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i m bad, but help me

zinnaa Newbie

Joined: 01 July 2009
Posts: 1

Posted: 01 July 2009 at 10:48am | IP Logged

Hello guys today i am going to tell you story about myself and i need some advice

My story started about 6 years ago when i got married i was in love with a guy but my parents did not approved and sort of force me to marry my husband.  they said i had choose between the guy i loved and them.  I choose my family.  after marriage i realised i made big mistake as i was not in love with my huband.  he was not the person that i thouught he would be.  i often compared him to my ex b/f .  we did not had any intimate relationship. he was preparing for his exams for pharmacy and i was studying to become RN.  we lived toghter but my husband was more of roommate.  at the same time i met a guy at my work and i started having affair with him.  i was happy he was a friend and lover.  i told my husband many times that i wanted a divorce as i did not loved him but nothing happened.  after one year later i broke up the affair with my work guy.  i was lonely and i was depressed all the time.  one night i was online and a met a guy from different city.  we started chatting and he came to meet me.  at that time i did not told this guy that i was married.  however i fell in love with him.  he went back to his city after few days.  came back after few months and we made love and started to have relationship.  then he went back.  after a while i found out that he was married but was living seprate and he did not had papers.  i also told him that i m married and i live with my husband.  he forgive me and i forgave him for the lies and kept our relationship going.  after while when he came to see me he braught me a ring and he said he wanted to marry be but couldnt at that time he also said that he can't stay with me because of his papers.  i was loosing my trust and we sort of had fight.  he was really mad at me.  after while he forgave me.  meantime i was still not in good terms with my husband.  i told my b.f that my husband is not living with me and we had serpated.  my bf came to visit me.  i asked him again to move in with me.  he said he couldnt at that time.  he left after few days.  i was feeling guilty because i was laying to everybody.  my husband is very nice person, clean heart guy he loved me a lot but i never loved him.  i was in love with my bf so out of fustration i tried to kill myself and my huband found me unconsious and took me to the hospital and through my phone my husband found about the other guy.  my bf was mad at me for laying to me and my husband still wanted to work out things between me and him.  i told my parents that i dont want to be with my husband but they said ifi divoce then they going to stop talking with me.  i called my bf and my bf said he will be with me but i had to wait as he is still waiting for the papers and he aslo said that he does not trust me anymore.  i dont want to stay with my husband as i dont love him but pressure from my family is too much.  i dont know what to do now.  i feel if stayed with my husband then i will try to harm myself again.  if leave my family then i dont loose them forever and plus i dont know if i should trust my bf what if he leaves me or what if he has to go back to india i m very depressed and confuse but i love my bf he makes me happy but he can not stay with for now he told me to wait for few months andi dont know if i have strength to do that
i dont know who to choose should i leave my family for my bf or should i stay with my husband whom i never loved and cant make happy
pls hellp

xox.iloveyou IF-Rockerz

Joined: 08 June 2006
Posts: 9813

Posted: 01 July 2009 at 11:24am | IP Logged
Hmm. wow tuff life i must say . i think you should stay wid yur husband. look at da good side of him. if he loves you den im sure yu'll eventually start liking him. and yur family does have a point, give yur husband A CHANCE. give yur relationship a chance maybe in the end yu might be da one to live happily ever after . lol
bout yur boyfrend. if i were you, i wouldnt trust him. yu practically JUST met him. yu dont knoe his background, HIS OTHER GIRLFRENDS and if hes married and seperated WHO WAS DA CAUSE OF THE SEPERATION him or the girl? he seems like a relle suspicious guyy. i dunoo.
i think yu should choose yur husband. everyone would be happy that way. him as in yur husband, yur family and maybe YOU !
buut, like overall dont do anything dat yu will regret and want to go back to yur husband.  

The following 1 member(s) liked the above post:


persistence Goldie

Joined: 11 August 2005
Posts: 1777

Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:46pm | IP Logged
A difficult situation!
I suggest you move away from all:  your husband, boy-friend, and family. AT least for some time. It will give you space to think for yourself.
Write down, your feelings for your family, for your husband, and for your boyfriend. You know, the three entities though entangled are different issues.
From what I read, you are acting out of fear of abandonment and insecurity - in case of your family, and in case of your boyfriend.
You also seem to be stuck in a loveless marriage. I assume your husband knows about your past, and current affairs. I am tempted to ask you to think why he still wants to stay with you.
Family: have you told your family about the situation your family has created by forcing you into a marriage in the first place? Have you told them they continue to make you miserable by asking you to stay in your situation? Have you asked them how they are happy when you are miserable? Have you asked them what is driving their 'not wanting to talk to you, cutting you off' etc. ? IT's certainly not your happiness or their idea of your happiness, is it?? Be upfront and bold with your family. How long can they stop talking to you?? HOnestly, if they don't realize how miserable you are. I will seriously recommend staying away/not consenting to anything just because they would be happy. NOt quite sure why they would be happy in your misery, though. If talking is hard; tell them in writing... write a letter.
Husband: I find it strange that your husband is willing to work it all out after all that has happened. Have you tried to figure out why? Have you told him all the truths of your life?? If he still is, and you think the reason is 'love', genuine love for you.... then you may want to give it a chance. But like I said, stay away.... start to date your husband; find out what you like about him; what he is like. It's never good to compare to your previous experiences with others, especially the negative ones. Develop a relationship, from start, from new. Pretend you are not married to him. etc. etc. You catch my drift? Then, if you don't like him.... divorce; no need to stay in loveless marriage... especially not for the fear that your parents will stop talking to you. If you are miserable, I am sure ultimately, your parents will be too.
Boy-friend: well, are you in love with this guy? Would this guy mind if you work on things with your husband? Tell him you need space to think, and work things out. Again, you are scared that this person will leave you.... are you sure he is in love with you?? Your husband is willing to work; your boy-friend and you have trust issues. I am sure you are smart enough to figure out if the guy really is into you or not.  Also, check out this boyfriends' background, etc. TRUST Is essentail in a relationship. See, if he is willing ot work on building it. If not, he is not worth it.
Lastly, it is YOUR life; you decide how to live it. YOu decide what makes you happy. Not your parents; not your husband; not your boy-friend.
Like I said, write down things.... perhaps, visit a counsellor and figure out things, etc. Get space between you, your parents, husband, and boyfriend. THINK, and FEEL for YOURSELF. And Lastly, DON't THINK of HARMING YOURSELF. You will hurt many people with that action. Nothing can be so hard that it can't be overcome. Hardships will make your stronger.
Best wishes,
PS. You have hurt your self-esteem. YOu are NOT bad, just caught in VERY difficult circumstances. I am sure you will overcome it, with strength, prayer, and friends.  YOu have friends? talk to them. Perhaps they can also help you sort out your feelings.
PS2. I just reread your post. I have to say that you should really really check on this boyfriends' background. If Oprah is to be believed, cheaters (I am sorry to say, but he seems one, too) are hard to trust. YOu don't know if he is even separated for sure? do you? Maybe he just decided to have an affair, and is therefore avoiding to be with you. YOU NEVER KNOW FOR SURE. Really make sure if this guy is worth considering as you try to simplify your life.

Edited by persistence - 01 July 2009 at 1:56pm

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minioo1 Goldie

Joined: 01 March 2007
Posts: 1630

Posted: 01 July 2009 at 6:17pm | IP Logged
really tough situation

i would suggest that dont leave ur husband... he truly loves u thats y after knowing all the truths of ur life he is still willing to fix up ur relationship

and i would say try to look at ur husband wid a different point of view... currently u r focusing at the feeling that u hate him ... just forget that for a minute and look at his good sides and maybe try to use them to make ur life joyful

but again think over all the goods and bads of ur husband and or boyfriends

and feel free to use a paper or pen to jot them down and then decide who is better and who can earn u a happier life

iiHEARTyu-x0 IF-Rockerz

Joined: 04 January 2007
Posts: 7134

Posted: 01 July 2009 at 9:45pm | IP Logged
you should stay with yur husband.
because HE loves. yu shouldnt go to the one whom yu love, but the one who loves you. and yur husband seems rlly nice and generous, because after finding out about yur "bf" he still wanted to work things out. so for the best, stay with yur husband, and enjoy liife with him, and DONT harm yurself.
good luck. :)
snowflake0555 IF-Sizzlerz

Joined: 08 July 2006
Posts: 24602

Posted: 01 July 2009 at 10:17pm | IP Logged
i agree w/ everyone else you should def. stay with your husband... i mean a marraige is a big committment, you cant just break it off like that. your husband seems liike a nice, caringg guyy. even when he found out you were having an affair w/ your bf, he didn't flip out on youu and like.. idk raise his hand or something... probably what any typical husband would have done to his wife if he found out she was cheating on him. but your bf.. idk he seems.. mysterious. likee rida said, you dk much about him and he keeps leaving and says he cant marry u cuz of "papers".. if he really loved you then he would no matter what.. and plus he's already married.. has he even talked to his wife and stuff?

i say you should stay with your husband because im sure he loves youu, and your family is really happy w/ him too... dont leave him, i'm sure once you give him a chance and give the relationship a chance, you'll fall in love with him too and forget about all the other guyss...

good luck...btw this should be posted in the advice corner :)
-Yaz- IF-Rockerz

Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 5049

Posted: 10 July 2009 at 9:27pm | IP Logged
My god that Is tough ...

It'll be hard for you to stay in a relationship with your husband however caring he is, when you can't get yourself to love ... and No offence to you, he Deserves happiness, which you can't give him Ouch

as for your family, i don't understand what sort of family they are if they actually forced you into this Marriage, so i've got no sympathy for them Dead and i know your their child and you Love them soo much too hurt them, but seriously how long can you go on with this... for god sake you tried to Kill your self !! Angry

Now your boyfriend .. To be Honest he sounds Like a   Censored to me, and what sort of relationship are you in, if you can't trust him and he can't trust you ..

and you say you Love him, if you Love him you'll trust him ... i think your just infatuated !! honey ...

My advise is to you ....

is think with your brain on what's right and what's wrong ..

and BTW your the one who has to Live your life, not your parents Confused

Take care

and i hope all this Mess is soon sorted out for you ... Good Luck !!

Edited by iqbal-pallavi - 10 July 2009 at 9:28pm
Sujal_Fan_No1 Goldie

Joined: 06 November 2008
Posts: 1483

Posted: 11 July 2009 at 4:03am | IP Logged
U should stay with ur husband and stop comparing him to ur other bf's coz if u do that u wont see the goodness in his love, and with this other bloke u dont even no if things r goingn too work out or not, he says he cant trust u, so wat is the point of being in a relationship wer there is no trust???

Where as on the other hand it seems like ur husband truly cares for u, even after he foundout about all the affairs and stuff he wanted too work your two's relationship out and make it work,

Edited by Sujal_Fan_No1 - 11 July 2009 at 4:06am
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