|| A Mistake For Life ||
I looked around. My eyes searching for just another pair of eyes. Just one, who believed me. No one. Not even one. Not my parents, though I didn't quite expect much from them. Not my friends, who were more than my family to me, and not even Gunjan whom I loved more than my life. She walked past me as if I was invisible to her. My friends followed her out and my parents walked up to me. "I thought you had changed Son" Mom told me. Her eyes apprehensive. I turned away. They barely even knew me. I couldn't count on them to understand, But Gunjan? I thought after all that I did, she would believe me. But Alas, she still didn't trust me. "Lets go home son. There is no one here." Mom said. I looked around just with the faintest hope that maybe she hadn't left.. maybe... But I was as usual wrong. I quietly walked behind Mom and dad to the car and we drove home..
At home I was broken. I couldn't control my emotions. What was life all about? Why was I always alone? when I was young my parents didn't care much. And now once again everyone had isolated me. Did I deserve nothing better? I didn't deny that I had made mistakes in the past but I had tried really hard and improved myself as much as anyone could have. I had made himself capable to earn Gunjan's love all over again. All that was for what? For her to leave me again? My heart was broken and there was no stopping tonight. Tears flowed down my cheeks and my eyes were numb. I had never gained her trust back. Even though she said it but she actually didnt trust me. That night was like his worst nightmare, I was just giving up on life... The slow process was severe and painful. No one believed me. No one. Not even a single person. I was trying to improve.. I was trying to show them the truth.. but no. They still believed that I was capable of repeating my mistakes.. Sometimes I actually thought that I was alone and one small mistake would drive everyone away, just like that. And today I am proved right. They believed some boys over me.
The next day was even worst. I wanted to go to college but there was a fear in me. How would I face all my friends, Candy, Mayank, Nupur, Benji or Uday? How would I be able to stop myself from thinking about Gunjan when she was there right in front of my eyes, how would I resist not reaching up to her and telling her how I feel and the feeling of her in my arms, close to my heart. But this was important. I had to go to college. I had done nothing wrong and it was time to prove it. The feeling of being rejected overwhelmed me and I decided to become like people thought I was, Casanova, womaniser, Basketball champion and a man whom every girl desired. If no one trusted me, so be it. I would just do what I wanted, now why should I change for anyone, why should I care about anyone. This was something I was trying to make my heart understand. My heart was nervous, scared and very emotional. But my mind knew what to do.
I entered college trying to hide my inner self and portray someone who I wasn't. "Hey Girls" I said as I saw a bunch of girls wave at me. I smiled at them. I saw Benji and Uday walking towards me. I decided to ignore. It hurt. It hurt alot. But I was determined. I completely ignored them. They stared at me as if they were intrigued by my behaviour. Obviously they would be. I was smiling widely smiling and greeting every girl I came across and then my feet stopped as I saw her. It wasn't willing to move ahead. I wanted to turn around and run away and hide in some corner of the school. But I couldn't could I. So I forced my legs to move ahead and then my legs suddenly stopped when I was next to her again. My heart felt like talking to her but my mind refused. What will you tell her when she doesn't trust you? Why would she believe anything you said. These 3 months you worked so hard to regain everyone's trust but all of it is gone. In one go. Even though you did nothing. Why talk to these people.
My heart fought, these people are the people who you love, you dont care what everyone else thinks but you do care what your friends think, what Chashmish thinks. You may try and hide it for as long as you want! But you know.. that its not possible.. you know it wouldn't help!
"Samrat.. I don' before Gunjan could finish saying that she didn't want to talk I bent down and acted as if she was invisible. I opened my shoe laces and tied them again hoping that she had not noticed that. Then I got up and without even looking her way I walked on. I was sure she was glaring at me, furious as to why I wasn't trying to make excuses? Well.. she had no idea that I didn't really care anymore. I wasn't the Samrat who cared for someone or who would change his lifestyle for someone.. I was someone who barely cared what he did! Thats who I was, I tried to convince my heart. The whole day I ignored everyone. Sat with a bunch of stupid girls in the canteen and flirted all I wanted but my mind was still flickering as to what Gunjan must be thinking. I tried to stop thinking about her but it just seemed impossible. The more i tried to stop the more I thought about it.
As I was leaving college that evening, Chashmish walked up to me again. I tried to ignore but this time she held my hand. I turned back, her eyes had anger in them and she said in her soft stern voice, "We need to talk." Thats what I wanted to do before but she didnt think I was worth a shot.. "How about over a date at the RG's Chash'Gunjan!" I said knowing how much Gunjan hated RGs. But Gunjan was determined she held my hand and took me to the music room. It was awkward as I didnt know what she wanted to tell me? I was sure she didnt want an explanation because if she wanted one she would have let me explain yesterday.
