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Rang Badalti Odhani

-Shanak SS- Banwra Mann Final Pg 16 (Page 11)

wooster Senior Member
wooster
wooster

Joined: 08 September 2010
Posts: 520

Posted: 22 January 2011 at 1:27am | IP Logged

Dear Saaz

 I was reading a script when I read your story...very nice and heartfelt....really takes the essence of Shanak and brings it out so beautifully....Clap

  The 3rd part is superb...loved the nuances which is missing in RBO today completely...really please put this across to the Creatives... maybe they should pay and hire you as writer....love the sofa, the head on acknowledgement of Suraj and his death...mature yet  Shaan!!!Wink

 Honestly we will have a good fun show... you incorporated the family which is great... Akki/ Khushboo and Madhavi/ Sunil....

  I wish this was the story and ....

 PS. Can I also request you to burn the guitar in one of your SS...I will pay you for it...as we are paying for everything!!! Wink


Thank youSmile


Edited by wooster - 22 January 2011 at 1:28am

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saaazdestinyloveadventure_gurl

Jessica100 Groupbie
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Joined: 09 January 2011
Posts: 98

Posted: 22 January 2011 at 2:05am | IP Logged
wow !!!! loved it !!!

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saaaz

angel_9 Goldie
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Joined: 12 November 2010
Posts: 1476

Posted: 23 January 2011 at 3:55am | IP Logged
saaz loved the update ..............Big smile
sunil mad convo  n akki boo convo loved it also............
shanak convo i.e. their fight..............n loved the lines used...........ClapClapClap
n khanak saying I LOVE UBig smile
awesome update n nicely written...........Star
will b waiting 4 next part............
 

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saaaz

-Deepali- IF-Stunnerz
-Deepali-
-Deepali-

Joined: 18 November 2010
Posts: 31351

Posted: 23 January 2011 at 8:19am | IP Logged
wow.............soo  very well written dear !!Hugabsolutely loved itStar
 All  filling their right place and superb writen ..all conv are brilliantClap

waiting for next part eagerly .pl update soonBig smile thanks for pm dear
Hug


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saaaz

simikr IF-Rockerz
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Joined: 17 January 2007
Posts: 7542

Posted: 23 January 2011 at 9:43am | IP Logged
Saaz!!!
 
SUPERLATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should be one of the Cvs yaar,then this serial would be number 1!! Please do continue, am getting deply involved here! :))
 
Simi

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saaaz

saaaz IF-Dazzler
saaaz
saaaz

Joined: 30 November 2010
Posts: 4210

Posted: 23 January 2011 at 3:49pm | IP Logged
THANKS EVERYONE

@priyacool: thanks, hope the next one does not dissappoint

@Aditee: Thank you dear

@Vaishu: confusion hai re username ke wajah se...sorrie...Tongue..thanks re

@Teech: Don't worry yaar morning scene hoga..LOL..thanks for reading and commentingBig smile

@SYS: LOVED your review...keep them coming...Big smile

@Vandoo: Hai na burdhtal apna Shaan,,,don;t worry he has to go through a whole circle of burdhtal before he becomes Embarrassed

@Sneha:  THANKS so much re...Tongue...sofa tho aana hi tha...wohi tho hai asli comedy triangle hai na?loved that you liked that line,,,that was the one I struggled most with...

@Karishma: HAILA....you read ...you back??? hope you doing fine girly

@Manita: Thanks re,,,yes,,,Shaan;s rambling such a huge part of Golden RBO..Big smile..

@May: Oye complaint ki bachii,,, time nahin milta yaar,,, thanks for commenting

@Shalini: Wish the CVs did do better than what they are doing now...Angry....main apni saari bhadaas aise SS pe nikalti hoon...LOL at workshop

@ Shai: OYE FF ki jahapannah.....loving your's too re...

@Naveen: update coming up buddy

@Deepa: have stopped watching the crap,,,have decided this is the only way to channel my frustrations,,,I am so glad you are enjoying it

@adventure gurl: Thanks for the comment

@Anu: Thanks a bunch re...hope the next one also makes you smile....umm.. hope!!

@Smitha: yes, my SS is leaning towards Shaan more,,, it does in the next chapter show a bit of Khanak dealing,,tho.

@Rafia: love how you comment re...love love love it!

