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As the room plunged more and more into darkness, Geet could do nothing but cry. She didn't really know what was happening but she could tell it was not good. She was alone and cold. She was worried sick about what had happened to her baby. But above all else, she missed Maan. She felt the wetness of the tears as they rolled her face.
Suddenly the room was flooded with light – it was so strong that it nearly blinded Geet. She closed her eyes when she heard a distant sound. Squinting her eyes, she looked and tried to see where the sound was coming from, she felt a sudden sense of urgency. As she laid there and focused on the sound, it finally hit her – a baby was crying.
Was that her daughter? Did her daughter need her? Why was she crying? Was everything ok?
Those questions and a million more raced through Geet's head as the urgency she felt turned into full blown panic. Her panic grew ten fold as the light that illuminated the room began to be replaced by darkness once again. She tried to move, she tried to get up but couldn't do anything. Along with the light, the sound also began to fade as did her hope.
Her tears started again as the light nearly disappeared. She didn't want this to be the end but there was nothing she could do. The light that once illuminated the room was now merely a spot as the darkness took over. She just wanted to reach out at the light because she knew that was her last chance of getting out of the room. Then, like a miracle, it happened.
She wanted to reach for the light and she did. For the first time since she found herself in this room she moved. Her arm lifted up and reached for the light.
"It's been too long," said one of the doctors in the room. "We should stop."
"No!" Maan and Meera yelled at the same time.
As doctors, they both knew that Geet had been flat lining for too long. They knew that the chances of her coming back were close to none. Had this been any other patient, they'd have stopped a long time back. However, this wasn't just any other patient – this was Geet…Maan's Geet.
As her husband and as her friend, neither Maan nor Meera could stop. They couldn't give up because that would mean losing some that they both deeply cared for. For Maan it would mean losing the woman he'd loved since he was a teenager, it would mean losing his wife, his life partner and it would mean losing the mother of his child – he couldn't let that happen.
"Dr. Singhania…Stop," said the head of the ICU department, Dr. Steven Goodwin.
"Please doctor just…" Meera pleaded.
"Stop," Dr. Goodwin said in a very serious and morbid tone. "She's not your patient."
"Just one more," Meera said.
She didn't wait for an answer.
"Clear!" she yelled.
As everyone moved their hands off of Geet's body, the charge from the electrical panels shook Geet's body once again.
They waited silently for a response, yet all they got was the incessant solid beep of the monitor.
Maan watched as Meera dropped her head down and let go of the panels causing them to clatter onto the floor.
"No!" Maan yelled as he stormed into the room. "No, you can't give up Meera, you can't!"
The nurses surrounding Geet quickly moved away as Maan approached and stood by her side.
"Geet you can't leave me! Do you hear me!?" he roared. "You can't leave me."
His voice began to crack. He took her hand into his and as he blinked, tears fell onto her hand.
For just a second all you heard were the sobs coming from Meera, Maan and Naintara who stood like a statue by the door way.
Then, suddenly, the monitor began to beep like it does when there is a heart beat.
Every pair of eyes in the room shot to the monitor.
"Oh my God," Maan heard Dr. Goodwin say.
"Geet…" Maan called.
Before he could do or say anything else, he was literally shoved away from Geet as Meera and the nurses immediately tending to her.
"I have a pulse," one of the nurses said.
Meera had pulled out her stethoscope and listening at Geet's chest.
"Respiration, shallow but there," she said a moment later.
"She's alive?" Naintara asked in between her sniffles.
Maan went to where she stood and took her into his arms.
"She's alive," he said.
It had been nearly seven hours since the scare with Geet. Once her pulse was back, Meera and Dr. Goodwin had both kicked him out of the room so that they could focus on stabilizing Geet. As much as he fought them, they were relentless. Meera had gone so far as to saying that she wouldn't even touch Geet as long as Maan was in the room. He must have cursed at her a million times in his head.
Now, he sat in the dimly lit room alone with Geet. The only sounds that could be heard were those of the monitors in her room showing that her heart still beats. The muffled whispers of the nurses outside the room, the rolling of medication carts, the soft ringing of phones and every now and then the paging system would roar to life.
