The following presentation has not been rated by the MPAA or Fiction Ratings.
Caution: The following content may reveal earth shattering truths like Santa does not exist, or worse that your Secret Santa is nothing but a Santa school drop out, in fact he or she may not even be Santa but a lowly elf. Reader discretion is advised.
Directors Note: This documentary reads like a viewing of Black Swan. That means this is a drab extended verbose and almost endless feature on ballet, but blink and you might totally awesome hot make out scenes you are actually watching the movie for.
So a few weeks ago I was driving back from work in the snow. The cars were chugging along, and even highway 14 Northbound was backed up. It would have been a very dull journey if not for cars in ditches in positions and angles that appear to defy the laws of physics. During the moments where I was not bearing witness to snowbatics in motion, my mind wandered in many different directions. One such direction was IF, God knows why.
IF had just had a global announcement on Secret Santa. My friends FB status was requesting help to pick gifts for an office Secret Santa. So I toyed with the idea of starting a Secret Santa for DM. The forum had just started picking up pace, and I thought maybe secret Santa will go well.
However, the real person behind motivating me to put those ideas into action was none other than our beloved stranger Ajnu. She only makes you assume she is sweet and innocent, but in the brain is ticking the diabolical time bomb that even Satan would cower in fear with. She totally sold me the Secret Santa idea, because she likes to spark controversy. So it was announced. Santa Signs Up:
In most other sections here soon after you post something you have twenty responses right away that can basically be summed up into two categories "
" or "
" . My point is that DM is slow. For a while there I was worried that there would be no sign ups and it would be a lame gift exchange between Me and Ajnu.
Thankfully OBJ signed up right away. I think he likes to be associated with controversy. Usually he is always hovering close by, but never in it deep.
Then Angie signed up too. She is always a great sport like that, always engaging in things. I think she might the only sane (insane) person here who views these things to build camaraderie and avoid controversy.
Then Souro signed up and made it extremely clear that he wanted to stay clear of all sorts of controversy. He would not touch controversy with a ten foot pole.
Then Gauri signed up and made it extremely clear she was looking to be part of controversy. She wanted to be rolled in a beer batter of controversy and deep fried in hot controversy oil.
So with 4 registrations + Ajnu and me we had 6. Well thats a decent turn out I thought. I sighed a sigh of relief that the roster showed no signs of controversy. For contrary to the yellow press media, I like being in my own happy corner. Forget controversy, I prefer to stay clear of people period. [Which reminds me a randomness I totally have to insert here because today over lunch at work I learned that anti-social behavior is highly encouraged because we have an 18 year old kid working with us who was nice to a 40 year old woman in community college and let her be in his group project and now she is stalking him, she even divorced her husband, sent him an 11 page letter for Christmas with three t-shirts and asked his mom if she could move in with them. Thats just the kind of mess that happens when you interact with people]
Then Xo signed up and he is number seven. My assignments:
Initially I was thinking of a randomizing sequence in excel or something. But then realized that it would be necessary only if ten or more signed up not with seven.
So here are the assignments -
OBJ – Gauri
Gauri – Souro
Souro – Ajnu
Ajnu – Angie
Angie – Me
Me - OBJ
Draft 2 (1 of 2 options)
OBJ – Gauri
Gauri – Souro
Souro – Ajnu
Ajnu – Angie
Angie – Me
Me – Xobile
Angie – Gauri
Gauri – Souro
Souro – Ajnu
Ajnu – Xobile
Xobile – OBJ
OBJ – Me
The first gift of course was from OBJ to Gauri. I told him that he was very lazy and uncreative. Googled images of gems? But I guess its the thought that counts. It was very thoughtful and he expressed what he cherished. I only hope he is not so thoughtful with his mom or wife. I figured people would get OBJ right away, the entire message has a very OBJ flavor to it.
Then came Angie's which is the cleverest and cruelest of them all I think. It was extremely sweet and thoughtful of her. And boy did she remember my dislike for infants or my disdain for my eggs or that I call fetuses parasites. So she gifted me three MAD little infants or My adorable darlings as they are called. Oh the cruelty I thought, but yes Angie is right I could not help breaking into that smile and melting a bit. Trying not to show any of my softer sides.