@Rooj: Yes, my SS does show Mad and Boo in a more positive light - hopefully keeping in character tho-- just my way of showing there is good in everybody,,,,don't worry Shaan does grow up in his own way,,,Wink

@KraZee: OKAY people,,,finally a reader who commented without torment,,,you my dear shall go down in the history of RBO forum,,,,everyone here has been tormented by me to comment,,,,LOLLOLLOL...THANKS SO MUCH....Big smile...now don;t disappear ,,,do continue commenting!!!Embarrassed

@shanakrocks: Aww sweetie,,,thanks so much for saying thatBig smile

@ Ammu: yes dear,,, my Shaan is Embarrassed...hai na...woh bilkul lovable burdthal!!!! thanks re..

@ Shriya: Thanks re,,,Ummm....btw,,,don;t know photography....that post where I said so....I was completely being sarcastic,,,, LOL...hope you enjoyed that reply tooLOL

@Gaayu: You cameEmbarrassed....you clappedEmbarrassed...what more could I ask for??

@Krishna: YOUR PINK DOES ME IN... every time... every time.... love you for it...Big smile

@Wooster: I am so glad you like the part,,,i was a bit worried becos you did say,,,get on with his guilt,,,,as for a script,,,I get what you are saying,,,my narrative is very dialogue oriented ,,,maybe thats the reason,,,,I was obsessed with golden RBO dialogues...Ummm ,,,I guess everyone knows thatLOL,,,thanks re,,,your comments mean a lot..as for burning the guitar,,,Hmmm..chal kuch sochte hain!!

@Jessica: Thank you

@Angel; Hope you like the next part too

@Deepalil: Thanks re

@Simi: Aww...sweetie...your comments sure made my day,,,what with you back after so long and allBig smile

@all who pressed like: Abhar!!!Big smile

Next part coming soon...........




Edited by saaaz - 23 January 2011 at 8:31pm

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angel_9rafia 24kubareThe_May_Rose-Deepali-

bones88 IF-Stunnerz
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Joined: 14 August 2005
Posts: 27340

Posted: 23 January 2011 at 8:08pm | IP Logged
SaaazHugHugHugHug sorry yaar... I have been out town of last week.. soo thats why I am bit delayed with everythingLOL.... coming back to the update... I seriously wished u were the writer of RBO.... just lovee the way u wrote the entire situation....very well writtenStarHeart.. please continue soonHug

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

saaaz

saaaz IF-Dazzler
saaaz
saaaz

Joined: 30 November 2010
Posts: 4210

Posted: 23 January 2011 at 9:11pm | IP Logged
and turns himself in ' to a blissful night's sleep '.one which after a long time does not wake him up in cold sweat
 
PART IV
 
An unfamiliar hand wakes up Khanak. She wakes up to find Madhavi looking down at her and just a few feet behind her is Khusboo. Khanak takes at least a whole minute to get out of her sleep and fully wake up,,,, her confusion apparent on her face,,, since Madhavi says,,,,
 
Mad:  Oh God!!, itni shocked mat lago,,,utho humein tumse kuch baat karni hai.
Khanak: (sitting on the bed):  Mummyji sab theek to hai,,,
Boo: Gosh!!! Tum kiss mitti ki bani ho, itna sab kuch ho gaya and TUM hamein pooch rahee ho sab theek hai,,,
Mad: (turning slightly towards Boo): Khusboo, ek minute ,,(turning back to KFD),,,yeh kya hai?? (thrusting out crumpled newspaper in her hand) tumne Suraj ki tasveer ko is newspaper mein lapetke store room mein kyun rakha?? Aur aise rakha ki mere haath se gir gaya,
Khanak: KYA???
Mad:  Don't worry, sirf frame toot gaya, usse theek karvaane bhej diya hai
Khanak: Hey Bhagwan, Mummyji,,,, tootne ka kya matlab ho sakta hai abshagun tho nahin???,,,
Mad: What rubbish!!
Boo: Maine aapse kahan tha na,,,,
Mad: ek minute (and she sits on the bed) okay come on,,,, ab bolo,,,yeh sab kya ho raha hai?? Kya baat hai jo tumhe khayee jaa rahee hai??
 
