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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 5:41am | IP Logged
Originally posted by rsk2fan-renu-

Originally posted by lathika4u

Originally posted by _charu_

Originally posted by piyualka

No. 1 is that no matter what, you are a DIL & not a Daughter and as such you are an outsider to the inner family decision... esp. in joint family, you should confine your role to caring for your in-laws, but not interfer in affairs that has no bearing to your & your husband's life directly...



It means DIL is just nanny.................


how does it matter to akshara tht nandini marries mohit or any other guy? nandini's parents and nandini can take this decision , and they will agree only if they find the rishta appropriate....she can have her opinion but she's challenging their decision ke this rishta is not right for nandini Shocked how ridiculous is tht ! when nandini herself, her parents, her chacha chachi, her brother doesn't have a problem then what is akshara's problem? if she has THAT much of a problem and she's SO confident that this rishta is not right for nandini and nandini will not be happy, why can't she tell naitik tht nandini loves mohit ??

if nandini really loves mohit , then she should talk to them directly instead of akshara becoming pradhan and showing as if nobody else cares for nandini except her ! the family will know only when akshara tells them..if akshara is so much concerned she should have told them the reason behind HER thinking ke this rishta is not right for nandu ... ke nandini loves mohit...

DIL is not a nanny but aviation-ca is right...she must not interfere in affairs that have no bearing to her or her husband's life directly...specially nanad's affair which is very sensitive and one mistake can spoil her position in the family...today if something goes wrong with this particular rishta of nandini, her parents will be answerable......tomorrow if akshara or nandini manage to convince them to get her married to mohit and something goes wrong, akshara will the only one who will be blamed bec. she was supporting this rishta..will akshara not feel guilty tht she pushed nandini into this hell called mohit's house?



this kind of action from an individual comes with 'attachment' if you are attached your family, in-laws, the action is automatic.. people who has no attachment to the feelings of others will not understand it, they can raise their voice saying akshara is an 'outsider'  where as askhara thinks herself that she 'belongs' to the family..


 
 
Lathika, believe me, I used to think EXACTLY the same way as you do......BEFORE my marriage.........Tongue
 
but from experience.....i can only say one thing....Confused
 
.......How a D-I-L behaves with her in-laws....how much affection n attachment is meant to be DISPLAYED.......is a matter which cannot be GENERALISED......it HAS to be FLEXIBLE....n should depend on what WAVELENGTH U R WITH YOUR INLAWS..........
 
.......YESTERDAY WAS A PRIME EXAMPLE........even Nandini is not willing to stand up for her...she could atleast say that she herself had asked Akshara to speak to the dinos on Nandini's  behalf...BUT NO...that's not the case.......Nandini has made Akshara the scapegoat.......Shocked
 
....but i don't blame u......even i learnt my lessons....only after a few  "SCAPE GOAT " SESSIONS....LOL LOL  LOL


you are right in dotting down all those points... but to an honest person, it is impossible to hide the facts, she may have to go thru hell but still stand by her rights.. here how others going to react to her actions are not there in her mind, but stating her facts are more important for that situation..

my belief is renu, when you are right, you can always stand up, why bother about others around you.. if they understand you well , good  - otherwise, state your facts so that you will get peace of mind  or else it will always remain in your mind as a problem for yourself ..

situation here is again attachment and love. Gaya3 may be rude to her but that is not the case with nandini .. she is  her sister end of the day, if you don't care for her who else will?

even if people around me make me as a scape goat i don't bother, because i know i am going to be a scape goat, and that is acceptable to me ...


Edited by lathika4u - 24 December 2009 at 5:45am

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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 5:47am | IP Logged
Originally posted by lathika4u

Originally posted by rsk2fan-renu-

Originally posted by lathika4u

Originally posted by _charu_

Originally posted by piyualka

No. 1 is that no matter what, you are a DIL & not a Daughter and as such you are an outsider to the inner family decision... esp. in joint family, you should confine your role to caring for your in-laws, but not interfer in affairs that has no bearing to your & your husband's life directly...



It means DIL is just nanny.................


how does it matter to akshara tht nandini marries mohit or any other guy? nandini's parents and nandini can take this decision , and they will agree only if they find the rishta appropriate....she can have her opinion but she's challenging their decision ke this rishta is not right for nandini Shocked how ridiculous is tht ! when nandini herself, her parents, her chacha chachi, her brother doesn't have a problem then what is akshara's problem? if she has THAT much of a problem and she's SO confident that this rishta is not right for nandini and nandini will not be happy, why can't she tell naitik tht nandini loves mohit ??

if nandini really loves mohit , then she should talk to them directly instead of akshara becoming pradhan and showing as if nobody else cares for nandini except her ! the family will know only when akshara tells them..if akshara is so much concerned she should have told them the reason behind HER thinking ke this rishta is not right for nandu ... ke nandini loves mohit...