"What do you think your doing?" She said. "Erm.. Excuse me?" I tried to keep as calm as possible but my heart was beating hard and fast. "Drop it Samrat. What do you think? Not caring about what people think will help? Sitting around with girls would take your mind off things? You remember what happened 3 months ago right? And I was there beside you to help. But you did it again?"
My mind went into a flashback. I recalled that dreadful night.. My name was on every mouth. I was the hot favourite of the month. Bike racing was my passion. Gunjan always stopped me from doing it.. but I kept telling her that it was safe and I enjoyed it alot. Gunjan warned me but I ignored and she learned to adjust praying to god every night that I would be safe. That night something terrible happened. A new racer had turned up and challenged me. I agreed to ride not knowing that he was a high school kid. We rode on our bikes. He was damn good and I wanted to remain the best. I gave my best. In the middle somewhere along the way I lost control over my bike and I tried hard but at the end crashed into his bike. We both were taken to the hospital. Since Gunjan was on speed dial people called her to the hospital. The boy's parents were called too. I got hurt on my head but the boy couldn't be saved. His parents broke down in front of my eyes and I watched them fall to the ground in utter shock. I was shocked too.. I didnt know that he was just a kid! His parents weren't aware of the fact that his son had gone for such dangerous races and I blamed myself. If only I hadn't lost control then I wouldn't have killed someone today. This was murder. The police were called but no one said anything because these races were illegal and everyone would be sent to jail. But from then I stopped. I never thought of returning to that world again. Gunjan stood by me rock solid and helped me improve...Even our college principal gave me another chance.. It had become difficult to live with the guilt but it was Chashmish who sat by me every night making sure I didnt get nightmares or bad dreams. She took care of me like a mother when my own parents were not aware of anything. She loved me like no one ever did.. and I had finally learnt how to live, because of her.
Coming out of my trance I looked up at her. Her eyes were fixed on me and she could see through the mask I had put on and she could sense my tears.
"Wow. It didn't take you a second to recall what happened in this past. I know I have made some mistakes, some terrible mistakes and maybe they are not forgivable..'"But repeating mistakes is like doing a sin!" she said before I could even complete. "Yes it is. But Gunjan I have no explanation for my behaviour today. Why should I have one? How do you care? You believed two three boys over me.. you believed someone you barely knew over me so why should I change for someone like you?" Anger filled within me. Not even once did she hear me out. "Samrat, you have been acting very strange these days, whenever I ask you about your day or where you were going at night you just gave a very vague reason.. What reason do I have for NOT believing them?" she said. "See Gunjan, Thats it. You never trusted me after that day, did you? You always became extra careful as you thought I would do something even worse. But just for your knowledge Ms.Bhushan, I did not race again." I said. "Oh Really? So tell me Samrat where were you all those nights? What were you upto? Tell me Damn it!" she was very angry now. My anger level was rising too. "Why will you believe me now Gunjan? If you wanted to ask me anything you shouldn't have left without even hearing me out! It was easy for the boys to put the blame on me because I have done this before and it wouldn't be difficult to prove it. Principal Sir would rusticate me and it would all be over, they wouldn't get caught, would they? Out of everyone I thought atleast you would understand.. but well.. I always end up expecting too much from people."
"Samr'"I dont want to talk about it Gunjan, and maybe you forgot but I had promised you something that I would never ever again touch my bike. Since then I have been driving a car and trying hard to regain your trust and love but I failed Gunjan.. I failed." With that I walked out. I didnt want to hear her blame me anymore. The memory of that night instilled guilt in me and I couldn't bear to live with myself. Last time I had Gunjan.. but now.. now I have NO ONE by my side.. That was probably the last time I will ever talked to Gunjan.
I had understood that she didn't trust me and I couldnt spend the rest of my life gaining her trust back.. and today college gets over and we enter the real world. Today was when I wanted to propose her. Today was the day I dreamt of every night. This is what I was doing all those nights when Gunjan accused me of going to race. I was busy picking the perfect ring, the perfect place for our date and the perfect food. But alas, that all was in vain.. because I had made one mistake in life and that had cost me my whole life. I don't know whether Gunjan will ever come to know what the truth was.. but I hope she does and she forgives me.. and well for me, life was hell and that mistake was one for LIFE.
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