Joined: 20 February 2008
Joined: 20 February 2008
The multitude of humanity present in the colossal foyer of IC had no idea that their lives were going to come to an end within a matter of a few seconds. No one could have thought, even for a fleeting moment, that the blithe look on the faces of those people, who had gathered to celebrate the silver jubilee of Incognito Critics, was going to be turned into an expression of dismay and horror.
Every person departed from the hall had the same look of happiness on their faces. Until they were tucked safely in their beds. At home.
All critics bid adieu to each other, at the chilly dawn, after partying the entire night. They walked towards their respective homes, expecting the warm and welcoming air of their houses to engulf them at their doorsteps.
While all the critics were peacefully slipping into a world of illusions, Ishan felt the earth shake slightly. He decided to ignore the tremor the first time, but it happened again. This time it was more intense. The critic slipped out of bed, sensing that something was wrong; he opened the front door and stepped out. By now the tremors had become more periodically frequent and more intense. Fear crept up in his eyes as he stared at a nearby flower vase shaking. It seemed as if it was not just an earthquake, as a beam of white light arose out of the skyline and began to diffuse in every form of the sky. As the tremors grew, the critics woke up, and in fear, they all gathered outside and glared at the sky.
Their eyes traveled from the arena of dust to the emerging white light, and their fear grew as the white light blinded their eyes. It was not much time before the white light shot out of its origin and consumed all humans, engulfed them within its delusionary arms in one fleeting moment. Silence prevails.
Simi, the boozer critic held her face in her hands and said with a baffled expression on her face, "Where in the name of the holy god are we?" Riya, the BLs trader of the CC, slowly got up and looked around, seeing nothing but white masses of clouds, she, too replied with a confused expression on her face "Dunno, you think we had too many BLs last night? "
Ramsha searched her memory and snapped "OMG! I sawed a dream about this" By that time, all the critics had woken up and were looking from each other to the weird looking surroundings. Then one thing struck all the dead critics at the same time. Dhara was the first to voice it, "Hang on. if we're dreaming, how come we're all in the same dream ?" As they were mumbling and rambling in order to solve the confusion, they heard a distant voice calling out to them, "CRITICS! You're all seated outside the court of god, whereby, you all will be subjected to a trial"
The voice came from behind an
entangled mass of clouds, As the clouds began to drift apart, A
Kawasaki Hayabusa came into view. Critics stared with their mouths
agape as the bike came to screeching halt next to them and a huge woman
stepped down. She was tall and heavy, and had a protruding stomach
which looked as if someone had just inflated a balloon. All of them
looked up at the huge, heavyset woman, dazed and startled at the
traditional-modern bizarre combo.
THE WOMAN HAD A HUGE WHITE MOUSTACHE! She wriggled them back into place as she stomped her way in front of the critics and placed her hands on her huge waist. At that particular moment, a variety of flower petals started to fall from the clouds floating higher up, and music began to play, "Aamie je tomar, shuddho je tomar". She smiled in the most eerie way possible, showing her large and out-of-place teeth. "Main hoon...YAMRAJ ZAINAB" said the self-proclaimed Yamraj in a booming voice. The critics felt the brain inside their skulls shake up.
Yamraj continued, "You're all here to be subjected to a trial by god, whereby your fate will be decided. Please line up" When Zainab noticed that the baffled expression had yet not left the critics' faces, she rolled her eyes and exclaimed, "DUDE ! YOU'RE DEAD ! Why do you think you would be meeting god otherwise?....Stupid mortal fools"
At once, all critics began to sob and cry. In order to save themselves from the facing the wrath of God, they clung to Yamraaj's feet in desperation, "Please spare us ! Please spare us !". Yamraaj looked grossed out, "Filthy Fools, do not stroke my feet with your grubby hands, for your hands entangled with my feet produces an equally hideous combo as KSG's limbs entangled with an art called dance !"
Whilst the Yamraaj jolted the critics away from its feet that appeared to have elephantitis, a sudden ray of silver intense light engulfed the courtyard which nearly blinded the fearful critics.