DIL is not a nanny but aviation-ca is right...she must not interfere in affairs that have no bearing to her or her husband's life directly...specially nanad's affair which is very sensitive and one mistake can spoil her position in the family...today if something goes wrong with this particular rishta of nandini, her parents will be answerable......tomorrow if akshara or nandini manage to convince them to get her married to mohit and something goes wrong, akshara will the only one who will be blamed bec. she was supporting this rishta..will akshara not feel guilty tht she pushed nandini into this hell called mohit's house?



this kind of action from an individual comes with 'attachment' if you are attached your family, in-laws, the action is automatic.. people who has no attachment to the feelings of others will not understand it, they can raise their voice saying akshara is an 'outsider'  where as askhara thinks herself that she 'belongs' to the family..


 
 
Lathika, believe me, I used to think EXACTLY the same way as you do......BEFORE my marriage.........Tongue
 
but from experience.....i can only say one thing....Confused
 
.......How a D-I-L behaves with her in-laws....how much affection n attachment is meant to be DISPLAYED.......is a matter which cannot be GENERALISED......it HAS to be FLEXIBLE....n should depend on what WAVELENGTH U R WITH YOUR INLAWS..........
 
.......YESTERDAY WAS A PRIME EXAMPLE........even Nandini is not willing to stand up for her...she could atleast say that she herself had asked Akshara to speak to the dinos on Nandini's  behalf...BUT NO...that's not the case.......Nandini has made Akshara the scapegoat.......Shocked
 
....but i don't blame u......even i learnt my lessons....only after a few  "SCAPE GOAT " SESSIONS....LOL LOL  LOL


you are right in dotting down all those points... but to an honest person, it is impossible to hide the facts, she may have to go thru hell but still stand by her rights.. here how others going to react to your actions is not there in her mind, but stating her facts are more important for that situation..

my belief is renu, when you are right, you can always stand up, why bother about others around you.. if they understand you well , good  - otherwise, state your facts so that you will get peace of mind  or else it will always remain in your mind as a problem for yourself ..

situation here is again attachment and love. Gaya3 may be rude to her but that is not the case with nandini .. she is  her sister end of the day, if you don't care for her who else will?

even if people around me make me as a scape goat i don't bother, because i know i am going to be a scape goat, and that is acceptable to me ...
 
i simply loved this line of yours......Tongue

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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 6:00am | IP Logged
You know, end of the day, it is what makes us happy. If you are happy being a scapegoat, then fine. I have a friend, who is an engineer married to a joint family, who is also a scapegoat. We (our gang of friends) also wonder how she sustains all this, but she thinks this is only her fate and has accepted it. She was also not mature enough to understand and tackle her family tactfully when she got married, and now this is the result.

But that does not mean we cannot speak our mind at all. Its just to pick the right moment, person and the way to say things so that they get taken in the right spirit. Only a scapegoat (like Akshara) will blurt out her feelings without a care to the prevailing situation.

That's my viewpoint anyway. Anyone agree or disagree, your comments are most welcome.

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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 7:28am | IP Logged
Originally posted by bholabear

You know, end of the day, it is what makes us happy. If you are happy being a scapegoat, then fine. I have a friend, who is an engineer married to a joint family, who is also a scapegoat. We (our gang of friends) also wonder how she sustains all this, but she thinks this is only her fate and has accepted it. She was also not mature enough to understand and tackle her family tactfully when she got married, and now this is the result.

But that does not mean we cannot speak our mind at all. Its just to pick the right moment, person and the way to say things so that they get taken in the right spirit. Only a scapegoat (like Akshara) will blurt out her feelings without a care to the prevailing situation.

That's my viewpoint anyway. Anyone agree or disagree, your comments are most welcome.


at the end of the day if this is what makes her happy, fine ! as such she's not bothered ke someone is misunderstanding her or scolding her or anything ! sometimes i wonder she's deaf or what? she doesn't even react to such things ! but why this honesty,feelings, love affection for 1 person ONLY? can't she see that by supporting nandini she's going against ALL the family members? doesn't she love them all? doesn't she care about bhabhi ma's feelings? look at her face when akshara was saying all that...what's their fault in all this? they will fix up the marriage only after considering all other aspects...trust me, it's very difficult to find a rishta in such cases, ur heart never agrees to it but u have to make certain compromises .... lets not talk abt "honesty" with akshara bec. she uses it acc. to her own convinience ! if she was tht much honest she wouldn't have lied to the family and naitik abt nandini ..honesty is not situational , it's in ur character..the truth is she cannot stand in front of gayitri for more than 2 mins, forget putting forth her POV..she doesn't have the guts..the moment gayitri starts scolding her she starts her "i'm sorry dialogues"

