The Observer
Her face was covered in black eyeliner; the smudged make-up mixed with salty tears ran down her hot cheeks and made a spotty pattern on her fresh white sari as they dripped from her chin. She couldn't do anything but let the unstoppable flow of hot tears stream down her face. Her state was such that no one could bear it, but no one could make things better. She was helpless. She was hopeless. She was lost.
She clutched her soft duvet with as much strength as she had at this point, which was not very much. This did not stop the pain in her heart which was just increasing every passing second. It had tied itself in a complicated knot and twisted its own vessels, just like her life. But that was when the incident happened, when she was in shock. Such shock that she buried her grief into that knot in her heart and behaved like nothing had happened. But today was different.
Now instead of untying itself, everything just tore apart. Or she just realised it had torn apart, leaving her heart and her life in a million pieces with no connection and no joined vessels. Her life poured out in front of her and heck she didn't like it. Well, it was a relief for some people that she had finally regained full consciousness instead of believing in her own made-up lies, but not herself. She didn't like her own awareness of some events that had completely turned her life upside down.
Life is not fair.
14/09/2010. It was the worst day of my life. Why was it hitting me now though? I thought I was taking in the truth slowly since I was in shock for a week but it still seems like more of a cold, hard slap in my face. I didn't get it before, the news, my friends; everyone knew about it, everyone gave me pitiful looks. But I could never make sense of what was being said to me, it just went through me like a foreign language.
It's been two days of my non-stop crying, just a few breaks when I shut up and then start howling again. I might finally be in a state of depression now. That's good. Better than my screeching but I don't know if it's better than my shock. Shock was good; it was strange but less painful than confronting the truth. Of course I couldn't go on living like that, but am I really living? Death seems like a much better option. Who would care anyways? Some close friends and few of my cousins and that's it. It's not like their life would fall apart.
I will try not to give up, life's worth that much at least, and even mine is. My life was amazing before, at least it seems it was amazing now. I can remember that day so vividly; of course I can it was only two weeks ago. My mum and dad's anniversary, the whole family was together, after a very long time.
Who knew then of what was coming?
Chapter 1
Asha
'Beta, tumhare baal toh tumhare pyaare chehere ko puri tarah se chupa dete hai.' She tried to explain for the millionth time but I still didn't get why she didn't like it.
'Okay ma, you know aap bahot sweet ho lekin super annoying ho mere baalon ke bare mein. Apne bola tha ki jab mein 16 ki ho jaongi, you will stop complaining about my hair.'
'Tu hai super annoying. Maa hu mai teri, baat sun liya kar. Mujhe laga tha, 16 hoke thodi akal aajayegi tujhe. Aur haan bus catch karne ke liye GOOD LUCK!'
I waved my license at her that I had just gotten yesterday and she let out a sigh, annoyed she couldn't threaten me about the bus anymore.
'Bye!' I yelled at the door, undoing my hair and bringing my fringe into my face. Then I quickly ran off smiling naughtily. I wondered if she knew I changed into western clothes in our mini changing room outside the swimming pool.
'Haye yeh ladkiya, teenager attitude to saha nahi gaya, ab madam 21 ho gayi' She let out another heavy sigh and closed the door.
I felt her smile as I walked in the changing rooms and swivelled the car keys on my index finger feeling excited about showing off my new sports car. Of course they would be jealous. Roshini, Dia, CJ and Muskaan were definitely going to be all 'ooh and aah', and hopefully Shaila, the bitch too. I was sure though that there was something behind her 'I'm all that' attitude. I sighed, I'm losing my mind again as my friends would say but they hadn't seen her awful parents.
I stepped into my amazing and sleek sports car and drove off to a mixture of hell and heaven. Both were exaggerations but that's what school, work and college seemed like, just most of the time the hell bit of it came to our minds at first thought.
'Asha! Finally! How are you?'
'Dude your half an hour late again!'
'Ash gossip session kab ka khatam ho gaya, aur tum ab aa rahi ho!'
'Shhh!' Roshini gestured with her hands to stop everyone talking, and I gave a sigh of relief a little too early, 'Come on guys; give her time to make up excuses' she smiled with sarcasm with a hand on her hips.
