Posted: 03 January 2011 at 11:16pm | IP Logged
This season is tepid. Dhamaal thoda kam hai. Teen ka bhi tadka pheeka hai. Judges ne kar di buri haal hai. So I decided I will add my own tadka. Every week (read whenever I have time and a flash of inspiration) I will invite a special celebrity correspondent guest to give their vishesh tippani and feedback on Jhalak Dikhla Jaa. Disclaimer: I believe in equal opportunity hatred. Everyone will be hated equally in my programs. This is all in good humor to make people laugh, so please take it seriously and cry over it. The title says politically incorrect so don't be a captain obvious and point it out again. I'm a an off beat humorist my style is absurdity - if you have been enduring reality shows then you must be used to all forms of it. Please continue at your own risk.
So on this here fine chilly January day in Wisconsin, I took a trip across frigid Canada to bring this weeks celebrity guest live for you on JDJ. Please put your hands together for Alaska's Maverick former Governor and future President of the United States Sarah Palin.
Photo Caption: Sarah Palin when she discovered that KSG could single handedly beat all the Republicans and Democrats in USA put together at the polls.
Since she is a tea party candidate I reluctantly put away grandmother's delicious filter coffee and served her chai tea. She took delight in the fact that chai is tea and she is essentially drinking tea tea. Her platform will be the chai tea party for 2012 or a double concentration of tea tea.
Enough of the chatter, now for some serious talk. Palin's review of today's performances.
(Note: For best affect imagine Sarah Palin on Fox News speaking these words in her typical accent)
Hi viewers of Jock Dick Jee, I am so privelegious to be here speaking to you about your contestants. As you know my daughter Bristol was top three in Dancing With the Stars this year. So I have seen dance with my own eyes and am quite knowledgeable to share my very expert opinion with you.
I was very excited to see Mr. Shocker do the Paso Doble. As you all know Paso Doble is a Latin Dance invented in El Paso, Texas. It is inspired by the Texas cowboys fighting the bulls. Now I am not a fan of Latinos because you always wonder if they are here legally, but this is a dance inspired by hunting and killing animals. As you all know, I really love hunting and killing animals. So the Paso Doble is my favorite dance of them all.
But I was extremely disappointed by the dance. Oooh hunting is a very aggressive sport and the Paso is all about aggression. You have to have the right spirit, the right posture and all that energy and passion - you know like an angry tea partier. I was quite shocked that Mr. Shocker had his hands limp and flapping like some ballerina performing Swan Lake.
Then again I am not familiar with your Indian culture. Maybe the Indian Paso is about hunting Swans. The girls appeared to be like graceful swans and Shocker was like hunter wading in the water trying to swat the swans dead. The Swans flutter and dance around him while he flaps and waddles and splashes to kill them. In the end the hunter is successful and the Swans are dead. To think of it, that is so beautiful. Makes me want to visit India for Swan hunting season.
Oooh and then that Daya is a strapping young man. Nice booty. He reminds me of an NFL player. Over here in Dancing With the Stars our NFL players do very well. We love our football players obsessively. But I hear in India they like the soap stars. Over here soaps play in day time and are watched by housewives both real and desperate. Has Daya considered trying out for NFL. I'm sure he could be a might fine quarterback.
Anyway I was excited to see him perform, because I like football like men. It was very fun and exciting to watch. Your Indian dances are so exciting and unique. So much color, so much thrusting and all that hip shaking. Like how do you do it? How do you seriously do it? I mean even your men can thrust and hip shake like nobody's business. All that bulky awkwardness just thrusting and hip shaking around the dance floor so beautifully. I would have voted for him if I was Indian. I even considered going to the nearest reservation and asking if i can vote there.
Then I found out something very disturbing. You took a beautiful young girl and dressed her like a boy. You folded her hair short like a boy. You had her gyrate and dance like a boy. You had her dance and woo that other girl. Have you people ever considered how wrong that is? Have you considered how confusing that can be to her gender identity? What will you do if she grows up and thinks its ok to dress like a boy, act like a boy, and dance with other girls like that? I can't believe you people can show such cross dressing and gender bending programming on family television. In our these here fine United States, land of the free and brave such cross dressing and inappropriate behavior would be deleted from prime time. The perverts can watch such things on HBO, but not with cross dressing grown ups....not children.
Ah the Sushi Saint came up to the modern contemporary. They don't do modern contemporary here on Dancing with the stars. I'm not sure why. Probably because Len Goodman is very old and he does not know anything modern or contemporary. He is very old and old fashioned and traditional and very nitpicky. You should be glad he is not judging. I can see him handing out threes and fours liberally. A bit of a stickler for technique our Lenny is.
To be honest I did not understand what the dance was about. I also thought the dance movements were a bit homosexual. Then in the end when I saw them form the Italian flag - everything came together. They were three strands of white pasta noodles and then through the painful process of boiling and bubbling in water they finally came together to form a beautiful pasta dish - national dish of Italy.
See this is why I love modern contemporary it is so interpretative and beautiful and can tell so many stories. I love how you Indians went past all differences you have with your backup President Sony Ganges and showed a beautiful interpretation of Italy and pasta. Sometimes I think Sony Ganges is a maverick like me.
Then the final dance of the day was Rage Ini. Finally a female performer. I am a fan of female mavericks. At first when I thought they would be doing a story on conjoined twins, I thought it would be a comedy like Stuck on You. She is a comic actor right?
But then she came out and did a very sad story. Why would you do something sad with conjoined twins. Then it dawned on me, it must be very difficult for two people stuck together to dance right? I mean its hard enough for one person to move and look good. Two people doing that stuck together at the same time? Then their theme Bollywood contemporary. How do you even combine that? Wild thrusting combined with the slow flowy movements. Thats like a bad interracial marriage between a Harlem gangster and a souther girl.
Their dance was exactly what I expected. They gracefully strolled in the park, swaying rhythmically while they slowly strolled. It was impressive how much movement they extracted from two people stuck together like this. Maybe Kate Gosselin should have been given this choreography. She cannot move faster than a stroll in the park. Might I add, the judges were very harsh in saying there was no dance. They were strolling - but they strolled to the music and were very graceful. Do you think Remo and Mall Mika could stroll so well if conjoined? I was also impressed with the fact that someone with Rage in her name could be so soft and expressive.
Overall I thoroughly enjoyed my time. I look forward to watching more of Jock Dick Jee with you guys tomorrow. Oh your Indian dancing is so much more fun. I love immersible in other culture. Hopefully, we can talk more about the other stars performances sometime.
Bye now and God bless You!