Firstly to the form of your piece. I loved the chain-like structure to the piece. For each paragraph is a nuance within this niche you have shone your inner sight upon. In this way you can read any paragraph, in which ever order and it still holds true and coherently. A remarkable feat.
At first when I read your piece I thought that the 'i don't love you' was an echo of an incident that had occurred in her recent past, the cause which resulted in her 'late' but inevitable or irrepressible return home. So it became a hidden heartache which she nursed underneath the apparent hurt of her brother's or family's protective love.
However after reading some other replies I realized that maybe you intended it to be said by her family, the tangible form of their disapproval. However this interpretation still did not sit correctly with me and so I read again your piece to conjecture that maybe it is a silent utterance of that knot in her heart. Whatever you intended, I liked that vagueness that you left in so that we may weave our own personal tapestry through threads that bind our own hearts and souls into your creative design. This is again very remarkable and beautifully accomplished. The fact was that
the more this girl knew, the more she would get into trouble for it. So
along the years she decided to be oblivantly and not focus upon
something until told too. A poignant note and very astute.
the same parents who
raised her with the thought that she could do anything and everything
she wanted today held her within these four walls. Again very
My favourite line of your piece" pieces of her were splattered
everywhere and she really didn't know how to gather herself up again and
become same old girl who use to run around the yard with her brothers
playing with them."
One tiny criticism, one I should tell myself more often, but there are quite a few spelling mistakes, some quite blatant, for example one place you typed 'both' instead of 'bother' which normally I would overlook BUT I know your capability which makes me fear that the piece was rushed due to limited time. It also sprouted discrepancies in my mind of what you wrote, what I should infer and the direction you might have implied. For example, you wrote 'wiping her irrational tears away' Did you mean 'irrational'? Is her pain not justified? Was it a typo OR was it a politic remark illuminating her futile predicament, so that tears are pointless as they will not bring about her freedom and thereby 'irrational'? Although I do not find anything lacking in the form or substance of the piece, it is these tiny details that polish your writing. I hope you will forgive me if I overstepped any borders of our friendship.
In regards the substance. I loved how you managed to create a true to life scenario, where no one is 'evil' but rather the 'victim' is created through 'good.' Like an almond that is squashed by its 'brother' almond as it grew and so became 'disfigured' a little shapeless, bent or marred. We can not blame the brother almond or call it 'evil' as it was just being its natural self.
So too you excellently portray the brothers and family in your piece as 'being' the natural outcome resulting from knowledge of the cruelty and danger of this world. In this way she can not hate them but only hate her situation. The key being that loving bond they nurtured from childhood, which you then expertly segue onto the issue of limits. When does this loving bond which seeks to protect her infact destroy her, as you say, Their love, care, protectiveness was driving her insane. So that maybe that 'I don't love you' is all she hears now as a subtext within the harshness of their rules.
I have never liked the term 'extremist' for as a scholar once said if I were to call you extremely kind, you would not be offended. So too with any other good or praiseworthy adjective or adverb, the extreme version should not be regarded negatively. I contend that to say they love her too much is the fault is erroneous.
For me 'too much' as you say, is when the thing or in this sense 'feeling' has become something else entirely. This is NOT too much love but rather it left the land of love a long while back and now has ventured into the region of 'control.' Maybe their intentions began pure but I fear that they now no longer resemble the same.
Ambreen, a beautiful piece that I am sure will touch hearts and affect many souls.
Love Sabah.EDIT: I had another inspired thought. Maybe that 'i don't love you' is emanating from her own heart. All these years of justifying their strict protectiveness at each new rule, every harsh no and resultant crushing of her spirit has finally worn her to the point of exhaustion. She can not fight that feeling that is beginning to take root; that feeling of hate.
That at this last battle she lets the relatively cold feeling of hate against the more heated friction of her soul, let its coolness abate that fervent torment within her heart. Yet some vestige remains as she can not bring her
self to say 'i hate you' and resorts to affirming just the change in her
heart 'I don't love you.' However poignantly, her struggle against this sad end, sad consequence is over. Hatred won and so she cries because this victory neither honours herself nor her brothers.
Ambreen, truly so many layers, so excellently done!
Edited by a little faith - 05 April 2011 at 4:06am