I was baffled by this weird behaviour from my friends, they were suddenly acting as if I have been away for months and they didn't even notice my sports car! I frowned, of course, they were trying desperately not to pay attention to it and make me forget about it too.
'I know exactly what your trying to do and it's not working,' I pouted and raised my eyebrows at them and got the same actions in response. 'Trying to ignore my amazing sports car?'
'Haan haan haan! It's not fair you're rich.' Muskaan said giving me evils. Roshini, Dia and CJ instantly agreed.
'Sorry ab hamesha adha ghanta late aaongi, thanks to my little buddy,' I patted my car.
When they were still giving me evils I laughed at them, gave a hug to each one and Dia caught me up with all the gossip after all. It was nice to be back even if college was a lot of work. But one thing I didn't want to do was bump into Rohan.
'Sorry,' he managed before he stumbled backwards, swinging his arms uncontrollably.
'Oh its-' I started but then I cut off the 'okay' in the sentence as I realised who it was and sighed, 'you. Always running into me. Andhe ho kya?'
'How lucky am I' he replied sarcastically, finally getting hold of himself, 'Anyways tum hamesha mere amne samne mandarathi ho so it's not my fault, you're the stalker'
'Tum hamesha aise hi behave karte ho, stupidly. I mean we both were going round the corner from opposite directions so it's not necessarily 'someone's fault', and I do not stalk you!' I exclaimed annoyed at his dumbness. I really hated him because he was so egoistic and irritating. I was relieved when the bell rang just to realise that we're going to the same classroom. Hell.
Roshini was busy with Varun so I was alone because my other friends were in different classes. We walked together in unbelievable silence but instead of fuming with anger inside, I was feeling nervous and had butterflies in my stomach. I picked at my nails and fiddled with my fingers as I felt his gaze. Oh god, what was wrong with me? And what was wrong with him? I slammed my books down on the table while Roshini was busy chattering away to Varun and my mind babbled uncontrollably.
'Roshini, sit here naa,' I gestured her to the two empty spaces next to so Varun could join us if he wanted. She shuffled beside me with Varun and glanced at him shyly while twirling her soft curls around her index finger nervously. He also couldn't stop himself from smiling as he moved a bit closer to her. Hmm...I thought to myself, so there is more to this 'friendship'. I needed to have a little chat with this friend of mine.
I should have been paying more attention to this little scene between Varun and Roshini, knowing me. Or the 'old' me I should say, but my eyes wandered to Rohan, again. In that instant he locked his gaze on the window, looking a bit guilty as if he had been watching me. I knew he had been doing just that. He's definitely not as curious as me and usually likes to 'mind his own business' as he puts it, so why did he give me that bit of his attention? Well he is strange. And what was stranger than that was, I liked it when he looked at me.
Rohan; such a sweet name but such a demeaning personality, I thought putting my strange feelings behind. So why do I 'stalk' him as he suggests? I don't know. All I do know is that he is different in a weird way. Maybe that provokes my curious nature. I can't help it but I'm always interested in him, he is like a locked museum which I want to open and explore.
You could just tell that he hides deep secrets behind his 'angry young man' facade and I want to bring those secrets out. So I wonder why that it's just me who shows such obvious interest in him. Everyone like secrets don't they?
I realised I had been gawking at him when I heard Dharmesh sir say my name. I turned to Dharmesh sir quickly to make sure Rohan doesn't catch me gazing at him as I know the whole class (including him) will stare at me while sir tries to get my undivided attention.
'Asha! Why are you looking so lost? Concentrate on the text.' he demanded
I searched for a good excuse, 'Sorry sir, my reading glasses broke so I can't read this text,' I lied as my glasses were in my bag and I only needed them for very small text, I could read this effortlessly. Another lie, Rohan would be ashamed. Suppressing a smile I bent down.
I glanced at Rohan who was looking at me with a knowing look; he knew that I had been staring at him. I shifted my gaze back to sir and sat up straight. I desperately hoped that sir hadn't noticed.