In the study, Shaan wakes up to voices, not unfamiliar, but unlikely,,, as he opens his eyes,, he sees Dharam and Harilal animatedly discussing something, he cannot wait to leave the room and join his wife,,,so gets up,,,
 
Dharam: Arrey Shaan baba,, app uth gaye??
Shaan: Hmm,, tum dono yahaan kya kar rahe ho??
Dharam: Woh main GreenyRed se keh raha tha ki iss sofe ko iss room se kaise nikal sakte hain,,
Shaan: KYA??? Yeh sofa ab kahan jaa raha hai?
Dharam: Wapas aapke room mei,,, poochiye kyun?
Shaan: Of course main poochonga'WHY the hell??? KYUUN??
Dharam: Kyunki Khanak madam ne kahan hai
Shaan: KYA??!!! Khanak ne ,,,
(While he contemplates, Dharam and Harilal are already positioning themselves to lift the sofa)
Shaan (immediately trying to stop them): Hello hello,,,,, tum dono yeh kya kar rahe ho??? yeh sofa kahin nahin jaa raha,,okay'
Harilal (in a small voice): Lekin bhabhijee ne tho'.
Dharam : Haan,,, Khanak madam ne kahan hai,,to karna hi padega,,,poocho Kyun?
SHaan:  Main iss baar kuch nahin poochne walla,,,,, aur haan tumse tho bilkul nahin,,,aur Harilal,, tum isse niche rakho aur tum dono chalo yahaan se'(pointing his finger towards them and the to the door)
 
Dharam and Harilal leave while Shaan realizes his wife is angry,,, but that irritates him even more,,, she is angry,,,but so was he,,,that does not mean the sofa will go back to their bedroom,, 'hello no way!",,'abhi batata hoon",,,, and rushes to their bedroom. But in the bedroom,, there is no one except harilal who is cleaning up,, this guy lands up everywhere,, he thinks,,and suddenly from the corner of his eye notices the tray harilal is holding,, it has three used cups and a crumpled newspaper. ,stops him and asks,,
 
Shaan: "yeh teen cup kahan se aaye?",
Harilal:  Woh Khusboo bhabi aur badi madam ne chai aaj subah yahin pee!
Shaan:  Acha?! Jao!,,, What is happening in this house?  Extremely perplexed, decides to deal with it after taking a shower.
 
Shaantanu enters the kitchen to find Khanak instructing Hari lal ,,, 'not again!!!',,,
 
Shaan: Khanak,,
Khanak (ignoring Shaan):  Haribha,, aap yeh dal baati pe tarka lagake zara upar chaliye,, aaj mujhe bahut saara kaam hai
Shaan: Khanak, suno na
Khanak: Hari bha, maine kaha na aap se,,, mujhe bahut saara kaam hai,,, aap yeh tray leke jayiye,,chaliye
(harilal leaves)
Shaan: Unbelievable, Khanak , main tumse and holds her arm,,,
Khanak: (in a cold voice) Chodiye mera haath!
Shaan: (taken aback leaves her hand and fists his fingers): Khanak, tumhe ho kya gaya hai? Main tumse kuch kehna chahta hoon
Khanak:  Mujhe aapki koyi baat nahin sunni
Shaan: Acha,, tho theek hai,,,chali jao
Khanak (gives him a glare and begins to walk away)
Shaan: Soch lena,,, tum mujhse bahut pyaar karti ho,,, jyada der gussa nahin reh sakti'
Khanak: Haan, main aapse bahut pyaar karti hoon aur aap bhi mujhse'lekin pyaar karne se jyaada nibhana bhi padta hai Shaantanu,,, (and leaves the kitchen)
Shaan: (moves his fisted hand up and down): What nibhana Yaar??? !!!!  (finally banging his fisted hand over the kitchen counter) Damnitttt!!!
 
Shaan walks towards the dining table to join the rest of the family for breakfast and watches his wife serve and smile like she has no clue how she has just made him feel,,, like as though she cannot seem to see his anger, his restlessness, his madness,, his urge to want to make everything alright,, his unsurity of it all happening the way he wants it. How can she be so oblivious to it all? is she not as scared as he is? As unsure? Is he the only naive one here? ,,,
 
Shaan sits down at the table, hoping his wife shall join him seated in the next seat, unfortunately she sits down near his father,, time for that fisted hand again. He turns towards his plate,, loses his apetite, looks up to see his mom and dad chatting about something. Khanak comes out of the kitchen, again, with some water and serves him some, she does not even look at him,, the damn glass into which she is pouring the water is getting her undivided attention,,, and she goes back to her seat. He drinks the water, when suddenly,,
 