Now Angie maybe hard for people unfamiliar to DM. She threw many off in the creative writing contest. But I figured most people who read those stories might guess here. Its totally unlike OBJ and Ajnu or Gauri totally would have pulled my leg a lot more in Secret Santa. So it should have been a tossup between Angie, Xo or Souro.
Then Xo sent his message to OBJ. I was delighted with his gifts. The reason being, I really like his writing. He does not waste space with nonsense emoticons, I habit I have been trying to cut back on. Absolutely no gaudy fonts or emoticons in that message. Moreover, that snow covered table looks just like the on on my deck. Since I live in Wisconsin, I figured that quite a few people would think its me due to all the snow. And how many times have I praised AdBlock plus on the forums. Finally a red herring. The biggest clues were the basic narrative, the Itwofs and the playlists.
The next gift was from Gauri to Souro, the dive helmet. I was totally surprised. I was expecting some mirch masala from Gauri, but she pleasantly surprised me by actually being nice to people. Actually, it might have been the most thoughtful gift that actually focused on something the receiver really enjoyed. In the end there was a bit of Gauri twist in it. But I think she cleverly left it ambiguous. It could have been anyone. Souro should have been able to narrow it down because he knows whom he discussed scuba diving with.
Finally Ajnu popped in a bit to deliver her gift to Angie. Oh man did she want to be a give away or what. Blue font, a signature of her posts. The randomness of taking a picture in the car. The 80 mph. Oh Angie, Ajnu wrote a poem for you, but did not send it because she did not like it. (Hey this was meant to be an expose - oh I did not get to read it either - so maybe together we can). It was very sweet and thoughtful. Very Ajnulike.
Although, I have to admit - I personally expected more and more creativity from Ajnu. But she is spread thin between two Secret Santas and visiting family.
Last but not least was Souro with his gift for Ajnu with his Pink theme. Is it just me or did the whole thing seem like Souro was taking Ajnu out on a date.
The whole thing was like a wooing right out of some eighties John Hughes romcom.
Roses, a ring, even a dress and look the man thought of a shawl too. Chocolates, that too kisses and indulging in all her sweet tooths? Then asking the lady for a dance....OK he sent Pink Panther, but thats the equivalent to asking a lady for a dance. So Souro took Ajnu out on a Christmas date. How romantic.
I don't think it was a dead giveaway because Souro usually is our angry hyper turtle. But the pink is a giveaway. The other could be Xobile known to consider Ajnu as his tasty side dish while he cheats on all his wives - all the while flitting between Believe and Dia. I know his heart is set on Believe.
Ok finally moi, well I was at a loss on what to give Xo. Initially, I planned to make a video of sorts - A parade of DM members to "I'm too Sexy". But I did not have time. So on Sunday evening I decided to draw a comic. I've drawn such comics before - usually stick figures kind of like XKCD, I call them glyphics. Initially, I planned on a Xo heart Believe Christmas love story, but I could not figure out how to flow the strip. Then I thought of the 'Introduction to DM' Idea and so you have it here folks. And the guess rankings:
OBJ totally wrong with guessing me and Mister. K for his Santa.
Souro bang on with picking me as 5 and Gauri as a possibility as 6.
Karan way off with me or Gauri being 3. Ok, I guess assuming me to be 3 has valid reasons.
Mister.K guess 1 = 2/7. I guess like Gauri he too was stumped by the pair theory and confusion over 8th Santa. But C'mon Ajnu and draw that - I know for a fact she considers it "rude" and would hate it if she got it as a gift. Madison maybe dreary - but the snow would be a better pick for me.
Souro 7/7. Although he called himself P!nk.
Wow Empti guesses 5 to be me because only I would remember Ping Teng.
OBJ, still convinced I'm his Santa....poor Xobi.
Gauri also thinks 3 is me.
Ah the table of snow.
But wait she dismisses the rest of it Gauri's official try 7/7. And she muddles up her number 6 with the missing Santa theory. Blame her or it!!!
SJB jumps in and waves her belan.
Mister. K second guess 5/7.
Karan - 4/7. Should he get one more for guessing me as OBJ's as well as Xobiles Santa?
Middy - 4/7
Cloddy - 4/7
No Santas, elves or reindeer were harmed in the production of this documentary. Any other people harmed,maimed, or dismembered in this production is purely unintentional, the intended result was death. The similarities between people and Santas is coincidental but highly probable.