He sat silently praying for Geet to wake up. He knew that it was nothing but a miracle that Geet had come back after being gone for so long. For all intents and purposes, she'd been dead. Not once, but twice – she'd died twice. And every time, a piece of him had died with her. Each time a piece of his hope that everything was going to be alright died as well.
It was late into the night and Maan's eyes were getting heavy. He kept his hand intertwined with Geet's as he gently rested his forehead on the side of the bed. All he remembered after that was whispering her name until he was over come with sleep.
In his dream he could hear a soft, nearly inaudible sound. It sounded like someone groaning. Then, he felt something brush up against his cheek. Even in his state of sleep, Maan couldn't help but think that this dream felt too real.
Then he heard his name.
"Maan…" the voice came.
It was a soft voice, it was a sweet voice – it was a familiar voice.
Opening his eyes, Maan blinked away the sleepiness that still haunted him.
Then, he felt something against his cheek and heard his name again.
"Maan…" it came.
He sat bolt up. Was it Geet? He looked at her hand – it didn't move. He looked up at her face – her eyes were closed.
For a second, just a second, he had gotten his hopes up. For just a second he though that God had mercy on him and give another miracle. Just for a second.
"Geet…" he called softly.
And then his heart stopped, while his breath caught.
"Maan…" she said.
"Geet!" he yelled getting to his feet.
This time, his heart pumped back to life as he let go of the breath he held.
He watched as she opened her eyes and looked directly into his.
He didn't even stop the tears that began falling from his eyes or the smile that spread across his face. She was awake. His wife, his soul mate, the mother of his child was finally awake. Without wasting a second he enveloped Geet into a hug.
"You're awake…you're awake…" he kept repeating.
It wasn't until he heard her groan that he realized he was squeezing her too hard. Immediately he broke apart.
"Geet!" he said, still holding onto her shoulders, "You're awake!"
Maan was beside himself with happiness.
"Thank God," he said as he closed his eyes.
He took a moment to thank God for the miracle He had just delivered.
"Don't you dare ever do that to me again!" Maan yelled. "I nearly lost you twice. You are my wife, and don't you dare think of leaving me. I was so scared Geet you have no idea. Dodging bullets and bombs was nothing compared to the fear I felt at the prospect of loosing you."
Maan couldn't stop touching her. He stroked her hair and her cheek. He touched her shoulders and her arms.
"I love you," he said.
He leaned in and placed a kiss on her forehead.
Then he heard Geet speak.
"Water…" she said, her voice scratchy.
Maan went quickly and helped her drink some water to wet her throat.
"Where am I? What happened?" she asked softly.
"You're in the hospital," Maan said as he caressed her cheek.
"Hospital?" she said questioningly.
Maan leaned in and placed a kiss on her forehead.
"Wait I'll…" Maan began but quickly stopped.
He noticed the change in expression on her face. It went from being confused to horrified.
"Oh God…" she whispered.
Maan's heart sank as she laid her hand on her stomach expecting to feel her baby, but instead felt nothing.
"Where is our baby? What happened to her?" she asked frantically.
She was about to get out of bed but he stopped her.
"Wait Geet," he said easing her back into bed. "Let me go get the doctors so they can check you out."
Maan took a step away from her.
"Where is the baby?" she asked.
Maan's feet froze at the edge of the door. What was he going to say? How was he going to answer that question?
"Maan…" she called to him again. "Where is she?"
The fear and urgency in her voice made Maan's heart squeeze tight.
The turned his face to her and gave a small smile.
"She's with NT," he said.
He'd lied to her, for the first time ever, he lied to her. It was half a lie because Naintara really was with the baby. The lie came in because that made Geet think that the baby was fine. The look of relief on her face upon hearing that the baby was with Naintara stabbed Maan. She had no idea that her baby was fighting for her life. He didn't want to lie to her but at this point, he couldn't do anything else. He needed to make sure that Geet was ok before he told her anything.
Geet sat in her bed with a million questions running through her mind. After she'd woken up, she had been confused initially. But then, like a ton of bricks she remembered what had happened at home. The pain, the fear, the blood – all of it, she remembered all of it. When she felt her stomach, where her baby should have been, and found it flat, her heart stopped. She felt like she couldn't breathe until hearing from Maan that the baby was with Naintara.
