get someone 2 talk 2 her about it???

persistence

Goldie

persistence

Joined: 11 August 2005

Posts: 1779

Posted: 16 February 2011 at 6:51pm | IP Logged
Don't call her again. See how many hours/days/weeks it takes her to call you and ask you how you are doing and what you have been upto! Stern Smile Let her take the initiative.
 
Do you think you are trying too hard? Just let things be and perhaps they will sort themselves out.

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fammma

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fammma

Joined: 09 January 2006

Posts: 1703

Posted: 17 February 2011 at 9:52am | IP Logged
awww...i actually feel so sorry for you. I was actually in a long distance relationship for 2 yers, with my then fiance. touch wood, we didnt have many problems.
I actually think we used to talk more then than we do now!!! Now that is weird...
 
I think u r really sweet for trying so hard...do you have any contacts of her friends or anything? maybe u can ask them how she was/is.
 
Give her time, let her call you, it is supposed to be both ways after all , and you are really making an effort. Hope it works out for the better...keep us informed

bewafa

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bewafa

Joined: 01 September 2005

Posts: 4893

Posted: 07 March 2011 at 12:51am | IP Logged
Originally posted by persistence

Don't call her again. See how many hours/days/weeks it takes her to call you and ask you how you are doing and what you have been upto! Stern Smile Let her take the initiative.
 
Do you think you are trying too hard? Just let things be and perhaps they will sort themselves out.

Yeps I agree! Let her take the initiative!
If you keep calling her and trying to make the first move all the time...she may just take you for granted...and/or get annoyed and label you as "clingy"...so, the ball is in her court now. 

However, I do believe things will change once she comes and lives with you. 

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harry5126

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harry5126

Joined: 11 February 2011

Posts: 28

Posted: 07 March 2011 at 10:33am | IP Logged
Originally posted by persistence

Don't call her again. See how many hours/days/weeks it takes her to call you and ask you how you are doing and what you have been upto! Stern Smile Let her take the initiative.
 
Do you think you are trying too hard? Just let things be and perhaps they will sort themselves out.


Originally posted by bewafa


Yeps I agree! Let her take the initiative!
If you keep calling her and trying to make the first move all the time...she may just take you for granted...and/or get annoyed and label you as "clingy"...so, the ball is in her court now. 

However, I do believe things will change once she comes and lives with you. 



ok, I did not call her and she called me after 3 days. I used to call her everyday or every other day but now I have gone down to once after 2 to 3 days. The funny thing is that she gets along with my family very well. The opposite of all the issues on this site. She talks to my mom, my father and uncle very nicely and even jokes with them but when I call she is usually precise. I think personality wise she gets long with my family more than she gets along with me. It is out of my understanding.

Another thing I am facing now is that since my call frequency is low, my mom and dad call her more often than me. When something happens my mom or someone from my home call her and tell her so when I call and try to tell her about something and talk to her, she says she already knows, mom told her, or dad told her. So I have nothing else to talk about.

I can't tell my parents not to call her so often cuz they will say I do not want them to talk to her and I know they will not reason with me rationally.

Bolly*_Crazed

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Bolly*_Crazed

Joined: 21 January 2006

Posts: 4137

Posted: 08 March 2011 at 5:14pm | IP Logged

I'm not married.... or anywhere close to being...I'm only 18 BUT I'am a girl ! In my opinion her problem is that she's shy... why not with your family you may ask ?? Well they aren't in the same position as you are in her life ? Your her husband, her lover, her EVERYTHING... And I'm assuming before marriage she rarely interacted with other guys ? So how is she suppose to know how to act infront of her NOW HUSBAND !... I think she's just shy, and doesn't want to come off weird infront of you..I mean you are a guy from the US !... ( I dont know if girls from India..think extra highly of men if their out of country  especally from US or where I live ( Canada ) ) but she certainly might think highly of you considering you are her husband !

 
I think when she starts living with you, the closer you guys will get !!.... First become BEST FRIENDS...and then husband and wife :).... This is my knowledge from watching all those bollywood movies/drama's....hopefully it helped somewhat :)

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persistence

Goldie

persistence

Joined: 11 August 2005

Posts: 1779

Posted: 09 March 2011 at 12:21am | IP Logged
Originally posted by harry5126

Originally posted by persistence

Don't call her again. See how many hours/days/weeks it takes her to call you and ask you how you are doing and what you have been upto! Stern Smile Let her take the initiative.
 
Do you think you are trying too hard? Just let things be and perhaps they will sort themselves out.


Originally posted by bewafa


Yeps I agree! Let her take the initiative!
If you keep calling her and trying to make the first move all the time...she may just take you for granted...and/or get annoyed and label you as "clingy"...so, the ball is in her court now. 

However, I do believe things will change once she comes and lives with you. 



ok, I did not call her and she called me after 3 days. I used to call her everyday or every other day but now I have gone down to once after 2 to 3 days. The funny thing is that she gets along with my family very well. The opposite of all the issues on this site. She talks to my mom, my father and uncle very nicely and even jokes with them but when I call she is usually precise. I think personality wise she gets long with my family more than she gets along with me. It is out of my understanding.

Another thing I am facing now is that since my call frequency is low, my mom and dad call her more often than me. When something happens my mom or someone from my home call her and tell her so when I call and try to tell her about something and talk to her, she says she already knows, mom told her, or dad told her. So I have nothing else to talk about.

I can't tell my parents not to call her so often cuz they will say I do not want them to talk to her and I know they will not reason with me rationally.


Haha! Well, I would take her getting along with your family a good sign. LOL How different are you from your family? Are they more punjabi/indian that you are or feel? If so, getting in touch with your roots may help...better yet, ask your wife to get you re-acquainted with your roots.Smile Maybe you guys can develop a better connection that way. If your mom and dad already tell her about your life and happenings, maybe you can ask her about what is going on in her life instead? listen more than you tell.

Just out of curiosity, did she ask you why you have not called her for 3 days?ConfusedLOL


Edited by persistence - 09 March 2011 at 12:22am

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