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World's Best Jokes

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Khaya

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Khaya

Joined: 14 December 2006

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Posted: 23 December 2009 at 3:46am | IP Logged
The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world.  Here they are :
 
Best Joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

 
Second Place:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.  "Well, 

bullet hspace13

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 

bullet hspace13

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 

bullet hspace13

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 

bullet hspace13

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 

bullet hspace13

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

"Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 
Top joke in USA:
 
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."  

 
Top joke in Canada:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia:
 
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."  

 
Top joke in Belgium:
 
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
bullet hspace13

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

bullet hspace13

To stamp out burning ducks

 
Top joke in Germany:
 
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. 

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

 
Top joke in UK:
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off ' go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 
Top Joke in Wales:
 
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. 

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Top Joke in Northern Ireland:
 
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."  

 
Top Joke in Scotland:
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. 

Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 



Edited by rukhaya - 23 December 2009 at 3:51am

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brownmuslimDitto100sweet_gurl93AmbyCiousrudeMRindiatazy_rahulGirl_2007chhiltKai.P.Kamaljit.Seanmishti_17

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SRK-ian

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Posted: 17 January 2010 at 11:50am | IP Logged
Good ones!

-BlackSky-

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Posted: 17 January 2010 at 5:34pm | IP Logged
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P.Kamaljit.Sean

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Posted: 18 January 2010 at 5:19pm | IP Logged
Awesome Jokes

Thankz for sharing.......

Girl_2007

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Posted: 19 January 2010 at 10:29am | IP Logged
thanks for sharing! they r realli good

kishwar1990

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Joined: 17 September 2008

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Posted: 23 January 2010 at 4:47am | IP Logged
lovd the one wid sherlock holmes!!!!

Kai.

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Joined: 25 February 2007

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Posted: 29 January 2010 at 7:23am | IP Logged

Rukki - u always come up with the best jokes ever!!!

Sherlock holmes was my fav!!!

Khaya

IF-Stunnerz

Khaya

Joined: 14 December 2006

Posts: 25184

Posted: 29 January 2010 at 1:08pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Kai_Hiwatari

Rukki - u always come up with the best jokes ever!!!

Sherlock holmes was my fav!!!
 
hehe... thanx Embarrassed

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