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Beyond the Dark Clouds - An AR one shot (Page 5)

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pickytg

Goldie

pickytg

Joined: 23 September 2007

Posts: 2280

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 8:54pm | IP Logged

Heya Smriti!

Honestly ive been wanting to get to this since the past couple days (had watch listed this one even before i got your PM) but just couldn't get to this till now.

Yeah! NJ surely does know how to raise bars for someone in their own head huh, she does that to me all the time and i only just realized that i have one track mind when it comes to reading and criticizing.
I read your one shot and i was like - okay good (almost overly) usage of words...befitting the thoughts and depth of the phase and has a concept going somewhere but i just can't seem to guess or knowledge even from the writing where to..! For me...it started with something concrete, shifted to another base and ended with an unknown end.
Maybe thats what one shots are meant to be like.

And i was hesitating in commenting...cause as you might know i don't think twice when it comes to NJs update...i say what i feel (diplomatic sugar-good comments make me sweat) and we have never exchanged even the basic intros that i could freely say what i thought until i scrolled down to read some of the comments. Pebbz' comment did it for me i think (the realization i mentioned before)..!

So on second thoughts (in my mind and in writing :P) it was a good "one-shot". I still maintain, it was heavy on words cause it sidelines the reality of the thoughts in a way...like ones put so much effort (even if they haven't) in constructing the right moment and period (and not what acutually processed in their mind)...!!
The link..between the accusation-his thoughts-family-shashank's neighbour-tears (oh no!)-ridz...was very well put together for just so much (would have liked you to stretch on it a bit more)...!

I liked Armaan getting up and turning around and having seated at the spot again (tons!)...it was i for me the real thing.

Hope to have you write many such more like these...it was an awesome start!

ps: i told nj i am in double mind to whether post this or not..cuz it shouldn't make much sense (unnecessary stuff) but something decided for me...and i did...(i hope it didn't come out THAT bad coming from one who has NO credibility of this stuff in writing of its own :D)

~nijaL



Edited by missypatel - 27 September 2009 at 9:06pm

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smriti.tweety

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smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 9:54pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by missypatel


Heya Smriti!

Honestly ive been wanting to get to this since the past couple days (had watch listed this one even before i got your PM) but just couldn't get to this till now.

Yeah! NJ surely does know how to raise bars for someone in their own head huh, she does that to me all the time and i only just realized that i have one track mind when it comes to reading and criticizing. I am happy you do; it helps to have both sort of feedbacks. The appreciative and the critical :)
I read your one shot and i was like - okay good (almost overly) usage of words...befitting the thoughts and depth of the phase and has a concept going somewhere but i just can't seem to guess or knowledge even from the writing where to..! For me...it started with something concrete, shifted to another base and ended with an unknown end.
Maybe thats what one shots are meant to be like. Ok, as dumb as I can get, I didn't really get what  you are implying: Is it the unknown end that didn't go down well? For if thats the case, I'd say that because it was Armaan's flow of thoughts at a given time, an unknown ending seemed like the natural conclusion to me. I wanted to end it on an accepting note on his part, the future yet unknown to him at that point in time.

And i was hesitating in commenting...cause as you might know i don't think twice when it comes to NJs update...i say what i feel (diplomatic sugar-good comments make me sweat) and we have never exchanged even the basic intros that i could freely say what i thought until i scrolled down to read some of the comments. Pebbz' comment did it for me i think (the realization i mentioned before)..! To be honest I thought twice before sending you a pm myself, mainly coz as you said we haven't really exchanged intros, but then the selfish part in me that craved for a critical review took over and I pmed nevertheless :D

So on second thoughts (in my mind and in writing :P) it was a good "one-shot". I still maintain, it was heavy on words cause it sidelines the reality of the thoughts in a way...like ones put so much effort (even if they haven't) in constructing the right moment and period (and not what acutually processed in their mind)...!! Thanks Nijal! This was something that wouldn't have struck me and I am happy it did to you. My only excuse for it is that having been actively into making papers on economics where the langauge is as important as the content, I have become habitual to penning down stuff heavy on words. But you are right, thoughts don't realistically come framed that way to us and I'll try my level best to take care of it next time :)
The link..between the accusation-his thoughts-family-shashank's neighbour-tears (oh no! ??)-ridz...was very well put together for just so much (would have liked you to stretch on it a bit more)...! Glad you liked the link; as for stretching the thing a bit more, as far as his family is concerned it has been used just as a means to show him trying to escape the obvious, Shashank being even more inconsequential and finally Ridhima, I agree I could have been elaborate about their realtionship and the momentary pain. Again didn't strike me, I was too busy making Armaan realize quickly enough :D

I liked Armaan getting up and turning around and having seated at the spot again (tons!)...it was i for me the real thing. I know what you mean about it being real, its what I would have done!