God descended from heaven with all her feminine glory. She held the DVD of Mission Impossible in one hand, and a bike chain in another-- inspired by her favorite character on TV- Ranvijay. The Critics looked at each other, dazed and confused. "Wait, wasn't God suppose to look like Jesus?" questioned Miloni. 'You mean the man who looks like he was born in California and surfed regularly?' replied Aisha.
While the critics scurried around the court in hopes of rescue, Nimmi sat on the ground, still dizzy with the news of how Kareena Kapoor had an abortion at age 16, while Sonam Kapoor had an illicit relationship with Ranbir Kapoor. In hopes of finding lemonade to cure her dizziness, she spoke, "God sounds like an alright guy but what has he done for me lately?"
The Masoom Critics, Mahi and Neha, stood upfront. Mahi turned to Neha, shivering her puny fingers and asked Neha "Does god love their nanna-muna critics?" Neha replied "God loves you Mahi! He really does! He wants to run to you in a field of fluffy dandelions and take you in his arms and hold you and kiss your face and tell you that it's all going to be okay"'
"Yes, but is there going to be Maggie noodles in heaven? " questioned Mahi.
Noreen, who was overhearing the
conversation taking place between the two masoom critics, rolled her
eyes and said "I knew I shouldn't have watched DMG today. Rox warned
me. And now God is releasing His wrath upon us'
Chandu looked up into the sky, and saw Rox emerge: 'HOMMIES! Rox IS God'. All Critics shrieked and began to run in fear. Chaos ensued. 'Behold the wrath of Roxy'-- retorted Caro.
"Don't eat me! I have two masoom critics. Eat them," cried Sayeed. In the midst of the chaos, Sonu, the resident Critic, seemed calm and collected. "I hope she lets me spam in heaven"
On the other end of the court, handsome hunk Ishan was busy dozing off and dreaming about a bikini clad Shilpa Anand. He suddenly awoke from all the chaos and stood there for 10 minutes, scratching his head, his chin, and other places for equilibrium. Upon his realization that Rox was indeed God, he claimed "So God is now revealing himself.. or Herself through the chat club section of an Indian entertainment message board? Man, God has really lowered His standards these days"
The Almighty, who was angered by the maddening chatter amongst the Critics, spoke in a loud voice "Silence My Children. The Day of Judgment has arrived and you all shall know your ultimate destination, heaven or hell, this day. As I analyze your deeds, my angels will assist you in following directions. I bless."
The Trial Room guard marched towards the critics lined up. Upon a closer look, the critics realized that the guard was none other than Mithun! Now, we're not sure what Mithun is doing in this story, but we deduce that it has something to do with his recent ecstasy trip to Dance India Dance. He clearly could not handle Alisha's sensational item number, and experienced a seizure. One by one, all of the critics gave a grand salute to the Guard. Mithun laid his eyes on Neeta, winked at her and said "you are mindddddddddddblowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwing"... so you get to go in first'
Neeta Kapoor shyly walked into the Trial Room with a Danny boy poster in one hand and HP series in her other hand. A born genius, who is hit for making them aunties and children cry by her heavy vocabulary, maintained her posture calm as she walked towards the court. As God flipped through the pages of Neeta's book of deeds, Her fingers quivered on PG 69, when God noticed that Ms. Kapoor experienced wet dreams about Daniel Radcliffe at age 11. God inquired "My child, will you care to explain why you had rainy dreams that too of man who you can't even call a 'man"
"Well you see God, Radcliffe is a man with an amiable grin, intellect wits, strapping carcass, and striking oval - shaped bifocals. Through deductive reasoning, I can pledge you that if YOU assert him to be a "half" man, then you indeed are deriding your own creation and if you do so, then you dare mock your own nature. Now through inductive reason, I can assure you that YOU would not want to be proven erroneous since then all your commands will be snatched away by the Yamraaj. Of course, you wouldn't be so entertained by such a blasphemerous idea, so I'
God's brain: Oh Myself, I wish she'd talk in shoet hand. What does that mean? Better say something or she'll think you're stupid.
