**Writing By Kheerni (Nisha)**
FICTION 2
Ila talks to Damini about Prithvi and broaches the subject of marriage. Damini is shocked at first, says "Mama, yeh aap kya soch rahi hain!!" "Prithvi or main...aisa...aisa kuch nahi hai...." Ila interjects with "Beta woh tumhe pasand karta hai aur...main janti hoon ke kahin...kahin tum bhi use pasand karti ho. Prithvi ek bahut acha ladka hi nahin ek acha insaan bhi hai. Aur tumhare liye usse acha ladka shayad hi kahin ho!"
Ila coaxes Damini, telling her that Prithvi is a gem of a guy who will be the perfect match to Damini's nature, he understands her and her temperament. And is the kind of self-respecting man that she would trust her daughter's hand with. Ila reminds Damini that when she agreed to marry Inder, she felt no love for him. So why not give Prithvi a chance...love will follow...
Damini knows that her mom is right...Prithvi is a great
guy...but she doesn't know him, doea she??
And marriage!! That's
crazy!! She brushes off the idea as
ridiculous in front of her mom and storms out.
But she closes the door to her room, and stands against it with her
heart beating fast. What's all this!
What's her mom thinking!! It's crazy and
stupid! But...is it?? She is unable to
stop her runaway mind from thinking thoughts she shouldn't be.
Damini is not a docile and meek thing who can be coerced. No
one can make her do what she doesn't want to.
Eventually, with more gentle coaxing from Ila, Avni and Jai, Damini
accepts, but only grudgingly. She tells
her mom that if she really feels so strongly that this is good....then
fine...she'll do as her mom thinks is right.
She tells her mom that she's agreeing only because everyone thinks it's
the right thing to do. The truth, one
that she doesn't like to let on even to herself, is that the prospect of this
marriage runs shivers through her.
So bride and groom agree. But neither knows where they stand with the other.
Is this a marriage of convenience for him?
Was she under immense pressure from her mom?
Is he doing this because he's a decent guy who feels sorry for me?
Is she doing this so that she can be married quickly to clear the way for her sister?
Does he feel something for me?
Does she love...no! Does she even like me?
Does he really want this?
Does she really want this?
Both know that marriage is rushing it. But both are unable to think straight...beyond the idea that they'll be one another's...and the idea feels so good.
Ila offers Prithvi her home for them to live in. That is, if he's fine with it. Under other circumstances, Prithvi's self-respecting nature would never accept the offer. But, as it is, he realizes that this would be best as his mother and Varun are in his home so he cannot take Damini there. And besides, living with the Gujral's would make his mission easier. So it is decided that the married couple would live in Gujral mansion. Their wedding will also take place at the house.
The Pheras...
Prithvi is leading Damini around the ceremonial fire. He glances at her. He thinks, is this for real. This sar phiri girl is actually going to be
mine? A very small, barely there smile
flits across his lips and his eyes.
She looks at him, feeling shivers down her arms. This is actually happening? she thinks. This man...she despised him! She's marrying him now! She feels her face blush, and her heart flutter and soar and fly...why?
They take their vows of loving one another forever...but
feel too much to be able to look one another in the eye while taking them. But through the rituals, when the other isn't
looking, they steal glances at the other, unable to understand or control the
fluttering within.
The Wedding Night...
Damini is pacing in her room in her wedding joda. She's not one to sit in the center of the bed with her ghooghat waiting for him. She walks to her window, looks out, her mind a tumult of thoughts and feelings. What just happened?? She's married now, to Prithvi! She can't shake this feeling off that everything is happening too fast...too fast to understand, too fast to control! And yet every nerve in her body is on edge, in anticipation of him. She rubs her arms to ease herself a bit. When the door opens. Prithvi stands in the doorway, looking at her. She looks so beautiful, he thinks. He sees the trepidation in her face, and knows that she's not completely into this marriage. She looks at him. He walks toward her. She's flustered, swallows and looks away. He stops, looks away, then lowers his eyes for a moment before raising them to her to gauge what she's thinking, what she's feeling, what she wants. He glances over her again thinking, so beautiful...if only he could touch...
She looks at him thinking, if only she could reach out. The distance between them is wide still...a gulf - hard to cross.
Suddenly, not able to bear the silence any longer, she
surprises herself by saying she was thinking of going for a ride on Toofan. To relieve some stress after this long and
tiring day. He looks away,
understanding...she wants to get away...from him.
He nods, and says "Of course, aap jahan jaana chahti hain, jaa sakti
hain" But on hearing him say this her
back comes up and she says "Mein permission nahi mang rahi! Toh kya hua agar tum..hum...mein ab bhi...Mein apne
decisions khud le sakti hoon!" she ends with
fire in her eyes, looking at him challengingly.