Hope to have you write many such more like these...it was an awesome start! Thanks! :)

ps: i told nj i am in double mind to whether post this or not..cuz it shouldn't make much sense (unnecessary stuff) but something decided for me...and i did...(i hope it didn't come out THAT bad coming from one who has NO credibility of this stuff in writing of its own :D) I am overjoyed you did! I really wanted you to read and review beacuse somewhere I knew you wouldn't mince words and I hope you haven't coz I really wish to know the flaws before I even think of writing another.

~nijaL



Thanks again for the honest review!Big smile

U-No-Poo

IF-Sizzlerz

U-No-Poo

Joined: 15 June 2007

Posts: 23486

Posted: 28 September 2009 at 1:24am | IP Logged
*Edited on page 1 :D

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smriti.tweety

swamii92

Goldie

swamii92

Joined: 28 February 2009

Posts: 1437

Posted: 28 September 2009 at 2:00am | IP Logged
awesome one!

will be waiting for ur next writings

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smriti.tweety

~sumedha~

Goldie

~sumedha~

Joined: 13 October 2008

Posts: 1925

Posted: 28 September 2009 at 9:59am | IP Logged
res

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 28 September 2009 at 10:46am | IP Logged
Originally posted by -Neetz-

Reserved! :D
 
Yay! You finally posted this! Woohoo! Dancing
 
P.S - The title is awesome Approve Am glad NJ came up with a beautiful and apt one!
 
*Edit - Me here! Sorry about the late comment Smriti :( Btw, I must tell you beforehand that I'm not good with long comments, so don't be dissappointed if it's not as good as I probably want it to be. Thats quits okay, the length doesn't matter, what does is the content :)
 
Ok, coming to the story, One word - Beautiful. Star Thanks! * Bows down head * Its great to have a good one shot writer like you find it beautiful!
 
Reading Armaan's POV instead of Ridhima's was a refreshing change, not to mention that you penned his thoughts beautifully. I liked how you dwelled less on the problem and more on it's consequences :) Yes! Yes! Yes! I am on cloud nine you did! I actually feared that the reader might find it unrealistic and thats the reason at the last moment I added that line on the following events being more painful.One of the best things about this one shot is the fact that Armaan is flawed and deep down he admits it, it gives a very humane touch to the story. I know what you mean, its all to easy to envision the ideal hero who shouldn't have doubted her even for a second. I am sure there are relationships with blind faith but somehow I wanted Armaan to doubt.
 
The ending para was lovely. Every could does indeed, have a silver lining Approve My fav line -
"As if on cue the sunrays make their final appearance felt before the sun sets and the storm rolls in; a huge dark cloud shines beautifully with its silver lining."  :D It was one of those important lines and I am happy you loved it!
 
ClapClap
 
You did an awesome job Smriti! I knew you had it in you =) Star And no, you did not fail my expectations, infact you surpassed them by great lengths! ClapYipee!!!!! * Jumping with joy* Looking forward to more one shots from you :D Lets see when that happens! :D  This one came as a surprise to me as well!
 
Lots of Love
Neeta :D


Thanks seems inappropriate for all that I feel and so just a huge huge hug from my side! Love!

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U-No-Poo

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 28 September 2009 at 10:47am | IP Logged
Originally posted by swamii92

awesome one!

will be waiting for ur next writings


Thanks Swami! I am glad you liked it!

Prasanthi

IF-Rockerz

Prasanthi

Joined: 24 June 2008

Posts: 5421

Posted: 29 September 2009 at 1:34am | IP Logged

Smriti!! I am glad that you haved PMed abou this.. will reserve it for now.. caught up with something so important.

Will be back soon.

Edit:
 
A very well written thoughts I must say. I absolutely loved reading this. It just reminded me of some random verse of mine though it is not so related.. but still can't stop myself from mentioning it here :D.
 
Dark and Light
 
The dark clouds in the sky
Make me wonder I don't know why
For I could see a silver line border
As if it is our life order
 
Our life is like the dark cloud
Which has the sadness aloud
But for sure there is a light in the border of the sky
Like our Love which always gives us joy...
 
 
I know I know this one is not at all related.
 
Hope to read more from your pen.


Edited by Prasanthi - 29 September 2009 at 3:06am

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smriti.tweety

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