Geet had no idea what had happened, but knowing that her baby was okay was all that she needed. Anything else she could deal with. As long as her baby happy and healthy, Geet could face anything.
Maan returned with Meera who hugged Geet as soon as she saw her. It was just a short while later that Dr. Goodwin walked in and began his exam of her. He introduced himself as the doctor over seeing her care while she was in the ICU. Between Dr. Goodwin and Meera they explained that after her delivery she'd lost so much blood that she'd fallen into a coma.
Geet was shocked to find out that she had been unconscious for nearly three days.
Once Dr. Goodwin had finished his exam, and explained all he had to, he left promising to come back in a few hours to check on her.
Then it was just Meera, Maan and her.
"What about the baby?" Geet asked.
"Why don't we wait until Dr. Collins comes," Maan suggested.
"But…" Geet began.
"Why don't I go and get Naintara," Meera offered as she got up. "She has no idea that Geet is awake…and I think we should tell her."
"Oh my God," Geet said. "Poor Di, she must be worried sick. Yes please, tell her."
Meera simply smiled as she walked to the door.
"Maan, can I talk to you for a minute," she said.
"Me…umm…sure," Maan said.
Geet became worried and Meera must have sensed it.
"Don't worry Geet, it's nothing…just some doctor talk. He won't be gone long," she said.
Maan got to his feet and placed a kiss on Geet's lips quickly.
"I'll be right back," he said before stepping out with Meera.
Geet found it odd that Meera wanted to speak to Maan privately. Since the day Meera had done Geet's first prenatal exam, there was nothing that they hid from one another. The three of them always discussed the baby together. Not just that, but through this process Meera and Geet had become close friends – probably even better than Maan and Meera were.
Geet tried to tell herself that it was probably nothing related to her or the baby, maybe it was something work related. She told herself everything was alright. However, she couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling in her chest that things weren't what they seemed.
"What is it Meera?" Maan asked as he stepped into the hall.
He watched as Meera paced and played with her thumbs.
"You need to tell her," Meera said.
"I know, but I want Dr. Collins there to explain everything to her," Maan said as he rubbed his temples in frustration.
He thought that Meera was talking about telling Geet about the real condition of the baby. That the baby was not okay, that the baby was fighting for her life. Maan wanted to tell her because he didn't want to be giving her false hope. But he also knew that he was no expert on the matter, neither was Meera, so he wanted to wait for someone who was – Dr. Collins.
"I'm not talking about the baby," Meera said.
"Then what are you talking about?" Maan asked.
"I'm talking about her hysterectomy."
Maan felt his body run cold. He'd forgotten. In the midst of everything that had happened with the baby and with Geet in the past twelve hours, he'd completely forgotten about that one detail. Geet didn't know that she couldn't have children again, she didn't know anything. It made Maan's heart ache at the thought that Geet just sat in the room oblivious to how serious this entire situation was.
"Me…you want me to tell her?" Maan asked, not expecting an answer. "No, no I can't do it."
Maan couldn't be the one to tell Geet that a crucial part of her body and of her womanhood was now gone. He couldn't – he just couldn't.
"You tell her…you're her doctor," Maan tried to reason.
He watched as Meera rolled her eyes.
"If you want I will do it…but you are her husband," Meera said. "This is life altering and life shattering news that is private. I think she would want to hear it from you because it affects you just as much as it affects her."
"But…" Maan began but fell silent.
He knew Meera was right.
"Ok, I'll do it," he agreed.
"Good," Meera said as she put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll go inform Naintara and Dr. Collins about Geet. You can decide when you want Dr. Collins to talk to her."
Maan simply nodded his head as he watched Meera walk away.
Maan took a deep breath before walking into Geet's room again.
Geet was the woman he loved, the woman he had planned his whole life with, the woman he planned to have a family with. How was he now supposed to tell her that she could never have children again? How was he supposed to go in to that room and shatter her dreams like that? How?
Those were questions that Maan didn't have the answer to.
He braced him self as he turned the handle on the door. Taking another deep breath and asking God for support, he pushed in.
Geet knew the minute he walked back into her room that something was wrong. He came in looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"Maan what happened?" Geet asked as she sat up more. "Is it the baby?"
