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The Photograph l One shot story (Page 3)

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P.Kamaljit.Sean

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P.Kamaljit.Sean

Joined: 10 May 2008

Posts: 31464

Posted: 16 September 2009 at 6:54pm | IP Logged
Hey
wow that was very nice
amazing loved the begining
awesome very well written
i loved it

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U-No-Poo

IF-Sizzlerz

U-No-Poo

Joined: 15 June 2007

Posts: 23464

Posted: 18 September 2009 at 7:24am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Shikhoo

now i call this ...'
giving words to Ethics we are taught from our society !

well done.
 
Thankyou! Big smile

smriti.tweety

Senior Member

smriti.tweety

Joined: 13 August 2006

Posts: 238

Posted: 19 September 2009 at 6:30am | IP Logged

Hey Neeta!!!!!

 

I am extremely sorry I missed this one! Was inactive on IF last weekend; guess that can be the only excuse for having let this go by without reading.

Even though the mix of the first and the third person was done accurately and made quite an interesting read I somehow felt it would have flowed better and would have had a more lasting impact if penned down entirely in first person. That doesn't imply that it didn't have an impact; it certainly did. The ambiguity of the whole one shot was its absolute strength and the flow of thoughts extremely natural in their seeming vagueness. For it isn't as if our thoughts follow any narrative pattern; they just come to us given the situation our mind is already aware of; if you know what I mean. Times of distress always bring back the words of wisdom that we have learnt almost as ardently as nursery rhymes and it is then that we can truly appreciate the truth and depth behind them not to forget the difficulty in implementing them in our own lives.

The sudden urge to come through unscathed was equally realistic. I can easily co relate to it as I am sure quite a few of us can. The determination to fight back, bouncing back to the original state of misery again and back again to the fighter mode are a common thing with me. The ending quote from Robert Frost happens to be one of my favorites; this along with 'miles to go before I sleep' from ' passing by the woods on a snowy evening'.


All in all an amazing one shot; this style of writing in one shots where there isn't a preamble to the situation is something that I associate uniquely with you and somehow you are able to do an excellent job with it :)

 

Love

Smriti


And I am back editing my comment, hopefully before you have read it. As an afterthought, I was dwelling on what was amiss in the juggle between the first and the third person narrative. I realized that you have used the third person to provide hints on what brought about the misery or the status quo of her life in general and that is where I felt it didn't go down too well. Something as abstract as thoughts might not have required a headway for the reason behind them and even if you wanted to make the entire scenario clearer in our minds maybe it would have come out better as a part of her thoughts; not necessarily a way of serving as an informant for us but just as a natural consequence of deliberating upon her own situation.

It slipped my mind to mention that rain happens to be one of my all time 'sukh-dukh ka sathi'.   Wink   Its almost as if every time I am sad and it rains, it seemingly washes away a part of the pain and renews hopes :)

The use of the photograph as a prop to reflect on happier times and her mother acting as an inspiration was delightfully realistic! That's another that I forgot to add to my comment earlier; the emotional aspect overtook the other finer points I would have liked to appreciate.

It wasn't one of your finest works but definitely a good attempt in the direction of something I haven't seen on IF. So kudos to that and I hope you don't mind the dissection that I seem to have done of this one shot. I only wished to put across an honest review of the same.


p.s While posting the edit I realized why i missed this one; its in the writer's corner section and no wonder it had Swati as the protagonist rather than our famous serial names. :)



 



Edited by smriti.tweety - 19 September 2009 at 7:55am

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U-No-Poo

U-No-Poo

IF-Sizzlerz

U-No-Poo

Joined: 15 June 2007

Posts: 23464

Posted: 21 September 2009 at 7:28am | IP Logged
Originally posted by smriti.tweety

Hey Neeta!!!!!

 

I am extremely sorry I missed this one! Was inactive on IF last weekend; guess that can be the only excuse for having let this go by without reading.

Even though the mix of the first and the third person was done accurately and made quite an interesting read I somehow felt it would have flowed better and would have had a more lasting impact if penned down entirely in first person. That doesn't imply that it didn't have an impact; it certainly did. The ambiguity of the whole one shot was its absolute strength and the flow of thoughts extremely natural in their seeming vagueness. For it isn't as if our thoughts follow any narrative pattern; they just come to us given the situation our mind is already aware of; if you know what I mean. Times of distress always bring back the words of wisdom that we have learnt almost as ardently as nursery rhymes and it is then that we can truly appreciate the truth and depth behind them not to forget the difficulty in implementing them in our own lives.

