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Beyond the Dark Clouds - An AR one shot (Page 4)

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smriti.tweety

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smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 9:37pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by spln

aite! here i am... such a randomly disarrayed sat... woke up at 5, and hence the prompt reply to your PM :D ... Thanks for that! I was pleasantly surprised at the quickie!showered cooked ate... then at 9 i was sleeping again... ish!! seriously, i need to see a doc, so nij just told me, n i guess u can go tell your armaan i'm willing to be the second to trust him :P happily!! :D Ha! You are the third in line; you forget as a writer I chose to trust him :D

and yeh, to serious commenting now. the one and only line i mentioned in the PM, i like the simplicity of the idea very much! I am glad you did! a natural reaction/instinct from all the chars, major or minor in the roles they essayed, mostly befitting.. and technically on my first read, the only thing i saw was, what you mentioned in an edited ps now, the speech amiss..! which really is quite ignorable that on a first shot, and one quite well done! Thanks NJ! I am still not sure I have edited all of them!

i also like the comparison to a storm outside with his inner turmoil. and the final ray of hope...The comparision bit was the only clear bit in my mind when I decided to pen this down, the ending something that came to me just then, literally when I made Armaan look up to thank god! :D there are bits in para 1, which i only upon this second read at a bare interval chanced to think so about, which can be either done away with or paraphrased with more brevity (and wow! watch who's talks of brief descriptions! u can be fairly mad at me for this, it was just my realization of what i often struggle with in my own writing, trying to cut down and still make a point...) still! :) I can totally understand the pointless attempt at being precise; I for one am known for my inability to to cut down on words! I'd still like to know though which bits you felt could be done a way with or ohrased better.the words were a flow, and i found myself quite into the whole scene and the way it looked...

my favorite line was Ridhima's single, "...i'm glad it didn't take you much time to decide..." liked it much! I actually changed that line twice before settling for this one. From ' I knew I'd Find you here' to 'I've been watching you for sometime now', I just couldn't seem to get it right! Somehow both these appeared to shallow for the depth I was trying to portray. i am glad you liked it, this was a crucial point in the fic and the one line could have made all the difference in the what the reader made out of the one shot!

and yeh, thats most of it!

ps: smriti, i have to admit as i read the first lines, i thought 1. it was ridhima which made me think of the dmg scene and it was such a pleasant contradiction to see armaan there. Funnily I started writing it with Ridhima in my mind but by the end of the first para I decided to give Armaan a chance :Dand 2. that his patient had died and it that he suffered from... the whole scenario u used, was so unexpected for my inevitable assumptions, you take a 10/10 on giving every bit of what would never occur to me naturally! :)
I seem to get quite a kick at coming up with something you didn't expect :D Jokes apart, thanks a ton for time out for this one.

pps: really, the title, is all yours!... :) Na! The credit goes to you for coming up with one that seems to be an eyecatcher!

ppps: haven't seen the VM yet, can't locate my damn head phones, *:x*


Thanks again NJ!
I am humbled by your detailed and appreciative  review. It surely made my day! Big smile

Smriti

P.s. Thanks for giving me the confidence to post this one!


Edited by smriti.tweety - 26 September 2009 at 11:48pm

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spln

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smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 1:44am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Steff_DMG

Reserved

LOVE the title,
coming back in a bit


*Edited*

You had me mesmerized, WOW, you have done so much justice in here, your first one, it shows you have put in lot of efforts for this piece of work, beautiful, the words in there are so well put, beautifully carved, that's the beauty of an artist, Approve When i look at it, it seems simple and just like something out there, but the depth in it in unmeasurable, Well Done Smrithi, an official welcome to you i the FF zone,LOL hoping to see more from you, Wink

CheerzThumbs Up

Love

Steff Hug




Hey Steffi!!!!

Thanks for taking out time to read and comment on my first attempt. :D
Kudos to NJ for suggesting the title; its turned out to be quite a blessing!
I am delighted that you think I did justice with it and yes even though the time invested in writing this one was a few hours, I can now fully appreciate the task at hand for the writers to pen down an update!
I am flattered at being called an artist, but really it takes a lot more than a one shot to enter the category :)
Glad that you appreciate the depth of their relation; I had really wanted to get it right!
Thanks again for the lovely comment and the welcome! Lets see when I can come up with something new! :)

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

spln

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 1:48am | IP Logged
@ Maanu : Thanks again! I am delighted to know you think I succeeded. :D

@ Mar : Thanks! :D

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 2:15am | IP Logged
Originally posted by k_anjali12

awesome one dear!!

 
will be waiting for ur next writings!!


Thanks Anjali!
I am glad you liked it! Lets see when the next one happens! :)

ammy-ridz

Goldie

ammy-ridz

Joined: 08 January 2009

Posts: 1232

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 5:28am | IP Logged
 
Hi ....
If it's your first attempt..I confess I have never seen such a great Result.
I just loved the way you worded the Emotions. You , it's not very easy for someone, to make you visualise something so deeply . You actually had me hooked to the fic when I read the First para of I should say Sentence. Your sentences with personification left me craving for More.Armaan's side of story and his thoughts,analysis, emotions, state of mind..I coud almost empathise with the whole stuff.  It's my sincere request that I want to read much much more from you in the coming future.Plzzzzz
Thanx for that Dashing!!  one shot.*clap*clap*clap*
*Edit*
I m thankful to Nj and Neetz for encouraging you or else we would have definitely a very good writter.


Edited by ammy-ridz - 27 September 2009 at 5:35am

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smriti.tweetyspln

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 6:35am | IP Logged
Originally posted by ammy-ridz

 
Hi ....
If it's your first attempt..I confess I have never seen such a great Result.
I just loved the way you worded the Emotions. You , it's not very easy for someone, to make you visualise something so deeply . You actually had me hooked to the fic when I read the First para of I should say Sentence. Your sentences with personification left me craving for More.Armaan's side of story and his thoughts,analysis, emotions, state of mind..I coud almost empathise with the whole stuff.  It's my sincere request that I want to read much much more from you in the coming future.Plzzzzz
Thanx for that Dashing!!  one shot.*clap*clap*clap*
*Edit*
I m thankful to Nj and Neetz for encouraging you or else we would have definitely a very good writter.


Hey Ammy-Ridz!!!! ( I am sorry I don't know your name)

Thanks for a really sweet comment! It boosts my confidence to know that I had you hooked! :D
Its equally wonderful to know that you could empathize with Armaan, again it adds to my happiness for I wanted the reader to be able to understand his flow of thoughts.
I will try my best to come up with something! I hope I am able to meet your expectations next time round!
As for Neeta and NJ; if I could meet them then I'd surely love to give them a big bear hug! :D
Thanks again!

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spln

bheegi

IF-Sizzlerz

bheegi

Joined: 05 June 2006

Posts: 23281

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 3:23pm | IP Logged
Hey great job Smriti! Thanks for sending the PM. You write really well. The flow of words and thoughts was wonderful. Why don't you attempt a full fledged ff next....it's great to have new talent on board.

ClapClapClap
Clap

Edited by bheegi - 27 September 2009 at 3:25pm

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:

smriti.tweety

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 27 September 2009 at 8:45pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by bheegi

Hey great job Smriti! Thanks for sending the PM. You write really well. The flow of words and thoughts was wonderful. Why don't you attempt a full fledged ff next....it's great to have new talent on board.

ClapClapClap
Clap


Hey di!!!!!

Thanks for taking out time for this one! I am really honored that you liked it!
As for attempting a full fledged one, I am not sure if I am creative enough for that! :D
Thanks again for reviewing di!

Love
Smriti

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