Her breath caught.
"No…no its not," Maan said.
She let got the breath she held.
She watched as he came and sat next to her. He took her hand into his and stoked it with his thumb. He didn't look up at her, he kept his face down. As if he knew that the minute he looked into her eyes, she'd be able to read them – just like she always did.
"Maan what is it?" she asked, as she placed a hand over his.
"I have to tell you something," he said, still not looking at her.
"What is it?" Geet asked.
He suddenly fell silent.
Geet felt something wet on her hand and became confused as to where it came from. Then, when she saw his shoulders sag, she knew he was crying.
"Maan what happened?" she asked as her breathing began to shallow. "You're scaring me."
Maan looked up at her and she couldn't stifle the gasp that came. His eyes were brimming with tears and red rimmed.
"Maan…" Geet said as she placed a hand on his cheek.
"When Meera was delivering the baby…you'd lost too much blood," Maan said.
"I know. That's why I went into a coma…right?" Geet asked.
This was already information she had. Why was Maan a mess over that information?
He nodded his head.
"Yes…but…there was more," he said.
"What?" she asked, not sure if she wanted the answer.
"When the placenta detached from your uterus, it caused more damage than could be repaired…and…."
Maan couldn't continue.
"And…………" Geet asked as she held her breath. "And what?"
"In order to stop the bleeding and to save your life Meera…" Maan said but stopped again.
He took a deep breath before continuing.
"Meera had to do a hysterectomy."
Instantly she gasped as her hand went up to her mouth to cover the shock that ran through her body. A hysterectomy – they had cut out her uterus.
"What?" she said as tears formed in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry," Maan repeated as he looked at her. "They had no other option."
"Oh God," Geet said.
She couldn't stop the tears that fell from her eyes. Maan gathered her in his arms and held her as she wept. She clung to him as if her life depended on it.
She could never have children again. She was twenty three years old and had completely lost the dream of every carrying a child again. She cried for all the dreams that she'd lost in a matter of seconds. She wept for the kicks she'd never feel from a baby inside her. She wept for the first sonogram pictures she'd never have. She wept for the sorrow of never feeling immensely proud and humble at the fact that a life grew inside her. She wept at the fact that she'd never be able to give Maan another child. Her heart broke at the fact that she'd never carry his child again.
She didn't know how long she clung to him. When she'd finally let go, she realized one thing – she had a daughter. The silver lining in this mess was that she had a daughter, Maan's daughter.
"I want to see her," Geet said. "I need to see her."
She wiped her tears as Maan pulled away.
"You should wait and talk to Dr. Collins before going," Maan said. "He'll be here soon."
"No," Geet said as she shook her head. "Now, he needs to come now or else I'm just going to go and see my baby."
She was already pulling at the panels that tied her to various machines and the IV attached to her arms.
Geet needed to see her baby, she needed to hold her baby. That was the only thing that was going to make it stop hurting.
"Geet…" Maan began.
"No Maan…now," she said.
She watched as he simply nodded and left to get the doctor.
Before Maan returned, her sister came.
"Chutki," Naintara called as she rushed into the room.
"Di," Geet said as a smile spread across her face.
"Oh God," Naintara said as she took Geet into her arms. "Don't you dare scare us like that again!"
Geet hugged her sister tightly, ignoring the pain that she felt on her lower abdomen. It was the surgery incision from her C-Section.
"You scared us half to death!" Naintara complained.
"Sorry Di," Geet said in a sweet voice.
Pulling apart, Geet saw Naintara smiling and with tears in her eyes.
"Welcome back," Naintara said.
"How is she?" Geet asked.
Naintara was her sister, and Geet knew that she knew what Geet was talking about.
Naintara pushed some stray strands of hair behind Geet's ears.
"She's beautiful," Naintara said. "Just like her mother."
Geet's heart skipped a beat and she beamed with pride.
Before they could do or say anything else, Maan walked in with Meera and Dr. Collins.
"Nice to see you awake Mrs. Khurana," the doctor said.
"Good to be awake," Geet replied with a smile.
With out wasting any time she got right down to business.
"How is my baby girl?" she asked.
