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Love, Friendship, Dating & Relationships

my lost soul, help me

jaandu Newbie
jaandu
jaandu

Joined: 04 January 2011
Posts: 4

Posted: 04 January 2011 at 2:53pm | IP Logged

Hello

I always feel sad but today I feel like talking to someone, because I am dying inside.  Am I bad??

I am 30 years old.  I got married seven years ago, to a guy whom I am unable to love.  He is a sweet, innocent person.  I hate myself for ruining his life.  About 7 years ago I told my dad that I wanted to marry my boyfriend and he told me to choose either my family or the guy and stupid me choose my family.  I got marry with my husband.  We did not had any physical relation for year and half because physically it was painful for me to have sex.  I was working full time, night shift and my husband was studying to become pharmacists.  I met a guy at work and I had physical relationship with him, our affair lasted for one and half year.  He was married and had kids, I never expected him to leave his family for me.  Finally we broke up.  I did tried work out things between my husband and me but somehow I resented him for marrying me.  After while I met this guy online and I started to have affair with him.  I don't know why but I really fell for him.  I started to love him so deeply.  He wasn't living in the same state as me, but he used to come every 2 months to see me.  He wasn't aware about me being married but I told him the truth.  I also found out few things about him, he was trying to get divorce from his wife and was trying to get greencard.  But I could feel his love towards me.  I got closer to him, physically and emotionally and became distance with my husband.  My husband had to leave the city for few months to get training so we were leaving apart.  I made up a story to my boy friend and told him that my husband and I r getting divorce.  In these days I felt more closer to my boyfriend.  My family and my husband forced me to take vacation to stay with my husband.  So I did that.  I was just feeling very depressed and guilty for living a lie.  One side I was telling lie to my boyfriend whom I loved so much and on the other side I was lying to my husband.  One day I had fight with my boyfriend. He was stressed because he wasn't getting his papers.  I so badly wanted to be with him and yet I was liying to him.  I tried to kill myself, took sleeping pills.  I was mentally out for 2 days, I wasn't aware of what happened.  But my husband found about my boyfriend and my boy friend found about my husband.  My dad found out about the whole thing, he told me he rather have me dead then see me getting divorce with my husband.  He threatened me that he will expose at my work about me taking pills.  He made me quite my job and forced me to stay with my husband.  My husband didn't left me after finding the truth.  I went and stayed with my husband and I met my boyfriend behind my husband's back.  He was willing to be with me, but I told him that I couldn't leave my husband until my younger sister got married because it would be too hard for my parents to find a husband for her, if I got divorced.  So we decided that we will start our life together after my sister gets married.  Its been 1 yr now, my sister has not got married yet.  I had one abortion, because I didn't know whose baby I was carrying, although I don't have  sex with my husband but that one day I did had.  I am not working anymore, I am just waiting for my sister's marriage.  I don't know if things with my boyfriend will work out but I love him so much.  I don't think I can surive without him.  When my husband goes to work, I find myself in a corner crying.  I feel guilty that one day I will leave my husband because it will ruin his life.  If I stay with him then I'll never be happy because I can't forget my boyfriend.  I feel mad at my parents for not supporting me.  I tell my self everyday that if things don't work out between my boy friend and me, I will kill myself, but my sister has to get marry before I do anything.  I don't want her to lose on life because of me.  I have already ruined my life, I don't want ruin hers.  I used to believe in god so much but now I have lost all my faith.  I sleep in different room then my husband.  Every night I ask god same question, why me??? Main to buri nahi thi, I always tried be good and I was until I got married.  I see other couples with their kids and smiley faces and I burn in envy.  I have done so much for my father, he has even admitted saying that I was there for him when no one was.  Finacially emotionally I have done so much for him and today when remember him saying that I rather have u dead than lose my ijat, it just hurts me so much.  I pray to god everyday that let this be my last night on earth, let me die aur jo kuch bhi mere jine ke sale hai woh mere parents ko dede.  I just hate myself, you know when I was around 16 or something, I used to pray, used to call everyone's name in my family and used to say that give my happiness to them and give their all sorrows to me, meri umar unko lag jaye par unki umar bad jaye, unke paap muje mil jaye aur mere puniya unko.  I think god hear my prayers, because right now I am left with all the sadness and sin, but those are my sins and my sadness, created by me.  No I just pray to god that take me, I want to die.  My life is not worth anything.  I have betrayed my husband, he is not bad from heart and I know I will be never happy because he was innocent in everything.  But I just don't love him.  When he touches me I feel as some other men is touching me. 

I thank you for reading my life, do you think ill go to hell, or will I be ever happy in life?  Am I that bad, that my dad loves my husband more than me??

.Anamika. IF-Dazzler
.Anamika.
.Anamika.

