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Living relationship Vs Marriage (Page 5)

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Vinzy

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Posted: 23 July 2009 at 12:20am | IP Logged
Originally posted by sandya_rao7

Originally posted by saatphereizcool

if you're gonna be in a living relationship, you're gonna be doing all the things that married couples do. SO WHY NOT JUST GET MARRIED?


bcoz......... first u want to see, how ur married life will be after u marry that person. its like a test drive. to see how a car is on the road.--Ya every body like to do test drive ,own their own car!!Wink ...who try to buy a taxi...TongueBut some people change the cars after the test driveTonguethey say....kabi kabi bore ho jate hey ..same road, same rute.,same horn,same starting probs,..same signal....Tongue


Edited by Believe - 23 July 2009 at 12:22am

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qwertyesque

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Posted: 23 July 2009 at 11:05am | IP Logged
people who think this is for trial are fooling themselves... if you zare not committed u are always a part of a charade.. where nothing si real.......so you can still expect surprieses after marriage...

-Sneha

IF-Dazzler

-Sneha

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Posted: 23 July 2009 at 11:21am | IP Logged
Originally posted by return_to_hades

Originally posted by sneha0601

Firstly I don't agree when Sarina talks about how live-in relationships keeps someone free... But that again comes down to our POV! It doesn't mean that someone in a live-in relationship automatically has trust because she/he wants to stay despite being free... I see it more like staying in fear of, that someday, there might, I repeat there might be someone else to take away that place... If someone is truly in love, he could still be married and not feel bounded by duty to stay at all... Or otherwise the divorce rate wouldn't be so up there today!! Lol....


I am not sure that you are taking what I mean by 'unconditional and free' love in the same context. Could you please explain what did you take my interpretation to be. Based on that I will clarify further. Smile



Hey Sarina....Tongue

Well I understood it in this way: You meant to say that in a live-in relationship, the person may feel more secure and satisfied, because the partner is always there for you, chooses to stay not bounded by any contract or lawful document, but simply because despite being able to live leave whenever he wants to to, he stays on to build up something with you... Isn't that it? Wink

Isn't that what you meant when you said 'unconditional and free' love? Unconditional because its the person's will when to stay or when to leave, not a document, some vows or two signatures, actually four LOL - and free, because that itself constitutes his freedom... And that of the partner....

Oh and please don't go by the phrases, go by the idea huh... LOL

Cheers!!

PS. Just by the way, I don't say these points of yours are not right... I said I don't agree with them... Maybe that's why I preferred the Amrita in Vivah you know... LOL -Kidding!!...

-Sneha

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-Sneha

Joined: 01 September 2008

Posts: 4140

Posted: 23 July 2009 at 11:23am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Believe

Originally posted by sandya_rao7

Originally posted by saatphereizcool

if you're gonna be in a living relationship, you're gonna be doing all the things that married couples do. SO WHY NOT JUST GET MARRIED?


bcoz......... first u want to see, how ur married life will be after u marry that person. its like a test drive. to see how a car is on the road.--Ya every body like to do test drive ,own their own car!!Wink ...who try to buy a taxi...TongueBut some people change the cars after the test driveTonguethey say....kabi kabi bore ho jate hey ..same road, same rute.,same horn,same starting probs,..same signal....Tongue



Yeah, and when they get fed up of it all... They buy their own one... However boring, useless or unlively it is... Its still their own... I don't totally get the analogy... Or maybe I didn't get it the way you guys said it!! LOL

Coming back to the discussion, I feel each individuals likes trial, but finally they end up getting to buy their own one, the one who wouldn't go away when the ride's over... If you see what I mean... LOL

return_to_hades

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return_to_hades

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Posted: 23 July 2009 at 11:21pm | IP Logged
Sneha - you got it partly right.

I honestly do not think any form of relationship live-in or marriage can be more free or secure than the other. In fact there is really no such thing as a truly 'free' relationship. When you care for someone in any way - there is automatically an understood sense of obligation and commitment. However, the level of trust, freedom, security and emotional aspects completely depends on the two people involved in the relationship - it has nothing to do with how the relationship maybe socially or technically defined.

When I say unconditional and free, it means that you love someone for what they are. You let them be free to be themselves and not mold them to be what you vision them to be. It is not as much about the relationship, as much as it is about the other person.

Some human beings cannot wait to fall in love. They desire that deep level of attachment and commitment. Having someone to be in love with and take that relationship to the next level completes them. Many others on the other hand are terrified of the feeling. The ability of another human being to have so much control on your life emotionally and socially is terrifying. There is a sense of vulnerability. It is a rite of passage accepting that vulnerability as one's greatest strength - some people take longer than others.

For some people marriage is of utmost importance emotionally and socially. They are unwilling to linger around and engage in something that does not have the sense of sanctity and integrity that marriage has. It is fair enough. Personally, I think unwillingness to marry for whatsoever reason does not make a person love any less. If I felt that the person is honest and genuine, I do not care what sort of relationship it is.

(Note: Some people do stick around in live-in or dating arrangements - hoping that the person will change their mind. Sometimes this is worth it, people do change. However, if you want to get married - you have to be prepared that at some point you have to realize that you have to move on - because the person is taking too long, perhaps will not change and your life is slipping away.)

There is no extra sense of 'security' or 'freedom' in a live-in in a real sense. In my opinion a live-in or marriage is equally likely to succeed or fail depending on the person. It is equally possible to feel constricted or free in either, and it depends completely on the person. For me keeping someone free is is trying to limit the sense of constriction, no matter what sort of relationship.