First of all Smriti, Thanks alot for commenting Big smile Yes, I was going to do the whole thing in first person narration but sometimes I feel it provides a restrictive view of the story, so I decided to try out something new. But yes, I shall defenitely take your suggestion into consideration.
 
That is so true Smriti. In times of distress, you feel like clinging onto every word of advice that you can identify with.
 
The sudden urge to come through unscathed was equally realistic. I can easily co relate to it as I am sure quite a few of us can. The determination to fight back, bouncing back to the original state of misery again and back again to the fighter mode are a common thing with me. The ending quote from Robert Frost happens to be one of my favorites; this along with 'miles to go before I sleep' from ' passing by the woods on a snowy evening'.
 
 
I'm glad you could relate to the transition, it was one place I felt the story might fall flat, but I'm glad you could identify with the flow :)
 
I love those quotes too! Approve

All in all an amazing one shot; this style of writing in one shots where there isn't a preamble to the situation is something that I associate uniquely with you and somehow you are able to do an excellent job with it :)

Thankyou so much Smriti, your comment has totally made my day. Big smile

Love

Smriti


And I am back editing my comment, Welcome back! Big smile hopefully before you have read it. As an afterthought, I was dwelling on what was amiss in the juggle between the first and the third person narrative. I realized that you have used the third person to provide hints on what brought about the misery or the status quo of her life in general and that is where I felt it didn't go down too well. Something as abstract as thoughts might not have required a headway for the reason behind them and even if you wanted to make the entire scenario clearer in our minds maybe it would have come out better as a part of her thoughts; not necessarily a way of serving as an informant for us but just as a natural consequence of deliberating upon her own situation.

I accept your suggestion Approve I shall try my level best to implement it next time I write something similar Smile
 
 
It slipped my mind to mention that rain happens to be one of my all time 'sukh-dukh ka sathi'.   Wink   Its almost as if every time I am sad and it rains, it seemingly washes away a part of the pain and renews hopes :)

The use of the photograph as a prop to reflect on happier times and her mother acting as an inspiration was delightfully realistic! That's another that I forgot to add to my comment earlier; the emotional aspect overtook the other finer points I would have liked to appreciate.

Thankyou! Big smile
 
It wasn't one of your finest works but definitely a good attempt in the direction of something I haven't seen on IF. So kudos to that and I hope you don't mind the dissection that I seem to have done of this one shot. I only wished to put across an honest review of the same.

Not at all! Infact I'm glad that you were honest with your comments. Criticism always helps one to improve and your review was awesome! I'm glad to have earned a reader like you Smriti..Big smile


p.s While posting the edit I realized why i missed this one; its in the writer's corner section and no wonder it had Swati as the protagonist rather than our famous serial names. :)


HAHA! Tongue

 

 
Thankyou for being absolutely honest with your comments! I really appreciate it! Big smile

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smriti.tweety

guggu

IF-Dazzler

guggu

Joined: 03 February 2009

Posts: 3868

Posted: 12 October 2009 at 1:25am | IP Logged
*Reserved*

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ammy-ridz

Goldie

ammy-ridz

Joined: 08 January 2009

Posts: 1232

Posted: 15 October 2009 at 9:28am | IP Logged
That was a Great piece of work.
 
Loved the way you described the emotions there and it was almost as if I could feel every thing going around. Superb one shot.
 
Thanx.

legallyzoya

Goldie

legallyzoya

Joined: 27 February 2007

Posts: 1007

Posted: 19 October 2009 at 11:25pm | IP Logged
One word: AWESOME!!!Big smile

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Girl_2007

IF-Rockerz

Girl_2007

Joined: 25 November 2007

Posts: 5755

Posted: 29 December 2009 at 4:05am | IP Logged

Okz, permit me to type down to you what i feel about this piece Big smile

First, its not a vague story, its realli clear, and its a story piece, so if u find time and feel like it, do write about this character plz, wud like to read it.
Well, its a beautiful moment to write about, i mean, as a member said, its just a thing of few minutes and u've written a lot about it, Clap and u've practically expressed in words all the feelings that a person feels in such deep moments in which everything seems to stop to pay attention to the flood of things inside of you.
There r a lot of conclusions and thoughts that have got a high value, for example:
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on despite that fear"
"Our choices make us who we are"
The meaning of "home" for her, the ability of silence to rule some or other day in a space, and taking "the path less travelled by"
I thank you for all this Smile, this only text could teach one many things, I think it's worth more than what u thought while writting it.
Besides, it's just, so beautifully written..! Big smile
Really, thanks for sharing it wid us, and thnx for sharing ur sources of inspiration too. I loved the song, realli peaceful and inspiring. Smile
 
 
 

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U-No-Poo

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