Joined: 05 June 2006
Posts: 4740

Posted: 04 January 2011 at 4:08pm | IP Logged

This is really serious. I'm not going to judge you and say what you did was bad or wrong. I would not have done what you did but I don't think I have a right to comment on your life and deem your decisions wrong. You need to consult a therapist and fast! If you're thinking of suicide – this is really serious and it needs to end.

Also, your boyfriend found out about what you did and is still okay with it? Imagine if you leave your husband right now and go to him instead. 10- 15 or even 25+ years later, what if he does the same thing to you that you did to your husband? Won't that just break your heart? If your husband is still sticking with you, I think he deserves another chance. Maybe you should take things slower with him. Go on dates. Watch fun movies together. Try to build a friendship. And maybe something else might grow from there. But that's just my opinion.

But again, if you are thinking of killing yourself, consult a psychologist immediately! That should be your first priority!

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versajaandu.Selena-Lauren.Reine..Bebolove..

versa Newbie
versa
versa

Joined: 24 August 2007
Posts: 11

Posted: 05 January 2011 at 4:41pm | IP Logged
Agreed with Anamika. Please visit a therapist as soon as possible. Second, take a break from everyone (your husband, your current boyfriend, and your family) and think for and about yourself. Third, don't give yourself so much importance. Every one gets what is written in one's life. No one's life is going to get ruined if you think for yourself and your interest before others. Your husband has chosen to stay with you for whatever reason. That's his choice and not your fault.

By the way, have you ever asked your husband about how he felt about your relationship and infidelity? Why is he still with you? Honestly speaking, if he doesn't leave you. You do have the choice to leave, if you want to. Why bother or care about what others say, especially if you are already dead for them?

But first, see a therapist. NO problem in life that can't be solved. Ending life is not a solution.

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jaandu..Bebolove..

jaandu Newbie
jaandu
jaandu

Joined: 04 January 2011
Posts: 4

Posted: 06 January 2011 at 11:36am | IP Logged
Thank you guys for your replies.  My husband says that he loves me and is afraid that this other guy is going to ruin my life and that's why he stayed with me.  But he also worries about what will people say if they found out the truth.  I have tried to love him but I don't have any feelings for him.  Right now, guilt is killing me.  On one side I want to leave but on the other side, I am afraid to lose my family.  Once again thank you for your replies. 
versa Newbie
versa
versa

Joined: 24 August 2007
Posts: 11

Posted: 06 January 2011 at 11:53pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by jaandu

Thank you guys for your replies.  My husband says that he loves me and is afraid that this other guy is going to ruin my life and that's why he stayed with me.  But he also worries about what will people say if they found out the truth.  I have tried to love him but I don't have any feelings for him.  Right now, guilt is killing me.  On one side I want to leave but on the other side, I am afraid to lose my family.  Once again thank you for your replies. 

Hmm. Perhaps, you and your husband should try couple's therapy. Also, your husband and you should both think for your own and your happiness as a couple/non-couple first. Unless you are living someplace where your life will be in danger because of your actions, you and your husband really should forget about what society is going to think. Both of you really ought to stop caring about what other people are going to think or say. Other people are not living your miserable life. Besides, even if people talk, they will talk for days, months, at most years or whatever. Then they will forget about it.  How does that really affect you or them? You will just know who your real friends are.

Also, is your husband's concern about the other guy valid? Is the fellow worth it? Or are you just trying to use this guy as a crutch to escape what you feel is your miserable life with your husband? As to the guilt, you can overcome it by coming clean with your husband...tell him the truth. 

You know, you are going to stay miserable as long as you don't come to a decision. My advice to you is to define your problem and options -- pros and cons of your situation, what will make YOU happy -- and then come to a solution --- what are you willing to live with happily --- and then have the guts to embrace the consequences -- consciously make a commitment to live your life based on your decision, without wanting to kill yourself or make yourself miserable. Also, I suggest you involve yourself in social activities and service of others (better than sitting at home, and continue to brood about your situation -- there are so many people out there who are more unfortunate than you are) and life will slowly get better. And oh, get your job back -- especially if your husband is supportive of it....and may want to make your husband your friend first -- figure out what are the things that you like about him, what is it about him that could or doesn't let you fall in love, etc. etc...if you decide to stay with him, that is. LIke I said, assess all your options, and good luck. 
smartguygiyo Newbie
smartguygiyo
smartguygiyo

Joined: 09 January 2011
Posts: 1

Posted: 09 January 2011 at 12:54am | IP Logged
its hard wat you are going thru.i tink ur husband is concernd abt you.may b he knows wat you r goin through n dnt want othrs to take advantage of u.u both hav to go to a relationship counselling.
Miss.Netherland IF-Rockerz
Miss.Netherland
Miss.Netherland

Joined: 06 January 2006
Posts: 7186

Posted: 29 May 2011 at 1:01pm | IP Logged
Forgive yourself. A honest advice.
Tell your husband from a-z everything.. Forget your bf he seems to be into getting a green card.
Gorget everything and start praying . It will heal your wounds.

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Jugnu_244

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