Sunil: Khanak, tum kuch dinon ke liye Dhulwaadi kyon nahin ho aati?
Mad: Haan, is bachi ka tho poora parivaar hain wahan,, jabse tumhare who mangal bha vaghere gaye hai,, tumhein tho fursat hi kahan mili hai?
Shaan (holding the glass on the table): MOM!!!
Sunil: No, Shaan, I think Madhavi theek keh rahi hai,,, dekho,,, Khanak yahaan ghar pe akele poora din bore hoti hogee,,,aur tum tho tumhare concert ke chakaar mei aajkal der se bhi aane lage ho,,,kabhi tumhara concert tour ya launch ya band practice,,, arrey yeh bechari hospitalize ho gayi thee aur humein kissi ko pata bhi nahin chala.
Shaan is blistering, he is just about to voice what he wants to say when,,
Khanak: Haan, aap theek keh rahe hai Aada, mujhe bhi apne maike ki bahut yaad aa rahi hai,,, main bhi sabse milna chahtee hoon,,
Sunil: Haan beta, ho aao,,, but promise me ,,, sirf kuch hi dino ke liye'theek kai?!
 
Shaan and Khanak look at each other,,, Shaan does not care what she is thinking right now,,,he does not,,,how can he when the amount of anger and hurt in his heart is making up for both their feelings. Khanak is begging him to understand through her eyes,,, but realizes it is too late.
 
Shaan bangs the glass on the table and wants to fist his hands, but cannot,,, they are sweaty and they seek her's,,,automatically fist themselves,,,he walks out of the house,,, Khanak runs up the stairs to their bedroom before anyone can notice the tears falling down her cheeks. Sunil and Madhavi are concerned, while Khusboo looks at Akki and follows Khanak upstairs..
 
Akshay follows his brother to see him leaning onto the car and contemplating,,,
 
Akki: Shaan?
Shaan: (moves away from the car, animatedly):  Dekha Dekha Bhaiya,,,,wohi hua,,,, wohi hua jiska mujhe darr tha,,,,
Akki: Kya hua??
Shaan: Kya hua?? !!! Suna nahi??,,,, woh jaa rahi hai,,Khanak mujhe chodhke uske paas jaa rahi hai,,(pointing his finger to nobody)
Akki: Kiske paas??
Shaan: Wohi uss Suraj ke paas,,,
Akki: (holding him by his shoulders) Shaan,,,,Suraj mar chukka hai,,, Khanak Dhulwaadi jaa rahi hai,,bus!
Shaan: (with tears in his eyes) : Lekin wahan kyun jaa rahi hai woh??  Kya woh reh legi mere bina???!!!
Akki: (opening the car door and guiding Shaan into it): Shaan, you are losing it,,, chal drive pe chalte hain,, chal!!!
 
Khusboo watches Khanak's tears, ignores them just as she ignores the fact that Khanak is attempting to pack clothes into that petti of her's,,, but decides to ask details about the things placed next to it....
 
Boo: Yeh petti tum rakh sakti ho,,,because it is quite kitchy and cute,,,lekin inn sab ka kya??
Khanak: Bhabhee main inhe aap jaise keh rahe thay jala nahin sakti,,,
Boo: Arrey jalaane ke liye kaun keh raha hai? Woh tho maine kiya tha, apne ex-boyfriend ke cheezon ke saath,,, dekho Khanak,,, iss kisse ko band karne ke liye,,,,tumhe inn cheezo ka kuch tho karna padega,,, you need closure!!!
Khanak: KLO??!!! Kya???
Boo: CLOSURE!!! Suraj ka kissa hamesha ke liye khatam karo,,,taaki tum Shaan ke saath aage badh sako,,
Khanak: Lekin Main tho Shaantanu ke saath bahut aage badh chukee hoon
Boo: OH God!!! Mujhe woh details nahin chahiye please,,,okay forget it'(lifts the sun locket),, yeh kya hai?
Khanak: Yeh Suraj ka gale ka locket tha,,, hamesha pehenta tha,,, achi hai na,,,???
Boo: bilkul nahin'ek tho yeh bahut badaa hai aur upar se isse koyi ladka pehenta tha,,,agar isse ek lambi si chain main daal de,,,,tho it is going to look so good,,,
Khanak: THo aap rakh lijiyee na,,,,aapke koyi lambi chain mei dalke pehen lijiye,,,
Boo: What??/ Are you sure??
Khanak: Haan,,,Main inhe jala nahin sakti lekin kya kehte hain,,,,KLOSH'.
Boo: CLOSURE
Khanak: Haan, KLOSHAR ke liye bhent (gift) tho sakti hoon..
 
Khusboo looks on admirably at Khanak and wonders how much luck is Akshay having with Shaan...

--


Review Mandatory

the next part shall be the concluding part.  Haan baba,,, usmei shanak hi shanak,,,,Big smile


Edited by saaaz - 23 January 2011 at 10:02pm

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