Devils Den: The War Ain't Over - Page 98

Den't theme - Geet

Hi Devils,

I am Geet. If it hadn't been for the upheavals in my life in last 3-4 months, there was no reason for you to be interested in my story. For the first eighteen years of my life, I lived a pretty ordinary life. Or no. It seemed ordinary to me, because that's all I had seen. But it was actually out of ordinary, given the suppressed environment I lived in. Being a girl in my extremely conservative household, run dictatorially by my Daar Ji, meant that the treatment I received was that of a lesser human. Like all the women of the family, I was  just another brick in the wall that was my family's prestige. I had no say in where and how I was to be put up. Today it feels like a different subhuman world to me and I wonder why and how I put up with all that. But at that point of time, all I could see was that my family and Daarji commanded unquestioned respect in my village. So, I assumed that whatever they do or say must be right.

Even though I was not quite conscious of it, I must have had a rebellious streak in me from the very beginning. How else did I manage to learn to drive a scooty? If Daarji had caught me in the act, I can't even imagine what punishment he would have meted out. I even managed to express my feelings about the marriage my family had planned. I did try to oppose it as I wanted to study further. Even dared to tell the boy that I did not want to go to Canada with him. But these rebellions were just that - a streak. Nothing ever came out of these. As always, I had to accept the fate my family, rather Daarji, had chosen for me. 

Initially Dev came as a pleasant surprise to my life. He treated me in a way I had never been treated before - with respect and concern and probably love. He treated me like a human! No wonder I fell for him. Even though the idea of having to leave my familiar surroundings and go as far as Canada was daunting, Dev gave me hope. I started dreaming of a better life.

There was something else that happened around the same time. I didn't think much of it then. Because I did not know how it was going to lead me to my real destiny. Today I do and hence I have to mention it to you. 

I met a rude stranger by accident. His sole aim in life seemed to be to hurt me. Why else would somebody you barely know say the most hurtful words to you. He seemed to think of all women as weak and dumb. And he kept telling this to me pretty much every time we met. I wondered why we end up running into each other so often, when all we do on meeting is to try and hurt each other. It is not my nature to hurt anyone. But when he kept going on about my weakness and inability to take care of myself, I could not help but remind him of his loneliness and lack of love in his life. Funnily enough though, this rude stranger often became my saviour from troubles. 

I would not have acknowledged it then, because I was really put off my his rudeness and arrogance, but his words did me a lot of good. The way he said those things might be hurtful, but what he had said was not wrong. It may not have been my doing, but I was precisely the woman he detested. I was weak, I had always been dependent on the male members of my family and was going to be dependent on my husband soon, I could not make my own decisions and I could not stand up for myself. So his words hit a raw nerve. And gave a direction to my sleeping rebellious streak. In my own way, I started standing up against injustice done to me. Particularly against my elder brother, who treated women, including me, as dirt. He did not think before raising hands on me and insulting me. He must have been shocked to see me put up a rather stubborn resistance.

And soon my new found self-respect and strength was put to a huge test. Dev had betrayed me. I, not only had to gather myself together after the betrayal, but also had to do something about my child. This was the time that brought down my family from the pedestal I had put them up on. They acted like cowards. In the name of the family prestige, they were ready to kill me and my unborn child. As luck will have it, the rude stranger, whom I knew a bit by then due to my land having been sold to him by the cheater Dev and his family, became my saviour again. Once again, with his rude words, he gave a direction to my anger and I was able to send my brother to jail for his deeds.

All the illusions were broken. Any pretenses of familial love were shed. I could no longer identify with them as my family. I did not know how I would manage my life, but something kept me going as I came to Delhi in search of a new life for myself and my child.

Today I know why destiny had played such cruel jokes on my life all those days. In its own twisted ways, it was pushing me to find my real destiny, the real fate. I didn't know it even when on the first day of my job in Delhi I found the same rude man as my boss. Ready to insult and humiliate me further. Those days were not easy. As if the boss was not enough, I also had enemies in the form of Sasha and Tasha. I couldn't fathom for the life of mine, what problem they had with me. I understand it today. Probably they had seen my destiny much before I had. And were jealous of it. 😊 Thankfully I had friends like Adi Sir and Pinki. And in his usual weird way, my boss was also helping me cope up. Every time he insulted me or scolded me, I got back to better my work with vengeance. I will not bore you with the details of what happened further, but let me just say that things changed. His insults started becoming words of encouragements, his cribs about my shortcomings started converting to acceptance, his eyes started showing care instead of anger. I had hardly taken a sigh of relief with all these changes when one moment of my weakness made him my enemy again. I was enjoying the rain, but suddenly the thoughts of Dev clouded my mind. My strength gave way and without knowing what I was doing, I leaned on him for support. I hugged him. When I came back to my senses, he appeared to be reciprocating my hug. I didn't know what to do. I ran away. And things changed. As much as I tried to make things normal after that, it didn't work. He seemed to be really offended with me. He was angry and started being rude to me again. Things became so unbearable between us that it ended up with my leaving the job. 

