Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems


Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems
Writers Corner: Books, Stories & Poems

OneShot- Bas thori si wafa chahiye - Pg 19 (Page 8)

SujaLuvsMayur IF-Rockerz

Joined: 27 May 2010
Posts: 6714

Posted: 03 April 2011 at 4:08am | IP Logged
wonderful os.

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a little faith Goldie
a little faith
a little faith

Joined: 09 January 2009
Posts: 2037

Posted: 04 April 2011 at 3:09pm | IP Logged
Dearest Ambreen,

Firstly to the form of your piece.  I loved the chain-like structure to the piece.  For each paragraph is a nuance within this niche you have shone your inner sight upon.  In this way you can read any paragraph, in which ever order and it still holds true and coherently.  A remarkable feat.  Star

At first when I read your piece I thought that the 'i don't love you' was an echo of an incident that had occurred in her recent past, the cause which resulted in her 'late' but inevitable or irrepressible return home.  So it became a hidden heartache which she nursed underneath the apparent hurt of her brother's or family's protective love. 

However after reading some other replies I realized that maybe you intended it to be said by her family, the tangible form of their disapproval.  However this interpretation still did not sit correctly with me and so I read again your piece to conjecture that maybe it is a silent utterance of that knot in her heart.  Whatever you intended, I liked that vagueness that you left in so that we may weave our own personal tapestry through threads that bind our own hearts and souls into your creative design.  This is again very remarkable and beautifully accomplished. Star

The fact was that the more this girl knew, the more she would get into trouble for it. So along the years she decided to be oblivantly and not focus upon something until told too. A poignant note and very astute. Star

the same parents who raised her with the thought that she could do anything and everything she wanted today held her within these four walls. Again very perceptive.Star

My favourite line of your piece" pieces of her were splattered everywhere and she really didn't know how to gather herself up again and become same old girl who use to run around the yard with her brothers playing with them."StarStarStar
One tiny criticism, one I should tell myself more often, but there are quite a few spelling mistakes, some quite blatant, for example one place you typed 'both' instead of 'bother' which normally I would overlook BUT I know your capability which makes me fear that the piece was rushed due to limited time.  It also sprouted discrepancies in my mind of what you wrote, what I should infer and the direction you might have implied.  For example, you wrote 'wiping her irrational tears away' Did you mean 'irrational'? Is her pain not justified? Was it a typo OR was it a politic remark illuminating her futile predicament, so that tears are pointless as they will not bring about her freedom and thereby 'irrational'?  Although I do not find anything lacking in the form or substance of the piece, it is these tiny details that polish your writing.  I hope you will forgive me if I overstepped any borders of our friendship. 

In regards the substance.  I loved how you managed to create a true to life scenarioStar, where no one is 'evil' but rather the 'victim' is created through 'good.'  Like an almond that is squashed by its 'brother' almond as it grew and so became 'disfigured' a little shapeless, bent or marred.  We can not blame the brother almond or call it 'evil' as it was just being its natural self.

So too you excellently portray Starthe brothers and family in your piece as 'being' the natural outcome resulting from knowledge of the cruelty and danger of this world.  In this way she can not hate them but only hate her situation.  The key being that loving bond they nurtured from childhood, which you then expertly segue Staronto the issue of limits.  When does this loving bond which seeks to protect her infact destroy her, as you say,
Their love, care, protectiveness was driving her insane.  So that maybe that 'I don't love you' is all she hears now as a subtext within the harshness of their rules.

I have never liked the term 'extremist' for as a scholar once said if I were to call you extremely kind, you would not be offended.  So too with any other good or praiseworthy adjective or adverb, the extreme version should not be regarded negatively.  I contend that to say they love her too much is the fault is erroneous. 

For me 'too much' as you say, is when the thing or in this sense 'feeling' has become something else entirely.  This is NOT too much love but rather it left the land of love a long while back and now has ventured into the region of 'control.'  Maybe their intentions began pure but I fear that they now no longer resemble the same. 

Ambreen, a beautiful piece that I am sure will touch hearts and affect many souls.  StarStarStar

Love Sabah.

EDIT: I had another inspired thought.  Maybe that 'i don't love you' is emanating  from her own heart.   All these years of justifying their strict protectiveness at each new rule, every harsh no and resultant crushing of her spirit has finally worn her to the point of exhaustion.  She can not fight that feeling that is beginning to take root; that feeling of hate.

That at this last battle she lets the relatively cold feeling of hate against the more heated friction of her soul, let its coolness abate that fervent torment within her heart.
Yet some vestige remains as she can not bring her self to say 'i hate you' and resorts to affirming just the change in her heart 'I don't love you.' However poignantly, her struggle against this sad end, sad consequence is over.   Hatred won and so she cries because this victory neither honours herself nor her brothers.
Ambreen, truly so many layers, so excellently done!StarStarStar

Edited by a little faith - 05 April 2011 at 4:06am

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thousandmiles IF-Dazzler

Joined: 21 November 2009
Posts: 2630

Posted: 12 April 2011 at 9:02pm | IP Logged

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Wings-of-Fire IF-Rockerz

Joined: 04 June 2010
Posts: 8667

Posted: 12 April 2011 at 9:44pm | IP Logged
even i can feel her though i've never gone through what she has.
this is actually a bigger issue, falling for your cousin. there are far more problems to it.i've witnessed a few in my family. and i wish that happens to nobody.
--jiya-- IF-Rockerz

Joined: 01 January 2011
Posts: 5603

Posted: 12 April 2011 at 11:12pm | IP Logged
It was really heartwrenching.... but if i say I can understand what she is going through, I might be a little wrong.... because it still is freaky for Indians when someone falls for her cousin, but I understand that its very very painful, because the mind knows the consequences the heart doesn't want to believe...

You have portrayed the state of her heart beautifully, Sajjal. 

" the same town i had grown up in, the same town i knew in and out looked different"  I loved these lines. The innocence that lay in her is so beautiful, and that is why the heartbreak is more painful here "Today i still wait for him, sitting afar watching him, hoping one day he would say something, but he never does. We exist for each other but its as if he has forgotten me, but i haven't and i would never.

That was a marvellous piece of writing, thanks a lot for the pm
sreevijayan IF-Rockerz

Joined: 12 February 2009
Posts: 8262

Posted: 12 April 2011 at 11:24pm | IP Logged
in our custom...it is not  allowed to like our direct cousinss....but this was an  mindblowing os......i cud really feel her emotions...loved it...............
-Khushi- IF-Rockerz

Joined: 05 August 2010
Posts: 7271

Posted: 12 April 2011 at 11:46pm | IP Logged
wow sajjal its a beautiful os....
whole heartedly loved it...
its true this happens with many girls......
and i can understand her feeling but no,i havnt got through any of them....
thnx fr d pm....

daniella05 IF-Dazzler

Joined: 29 August 2009
Posts: 3317

Posted: 13 April 2011 at 12:27am | IP Logged
lovely os!!!
thanks 4 the pm

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