However, for me I really do not care much about live-in or marriage. The most important aspect for me is who is the other person involved.  However, I tend to think that live-in might be better.

Marriage for me is the most beautiful union between two people, a culmination of mind, body and soul. It is a covenant between two people and whatever they may believe in. When two people tell each other that they found the one and want to spend the rest of their lives with each other, through every bit of life's up and down - that is a marriage.

Marriage is not what the state or church or society says what it should be. Marriage is not a ritual or a contract or a covenant with society. It is not a license for sex, it is not a passport to a country, it is not a ticket to wealth, it is not a ladder up in society, it is not a tax break, it is not a series of benefits. And this is exactly why I vehemently and strongly dislike 'marriage' for what it has been reduced to in our society. 'Marriage' as it conventionally stands in society today is nothing but a ritual or a legal arrangement.

I'd rather not blindly follow and conform to this social and legal obligation that demeans what relationships really ought to be. If two people make that commitment as a described above with each other, and genuinely mean it -thats a marriage. Whether they choose to just live together or actually have an elaborate ritual or a quite legal signing is irrelevant.

Anyway, drifting on to another aspect.

There are various reasons why people choose live-in. One is the no strings attached casual relationship. This may or may not become something serious and longterm. While, I personally would not be able to live in one, if people want it - then go for it. You just have to be prepared for the worst though.

Sometimes it is to get to know each other. In todays world with busy schedules, living across town - people never have the time and ability to really date and get acquainted. That is why they jump the gun and live together. Its a risky move, but for some people it is a necesscary last ditch effort when they have no time to meet people in their hectic lives. Its either live-in or never meet anyone and be single - or let your parents hook you up (a convenience Asian families have)

Another is the trial-run. They really do like a person. They think they want to be with them forever. But they need to try it out to know for sure. This aspect receives a lot of flak. It is defended as testing a car and gets flak that humans are not cars.

However, this is a very practical aspect to a long term relationship. Sometimes the important thing when choosing someone to be with for the rest of your life, it is not about meeting the one whom you cannot live without - it is about meeting the one you can actually live with.

Dating someone, spending time with them for short periods. Dinner movies, talking etc may help you know a person. You may get used to them that you get anxious when they are not around. That does not mean you can actually live the rest of your life with them.

You often hear of best friends in school or college, becoming roommates and then actually absolutely hating each other. Many people pass on the advice 'your roommate may become your best friend, but don't make your best friend your roommate'. People often remain baffled at how hard they had it to get along. They say we had all the same interests, we slept over all the time in highschool, we went camping together - how could it end up being so bad.

The thing is in the courtship process people put on their best 'front'. It is even a more conscious than in friendship because you want the person to like you in a special way. They portray qualities they deem will impress and woo people, while hiding their weaknesses or irksome qualities. However, when you spend a good part of their day with someone, you drop your guard, get comfortable and show your true personalities.

Some people may tolerate bad habits like messiness, smoking in the house, playing TV too loudly, staying up too late, waking up to early, poor taste in furniture and decorating etc - after all when you love someone a silly thing like snoring is not something that should end a good relationship. But these things can add up and be frustrating.

Pets and family can be other dealbreakers. As a dog owner, the most terrifying thought is having someone say - your dog is loud, annoying, expensive and always growls at me - get rid of it. I have no qualms in saying, I would dump the human that very instant. But if someone has pets, kids or family that lives with or elderly/dsiabled relatives they take care of - the last thing you want is to get married and find out that your spouse has a problem with the ones you live with.

Finally the most important factor is finding out aspects of personality that just cross the border and you simply cannot live with. Aspects like bigotry, racism, misogyny are thing most people cannot live with. There could be other personality and incompatbility issues. You could discover that you are not as compatible as you thought you were.

In the old fashioned arranged marriage system, people were expected to adjust with all the difficulties and make it work. Of course many people stil believe in that principle. However, when you marry out of love, its better not to be naive and unrealistic about it. Sometimes no matter how uncondtional and free you try to be there are limitations on love. It is best to get these sorted out before marriage than after, because it will hurt way more later or lead to an unhappy life. Of course there are no guarantees in life. Sometimes faith counts and those who dare to make that leap of faith without a trial, good for them.

Even if you are not up for live-in, I highly reccomend people to take a long roadtrip/backpacking trip and share rooms while traveling. Long road trips or backpacking trips really make you aware if you can live with the person. Unfortunately, most Indian parents will die of shock at this suggestion.


Ruslaan_Mumtaz

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Ruslaan_Mumtaz

Joined: 15 August 2009

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Posted: 16 August 2009 at 12:10am | IP Logged
Marriage! If you ask the girl to cook for you she will throw in extra by cleaning your clothes, but if you ask a live-in partner she will get a broom.

*Woh Ajnabee*

IF-Sizzlerz

*Woh Ajnabee*

Joined: 15 September 2007

Posts: 22665

Posted: 16 August 2009 at 12:11am | IP Logged
Originally posted by Ruslaan_Mumtaz

Marriage! If you ask the girl to cook for you she will throw in extra by cleaning your clothes, but if you ask a live-in partner she will get a broom.


So, that's the only incentive for marriage? A maid for a wife?

Ruslaan_Mumtaz

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Ruslaan_Mumtaz

Joined: 15 August 2009

Posts: 7

Posted: 16 August 2009 at 12:29am | IP Logged
you don't have to think of it as being maid or something...I think it's sexy.

Anyway, here is my honest philosophy: Education--Marriage--Dating--Sex. You can flip flop the last two, I am not sure yet lol.

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