World's Best Jokes

Khaya IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 14 December 2006
Posts: 25567

Posted: 23 December 2009 at 3:46am | IP Logged
The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world.  Here they are :
Best Joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Second Place:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.  "Well, 

bullet hspace13

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 

bullet hspace13

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 

bullet hspace13

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 

bullet hspace13

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 

bullet hspace13

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

"Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Top joke in USA:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."  

Top joke in Canada:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia:
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."  

Top joke in Belgium:
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
bullet hspace13

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

bullet hspace13

To stamp out burning ducks

Top joke in Germany:
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. 

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

Top joke in UK:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off ' go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Top Joke in Wales:
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. 

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Top Joke in Northern Ireland:
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."  

Top Joke in Scotland:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. 

Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 

Edited by rukhaya - 23 December 2009 at 3:51am

The following 11 member(s) liked the above post:


SRK-ian Senior Member

Joined: 22 November 2007
Posts: 649

Posted: 17 January 2010 at 11:50am | IP Logged
Good ones!
-BlackSky- IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 29 June 2008
Posts: 28248

Posted: 17 January 2010 at 5:34pm | IP Logged

If you think this is an error please Contact us.
P.Kamaljit.Sean IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 10 May 2008
Posts: 30788

Posted: 18 January 2010 at 5:19pm | IP Logged
Awesome Jokes

Thankz for sharing.......
Girl_2007 IF-Rockerz

Joined: 25 November 2007
Posts: 5755

Posted: 19 January 2010 at 10:29am | IP Logged
thanks for sharing! they r realli good
kishwar1990 Newbie

Joined: 17 September 2008
Posts: 38

Posted: 23 January 2010 at 4:47am | IP Logged
lovd the one wid sherlock holmes!!!!
Kai. IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 25 February 2007
Posts: 12144

Posted: 29 January 2010 at 7:23am | IP Logged

Rukki - u always come up with the best jokes ever!!!

Sherlock holmes was my fav!!!
Khaya IF-Stunnerz

Joined: 14 December 2006
Posts: 25567

Posted: 29 January 2010 at 1:08pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Kai_Hiwatari

Rukki - u always come up with the best jokes ever!!!

Sherlock holmes was my fav!!!
hehe... thanx Embarrassed

Go to top

Related Topics

  Topics Author Replies Views Last Post
Jokes Jokes Jokes!

Author: mswami   Replies: 3   Views: 3660

mswami 3 3660 14 December 2009 at 10:26am by short.circuit
worlds smartest women

Author: kal-el   Replies: 1   Views: 1332

kal-el 1 1332 13 June 2008 at 9:18pm by Shazia_haya
jokes,jokes and much more jokes


Author: kanchi   Replies: 10   Views: 4507

kanchi 10 4507 16 November 2004 at 6:40pm by anniegupta_
Jokes, jokes, and more jokes

Author: rabeeak2003   Replies: 2   Views: 2754

rabeeak2003 2 2754 08 November 2004 at 4:14pm by alliha
Jokes, jokes,jokes......

Author: kanchi   Replies: 3   Views: 2832

kanchi 3 2832 30 August 2004 at 10:05am by anjuman

Forum Quick Jump

Forum Category / Channels

  • Please login to check your Last 10 Topics posted

Disclaimer: All Logos and Pictures of various Channels, Shows, Artistes, Media Houses, Companies, Brands etc. belong to their respective owners, and are used to merely visually identify the Channels, Shows, Companies, Brands, etc. to the viewer. Incase of any issue please contact the webmaster.

Popular Channels :
Star Plus | Zee TV | Sony TV | Colors TV | SAB TV | Life OK

Quick Links :
Top 100 TV Celebrities | Top 100 Bollywood Celebs | About Us | Contact Us | Advertise | Forum Index