Posted: 12 January 2011 at 5:15pm | IP Logged
I always feel sad but today I feel like talking to someone, because I am dying inside. Am I bad??
I am 30 years old. I got married seven years ago, to a guy whom I am unable to love. He is a sweet, innocent person. I hate myself for ruining his life. About 7 years ago I told my dad that I wanted to marry my boyfriend and he told me to choose either my family or the guy and stupid me choose my family. I got marry with my husband. We did not had any physical relation for year and half because physically it was painful for me to have sex. I was working full time, night shift and my husband was studying to become pharmacists. I met a guy at work and I had physical relationship with him, our affair lasted for one and half year. He was married and had kids, I never expected him to leave his family for me. Finally we broke up. I did tried work out things between my husband and me but somehow I resented him for marrying me. After while I met this guy online and I started to have affair with him. I don't know why but I really fell for him. I started to love him so deeply. He wasn't living in the same state as me, but he used to come every 2 months to see me. He wasn't aware about me being married but I told him the truth. I also found out few things about him, he was trying to get divorce from his wife and was trying to get greencard. But I could feel his love towards me. I got closer to him, physically and emotionally and became distance with my husband. My husband had to leave the city for few months to get training so we were leaving apart. I made up a story to my boy friend and told him that my husband and I r getting divorce. In these days I felt more closer to my boyfriend. My family and my husband forced me to take vacation to stay with my husband. So I did that. I was just feeling very depressed and guilty for living a lie. One side I was telling lie to my boyfriend whom I loved so much and on the other side I was lying to my husband. One day I had fight with my boyfriend. He was stressed because he wasn't getting his papers. I so badly wanted to be with him and yet I was liying to him. I tried to kill myself, took sleeping pills. I was mentally out for 2 days, I wasn't aware of what happened. But my husband found about my boyfriend and my boy friend found about my husband. My dad found out about the whole thing, he told me he rather have me dead then see me getting divorce with my husband. He threatened me that he will expose at my work about me taking pills. He made me quite my job and forced me to stay with my husband. My husband didn't left me after finding the truth. I went and stayed with my husband and I met my boyfriend behind my husband's back. He was willing to be with me, but I told him that I couldn't leave my husband until my younger sister got married because it would be too hard for my parents to find a husband for her, if I got divorced. So we decided that we will start our life together after my sister gets married. Its been 1 yr now, my sister has not got married yet. I had one abortion, because I didn't know whose baby I was carrying, although I don't have sex with my husband but that one day I did had. I am not working anymore, I am just waiting for my sister's marriage. I don't know if things with my boyfriend will work out but I love him so much. I don't think I can surive without him. When my husband goes to work, I find myself in a corner crying. I feel guilty that one day I will leave my husband because it will ruin his life. If I stay with him then I'll never be happy because I can't forget my boyfriend. I feel mad at my parents for not supporting me. I tell my self everyday that if things don't work out between my boy friend and me, I will kill myself, but my sister has to get marry before I do anything. I don't want her to lose on life because of me. I have already ruined my life, I don't want ruin hers. I used to believe in god so much but now I have lost all my faith. I sleep in different room then my husband. Every night I ask god same question, why me??? Main to buri nahi thi, I always tried be good and I was until I got married. I see other couples with their kids and smiley faces and I burn in envy. I have done so much for my father, he has even admitted saying that I was there for him when no one was. Finacially emotionally I have done so much for him and today when remember him saying that I rather have u dead than lose my ijat, it just hurts me so much. I pray to god everyday that let this be my last night on earth, let me die aur jo kuch bhi mere jine ke sale hai woh mere parents ko dede. I just hate myself, you know when I was around 16 or something, I used to pray, used to call everyone's name in my family and used to say that give my happiness to them and give their all sorrows to me, meri umar unko lag jaye par unki umar bad jaye, unke paap muje mil jaye aur mere puniya unko. I think god hear my prayers, because right now I am left with all the sadness and sin, but those are my sins and my sadness, created by me. No I just pray to god that take me, I want to die. My life is not worth anything. I have betrayed my husband, he is not bad from heart and I know I will be never happy because he was innocent in everything. But I just don't love him. When he touches me I feel as some other men is touching me.
I thank you for reading my life, do you think ill go to hell, or will I be ever happy in life? Am I that bad, that my dad loves my husband more than me??