Posted: 20 January 2011 at 10:15pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Polki_Zofi#sia.k_1: What is DIMRI? (ah everytime I feel I'm getting some hold on Hindi, something comes up saying I know nothing ).
Yes the touching of feet thing was something he didn't teach me (but he ofcourse keep giving me tips, this one he missed), but I learnt it from the internet , and gave all a surprise . But this is not what I highlighted, the thing was "expectation". I tried to say that when it was me, it was something very different (atleast clearly visible) than when it is my sister in law (who is an Indian). Ofcourse in both cases they are pleased ... but the magnitudes and affect which lasts is something very different. If you read that para again you will see, I tried to describe that. I think Akshara has massive expectations in her back.
This difference of treatment to your son's wife and own daughter is something not uncommon anywhere. It is natural too I feel. In this case Akshara is on the losing end, but in many cases I'm sure (I can naturally recall my case most clearly) the daughter in law is also sometimes benefited. Perhaps again, expectations from the person differs. Human perspective is designed like this. The Indian girl is perhaps expected to behave in certain ways, and her such behavior is taken as granted, however anything other than that might create lots of negativity. However, imagine a western girl (white, Catholic) who did perhaps 10% of the Indian things, and it is something not so expected of her, it makes quite a difference, quite a visible difference changing the course of affections!! (beautifully so ofcourse , who won't love it?).
In the beginning I would come over to the sitting room and stuff myself closer to my husband, pull my legs up on the sofa and be cosy leaning my head on his shoulders, holding his arm (not to mention I noticed he got shy ). It is something natural to me. But when I realized that it was something offensive, and sat at a distance from next day, and putting my legs down when my father in law or mother in law were around ... or sat near my sister in law (not hugging her ), it made a difference. Little things brought me closer to my mother in law. I appreciate things I learnt, and affection need not be displayed among all, is a good thing I want to keep.
However, I was not attacked for it. Imagine had my sister in law did something like this in her in-laws place (where she will need to live in ... another really unusual thing for me), will it be taken easily and a second chance given so simply?
Also no one minds me wearing my shirts. t-shirts ... pants (ofcourse I don't wear shorts in here, I am not so silly , neither do I wear it back home in public, but in home ofcourse with my husband as the only other guy). But I wonder if people will be ok with my sister in law doing the same in her in laws place.
My calculation says, its all about EXPECTATIONS ... you meet the expectations, no one turns around and looks, they are normal. You go above the expectations, they turn in joy and appreciation. You go below the expectations, the STORM heads towards you ... .
i understand what you're trying to say..i so much agree with you...westerners have a completely diff. image of India in their mind and i've heard that they r surprised when they see so much modernism creeping into our culture..it's a reality..our society is evolving and tv serials hardly project the REAL women of today !
Indian families and Indian homes r very complicated...yes, there are tons of expectations specially from the girl but it's upto the girl herself how she deals with it....few of them bow down, few resist, few adjust and few of them does a mixture of all this according to the situation
therez a vast difference in the thinking of ppl. 50 yrs back and now..at that time, girls were not allowed to study, they were not asked their permission to get married..but now, parents have become so much aware, they want to educate the girl child bec. they know it's gonna help her in the future..they r not dependent anymore...they have their own thinking ...after marriage, the in laws too r adjusting...now u will find a lot of ppl. who'd like to have a working girl as their DIL so that she contributes in the family income...cooking, cleaning, raising kids etc.
is not the only expectation from married girls....
touching the feet of elders is just a form of greeting...like hello or namaste or hugging...and i find it very convinient...toh i never complained about it...
of course, in conservatives families, the bahu will be expected to do everything the way in laws tell her...and most of the time, there will be a clash b/w 2 generations in such households...coz the new gen. will obviously not like these old customs.....frm there, the problem starts...the girl is in dilemma as to who she should support..whether she should do what her husband likes or what her in laws like ! the solutions that WE offer , that akshara must do this n that, they will prolly not work out with everyone
bec. every person's POV is diff..some ppl. r more adjusting than others....prolly the best solution is to deal with every problem individually...sometimes do what u feel is right, sometimes follow ur husband's order, sometimes do as ur in laws say...akshara however does only the last one toh all of us r
whether she belongs to this generation or no ! can u believe she refused to watch movies or go out with her husband bec. her in laws don't like it?
as a bahu, yes, i can relate to akshara's problems...after marriage, i realized that the girl has to develop a diff. relation & understanding with her MIL, just like akshara...the husband must not interfere ...BUT at the same time, there should be a bonding b/w husband and wife also..understanding b/w them at a diff. level in which the influence of in laws must not be there...which is absent in akshara n naitik's relation...bec. akshara never let it happen...
Edited by _charu_ - 20 January 2011 at 10:15pm