Geet watched as suddenly the doctor fell silent and no one looked her in the eye. Maan came and sat next to her, taking her hand into his own. Naintara placed a hand on her shoulder as if in comfort, while Meera stood by somberly.
"Mrs. Khurana," the doctor began, "I'm not going to lie to you."
And so the conversation began.
Geet sat horrified as the doctor told her exactly how her baby girl was. She was only three pounds, on a ventilator and had nothing on her side helping her except love and prayer. She sat there as the doctor explained all the complications related to such small premature babies. She listened as the doctor told her that her baby girl could have serious deficits and health issues, if she made it at all.
She held onto Maan's hand as the tears flowed with nothing stopping it.
"We are doing everything we can to make sure that your baby girl makes it," Dr. Collins said.
Geet was numb.
"No…no," she repeated. "This can't be happening. Tell me this isn't true."
Turning to Maan she looked him in the eyes and searched for answers.
Maan's eyes were filled with tears and Geet knew that it was all true.
Just moments ago she sat in her bed thinking that everything was going to be alright as long as her baby was alright. Little did she know that her world was crashing in around her and she hadn't the slightest idea.
When she had found out that she couldn't have children, she was heart broken, but she smiled at the fact that she already had a daughter, that would be enough for her. But now, there was a strong chance that she could loose that daughter.
The throbbing pain in her gut reminded her of the surgical scar she still nursed from her C-section. She laid a hand over her stomach. Just days ago everything was fine. Just days ago her baby was safe inside her, growing and developing just like she was supposed to. But now, that was not the case. Now her baby was our in this cold world fighting for her life. Her baby had started life off struggling, only God knew what was in store for her little baby girl. Only God knew.
She simply held onto Maan and cried as everyone else left the room, allowing them privacy.
"Why is this happening to us Maan? Why?" she asked in between sobs as she clutched his shirt.
"I don't know baby, I don't know," Maan said as he held her.
Then, Geet remembered. She was the one to blame.
"Oh God," she began. "It's my fault. It's all my fault!"
"What? No…no it wasn't," Maan said.
"Meera told me…she told me to pay attention to my body. She told me to pay attention to every little change and discomfort. She told me," Geet said.
Her back had been hurting, she'd been having what she thought was heart burn all day that day. Now that she thought back, even the baby had been moving less. Her body and her baby were trying to tell her that something was wrong, but she didn't bay attention. This was all her fault. Her baby was at the brink between life and death because of Geet. If she'd just paid attention like Meera had told her to, her baby would still be safe and sound inside of her.
"No Geet it is not your fault, you hear me," Maan said.
She paid no attention.
"Our daughter needs you Geet. Don't think of anything else except our daughter because she need you Geet. She needs you to fight for her because she cant," Maan ordered.
The light bulb clicked.
Now Geet realized why she woke up. That light that she'd seen, that was her baby. Her baby was calling to her because her baby needed her. That was her maternal instincts telling her to wake up because now more than ever, her daughter needed her. That is why she woke up even after so many set backs. Even with the odds against her she woke – because her baby needed her.
Geet pulled away from Maan.
"I have to see her," she said as she pulled the sheets back. "I have to see her."
"Geet wait…" Maan began.
"No! I have to see her now Maan…I have to see my baby," she pleaded.
"Ok…ok," Maan said.
She felt him grasp her arm so that he could help her up.
Just then, Meera and Naintara burst into the room looking pale.
"What happened?" Maan asked.
Geet looked behind them.
"Where is Dr. Collins?" Geet asked.
Neither Naintara or Meera spoke at first.
"He was paged to the NICU," Naintara said.
"Why?" Maan asked hesitantly.
A short silence followed.
"Why?" Geet demanded.
Meera looked up slowly.
"Her vitals are sinking," she said.
"No…" Geet heard herself whisper.
The 'her' Meera referred to was their baby – her daughter. Her baby's vitals were sinking – she was loosing her baby.
Suddenly her knees felt weak and her head began to spin. She felt an oddly warm sensation by her stomach. Looking down she saw a blood stain grow in size through her hospital gown.
She heard Maan, Meera and Naintara call out to her as the darkness closed in on her again.
There she was in a room – a pitch black room.
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