Joined: 28 August 2009
When someone asked me that why am I so shy, the only answer that I gave in response was the shrug of my shoulders. I really don't know, but maybe God made me like this. My friends call me perfect. I mean I excel in everything I do, studies being an exception as I hardly ever study. I am a champ in singing, dancing, painting, acting, cooking etc. I know that I know everything yet when anyone praises me, I blush. I don't know why, but I keep a distance around all the boys. It maybe due to some fear, or something that I yet need to acknowledge, but I am sure that no can be so downright stupid like me.
I am literally mad to tell you. People say that I underestimate myself. Well, I know this fact, but this thing helps me in urging myself to do things more perfectly. I am such a chatterbox when I am with my friends and such a dumb when I am with someone else. Boys being the keyword. Yup, I fumble with them I can't talk to them due to some unknown fear. Or maybe I know the fear.
I was sitting in my class. My partner was absent. I often wonder that when would she learn to tell me the date. I was getting so bored and so impatient. How can you sit idle without anyone there to talk to? I can't! I am so talkative. Uh! Why does she do this to me? I hate her yet I love her a lot.
Anyways, it was our maths period and this time our class becomes over crowded. All the other section children come to our class and we study together. I was sitting alone so I was mentally praying to God that I should stay idle only. I didn't want to sit with a jerk that would blabber and blabber. I was desperately wishing for it, when I saw him and Adil come towards my seat.
Please God don't let him or Adil sit near me. I knew why I avoided boys; it was because none of them was like him. Mayank has a different aura around him and I liked him. Only like. That's what I had been trying to teach myself since the day I came to know about my behavior. My heart flutters near him. He was my best friend, but somehow I totally ignored him when I came to know about my crush on him. And with time, he too never came to talk to me.
It wasn't that I was unhappy or so. I was happy with my life and loved it the way it was, but somehow I missed him. I missed his talks, I missed his cute excuses for not studying, I missed the smile he used to pass at me whenever I was angry, I missed how I used to scold him that I won't make his projects but he somehow used to pacify me, I missed how he used to come closer to me and increase my heartbeats and then used to maintain a distance and laugh at my shocked face, I missed his naughty acts, I missed how he used to pass me chits whenever I was busy studying and he wanted to talk, I missed the punishments we used to get due to him, I missed how he used to nudge my elbow for me to pay attention at him.
But I have moved on in life. Yet I feel insecure around him. I fear that maybe my x-crush on him comes live. I used to like him, or may still like him. But I don't want to talk to him. He has his girlfriend, Pallavi. Pallavi is my friend but she always told me that Mayank was just her friend. But I think she loves him. Well, I know I sound as if I have an experience in love, but I don't know if I know what love is.
But what my idea about love is, I think love is a pure feeling. A feeling of completeness. And I never felt complete with anyone. Maybe my special someone hadn't arrived yet. Yet I still feel that there is something about Mayank that attracts me all the time. I don't know why, but I feel happy when he is there. Maybe, its infatuation.
Well, my chain of thoughts was broken by Adil and Mayank. Mayank sat on my table and Adil too came up in front of me. They both weren't talking to me of course. Who would talk to Miss-reserve-kind-of-girl? Well, but Mayank and Adil were talking to my friends who were sitting in front of me. They asked her to make their projects. Laziness personified!
I was trying to control myself not to laugh, when Gunjan was making it evident that she won't be making their projects. She was already making Samrat's project. I wanted to help, but I myself hadn't made my projects. So how could I make his? Besides, we don't talk even! Oh damn it! I couldn't even help my x-best friend.
Then he had to go away as the teacher had come. Adil asked me if he could sit next to me, well I had no problem so I said, "Hmm." Nothing more and nothing less. My friends and Adil chatted while after so many years, I started drifting towards the memories of my past. I remembered each of his acts. Everything was so beautiful to me.
Mayank was sitting with one of his friend. Pallavi was absent today. I stole glances at him but thankfully never got caught. But then I realized that I should talk to everyone. I too was indulged in the conversation Adil was having with my friends. Adil's talks were making me smile and laugh. I never knew that he was so sweet.
I too started talking to Adil. But I realized that slowly and slowly, while talking, the distance between me and Adil was decreasing. He was leaning towards my side. I don't know whether it was intentionally or not, but I was feeling suffocated. When our hands got brushed, I removed my hands and drifted more towards the wall. But Adil was too busy to notice my nervousness.
Adil was talking to my friend who was sitting right before me. He was leaning towards her, but unknowingly, he was coming closer to me. Now I was feeling really uncomfortable. When I felt our shoulders brush, I was damn uncomfortable. No one noticed how I felt. But then I couldn't just plainly tell Adil to move back because he wasn't doing it intentionally.
Then Mayank came over to us. How could he see? He stared at me in my eyes. I could do nothing than to show what I was feeling. My eyes speak a lot. He just asked Adil to move back as he wanted to discuss about the project with my friends too. Well, Adil was finished with projects talks, so he obliged. Mayank came and sat next to me.
When he sat with me, I felt comfort. Thank god that person was replaced. Mayank squeezed my hand and I smiled at his gesture. He hasn't changed. He always shows his emotions by gestures rather than by words. Adil's closeness was petrifying me. But now with him besides me, I felt secure. God knows why. Now that he just at few distance from me, I realized how much I missed him. But what does it matter anymore?
He is happy in his life and has moved on. He loves Pallavi. The worst way to miss someone is to sit next to them and know that they'll never be yours. I remembered how we used to fight on the topic called love. I never used to believe in love, while he was such a believer in love.
I used to ask him many a questions which showed that love doesn't exist. I remember one such incident when he had told me clearly that love does exist. He told me that love was a beautiful feeling that engulfs your heart. I just remember everything he used to say. But I am in love with him. How can I love him? I don't even know what love is!
Mayank had said, "You know what? Love is such a beautiful feeling that one can't live without it. You may not be able to see it, but you can feel it. It's one of the purest feelings that engulf every pain. When you are in pain, it pains him more than you can even think. You cry out and shed tears, while he has to console you as well as make sure that he doesn't spills his tears out. One day you would understand that."
I was always shocked that how did he knew so much about love. But I never accepted my defeat. I used to ask silly questions to him which he had no answer. He was void when he heard my questions. He knew nothing and I always won.
I used to ask, "They say love is like magic, but isn't magic just an illusion? Why does a rose represents love when a rose always dies?"
Oh I remember all our chats. I know I walked away from his life when I should have stayed. I said a goodbye and I know that it was my worst mistake. Oh damn me! I like him a lot! I am a fool not to sense that! Now I know all the answers to my questions, but what use is it? Today I have realized my love for him as well as realized that I have lost him. Forever.
"What is the use of loving someone when you know that he can't be yours?" I always used to ask him this. Today, I had all the answers but I lost the one whom it did matter. I knew why we wait in love, why a rose represents love, why love is magic. I knew everything! But I lost the one who made me realize that! Sad, but true, sometimes love doesn't finds its own way. In front of others, he was besides me, but only I knew how far he was from me.
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|That one girl...oneshot!||legallyzoya||8||878||24 October 2009 at 12:59am