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confused.. (Page 3)

Serendipity.. IF-Sizzlerz
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Serendipity..

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Posted: 20 January 2011 at 8:41am | IP Logged
^ DIMRI is not a hindi wordLOL she's the YRKKH creativeOuch...

Ah. tht was a lovely explanation..some things went above my head(me in 12thLOL,not an excuse thoughWink)..but i do understand some points u mentioned as i too lived in a joint family for quite some time...luckily, my mom was treated as a daughter......Big smile

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moonlight08

Polki_Zofi Senior Member
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Posted: 20 January 2011 at 8:53am | IP Logged
So your mom must be the lucky one Smile. I don't live in the joint family, just my first visit to India after my marriage with him, and also my sister-in-laws marriage is due. I've been married for 3 years now (it is the 4th year), and he came India after all 5 years! Also we plan to have a special gift of the Lord for us now Smile. So it is a good reason for a long stay, and will stay a few months more till her marriage. Wonderful taste of everything I got, better than expectation Big smile!!!




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Posted: 20 January 2011 at 10:15pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Polki_Zofi

#sia.k_1: What is DIMRI? Smile (ah everytime I feel I'm getting some hold on Hindi, something comes up saying I know nothing Ouch).

Yes the touching of feet thing was something he didn't teach me (but he ofcourse keep giving me tips, this one he missed), but I learnt it from the internet Cool, and gave all a surprise Approve. But this is not what I highlighted, the thing was "expectation". I tried to say that when it was me, it was something very different (atleast clearly visible) than when it is my sister in law (who is an Indian). Ofcourse in both cases they are pleased ... but the magnitudes and affect which lasts is something very different. If you read that para again you will see, I tried to describe that. I think Akshara has massive expectations in her back.

This difference of treatment to your son's wife and own daughter is something not uncommon anywhere. It is natural too I feel. In this case Akshara is on the losing end, but in many cases I'm sure (I can naturally recall my case most clearly) the daughter in law is also sometimes benefited. Perhaps again, expectations from the person differs. Human perspective is designed like this. The Indian girl is perhaps expected to behave in certain ways, and her such behavior is taken as granted, however anything other than that might create lots of negativity. However, imagine a western girl (white, Catholic) who did perhaps 10% of the Indian things, and it is something not so expected of her, it makes quite a difference, quite a visible difference changing the course of affections!! (beautifully so ofcourse Big smile, who won't love it?).

In the beginning I would come over to the sitting room and stuff myself closer to my husband, pull my legs up on the sofa and be cosy leaning my head on his shoulders, holding his arm (not to mention I noticed he got shy LOL). It is something natural to me. But when I realized that it was something offensive, and sat at a distance from next day, and putting my legs down when my father in law or mother in law were around ... or sat near my sister in law (not hugging her Big smile), it made a difference. Little things brought me closer to my mother in law. I appreciate things I learnt, and affection need not be displayed among all, is a good thing I want to keep.

However, I was not attacked for it. Imagine had my sister in law did something like this in her in-laws place (where she will need to live in ... another really unusual thing for me), will it be taken easily and a second chance given so simply?

Also no one minds me wearing my shirts. t-shirts ... pants (ofcourse I don't wear shorts in here, I am not so silly Big smile, neither do I wear it back home in public, but in home ofcourse with my husband as the only other guy). But I wonder if people will be ok with my sister in law doing the same in her in laws place.

My calculation says, its all about EXPECTATIONS ... you meet the expectations, no one turns around and looks, they are normal. You go above the expectations, they turn in joy and appreciation. You go below the expectations, the STORM heads towards you ... OuchLOL.




i understand what you're trying to say..i so much agree with you...westerners have a completely diff. image of India in their mind and i've heard that they r surprised when they see so much modernism creeping into our culture..it's a reality..our society is evolving and tv serials hardly project the REAL women of today ! 

Indian families and Indian homes r very complicated...yes, there are tons of expectations specially from the girl but it's upto the girl herself how she deals with it....few of them bow down, few resist, few adjust and few of them does a mixture of all this  according to the situation Big smile therez a vast difference in the thinking of ppl. 50 yrs back and now..at that time, girls were not allowed to study, they were not asked their permission to get married..but now, parents have become so much aware, they want to educate the girl child bec. they know it's gonna help her in the future..they r not dependent anymore...they have their own thinking ...after marriage, the in laws too r adjusting...now  u will find a lot of ppl. who'd like to have a working girl as their DIL so that she contributes in the family income...cooking, cleaning, raising kids etc. 
is not the only expectation from married girls....

touching the feet of elders is just a form of greeting...like hello or namaste or hugging...and i find it very convinient...toh i never complained about it...

