Life can be so unpredictable. You don't know what's waiting for you around the corner unless and until you reach it. There's no way to peek through the leaves and run away, turn your life around, or even restart. All you can do is simply go with the flow. But sometimes life creates some hard choices. You have to choose between two people who have impeccably influenced your life in different ways. It's like choosing between something that created us and something that keeps us going. You can't ignore the one who gave us birth, but at the same time, ignoring the one who keeps us going would be almost suicidal. That's the choice I had to make. And I didn't have to choose between two elements - I had to choose between two people I love from the bottom of my heart. Though my love is defined differently for both of them, the truth is, my life would suck without any one of them in it.
First, the guy who keeps me going. The guy who has supported me through all my odds, through all my errors, and through all my false judgements. He helped me when I wasn't myself. When I was lost between the boundaries of rich and poor, when I desperately wanted to find out where I belong - He was the one that guided me, supported me, and helped me find a way out. When I was mourning and wallowing in self-pity, about how I can't get anyone I love, about how my mother left me, my father left me - He made me feel at home, and way beyond. He was the one that was really in my life, and in my life, in a more literal sense. You know, like those hundreds of people you see in a public place, and you see one familiar face, and it strikes you so hard - He felt like that. The best friend you can ever get. The best friend people would kill for - Kabir.
And, then, the guy who created me, and is the reason for my existence. He says we have been connected in past life, and I think it's true. 'Cause whenever I am with him, it feels like Deja Vu. It feels like I belong with him - emotionally. It's not the my heart starts fluttering kind of feeling, it's more like my mind is relaxed - completely relaxed. Utmost peace you feel when you wake up after a good sleep - It was that comforting, maybe beyond. And if I start talking about the way he affects me - It would take a day, maybe more. Those eyes of him - It feels like I can gaze in them, those big brown eyes, for the whole day. I can float in them, drown in them. It's almost hypnotic. You see them, and you lose the sense of everyone else. It's only you - and those eyes. When I'm with him, it's only me and him. Abhay.
Kabir, the guy I can't live without. And Abhay - the guy I can't exist without.
My eyelids fluttered as I watched the sun set. One day. I had one day to decide who I want more, need more, who I crave for. And I couldn't. I just couldn't. I knew I would break in pieces without Abhay - the kind of break that can never, ever be stuck back together. And I might even regret the decision. But living without Kabir was suicidal. He was the guy I could always count upon - the guy I ran upto when tears would fall from what Abhay did. My relationship with Abhay had never been easy. He hurted me, emotionally and physically. And he always beared Kabir's grunt. And they always fought. I always used to think that I am the reason behind it, and I cursed myself for it. Why did I let Abhay hurt me? Why did I let Kabir hurt him? If I had done something, If I had stopped them.. Maybe this day would never have come. Maybe they would have turned friends. But it was too late. So late that they couldn't bear to look at each other without remorse, hatred, and agitation in their eyes. And the fact that burned me was that I am the reason. And I almost took this decision as a punishment - of losing one of my two precious gems because of the mistake I made. If only I had done something...
I shook my head as I tried to sort my feelings out. But there was no use. Just no use. I knew who I wanted more - I knew who I craved for - But I couldn't make myself to accept it - to accept the fact that I might never get to see Kabir again, meet Kabir again, talk to Kabir again, cry on Kabir's shoulders again.
Tears started fluttering from my eyes as my brain registered the fact. No Kabir. Forget Kabir. I tried to stop the tears, wipe them all out, but there was no use. They kept coming, coming, and coming. I turned around and crashed into someone head-first. The warmth. I was so familiar to this warmth. ''Kabir.'' I let out a sob. Tears stopped flowing. I was in the arms of a man I desperately loved in my own way, and one I might never get to see again.
''Sssh.'' He wiped the tears off my face and let out a small smile. But I could see it. The sadness in his eyes. What struck so hard for me was harder for him, since he loved me more than I could ever love him. I hugged him tighter. He didn't do anything to deserve it. ''I am sorry.'' I managed to say. I looked up at him, and the wave of sadness almost toppled me over. I removed the eye contact and said, again. ''I am sorry, Kabir. I am sorry.''
''Sssshh, Pia.'' He tilted my chin up. ''You don't have to say sorry. You know it's not your fault. Nothing is your fault.'' I opened my mouth to protest, but he placed a hand on my mouth. ''Sssh. I know. All you ever felt for me was friendship, and will always be.'' He sighed. ''I was the one who saw false dreams. you did nothing to encourage it, Pia. You have a full right to fall in love with someone, and that person need not be the person who fell in love with you.''
''I do love you, Kabir. I really do.'' I said.
''I know you do. But it's different, isn't it?'' He cupped my face. ''Pia, I love you, but I don't expect you to love me back, neither do I expect you to make this decision for me. I know how it feels to let go of the person you love, and I don't want you to make that mistake - especially when you are lucky enough to get a person who loves you back, unlimitedly and unconditionally. You are lucky, Pia. And I don't want to ruin it for you. Go, Pia. The guy's waiting for you.'' He pointed to a dark shadow in the woods. A low sigh rippled through the air. Waiting. He was waiting for me to make the decision. But I already made it, or rather, Kabir made it for me. I turned to run, but stopped, and whispered to Kabir, ''You know what? My life would suck without you.''
He smiled. A sad smile. I didn't want this. I didn't want bad memories of the last time I spend with Kabir. It needs to be something I can last forever upon. I smiled and stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his. Not a passionate kiss, just a sweet little peck. ''I love you Kabir, I always did, and I always will.'' I let go of him, and he grinned. A wide grin. It was like..Kabir. My Kabir. And I grinned back.
I turned toward the woods, and ran towards Abhay. But just before crossing the boundary line, I heard Kabir say, ''My life would suck without you too, Pia. I love you too, forever and always.'' I held Abhay's hands and glanced back at the man - at my best friend - and relived the memories, what's possibly gonna be all I have of him now.