visrom IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 26 November 2009
Posts: 31277

Posted: 10 January 2011 at 1:25am | IP Logged
My comments. 
Story 1 : Deviation from plot. The plot specifies that the gold is for research and not jewellery. And the suitcase contains important documents. This part of the plot has been missed. Otherwise, good attempt. Reminded me of one episode - a khoon in a hotel and an auto driver's wife turns out to be a princess....something like that. LOLClap

Story 2: Deviation from plot again. Showed a 'sweet' side of Daya. Landed Sachin in trouble. Freddie gave some ideas.  The idea of Sachin's dark glasses getting clouded due to AC breeze is good. But really, do sunglasses get foggy in AC? I've never tried. Tongue Could have reduced some of the 'drama' as we are getting a bit too much of it on TV.

Story 3: Good one...stuck to plot, nice clues and fingerprint matching. Used our dear Fireworks' formula well.  Clap
Story 4: Merged 2 parallel plots into the story. The manner in which the suitcase was taken out by a man hidden in the dikki was very nice. Very good attempt . Pls write more stories. I had some confusion in understanding the hindi written in English for eg 'gher' for 'ghar' and 'kere' for 'kare'. But it's ok, sabka apna style hai.  I enjoyed it.StarClap
Story 5: Good story, it was in narrative form, but somehow I felt like I was reading Priya's update after an episode was over. There are other stories writtten in English too, but they gave a feel of some 'action' happening. Never mind, it's a good attempt, you have good ideas, do write more.  There were lot of murders happening, something which FW is famous for of late. Used some of the past episodes information very well - 571E1115, return of jewel thief etc. Good attempt. Clap
Story 6: Interesting story. Came very close to what I had in mind. The narration was good and stylish. Hope to read many more stories from you, not just for contests. (because I know this person has participated in a previous contest too)StarClap
Story 7: Good story. Had a downpour of laashes in true FW style, but no probs. Overall it was interesting. Hope to read more from you. Clap
Story 8: Just started, some people phasofied  Sachin, but this person has phasaofied Vivek!!! LOL 
Why did the AKA mood spill onto this story? While reading it, I started feeling sad, remembering the crap that isbeing shown. Disapprove Esp Abhijeet saying 'kuch hai toh tumhe hi bataaonga' and all. We are seeing all these being butchered on screen. 
Otherwise idea was good. hoping that AKA is also something like this and ends on a happy note.  Overall good story. Clap
Story 9: A drama of the cop being the real father of Raghu's son was introduced. Could have thought of something else, because we are getting an overdose of soapish stuff of late on TV too.
Overall it's ok. Good attempt.Clap
Story 10 and 11: read in a hurry, sorry, cannot post comments now. Will do so later. Will give marks now.

Edited by visrom - 15 January 2011 at 4:13am

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bhinder.thind IF-Dazzler

Joined: 03 April 2010
Posts: 4015

Posted: 10 January 2011 at 1:26am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Rashida13

Arre yaar, I'vent finished reading the stories yet.......

okay tell you easy way,.. as you are reading stories start posting comments one by one followed by editing your post.. understand what i mean na? same here.. as i am reading, i am making rough feedbacks ... but now on I pod, so will post as got home.. so you can start .,.. easy as wear and tear
shreela Goldie

Joined: 24 December 2009
Posts: 1509

Posted: 10 January 2011 at 2:24am | IP Logged

First of all, congrats to all story-writers. I guess everyone had done very nice job.Smile Now coming to the review:-

1st story- slight far from the given plot, but still a good one! The idea of secret treasure is quite interesting! Keep writing buddy!Thumbs Up

2nd story- nice try. Especially the emotional part of the young boy and his sister is very sweet. But sorry to say, the last scene of duo, is an unnecessary one. Another mistake I noticed, how could the jeweler notice the mark on the lady's neck, when she was in burqua? I know who is the writer, but may be I am not not permitted to write his name, so dear writer, plz try to avoid those useless dialogues. Otherwise, it's a quite good story.Approve

3rd story- very nice story. The main clue of the story is a different one! Like the story.Clap

4th story- awesome job! Superb plot, strong script, one of the best story in my opinion! Love it!ClapStar

5th story- good job, but it would be more nice to read if written in dialogue  format. Still, good work!Big smile

 Will post comments on other stories after finish reading.

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visrom IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 26 November 2009
Posts: 31277

Posted: 10 January 2011 at 5:07am | IP Logged
Ok, I read 3 stories and am in the middle of the 4th story. From 4 stories, I understand that the word 'gold' means jewellery to most of us. The little 'hint' in the story was that the  gold here was not jewellery but was used for some secret project.
Gold has many other applications besides making jewellery. You may look at the World Gold Council website.
Now, why I got this brainwave all of a sudden was because my dad used to work for the Dept of Atomic Energy. On one instance he had to pick up gold bars from RBI for his company. He had 2 cops accompanying him with huge rifles and travelled in one of those vehicles which come to refill ATMs with cash - with grilles and all. Nothing went wrong there, but I asked my dad as to what were they doing with all that gold and he said that it was used in electronics etc (I was too young to understand).
i was really expecting a better explanation of the 'gold' here. I wanted the 'gold' to lead into something more dangerous and our CID team cracking a much more complex case, not a simple chori ka case. I had hinted at that too in the plot. Just my frank opinion. probs. The chori cases are interesting too. I can see different ways in which someone can steal things from a car.  And let me read further....maybe the others have made use of this hint.....Smile

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shreela Goldie

Joined: 24 December 2009
Posts: 1509

Posted: 10 January 2011 at 7:24am | IP Logged
visrom di, may u plz change the font sizes of the stories? they are too small, difficult to read!Confused
visrom IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 26 November 2009
Posts: 31277

Posted: 10 January 2011 at 7:26am | IP Logged
Sorry yaar....some one else also asked me thru PM. I tried it and it became too messy...the sentences were all going haywire, breaking at odd places and all.
In the next contest, I'll specify the font size too.
If you are finding it difficult, pls use the View-.Zoom option on Internet Explorer.

Edited by visrom - 10 January 2011 at 7:27am
shreela Goldie

Joined: 24 December 2009
Posts: 1509

Posted: 10 January 2011 at 7:41am | IP Logged
Athene Viewbie

Joined: 30 November 2010
Posts: 122015

Posted: 10 January 2011 at 10:26am | IP Logged
I've just finished reading all the stories and I liked them. Many of them used our tried and tested Fireworks method and some of the famous dialogues, like Boss, Haan Daya LOL

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