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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 7:39am | IP Logged
Originally posted by rsk2fan-renu-




<FONT size=2>Lathika, believe me, I used to think EXACTLY the same way as you do......BEFORE my marriage.........Tongue</FONT>


<FONT size=2>but from experience.....i can only say one thing....Confused</FONT>


<FONT size=2>.......How a D-I-L behaves with her in-laws....how much affection n attachment is meant to be DISPLAYED.......is a matter which cannot be GENERALISED......it HAS to be FLEXIBLE....n should depend on what WAVELENGTH U R WITH YOUR INLAWS..........</FONT>


<FONT size=2>.......YESTERDAY WAS A PRIME EXAMPLE........even Nandini is not willing to stand up for her...she could atleast say that she herself had asked Akshara to speak to the dinos onNandini's behalf...BUT NO...that's not the case.......Nandini has made Akshara the scapegoat.......Shocked</FONT>


<FONT size=2>....but i don't blame u......even i learnt my lessons....only after a few <FONT size=3>"SCAPE GOAT " SESSIONS....</FONT>LOLLOL</FONT> LOL


beautiful thought Renu Clap lemme give u an example..my SIL is not normal , my MIL wanted her to do cosmetology course which costed us dear, yet i cud not say anything knowing tht the money will be wasted n she won't learn even 5% ...i knew tht was not the right course for her, u know those counsellors misguide ppl. to get them do the courses which r totally useless n my MIL doesn't understand what's cosmetology so how wud she understand ke it's right for her daughter or no ! i knew it, i told this to her, she made a face then i stayed silent..the end result was as expected, nothing..she didn't learn anything..but if i'd raised an objection she wud have thought ke i wanna spend all the money on myself n i consider her an outsider..what's the use of this honesty which will present a worse picture of mine in front of others? how many ppl. around us understand exactly what we're saying with what intention? hardly anybody except our parents or hubby...it's fooloshness to expect a world frm ur in laws ! when both DIL and in laws r strangers to each other (akshara has been staying with them frm few months only)   how are they expected to know each other that well?

it IS Akshara's mistake but she's doing it unintentionally and 100% she'll not learn anything frm it bec. this is one bimari of tellywood heroines ! all of them r the same ! they care abt their husband's family more than their husband or they themselves ! tomorrow when naitik will ask her to hide something frm his family, she'll go restless ke how can i lie Dead

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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 8:25am | IP Logged
Originally posted by _charu_

Originally posted by rsk2fan-renu-




<FONT size=2>Lathika, believe me, I used to think EXACTLY the same way as you do......BEFORE my marriage.........Tongue</FONT>


<FONT size=2>but from experience.....i can only say one thing....Confused</FONT>


<FONT size=2>.......How a D-I-L behaves with her in-laws....how much affection n attachment is meant to be DISPLAYED.......is a matter which cannot be GENERALISED......it HAS to be FLEXIBLE....n should depend on what WAVELENGTH U R WITH YOUR INLAWS..........</FONT>


<FONT size=2>.......YESTERDAY WAS A PRIME EXAMPLE........even Nandini is not willing to stand up for her...she could atleast say that she herself had asked Akshara to speak to the dinos onNandini's behalf...BUT NO...that's not the case.......Nandini has made Akshara the scapegoat.......Shocked</FONT>


<FONT size=2>....but i don't blame u......even i learnt my lessons....only after a few <FONT size=3>"SCAPE GOAT " SESSIONS....</FONT>LOLLOL</FONT> LOL


beautiful thought Renu Clap lemme give u an example..my SIL is not normal , my MIL wanted her to do cosmetology course which costed us dear, yet i cud not say anything knowing tht the money will be wasted n she won't learn even 5% ...i knew tht was not the right course for her, u know those counsellors misguide ppl. to get them do the courses which r totally useless n my MIL doesn't understand what's cosmetology so how wud she understand ke it's right for her daughter or no ! i knew it, i told this to her, she made a face then i stayed silent..the end result was as expected, nothing..she didn't learn anything..but if i'd raised an objection she wud have thought ke i wanna spend all the money on myself n i consider her an outsider..what's the use of this honesty which will present a worse picture of mine in front of others? how many ppl. around us understand exactly what we're saying with what intention? hardly anybody except our parents or hubby...it's fooloshness to expect a world frm ur in laws ! when both DIL and in laws r strangers to each other (akshara has been staying with them frm few months only)   how are they expected to know each other that well?

