Posted: 06 August 2010 at 12:56am | IP Logged
Alright I am engaging in a necromantic endeavor and bringing back a topic to life again. While the title borrows itself from a lengthy and intriguing discussion initiated by Mister. K this topic has not much to do with it. But forewarned it is probably equally as lengthy and dry to some. Either way Mister. K had embarked on a logical scientific quest. To explain his physical being, the existence of the matter that forms Mister. K. He concluded he is a quantum fluctuation in a quantum vacuum.
That is not a realm I am exploring. In fact mine deals with aspects that some of the more rational minded people might frown on. I'm digging deeper into sociology, psychology. I'm trying to explore my consciousness, my soul. These thought processes, these emotions, these experiences, these memories, these ideas, this sense of right and wrong, these feelings, these things inside my head that - what does it all mean. Who am I. There is a quantum fluctuation in a quantum vacuum, and that fluctuation is RTH. I don't give a damn about the physical properties or why the vacuum or the fluctuations exist. But who really is RTH? What is RTH all about? Once again who I am.
One of my favorite books of all times is Alice in Wonderland. Its a really wonderful book, manifesting the curious states of mind from our real world in the most absurd context of wonderland. For example the caucus race where everyone keeps running but no one really wins. Either way - one of my favorite lines is "I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see".
Indeed i often find myself in a conundrum unable to explain myself because I am not myself. However, the bigger conundrum I think I face is I am not really sure who myself really is. Am I myself now typing this or will I be myself tomorrow at work or will I be myself when I catch some shut eye and transport myself into wonderland courtesy the REM cycle. Or is myself a grand total of these varying myself(s). Which makes me wonder would this grand total myself be a constant or a variable. Is there a different myself every second? How will I ever be myself and know that I am myself so that I can explain myself?
This real world itself is such a wonderland at times. Society the architect constructing places, cultures, communities we live and grow in. We are walking through trying to solve this wonderland maze that is life, but you have to often stop and wonder - are we playing the maze or is it playing us. We are always trying to hold our heads above water. But Freud said that most of our ego, Id and superego is below the surface. What we are aware of is only the tip of the ice-berg. Maybe we need to hold ourselves under the water, drown in it and chip away at what lies beneath.
Anyway to simplify these complicated ponderings into laypersons terms - terms we all can wonder and explore.
Who am I - I am a girl, I am an Indian, I am a Konkani, I am a Gujarati, I am a Bombayite, I am a Maharashtrian, I am an American, I am an NRI, I am an ABCD, I am an IBCA, I am a Hindu, I am a Brahmin, I am a hick, I am a peasant, I am a Wisconsinte, I am a Madisonian, I am a student, I am an employee, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a friend, I am a liberal, I am a Democrat, I am funny,I am too serious and so an and so forth.
What do these labels mean? Why do we apply them so casually so easy? Its a nice little system to make boxes with labels, stick people in there and organize. But somewhere down the line it gets a little fuzzy. In some systems that liberal thing does not gel well with the American thing, or really the peasant or hick thing. That Hindu Brahmin thing really does not fit well with the cheeseburgerlover thing. Am I these labels? How many are there? If I slowly peel of each and every label what will be left? Would it be a mass of nothingness or would I still exist? Would it still be me?
Under a different set of circumstances would I still be RTH, is what is me inarguably, unchangeably me - or would I be Ajnu or Middy or Mahi or OBJ or K or POH or *shudders* Believe.
Who are we really? The religion, faith we hold with so much conviction, is it genuine conviction or because there was no other way. Would we have such conviction in whatever we believe no matter what? What if Moses was Ramses and Ramses was Moses? What if Osama Bin Laden had been born to George and Laura and George Jr. in Afghanistan?
The patriotism, the national identity, the country, the culture we so fervently hold on to often trampling upon other in our feverish zeal - how deep really is this layer of pride - what would it be if we were born across the border or across the globe?
Our choices, our lifestyles, our ethics - are these who we really are or are these who we are led to believe who we are? Are we who we are because of our friends & family& people we know or are they ours because of who we are?
Amidst all this chaos, amidst all these labels, the question resounds? Who Am I? Will the real RTH please stand up.