'Well that gives me a better reason for you to concentrate on what we are reading, listen carefully' he said leaving me in a much more comfortable state.
The lesson carried on but I was still not satisfied, I kept stealing glances when Rohan wasn't looking. Sometimes we caught each other staring at one another would have an awkward eye lock which I always managed to break before sir anyone else noticed.
But this eye lock was lasted a lot longer; I couldn't stop staring into his dark eyes.
Then the bell rang, it was like a warning to help me regain my senses. I didn't look back at him instead I pulled Roshini out of the classroom and straight in to the music room (our hide-out kind of place because no one goes there at break time) for two reasons: One, I wanted to go before a weird scene with Rohan and Two, I didn't want Varun to follow us like he was going to. Yay, I feel normal now.
There, I started questioning Roshini about her strange behaviour in the class room. She didn't want admit it but I was reluctant to get it out of her and I was successful.
'Seriously yaar, I really like him but how did you know? Is it obvious?' Roshini started stressing about the hints she might have given off.
'Nahi yaar, nothing like that. Shayad mujhe samajh mein aaya kyunki main tumhari bohot achhi friend hoon?' I smiled but it obviously didn't help much.
'But vo bhi toh achha friend hai. To iska matlab use bhi pata chal gaya?' She spoke through her horror stricken face. It all looked really melodramatic but I seriously didn't want to mention that to her.
Come on, of all honesty, Varun had known her since 10th grade and had helped her when her mother finally remarried but to an absolute jerk. He helped her get through to this man and actually gradually, both step-father and daughter were now getting along. They had graduated together and everything and had ended up sharing a flat when Varun's parents were bankrupt. She had also helped him find a job to pay for his education fees and worked with him too. It was not a surprise that they had feelings for each other.
I was deeply involved in my thoughts when Roshini shook me and laughed, 'I'm really a drama queen sometimes.'
I really loved how she could laugh at herself, 'I'm glad it's only sometimes yaar' I said imagining life with Roshini always being so dramatic. But I knew she was really nervous inside still and so I said that she could talk more about him if she wanted.
'Pata nahi, kuch alag notice kiya?' she bit her lip trying to recall a few obvious hints.
'Tere bare mein ya uske?'
'Uske bare mein..'
'Tere bahut paas aa raha tha aur teri taraf dekh ke voh apni smile rok nahi paa raha tha.'
'Haan smile to bahut kar raha tha aur jab bhi mein uski taraf dekhti thi to voh idhar udhar dekhni ki koshish kar raha tha.'
'Hmm... tu usse bataygee ya uske confession ka wait karegi?'
She nearly bit her nails then laughed, 'Arre yaar this nervousness is killing my nails now! I think thoda aur time doongi phir kuch nahi bola tho main hi boldoongi.
The next bit she said this really dramatically with actions and a posh British accent, 'I will get down on one knee with red roses in my hand and ask him 'Will you be my boyfriend?' What do you say Asha?'
I burst into hysterical giggles as she performed this hilarious act while she was still on one knee. Then I heard a familiar voice. It was HIM! (No not Rohan)
'Asha and Roshini, since when did you two err... get together? Mer toh dill toot gaya Roshini,' Varun sniffed.
Roshini got up and blushed uncontrollably while he failed hopelessly in hiding the smile forming on his lips.
'Go away dude, humme akela chod do,' and realising what I had just said I added sarcastically with a big grin, 'We need some 'alone' time, so if you could please excuse us?'
He laughed and walked away, I knew Roshini would want to thank me for sending him away; she needed time to control her feelings.
Soon after another conversation of Varun; CJ and Simmy arrived in deep conversation about how Kalpana ma'am always gave them too much homework and how last year's, Minakshi ma'am was so much better as a teacher. I swear they could find a new excuse to hate on Kalpana ma'am every lesson.
'Hey guys, kya baat hai? Itni badi smiles voh bhi Dharmesh sir ke boring lesson ke baad? Aur voh bhi hamare not-so-secret hide-out main'
I explained to them about Varun, they giggled a little but even they said it was really believable and it was bound to happen now or later. Varun was a really sweet guy and he was just perfect for our beautiful princess Roshini. What an adorable couple.