it IS Akshara's mistake but she's doing it unintentionally and 100% she'll not learn anything frm it bec. this is one bimari of tellywood heroines ! all of them r the same ! they care abt their husband's family more than their husband or they themselves ! tomorrow when naitik will ask her to hide something frm his family, she'll go restless ke how can i lie Dead
 
Charu....i'll tell u one incident......Tongue
 
i was very newly married.....n hence expectedly, very very naive to the complexities of relationships after marriage.....
....one morning my S-I-L, who had come over with her kids.....was quite upset that her 1 yr old daughter was not having any breakfast every morning.....n obviously...so was my m-i-l...
....during the convo that followed, i discovered that EVERY MORNING....AT 6 a.m.....while the poor child was still ASLEEP.....my s-i-l would thrust a bottle of full fat milk..(about 350 ml)...into her daughter's mouth.....which the innocent child suckled away to glory.....Tongue
 
now u tell me.....how can this child ...when she wakes up at 7 a.m......be expected to have ANY breakfast....of any kind...for the next couple of hours more...atleast??????????....Shocked
 
naive that i was....i put forth my views Tongue 
 
 ....n then....ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE......Ouch
 
MY MIL n SIL were like Dead n Angry n Dead n Angry.......
 
n i was like Shocked n Cry n Ouch n Confused.........
 
LOL  LOL  LOL   LOL  LOL  LOL .....one of my "SCAPE GOAT SESSIONS".......LOL  LOL
 
Lathika...i hope u r reading this as well.........
 

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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 8:34am | IP Logged
Originally posted by rsk2fan-renu-


Charu....i'll tell u one incident......Tongue


i was very newly married.....n hence expectedly, very very naive to the complexities of relationships after marriage.....

....one morning my S-I-L, who had come over with her kids.....was quite upset that her 1 yr old daughter was not having any breakfast every morning.....n obviously...so was my m-i-l...

....during the convo that followed, i discovered that EVERY MORNING....AT 6 a.m.....while the poor child was still ASLEEP.....my s-i-l would thrust a bottle of full fat milk..(about 350 ml)...into her daughter's mouth.....which the innocent child suckled away to glory.....Tongue


now u tell me.....how can this child ...when she wakes up at 7 a.m......be expected to haveANY breakfast....of any kind...for the next couple of hours more...atleast??????????....Shocked


naive that i was....i put forth my views Tongue


....n then....ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE......Ouch


MY MIL n SIL were like Deadn Angryn Deadn Angry.......


n i was like Shockedn Cryn Ouchn Confused.........


LOL.....one of my "SCAPE GOAT SESSIONS".......LOL LOL


Lathika...i hope u r reading this as well.........



tht's the best thing to do with SIL's and MIL's "ur always right ma'm" , even i dun find something okay, i tell her "oh it's so perfect" n she never takes my advice so i'm happy both ways..as long as something is not affecting me directly, i prefer to be diplomatic and clever Evil Smile everybody is mature enuf to understand everything, they dun need my advices....i give my advice when i'm asked to, not otherwise.. Big smile

Edited by _charu_ - 24 December 2009 at 8:35am

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Posted: 24 December 2009 at 8:59am | IP Logged
Originally posted by bholabear



You know, end of the day, it is what makes us happy. If you are happy being a scapegoat, then fine. I have a friend, who is an engineer married to a joint family, who is also a scapegoat. We (our gang of friends) also wonder how she sustains all this, but she thinks this is only her fate and has accepted it. She was also not mature enough to understand and tackle her family tactfully when she got married, and now this is the result.

But that does not mean we cannot speak our mind at all. Its just to pick the right moment, person and the way to say things so that they get taken in the right spirit. Only a scapegoat (like Akshara) will blurt out her feelings without a care to the prevailing situation.

That's my viewpoint anyway. Anyone agree or disagree, your comments are most welcome.


here as far as i am concerned, once i know i am being the scapegoat and which is been mentally accepted, then there will not be any pain for being a scapegoat .. that situation i will be enjoying, as it was expected.. but the situation which you are talking may be related to unexpected 'scapegoat' that can make you upset, , sad and hard hearted ... if this happens, the person in that situation will not interfear in any matters at all .. so most of the comments which i am reading related to  this is not to interfear is because of being 'unexpected' pain ..  i must say that they are also right ... but my suggestion to people like myself who definitely interfear if anything happens with in the family, only possibility is  to 'interfear' into the matters as it is by birth nature, and being intelligent not to get hurt..Big smile


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