Joined: 28 December 2006
heya guys welcome
Joined: 28 December 2006
pain defines love
Standing there in front of that place I questioned myself again.
What the hell was I doing here???
Wasn't I already in enough of pain?
Why did I came here every evening to be broken into pieces yet again..
I looked at the door to the outhouse of my old mansion
It looked lonely just as me
It was raining heavily n I was already drenched completely
I looked at the door
At the vines draping the railings
I looked over all these things n waited for the emotional assault to begin
No memories attacked me
Neither of the happy old times
Nor of the time in which I destroyed everything that mattered to me
The rain speeded up ,, so much that the outhouse was almost made invisible by it .. almost
.i moved forward slowly letting the cold rain n heavy wind cut through me with every step.
Pain was good I deserved it
I deserved every ounce of punishment I could manage to get from anywhere
That was the reason I visited this place every day
Just to be tormented by the memories associated with this place
I wanted punishment of my deeds
N as everyone had left me
This was all I could do to punish myself..
I walked a little faster now
Eager for the pain of lose to hit me
N as I stepped on the first of the stairs
Memories indeed hit me
The first one was of her
The one life I ended
"ise kya hua??"
With my voice a mental flashback of college corridor appeared .
Gunjan n nupur were walking side by side
Nupur leaning on chashmish's shoulder n was almost sleeping
Gunjan gestured towards me saying that di needed sleep ,I smiled
It was so like our nupur
She opened one eye n said
"dekho tum dono mere ass paas normal behave karo varna mujhe darawane darawane sapne aayenge"
I laughed .
"gunjan aur kitna chalna padega , yeh class kab aayegi??"
"nupur kaho to mein tumhe apni bahon mein utha k le chalun??"
"haan haan pls"
"sorry samrat..yeh mayank ki vajha se mera dimag kharab ho gaya hai"
the flashback ended on a gasp from me
Yes the pain came ,gnawing at my insides
It was good I deserved it
I needed to suffer for ending it all
I took another step
Another memory this time featuring my best friend
My x-best friend
"ise cupboard mein chipa dete hai"
"haan samrat cupboard mein to baby ko itni taazi hawa milegi k vo jaldi badi ho jayegi"
"to bathroom mein"
"haan kitna conveneinthai na agar use bathroom jaana hoga to toilet to saamne hi hoga"
"to bed k neeche??"
"dude jagha batao mein ise chupa deta hun"
"acha acha theek hai bed k neeche"
By now My wounds were exposed
The crazy rain mixed my tears with it.
Good if anyone passed me
He or she wont notice that I was wailing like hell
But who would pass me now??
Who would want to come near me now??
Haven't I already driven each n every one of them away from me forever??
Pain , blistering, senseless pain rocked through my body
It was soo much to endure n yet it wasn't enough..
I took the Next step
N this memory knocked me breathless
As I felt her voice in the flashback
"samrat tum pagal ho"
"pagal to mein ho gaya hun chashmish tumhare pyaar mein"
"samrat pls sab log dekh rahe hain"
"to dekhne do chashmish mein sab ko batanna chahta hun k mein tumse kitna pyaar karta hun"
Chashmish turned n looked around at the students gathering in the bb court
She looked embarrassed
I bend forward n utilised the opportunity to kiss her on the cheek
She looked at me stunned
N with in seconds the astonishment on my act turned to a lovely blush
No more I could endure no more..
I collapsed on the steps there itself
And sat their feeling the pain of it all crashing over me
Wave by wave
I could hear the silent sobs that got build up in my chest
No one else would be able to hear them
That is ,if there was anyone else to be beside me
I looked around in desperate hope of spotting someone
I had driven everyone away
I had destroyed everyone
I had finished several lives in one single go
Great samrat u deserve an applause..
Guilt strong ,hot unendurable guilt blistered through my veins.
I closed my eyes n sobbed silently
Begging everyone to forgive me
Though I knew no one would
As Not even I could do that
I was walking the familiar path after three long years..
I had no idea why I chose this day to come here
To visit this old house of di n jiju
To visit the old mansion in which my first love samrat shergill used to live??
What did I intend to find in those ruins??
Why was I visiting that once happy place
That to today..the day when long back all of it was destroyed by none other then the person I loved the most??
Pain took a swipe at me as I remembered him
I won't think about that person who destroyed my life
It was selfish n stupid of me to even come here
I should turn back right now n go to the orphanage I was working on currently
N yet I could not make my feet to take a step in opposite direction
It was as if the mansion was exercising a strange pull to attract me
N I was willingly giving in too that pull
So I walked forward towards my doom getting drenched in this rain ..
