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SACRIFICE...! (my story) :D

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somu_05

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somu_05

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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 10:15pm | IP Logged

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suhaani.cidmjht

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suhaani.cidmjht

Joined: 12 April 2009

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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 10:27pm | IP Logged
it is creative, very well written and very original!Clap keep it up! we shud be seeing ds on tv....Thumbs Up gr8 job Smile Smile

prabha.

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prabha.

Joined: 05 July 2005

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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 11:02pm | IP Logged

Nice interesting story. Well formated, easy to read.

I want to suggest two corrections though. I will be glad if you consider them.

 
Originally posted by somu_05

Daya : yes sir..!! par Abhijeet ka yaa to mujh par vishwas nahi raha ya fir Freddy ki baat sahi hai sir..!!
 

Naah, that's not Daya Sir's reaction especially "Freddy ki baat sahi hai sir" he would be suspicious, yes but not suspecting that Abhi Sir got scared. Naah, can you please change this dialog.

 
Originally posted by somu_05

Exchange of bullets takes place....Abhijeet shoots down two terrorists... suddenly the leader jumps forward and shoots Abhijeet on his HEAD...! Abhijeet gets hit and falls down...!!
 

Don't show Abhi Sir being hit by bullet in the head. Then its practically impossible for him to survive that long and even more to be able to do what he did in the hide out. See Abhi Sir is going to be badly injured due to the blast, you can say that the leader hits him on the head with something to make him unconscious.

 
Now some suggestions. I know Abhi Sir's "Hein" is talked about and even liked by many but I don't think that needs to be highlighted all the time. At many times it seems forced, not just your story but in general almost everyone tends to go overboard with it. So that can be reduced.
 
Rest I loved the story, loved the flow, Daya-Abhi bonding and finally thanks for presenting Freddy like I have always wanted to see him, jovial but not a joker, silly but not stupid. Good you gave Tasha something to do as well. Good work. Keep it going. A Big Thank you for no love story.


Edited by prabhanarayan - 07 April 2010 at 2:53am

somu_05

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somu_05

Joined: 11 January 2010

Posts: 772

Posted: 06 April 2010 at 11:07pm | IP Logged
I ll surely correct the Daya freddy part..!!

and for teh Abhi sir getting hit by bullet... i guess i forgot to add the bullet toucked and shot off..! ( you knw goli choo k nikal gayi) and that makes it quite quite possible for a man to survive...! ( as in gavah bana shikaar) thats why the doc says we ll have 2 see goli kitni paas se choo k gayi hai..!

and thnx for the suggestions..! m working on it..!

prabha.

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prabha.

Joined: 05 July 2005

Posts: 6852

Posted: 06 April 2010 at 11:17pm | IP Logged
My suggestion for Daya Sir's dialog, what do you think?
 

Daya : Haan Sir, Abhijit kuch to chhupa raha hai, par kya, bahut pareshaan bhi lag raha tha, kyon hatvaya hoga usne mujhe Gate No 2 se. Kya use meri kabiliyat par bharosa nahin raha [confused] kya karan ho sakta hai.



Edited by prabhanarayan - 07 April 2010 at 2:54am

shreela

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shreela

Joined: 24 December 2009

Posts: 1505

Posted: 06 April 2010 at 11:24pm | IP Logged
OHH, it's great yaar! ClapClapClap brilliant story!Clap I want to see it on-screen soon! I am to see the Freddy-Abhi bond. It is also as cute as Abhi-Daya bonding.

sunnyp1414

IF-Dazzler

sunnyp1414

Joined: 22 November 2009

Posts: 3085

Posted: 06 April 2010 at 11:25pm | IP Logged
Very well written and I like everyone has something to do. Nice flow and easy to read and imagine. And yes as is told before If a bullet fires on head that person dies at that point only and thanks at last you made him remember everything. Generally if something hits on Abhi's head there are chances he may forget something of what happened.


Edited by sunnyp1414 - 06 April 2010 at 11:27pm

visrom

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visrom

Joined: 26 November 2009

Posts: 27595

Posted: 06 April 2010 at 11:28pm | IP Logged
Very nice story....can we have a thread where all these wonderful stories are stored? There was the other story 2 days back...and the ones by Puja....they are all lost somewhere.
 
 

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