THERE is a God! It passed! The Bush tax cuts have been extended two
years for the upper bracketeers, of which I am a proud member, thank you
very much. I'm the last person in the world I'd want to be beside, but I
am beside myself! This is a life changer, I tell you. A life changer!
To begin with, I was planning a trip to Cabo with my kids for Christmas
vacation. We were going to fly coach, but now with the money I'm saving
in taxes, I'm going to splurge and bump myself up to first class. First
class! Somebody told me they serve warm nuts up there, and call you
"mister." I might not get off the plane!
I'm also going to call the hotel and get another room so I don't have to
sleep on a cot in the kids' room. Don't get me wrong — I love a good
cot. The problem is they tend to take up a lot of room, and it's getting
a little tougher in my advancing years to fold it up and drag it to the
closet. I mean, I'd do it if I had to, but guess what? I don't! Not
with this windfall coming my way. Now I get to have my own room with a
king-sized bed. And who knows, maybe I'll even get some fancy bottled
water from the minibar. This is shaping up to be the best vacation I've
had in years.
When I get home, thanks to the great compromise, the first thing I'm
going to do is get a flat-screen TV. Finally I can throw out the 20-inch
Zenith with the rabbit ears, the one I inherited from my parents when
they died. The reception is terrible and I'm getting tired of going out
to bars every time I want to watch a game. Last month, the antenna broke
and I tried to improvise one with a metal hanger and wound up cutting
myself. Every time I see that scab, I say to myself, "If, God willing,
those Bush tax cuts are restored, I'm going to buy a new TV." Well,
guess what? They have been!
It's also going to be a boon for my health. After years of coveting
them, I'll finally be able to afford blueberries. Did you know they have
a lot of antioxidants, which prevent cancer? Cancer! This tax cut just
might save my life. Who said Republicans don't support health care? I'm
going to have the blueberries with my cereal, and I'm not talking
Special K. Those days are over. It's nothing but real granola from now
on. The kind you get in the plastic bins in health food stores. Did
someone say "organic"?
The only problem is if, God forbid, the tax cuts are repealed in two
years, how will I ever go back to Special K and bananas? Well, I did
quit smoking, so I'm sure if push came to shove I could summon up the
willpower to get off granola and blueberries. Of course, I suppose with
the money I managed to save from the "Seinfeld" syndication, I probably
could continue to eat granola with blueberries, but let's hope it
doesn't come to that.
Life was good, and now it's even better. Thank you, Republicans. And a
special thank you to President Obama and the Democrats. I didn't know
you cared.
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