Joined: 24 September 2007
"Nah ma, I'm okay," I dare not look into her eyes. I've been told that I am a very convincing liar, but a mother catches all lies.
"Sweetheart," she says, sitting down beside me. She hesitates, but places her arm around my shoulder. I recoil. "I know that it's been a rough few weeks for you. But look on the bright side, the media has calmed down' they aren't hovering around our mansion 24/7. I know you're truly sorry for what you've done' and I'm sure they know it too."
I nod, staring ahead, "Yeah, I know, and I'm okay ma. Really, you can stop worrying now."
She doesn't look convinced, but she decides not to argue. "Okay sweetheart, you promise me that you'll stop feeling guilty?"
I just nod. She walks out of the room, but I can tell that she's still worried about me.
I sigh as I get off of my bed. I can't see my mother like this, so for her sake, I'll head outside. I'll try smiling; I'll pretend that nothing's happened in these past few weeks. But as soon as I see my reflection in the mirror, I feel revolting. I can't stand to see my reflection anymore- the very reflection that I once used to take pride over.
I look away.
There's a sickening feeling at the pit of my stomach, the very same feeling I had when she left me. The very feeling I had when I realized that maybe, just maybe'Dia Bhushan was someone' someone very important in my life.
I look into the mirror once again. It reflects an evil, vile person who has hurt so many people. I take a closer look. This time, the reflection tells a different story. Instead of hate, I see loneliness. I see hurt, pain, and void. I see guilt' guilt so very deep that it is now an unbearable wound. His highness Rannvijay' the proud, self-obsessed, arrogant man who, in reality, is nothing but a sad, pathetic loner.
All I wanted was to get Dia where it hurt most' getting rid of her best friend, Samrat. I wanted her to feel guilty' to look into the mirror everyday and know that she was responsible for everything that happened to him. I wanted to get revenge from him, and from her. I wanted her to feel pain, I wanted her to lose who she treasured most' and that was him. At least, that's what I thought.
I still remember that day, police sirens filled the air, and swarms of people crowded the damaged car. There were screams, and cries. She held onto me for support.
"Sammy's going to be okay right? Nothing will happen to him?" she asked, tears filling her eyes.
I was supposed to feel good that my plan was working, but seeing her cry made me feel otherwise.
After Samrat was locked behind bars, I promised to have him out of there through my many connections and acquaintances. I knew I was lying, but she didn't. She believed me. She trusted me like no other.
That day, she looked into my eyes and told me that she loved me. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what to say.
I spent days and nights thinking about what she said, recalling every moment I had spent with her. Guilt started to build up inside of me' and I started seeing Dia in a new way. I started to feel incomplete without her by my side, I felt nervous when I was around her'everything was new. With her, I could be a whole new Rannvijay. I could be a better person. I decided that it was time I told her the whole truth, but every time I confronted her, I froze.
What if she left me? I wouldn't be able to live without her, but I wouldn't be able to live without letting her know that I was responsible for everything wrong going on in her life. How was I supposed to tell her that I was wrong for her?
But the truth comes out one-way or another, and that's exactly what happened.
I spend every second of my life regretting what I did. I still hope that one day, maybe she'll find it in her heart to forgive me, to accept me, and to love me the way I love her. Life is full of surprises, nothing is certain, but I can keep hoping, and that is exactly what I'll do. Today, tomorrow, and forever.
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