Posted: 17 September 2010 at 9:00pm | IP Logged
September 17th 2010 – Recorded Diary of Gopi Aham Modi
Kanaji, I have never been so scared in my life. When that chor had his knife to my throat I thought I was going to die. But I had to put all that aside to save my family. If I died my biggest regret would have been not saying good bye to Ahamji and that I would have missed our life together. I hope Ahamji didn't mind too much listening to me talk about the chor before he caught him. I know he doesn't like to be near me. He is so brave.
When he came into my room at first I thought he was going to be angry with me again and tell me that I shouldn't have come near him today or talked to him. But he only wanted to help me. He is such a generous soul, even though he doesn't like me, he wanted to help me. My heart was still racing from the chor incident all I wanted to do was accept his help and ask him to stay near me all night. His presence in our room calms me and even though I am afraid of him, being near him gives me a feeling of security that I have never felt before meeting him. But that can never be I have taken my un-marriage vows, I must stick to them and not bother him.
But just for a minute *her voice breaks* I wanted to enjoy being near him and listen to the concern in his voice. I know he would have been concerned for anyone in the family but for a minute I wanted to pretend and not be scare anymore, not be alone anymore, not be lonely any more, for once have someone of my own, just for a minute I wanted to feel that I belonged to someone and not be the outsider. Just for a minute I wanted….*starts crying again*
September 17th 2010 – Personal Journal of Aham Parag Modi
Will this day never end? It went from bad to worse to going down as the worst day of my life. I have been all over the map today. When I heard Gopi's voice screaming for help and realized that she was in danger I was beside myself. I don't know what I was going to do, I was so angry and scared for at the same time. But that girl has no sense she had handled the chor all by herself without any regard for herself or her safety. Would you believe she threw black pepper in the chor's eyes to disarm him and it worked too because he let her go and ran away. Did she even realize what kind of danger she was in? What he could have done to her? But no she sat down at the table and served him pineapple before she handled him. When I think of the danger she put herself in and all the things that could have happened to her, even now I get absolutely livid. Listening to Jigar and the police officer talk about her actions did calm my anger and I didn't yell at her or shake some sense into her the way I wanted.
When I walked by her room and saw that the chor actually had hurt her I was appalled. Why didn't she tell anyone? Or ask anyone for help? No, she was trying to put the ointment on herself when even I could see, just walking by, that she was in great pain. The look of sheer fear on her face at the sight of me did something inside me. I don't know but I felt a stab in a place deep in my heart that I didn't know existed. I wanted to take her in my arms and assure her that I would not hurt her but protect her and not let anything happen to her. Maybe having her in my arms would have reassured me that everything was okay. Then she turned her beautiful face away from me. Is this what I have driven her to? My wife refuses to talk to me? Refuses to look at me? The fact that she would rather be in pain than accept my help hurts at a level I didn't know was possible.
I just want today to be over so that tomorrow I feel like myself again. *gently closes the journal and looks out the window deep in thought*
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