Destiny wasn't going to give up on me though. I had no clue what Dadi Ma, I mean his Dadi Ma, had in mind. But without revealing it to either of us, she gave me the same job again. When he realized what had happened, he became his rude self again. In fact, he appeared to be trying harder to hurt me. Initially I was too busy trying to sort out the pressing problems of my life to bother about his rudeness. There was the problem of livelihood, the problem of a place to live in. I had to hold on to this job, whatever insults awaited for me there. But by now he knew me, my family and everything else too well and was in a position to hurt me more than ever. He did precisely that. Not only that, he even crossed his limits in how he handled me physically. This was beyond what I could take even in the face of my livelihood problems. But the destiny wasn't going to let me walk out. First it was Dadi Ma who intervened and did not let me walk out. Later, he himself stopped me from leaving. He said he wanted me to stay for Dadi Ma. Today I know better what he really wanted.

But something more important happened through all this. For the first time, it was not an external force, or another person who scared me. I got scared of my own feelings. Even after he had crossed all the limits in insulting me, I ran after him when I felt he might be in the danger. What I realized in that Dargah where I eventually found him was something that had never happened before. I was too scared to give a name to my feeling. I decided to suppress it. There was no way I could have let it out.

Except that even he seemed to be struggling with the same feelings. Not only did his caring, accepting self come back, he seemed to be ready to go to any extent to protect me. He left a deal worth crores of Rupees because the client insulted me. He let go of all his ego and was trying to stop me from leaving. He had always been my saviour and teacher without either of us acknowledging it. We kept hiding it under our apparent hostile feelings for each other. But what the destiny was really brewing in the guise of this hostility was now coming out in open.

The happiness was knocking on my door. Any other girl would have felt blessed at the situation and would have lapped it up with all enthusiasm. But I was no longer any other girl. I was sure that the destiny was playing a cruel joke on me once again. It was showing me a light of happiness which would turn to darkness if I went after it. My child was dear to me, but for anyone else, it would be a burden, an unwanted responsibility and even a reason for losing prestige in the society. Which man in his right mind would accept me? Maan was different. It was possible that he would accept me, but could I be so selfish? He was a man whom everyone looked up to. Any girl will feel lucky to have him. He didn't deserve the mess that my life was. I had to go away from his life.

But my life hadn't been ordinary even when I thought it was. How could it be so now? I had seen the extremes of his anger, rudeness and arrogance. I hadn't, till then, seen the extremes of his love, inner strength and care. It took lots of ups and downs in our lives for us to arrive where we are today. We faltered, misunderstood, even hurt each other without wanting to. But today my life, my existence is defined by this one man - my Maan. Unknown to both of us, destiny was pushing us towards each other since long back. He was my strength even when he appeared to hurt me. He was making me strong even when he insulted me. He made my real self come out of the closet. My real self, which wants to live and enjoy life, which wants to love and to be loved, which wants to trust and to be trusted, which has the strength to fight all the adversities. With him I can relive the carefree childhood I missed. I can crib, blabber, get angry for nothing, demand unreasonable things and instead of getting annoyed, he enjoys all this with me. With him I can be a careless brat, whom he can put in line with just one tough look. With him I can be a lover who gives in to the passion and desire. With him I can be a mother, who enjoys her motherhood and not made to feel bad about it. With him I can be a woman who is loved and treasured. With him I can be a person who is confident and strong to face any problems in life. With him I am complete - a complete woman, a complete human.

And in discovering myself, I have also discovered him. To me, he is the epitome of all that is good in the world. Care, concern, strength, truth, honesty and above all, unconditional love. Do I appear to be worshipping him? Does it feel like unequal relationship to you? I don't know and I don't care. The only thing that matters for me is that we complete and complement each other. We rule each other's hearts. We have the ability to bring out the best and the worst in each other. We belong to each other. Everything else is meaningless.

We have to unfold many more chapters of our life together now. I have to know what was the reason behind the bitterness he used to carry with him all the time. Or probably still carries except when he is with me. I have to heal all his wounds. I have to become his partner in every possible sense of the word. And do I need to tell you, how enthusiastically I am looking forward to it all. And last but not the least, I am waiting for our baby to come to the world. The baby because of whom I decided to fight, because of whom I decide to live, because of whom I am with Maan today.

That was my story.

Thanks for being a part of it and loving it.

Geet