But now it was definitely my turn to be surprised. Shaila came up to me and spoke to me, 'Asha, I know you want to be like me and all,' I gave her an eye roll but she continued, 'But no need to do stalk me or anything babe, you can join us whenever you want, if you dare,' she ended with a sneer.
I was shocked at her behaviour, how childish could you get. Such a bitch, I never stalked her! But then I realised what she was talking about. Of course, I had witnessed that scene with her parents. As always she was trying to put me down now. Why? Because I was popular and rich? But before I could defend myself she asked, 'Quick chat?' in a bored voice and gestured me to the canteen. Ok, I would never want to talk to her but for some reason I nodded and followed her leaving my friends behind who were gawking at the scene.
'Mujhe pata hai ki tum uss din ki baat kar rahi ho jab maine tumhare parents ko dekha. Trust me, jaan booch ke nahi dekha, but I feel sorry for you.' I said genuinely understanding a bit more of why she behaves like this. I thought I saw some sadness flicker in her eyes but it was instantly gone and the bitch was back.
'Haan haan, jaan booch ke nahi dekha.'
I ignored her comment and continued, 'Main nahi jaanti aise parents ke saath rehne mein kaisa lagta hai lekin tumhara behaviour uss se justify nahi hota.'
She spoke with anger and passion, 'Tum nahi jaanti ho toh uske bare mein expert comments dene ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Agar tumhare parents aise behave karte toh tum aisi nahi hoti and I guarantee that.'
Her statement left me bewildered. Appearances are definitely deceiving. I was sure now that I saw hints of buried grief and anger. I wanted to just comfort her. But obviously I didn't do that, why should I? She had only come 3 months ago and she was already the gossip queen and the bitch of the college. Sadly she was stunning as well. I observed her, she was really pretty but for the first time I noticed dark circles underneath her eyes.
Why was I feeling sorry for her? Being careful to not give any hint of what was going on in my head I said, 'You're right, shayad main aisi nahi hoti, lekin tumhare jaise toh kabhi nahi hoti, and I can guarantee that.'
'Kehna bahut aasan hai na tumhare liye?'
'Dekho Shaila, mujhe tumhare liye bura lagta hai. I mean tumhari mummy toh tumhe maar dalti agar ma'am nahi aati toh.' I recalled her furious mother glaring at her as if she had appointed Shaila as her slave and Shaila had disobeyed her orders.
'Aur tumhe toh pata hoga na ki voh gussa thi kyonki main ek ladki ko sorry bol diya uske upar orange juice girah kar. She wants me to be like this, she wants a bitchy daughter!'
I didn't know what to say to this, I was shocked! I hadn't actually heard much of their conversation as Shaila thought I had. Her mum seriously had bigger issues than her daughter! But still, that didn't change what she had done to the Mr. Popular of the college.
Both of them were in a relationship, well they were girlfriend and boyfriend but I was sure it was just for popularity. I think they were dating because well, Shaila was the gossip queen of the college and she was rich and pretty.
Anyways she initially made a fuss that he had kinda raped her and then made a drama that she was pregnant. That for me was too much. In the end, everyone knew the truth but I still feel sorry for that guy, although he obviously had a questionable taste in girls.
'Your mum has issues,' was all I could say to her after I realised she was staring at me for a reply while I replayed her entrance to the college.
'Meri mummy tumhare papa koh ek special offer dena chahti hai, please apne papa ko batao 'nahi' kehne ke liye otherwise bohot drama hoga. Mom ka naam, Malika Gupta.'
Why was she telling me this? 'Urm thanks for the info.'
'No problem.' She hesitated then added, 'Mera matlab hai ki maine tumhe bataya taaki main apni mom ko unke plan main kaamyab naa hone doon.'
She left me at the table wondering if she was abused by her mom, she might have especially after that scene and Shaila's own little plan to put her mom down. She had been nice to me as far as I could tell so things were looking unusually good; I just hoped that she wouldn't include me in one of her little schemes.
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