I don't know why I began. But began, I did. I don't know why I will end. But end, I will. Is it because, I am conditioned to think that there is a beginning and there will be an end to everything? Why am I not conscious of what happened before the beginning? Why am I not conscious of what happens after the end? What was everything before I stepped in? What is everything after I step out? If at one point I wasn't part of everything and if at one point I am not going to be a part of everything then should it even be considered as everything? Or is it that I participated in everything, and will participate in everything, in different forms and by different means, all the time?
Why am I not able to grasp the scope of the word everything? In the same breath, what does the term nothing, when viewed in isolation, mean to me? What is the significance of "all the time"?
I don't know the exact split second I became conscious. I wouldn't know the exact split second I will become unconscious. I don't know the very first entity I was conscious of. I wouldn't know the very last entity I would be conscious of. At the beginning of all begins, was I conscious of the others around me or was I conscious of what was "around" or was I just conscious of me? At the very last of the last, would I be conscious of the others around me or would I be conscious of what would be "around" or would I be only conscious of me?
In between the first and the last state, in between my existence and non-existence, is there nothing but consciousness?
Why did I start categorizing as soon as I became conscious? I labeled the biggest of the big as the Universe and the smallest of the small as a sub-atomic, fundamental particle-wave. I categorized entities into animated matter and inanimate matter. I divided and grouped at will. At the gigantic level, I ended up with galaxies, clusters of galaxies and super clusters of galaxies. At the sub-atomic level, I ended up with quarks, gluons and leptons. I am still not satisfied. I want to divide more. I want to group more. I want to classify more. Why?
I grouped entities into big and small. I tagged them tall and short. I pigeonholed them into beautiful and ugly. I sorted them out as smart and dumb. I debated with myself. I decided to like some. I decided to hate some. I decided what is wrong and what is right. I decided to believe or not believe in anything and everything as per my choice. I showered affection on some. I ignored some. In spite of all those efforts, in spite of my putting it all on one scale, I am still unable to reconcile on anything. I am hopelessly lost.
Why am I doing this? Am I trying to understand who I am by categorizing and looking at, what is essentially, ONE and the SAME entity in a gazillion different ways? Is my purpose in doing so just to understand consciousness? Is consciousness trying to understand itself, thru me?
What did I understand so far? What do I strive to understand in future?
Who am I?