He fires back, "Haan, jaise is shaadi ka decision!" She feels as though he'd just slapped
her. She charges into the bathroom and quickly
she's into her riding clothes. Still
stung by his words, she walks out of the room, not sure whether she's feeling
hurt or angry. But not wanting to feel
either, she walks toward to stable with only one thing in mind ' to ride fast
and hard and let the wind wash away this thing she's feeling.
He stands alone in the room, looking around. He can't stand to remain in this
room...alone. So he leaves. He feels a bit lost in the house, and not
knowing where to go heads to the secuirty room.
One place where he can be himself.
He turns on one of the monitors, to watch his bride as she rides Toofan. He watches her riding like the wind...My
wife, he thinks to himself...mine... a small smile flits across the corner of his
mouth and he looks away. But he doesn't
know what's going to happen. He's thinks
to himself...what now?
After a ride that did nothing to help her, she comes back to
her room...wringing her hands. Unsure what to do, nervous and wound up. Will he be awake...waiting for her? Does she want him to be awake? And the answer makes her uncomfortable. Her heart beating fast, she pushes open the
door...to an empty room. She looks
around....he's not here. She's
perplexed, where is he??? "Prithvi??" But she's only met with silence. Then concerned, her heart dipping...where did
he go?? She turns around and walks the
hallways looking for him. Where is he?
Why did he just leave?? But stops,
thinking she left first...She's suddenly more worried, not sure where to look
for him. But then thinks of the security
room, and heads straight there.
She gets there to find him slumped back in his chair...asleep. Different emotions slide through. Her first though is concern for him, that
he's fallen asleep like this, how tired he must be. But on its heels is the gnawing
knowledge that he'd rather come here than spend the night in their room?
She wants to rouse him. To ask him to come back to bed. But, thinks again and
stops herself halfway. She can't bring herself to ask him to return with her to their room. So she leaves, feeling strangely hurt and alone. She sleeps in her bed, thinking how strange that her bed never seemed large and empty before.
The next morning he wakes to find himself in his chair in the security room. He goes up to their room to find Damini fast asleep. He looks at her affectionately, but quickly remembers the night before, the desire, the rejection, and how it made him feel. He was feeling it again.. Why does she affect him like this...does she feel this, this thing he feels when he's with her. No! of course she doesn't, and even if she did...he shudn't...he looks away like he shudn't be looking.
He goes to the bathroom, deciding a cold shower is what he
needs. Damini, awake after hearing the
shower run in the bathroom, gets out of bed, again flustered. What should she say to him, what will he say. He walks out completely dressed, buttoning up
the final button on his shirt. Both
stop, look at one another. He breaks the
silence with "Bahut kaam hai aaj....mein chalta hoon". She nods...a bit exasperated, but looks
away. He leaves, stops at the door,
turns to look at her for a moment, and resigns himself to a day where he won't
be able to focus on his work even for a moment.
The Newlyweds...
The next few days they see each other for dinner only and here and there when their paths cross. At night, one always makes sure he/she is late coming in to the room so that the other is already asleep. Except the other will never be asleep. They are painfully aware of each other, walking in and sleeping on their side of the bed. During the day, there's so much built up tension between them, that the mere presence of the other makes every nerve fully aware of the other.
This one day, she's out in the stud farm feeding Toofan. He starts acting up and she holds on to him by his reins, trying to control him...and failing. He neighs and struggles to gallop away. She tries to stand her ground but Toofan is too strong. Then strong arms cover hers on either side. Prithvi grabs the reins from behind her, his hands close to hers on the reins, their faces close, and their bodies touching. They are trying to control the horse...and their runaway heartbeats. They are trying...and failing. Their grip over the reins loosens and Toofan sets off, galloping wildly in circles around them. But they don't seem to notice. Their hands fall away, not touching each other, but they don't move. Damini with her face turned sideways and back toward him, him looking down at her. She looks at his face, his lips. He's so close...he can smell her hair, her own scent, her skin. They stand like this, in the middle of the field, in broad daylight, with a wild horse galloping circles around them. Oblivious to everything and everyone. Time seems to have stood still. Then Damini slowly looks away, turns the other way in one smooth motion, and walks away. Leaving him bereft. He closes his eyes, willing himself to not feel so much. Trying to control his desire and his pain.
My thoughts:
Here is a marriage where each is unsure about what and how much the other feels. They are married - husband and wife. So accessible to one another, yet not. They have the right to reach out and touch and taste, but don't. It is so hard. Like a thristy person standing near an oasis, knowing its a mirage. Afraid to touch, and take, afraid of being hurt when its not really there. So that's the difference between them and Savni. Savni marriage is a secret, no one knows, and yet Sam did everything to get her in bed.
Prida marriage everyone will know and celebrate their union,
except the two of them. And Prithvi will
be trying his best NOT to bed her! Add
do that the constant battle of wits, which will really be an expression of
their unspent desire.
She's his!!! But he can't have her!!! He's her's to have, to hold, to touch, to taste!!! But godddddd!!! She can't let herself!