Ok girls, I'm feeling cheated.
Because after the first Sajan meeting in three years at the panipuri stall, I wanted to see Gunjan's reactions too - not just a dialogue by Mayank that you haven't slept the whole night ... 😡
So I wrote a scene ... for all of us 😳
She walked away from Samrat, head held high. She didn't love him
anymore. She didn't. He had killed her sister. How could she love him?
And if she told herself that often enough, she might even convince
herself one day.
She went into her bedroom and walked slowly to the mirror and
stared at herself. She had changed, she knew. The simple, plain girl from three
years ago, the shy, underconfident girl, who had always thought herself not
good enough for the hottest guy of the college, yet had found herself the
object of his love and adoration, the quiet girl who had adored him back, who
had lived for him, who used to get frantic if she didn't see him for more than
a few hours … where had that girl gone? And where was the girl who had promised
to spend her life with him, never leave him, ever? She knew so well what Samrat
had gone through in his life, his loneliness, his fear of abandonment, his
feeling that everyone whom he loved, he lost … and she had promised him that
she would never do that to him.
And yet, she had. She had left him without a word, had walked away
without even seeing if he was all right, if he had recovered from that accident
which had claimed her sister. So lost had she been in holding herself together,
in comforting Mayank, that she had not spared a thought for him, her love, her
life, her fianc. And when she did think of him, all she could remember were
her last words to him – Samrat, slow down please!
And he hadn't.
And her sister had died.
She hated him. Hated herself for living, hated him for not
listening to her, not changing the wheels of fate, allowing her sister to die
when she could have lived.
And yet, today when she had looked into his eyes, and seen his
love, all she could think of was going into his arms and sobbing her heart out.
Why did he still love her, she thought fiercely. Why couldn't he
hate her too? She had walked out on him, broken all her promises, left him
alone and bereft – why didn't he hate her? Curse her, shout at her? Then she
could shout back, let her feelings out, let herself go as she had not been able
to for three years.
Three years. Three years of holding back, of holding herself in, of
silent tears, shed in the quiet of the night so that Mayank, or her father would
not hear her, would not rush to comfort her. Because she didn't want their
comfort. They didn't understand her pain. Only one person understood her pain,
had ever understood her so well, better than she even understood herself. It
was only his arms she wanted, she craved. And they were the only refuge she
denied herself.
She slipped into bed, held the pillow tightly and allowed the
memories to flow. She had held them in check for three years, clamped back
whenever they threaten to spill, but today she was defeated. The look in his
eyes had defeated her and she let the memories spill out with her tears. Their
first meeting, the pool where he had saved her, Bhavesh, the teasing. The
Talent Parade, her first song on stage, while he smiled at her and played the
guitar for her. The bet. Her anger, the breaking of their fragile friendship.
And then their first Valentine's night. When they had come together
again as friends, but in a bond far stronger than any friendship, though
neither had known it at the time. A bond forged that night, which was never to
be broken again, through all the ups and downs that followed. And when she had
fled to Morena and he had followed her, that bond was given a new name – love.
They thought their love was forever. Even when Suhani came, their
love stood strong. Samrat held it together, not giving up when she would have
done during her paralysis, not giving up ever whenever she went away from him.
Only when Neil came, did he falter, because he thought he had hurt her, which
he never wanted to do. And it had been her turn to win him back, a task which
had been so easy, because wherever they went, they never went too far from each
other. They couldn't. And this last time, when they had come together, it had
been for a lifetime. An engagement. The prelude to the rest of their lives
together. Even though Nupur was going away for three years, she still had
Samrat. And he was the world for her.
So what happened? The accident.
Why? She whispered, the tears spilling in a never-ending stream.
Why did it happen this way? We were so happy, then why? Were the gods angry
with us? Did we tempt fate by showing our joy? Everything was going to be all
right, everything was wonderful.
And why can't I forget? Why can't I leave those memories behind? Why
do I see him everywhere, his smile, his teasing, the way he held my hand, the
way he pulled me to him, the way he held me in his arms … the way he loved me.
Made me feel as though I was the most special girl in the world, made me feel
beautiful, confident, happy. Made me feel secure in his love and in his arms,
so I never needed any place else to be.
She turned on her side, remembering. Zindagi do pal ki …
He had proposed on the road, in front of strangers and had hugged
her in public when she said yes. And then … that magical night … spent in each
others' arms, a night when they had forgotten the world outside. They were
their world, their only world. Each other … that was all they needed. And she
had given herself to him freely, joyfully, knowing she was his and he was hers.
She sobbed softly, remembering that night. Samrat, she whispered.
How can I live without you? How can I carry on? I need you, I need your love …
to heal me, to make me forget.
But when she looked in his eyes, he hadn't forgotten either. He was
hurting as much as she was. And if they got together now, their combined grief
would drive them under. One of them had to be strong – they usually took it in
turns, but this time … this time, they were both in need of strength, and neither
had that strength to call on.
Samrat, she whispered. Samrat. I want to forget you. But I can't.
Show me how to. Show me how to hate you.
She couldn't do either. During the day, she could hide her tears, her
pain, her loneliness, but at night, the longing surfaced. The longing for that
embrace that held her together, those arms that were her refuge and her home,
the love which was her life, the passion which brought her to life. And the man
who was her everything.
The next morning, she was back to normal. Smiling, laughing with
the children. She almost lost it when Mayank came and asked her if she had
slept well – he noticed her swollen eyes. But she hid them from him by turning
away and by her determined cheerfulness. He didn't understand her well enough
to see through her lie. And then he mentioned Excel.
Excel. Samrat.
For three years she had kept the memories at bay, but they were
coming back. Forcing themselves back. As though fate was telling her that
enough was enough, she had to stop running. Stop hiding. She would have to face
him sooner or later, and it seemed that fate had decided sooner. And that
'sooner' was now.
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