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Beyond the Dark Clouds - An AR one shot (Page 3)

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smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 12:22pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by aanchal_c

awesome attempt.do try some more.


Thanks Aanchal! Lets see when I can up with something new :)
Glad to know that you think I should continue to write; its quite encouraging!

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innocentdevil.

Goldie

innocentdevil.

Joined: 04 August 2009

Posts: 2004

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 12:26pm | IP Logged
It's amazing. The title caught my eye and I'm so glad it is cause you're a damn good writer. It's so descriptive and amazingly written. Seriously this is one of the best I've read here. Would not only love to read more one shots but I'd love it if you write an FF.

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smriti.tweety

spln

IF-Sizzlerz

spln

Joined: 06 December 2007

Posts: 11036

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 12:39pm | IP Logged
aite! here i am... such a randomly disarrayed sat... woke up at 5, and hence the prompt reply to your PM :D ... showered cooked ate... then at 9 i was sleeping again... ish!! seriously, i need to see a doc, so nij just told me, n i guess u can go tell your armaan i'm willing to be the second to trust him :P happily!! :D

and yeh, to serious commenting now. the one and only line i mentioned in the PM, i like the simplicity of the idea very much! a natural reaction/instinct from all the chars, major or minor in the roles they essayed, mostly befitting.. and technically on my first read, the only thing i saw was, what you mentioned in an edited ps now, the speech amiss..! which really is quite ignorable that on a first shot, and one quite well done!

i also like the comparison to a storm outside with his inner turmoil. and the final ray of hope... there are bits in para 1, which i only upon this second read at a bare interval chanced to think so about, which can be either done away with or paraphrased with more brevity (and wow! watch who's talks of brief descriptions! u can be fairly mad at me for this, it was just my realization of what i often struggle with in my own writing, trying to cut down and still make a point...) still! the words were a flow, and i found myself quite into the whole scene and the way it looked...

my favorite line was Ridhima's single, "...i'm glad it didn't take you much time to decide..." liked it much!

and yeh, thats most of it!

ps: smriti, i have to admit as i read the first lines, i thought 1. it was ridhima which made me think of the dmg scene and it was such a pleasant contradiction to see armaan there. and 2. that his patient had died and it that he suffered from... the whole scenario u used, was so unexpected for my inevitable assumptions, you take a 10/10 on giving every bit of what would never occur to me naturally! :)

pps: really, the title, is all yours!... :)

ppps: haven't seen the VM yet, can't locate my damn head phones, *:x*

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smriti.tweety

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 12:49pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by maanu

hi...............

ur first attempt is surely very nice.........

keep up the good work......... and do write more..............

but sumwhere i felt that sum facts were missing.................like a lil insight abt the incident.............and may be lil more of rids side..........

but i really enjoyed it

bye



Hey Maanu!!!!

Thanks for appreciating the attempt, it inspires me to write more.
As for the missing facts, that was an intentional thing on my part. I wanted to provide enough to help formulate a rough picture in the mind of the reader. Any further detailing might have shifted focus from the main point. As a part of Armaan's thought I attempted to clear that the court case was but a meager pain in front of the betrayal he felt he had faced from the love of his life!
Thanks for pointing out what you felt though! Will try an inculcate it in my next one, whenever that happens! :)
Like I said above the one shot was written entirely from Armaan's point of view. Including Ridhima's thoughts might have felt out of place. Maybe next time when I pen down something similar I'll try to blend both their flow of thoughts!

Thanks again for the wonderful comment, I really appreciate your honest feedback and I hope I have been able to clarify myself.

Love
Smriti

maanu

Goldie

maanu

Joined: 29 April 2009

Posts: 1147

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 12:55pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by smriti.tweety

Originally posted by maanu

hi...............

ur first attempt is surely very nice.........

keep up the good work......... and do write more..............

but sumwhere i felt that sum facts were missing.................like a lil insight abt the incident.............and may be lil more of rids side..........

but i really enjoyed it

bye



Hey Maanu!!!!

Thanks for appreciating the attempt, it inspires me to write more.
As for the missing facts, that was an intentional thing on my part. I wanted to provide enough to help formulate a rough picture in the mind of the reader. Any further detailing might have shifted focus from the main point. As a part of Armaan's thought I attempted to clear that the court case was but a meager pain in front of the betrayal he felt he had faced from the love of his life!
Thanks for pointing out what you felt though! Will try an inculcate it in my next one, whenever that happens! :)
Like I said above the one shot was written entirely from Armaan's point of view. Including Ridhima's thoughts might have felt out of place. Maybe next time when I pen down something similar I'll try to blend both their flow of thoughts!

Thanks again for the wonderful comment, I really appreciate your honest feedback and I hope I have been able to clarify myself.

Love
Smriti


yup...................

very much................

if it was intentional...............then u hav successed in what u wanted to do.........

so keep up ur work..........

and do write more

bye

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by suv.patki

Hey Smriti ... I liked this ff. How true, trust is essence of any relationship, especially Love. The concept, feel and narration was very well.


Thanks Suv! ( I hope I got the name right )
I completely agree with you. As I said to Sunaina while replying to her comment, that for me trust is the foundation of every relation. Any relation is doomed to fail if trust becomes an issue.
Glad you liked the concept and the narrative!
Thanks again for commenting!

mar-

IF-Dazzler

mar-

Joined: 22 August 2007

Posts: 2603

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 3:10pm | IP Logged
'grt shot really good

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smriti.tweety

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 26 September 2009 at 9:36pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by ShadowKiss

It's amazing. The title caught my eye and I'm so glad it is cause you're a damn good writer. It's so descriptive and amazingly written. Seriously this is one of the best I've read here. Would not only love to read more one shots but I'd love it if you write an FF.


Hey Shadowkiss!!!!! ( I am sorry I don't know your name)

The title seems to have been quite an eye catcher and the credit goes entirely to NJ for coming up with it! Thank you so much! I am really overwhelmed by the response that I have got. I am flattered that you think its one of the best you have read here, but honestly this forum is full of far better and mature writers.
As for more one shots; lets see when that happens :) as of now I have nothing on my mind! A whole FF....i am not too sure on that front, don't think I am creative enough for that :D
Thanks again for the wonderful comment!

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spln

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