Rain was painful for me too
As I remembered one such rain of long time ago when I had given myself too him completely
When me and samrat had become one
No no gunjan don't take his name
U r no longer his chashmish
That girl got killed long ago
U r just gunjan now
With that thought the pale lucid face of my sister came into my view
When she was declared dead after fighting against coma for days in the hospital
I remembered mayank's face when he looked at his dead wife
I remembered them both n relived the hell of long time ago
Something got shattered in me again
No I couldn't still love the guy who had destroyed it completely
I didn't love him
I hated him
I would make myself hate him
I would continue to hate him
I didn't realise but I was already standing in front of the outhouse where my di n jiju used to live
There was someone sitting huddled up on the stairs
It was too difficult to make up who he was in this heavy rain
But suddenly my heat at started beating faster
It felt as if it wanted to break free from my body n go away to someone else??
What was happening
I suddenly felt terrified
As it hit me
What was I doing here
Why why had I allowed my self to some soo close to the past that was soo painful??
Why had I suddenly allowed myself to come so close to him
N who the hell that guy was who was sitting on the stairs like that in this heavy rain???
I gasped ,the rain had suddenly become chilling
Bone deep chilling
Who was that guy??
The boy looked up as if my gasp had been a shriek he heard across a silent sea
He looked up n met my eyes
And I froze
With me all my emotions froze too
Everything froze in that one second as I looked towards him
As my eyes locked in his
I had no idea how much time passed then
Was it few minutes or several hours??
Or had a whole era passed between me and him already???
My legs give away n I slumped on the concrete pavement just in front of the old house of my killed sister n bereaved brother in law
Locked in the eyes of that one person who destroyed it all
Rain felt good
I had always loved rain
This rain had not long ago gifted me something that made my life worthwhile
This rain had gifted me her
But then I had,with the help of my destructive hands destroyed everything
Another sob built inside me
I felt wretched as usual
Punishing myself this way was the only thing that made this life bearable
Another voice ringed in my ears
"itna kuch barbaad kar ke bhi tum apne saath kaise jii rahe ho samrat??"
He hated me
Ofcourse he would
I needed to be hated
I deserved it
Yet still I wished once if they would forgive me give me a chance to rectify my mistakes
How could I ever rectify them..
I heard a gasp then from somewhere in the loneliness around me
Was their someone out here in this storm beside me??
I looked up instinctively
N found my eyes locked in those of a girl standing a few feet away from me..
on seeing that girl my heart beat had increased many fold
I didn't recognize her
But may be my body did..
Or my soul did
Who was she
This rain made it all the more difficult for me to see her..
N then I saw her falling on the pavement as if her legs had given away
I recognized her
Everything in me became undone.
The grief the guilt the love the pain
Everything increased manifold
So much that it was entirely impossible for me to even breathe..
Was I seeing a dream in my nightmare
Was I allowed to even dream of her
Was my angel back??
No no samrat don't get ur hopes high
Hope is something that has completely gotten burned away from ur pathetic life
I broke the eye lock
She was not for real
N this pain was much more then I could endure
I got up then n turned away from my imagination who was still sitting in that miserable posture on the road
I turned away from her n faced the door to the outhouse
With a click I opened it
N I went inside
The sudden warm air that welcomed me in that litte house did nothing to improve my chilled nerves
My eyes went straight to the wall
On that group photograph of the four of us
Me my love my best frind n that someone special who was no longer alive
Thanks to me..
I crawled to that picture n taking the small frame in my hand I caressed it
Its glass had been broken long ago
N yet still seeing that picture filled me with nostalgia like never before..
Why was I still on floor??
That guy was just my imagination
Samrat had been my imagination
If he had been for real then he would not have walked away from me
Gunjan get a grip pls
Finish what u had come to do here
Go inside n relive the moments that ur sister once lived
I should get up shouldn't i??
Moreover there was a strange pull with which the house was nviting me
I had seen my imaginative samrat going inside that door..
That stopped me
No no gunjan he wasn't for real remember???
Yes I did remember
Slowly I managed to get up n walk towards the door
I suddenly felt more serene then ever
Though my heart was still beating at a high rate n yet it felt that I was finally at peace
As if my soul had finally found its destiny
What rubbish am I talking??
Shut up gunjan n just walk in
My hand felt strangely cold over the door knob
But I clicked it open
N saw him standing there with a photograph in his hand n
Tears spilling from his eyes
I froze…yet again..
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