of course,  in conservatives families, the bahu will be expected to do everything the way in laws tell her...and most of the time, there will be a clash b/w 2 generations in such households...coz the new gen. will obviously not like these old customs.....frm there, the problem starts...the girl is in dilemma as to who she should support..whether she should do what her husband likes or what her in laws like ! the solutions that WE offer , that akshara must do this n that, they will prolly not work out with everyone Big smile bec. every person's POV is diff..some ppl. r more adjusting than others....prolly the best solution is to deal with every problem individually...sometimes do what u feel is right, sometimes follow ur husband's order, sometimes do as ur in laws say...akshara however does only the last one toh all of us r Shocked whether she belongs to this generation or no ! can u believe she refused to watch movies or go out with her husband bec. her in laws don't like it? 

as a bahu, yes, i can relate to akshara's problems...after marriage, i realized that the girl has to develop a diff. relation & understanding with her MIL, just like akshara...the husband must not interfere ...BUT at the same time, there should be a bonding b/w husband and wife also..understanding b/w them at a diff. level in which the influence of in laws must not be there...which is absent in akshara n naitik's relation...bec. akshara never let it happen...


Edited by _charu_ - 20 January 2011 at 10:15pm

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Vertzmoonlight08Serendipity..

Polki_Zofi Senior Member
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Posted: 21 January 2011 at 6:05am | IP Logged
#_charu_: Yes, in India many things are changing. But I can only hope the good things and some of the values don't change.

May be then as someone said, it is something that depends on each family or individual, but in an aggregate way, there are certain obligations (sometimes good, sometimes a little excessive) which are generally carried out. My sister in law wanted to carry on her Master studies but then the marriage needed to come first. She was given the opportunity to select her liking, but there was an obligation of marriage which was to take priority above her Master studies. It is of course an arranged marriage in Indian style.

You know, arranged marriages are not really non-existent atleast in Poland (and I believe in other European countries as well). But it is of a different nature. Sometimes the aunts or the elder relatives (if any) arrange a date for a preferred boy and their daughter, so that they get to know each other and perhaps consider a life together as a pair. In this of course the end decision is with the girl or the boy. Which kind of man she wants, or which kind of woman he wants.

I read somewhere in this forum about the possibility of Indian men not wanting their wives to be working after marriage is about 50-50. If it is so, I think its normal? ... If he is respectful of her, and he thinks that he can bear the expenses of the household and needs her to assist him in managing the expenditure, children, purchases etc then I find no harm there personally. Ofcourse, she should be free to chose the man for her freely (just as he should be free to chose the woman who can suit him). Also, if necessity arises, it should be natural that she would also work and participate in the income to support their family, this can be an understanding which is not only fare but very practical for him too, and their family (which belongs equally to him and her, and thus priority is to keep it functional).

As for Akshara now, she is not only bound by expectations, but she have lived a very sheltered life. In such instances, the first thing that comes to her mind is the shelter perhaps. While Naitik, being such a nice man, ends up bearing this distance from her. I for one cannot think of such a mindset or circumstance, but I am me and she is a fictional character representing a very traditional Indian girl? (many ofcourse said that she do not represent anything, while others say she definitely does).

However, Naitik does bear her, but never in joy. He seems to be getting more insecure, and needs a life partner who is not so submissive or detached from him. He is quite modern in his approach to life too. Akshara perhaps would need to realize that her relationship with her husband is not doing particularly well, although it looks warm enough due to the values each of them hold. But if hearts get distanced, then what good will Akshara's in-laws be to her?

Wonder if Naitik asks for a separate living, I presume she will outright refuse and might add some drama by refusing to come with him infront of all those rigid people LOL. I can read the trend of attitudes so well eh CoolApproveBig smile. But that would be humiliating to him, and in such a condition if he reconsiders his life, will that be abnormal? She needs to hold on to her life soon perhaps, and evaluate what is supposed to be what for her.

Respect and tradition is great and beautiful, but the world evolves, and so does people in it ... and if the person she is supposed to be in love has evolved, she might start thinking of adjusting with his needs too. His needs are not abnormal either.
Smile

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Posted: 21 January 2011 at 7:05am | IP Logged
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Posted: 21 January 2011 at 10:47am | IP Logged
Originally posted by moonlight08

i just realised one thing.. akshara is the only bahu in her house.. can it be one of the reasons for her behaving this way.??


she is a grade 1 fool..i just know that..and all her rules r diff. for naitik..she can become daku rani for bhola and dhaniya n dare to reply back baisa but she shut up naitik everytime he says a word to baisa..double standards for him only.....singhania's ka trademark..why should akshara singhania be left out Dead

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