"My child, you have chosen to worship an imposter. He is a woman trapped inside a boy's body. I damn you to hell Not only that, but you offend thyself by using such large words to communicate. My child, are you not aware that I was created billions of years ago? There were no dictionaries or books in that age"
"But God, didn't you create the world? Than how can you claim that you were created" asked Neeta
"SILENCE! The last time anyone questioned my authority, I let the Vietnam War happen. I condemn you to hell"
With God's last word, Zainab the devil dragged Neeta to the gates of Hell.
"Hey there Pretty Lady, aa chalti kya, God ne bulaya'
God observed Chandu for a brief moment, as if she was searching her memory, and spoke "My Child, I have witnessed your obsession with the world of science. Whether it's your knowledge of the SA node, or proteins, you have always placed your knowledge of science before me. Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things"
Chandu, who was angered by God's admission, quarreled back. "If the knowledge of deoxygenated and oxygenated blood along with AV node and bicuspid valve had not been provided to mankind by science, then the race of hawt men such as Baichung, Silly Billy, or HomMiE KSG would have been wiped out from the face of earth. Seeing is believing. The less science available, the less power you hold."
God simply looked down upon the lifeless soul and spoke, "My Child, You do not believe in me or My Mad Skills. You shall experience another death, one that is more excruciating than the last one. I'm reserving you a first class ticket to the bowels of the omniverse upon your death. It will be a very untimely death."
"Should I tell him before we're separated?" pondered Huma mentally. At the same time, Huma #2 sat mulling over the same idea, "I think I should tell him now, what's there to lose anyway?" and with that thought, both of them got up together, unaware of either of their intentions, and walked towards where Sayeed sat, apparently mumbling to himself. As they got closer, they could hear what he was saying '
"She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, She loves me not'..She loves me, she loves me not" Sayeed paused for a sigh and continued, "I should have told her when she had come to visit us on Earth. Now that I'm dead, I've lost my chance forever"
Huma and Huma#2 stared at each other in confusion. Meanwhile Sayeed persisted with his introspection, "Oh Jadooni ! How I wish I had stopped you when you walked inside that spaceship, away from me forever!"
Sayeed continued, "You're the most beautiful alien I have ever seen" he finished with another sigh.
Huma and Huma#2 stood still with shock as the fact registered within their minds, they felt their hearts break ' Sayeed was in love with an alien.
In the intervening time, Mithun Da exclaimed, "UP NEXT ' SIMI !"
God looked at the girl disdainfully and thought, " Am I to deal with such a barbarian?!" "Simi, you have committed some formidable crimes, the most heinous being involvement in homosexuality. Other crimes include, distributing BLs among the underage, resolute alcoholism. My child, you do not have the right to abuse my creations. They're extremely valuable, and do not deserve to be contaminated by unfit people like you. It is my Holy request that you break off all ties with Riya"
Simi kept staring at God throughout her nonsensical speech, and when she finished, she said in a low voice, "Abe..Tune abhi kya baqwaas ki ? Apun ke bheje mein kuchh nahi ghusa ! BLs kha bachhoo..tera dimaag ekdum track pe aa jayega" she finished with fishing out a dabba of BLs and offering them to god.
God looked at her incredulously for a while and finally said, "My child, you have had the nerve of affronting my esteemed creations, and this distasteful act has completely grossed me out, you nitwit. I henceforth damn your soul to rot in hell forever."
Mithun strode towards the perfectly lined up critics and observed, his eyes fell upon a particular girl who he instantly deduced to be insane, "Hey you ! Bhikhari-dance ki fan ! You're up next"
Riya got up and hopped towards the confession box humming 'Aaye Pappi, Aaye Pappi aye..Aye Pappi .. let me take you higher! Higher and higher' to herself. Mithin interrupted her and said 'Well you can't get any higher than this' and broke out into manic laughter. She continued to bounce even while standing in the confession box. God felt insulted and ignored and bellowed, "RIYA ! How dare you ignore the handsome Almighty before you and dance to the tunes of Shahid Kapur ? You shall be persecuted for this serious breach of the laws set by me!"
Riya looked up at God and said, "God, Shahid Kapur is my one and only 'Bakhuda'" she paused for a sigh, which came naturally to her whenever she thought of Shahid, she slipped into a trance and continued to rave about Shahid, "My SaSha is so handsome..He has exquisite eyes, alluring physique, an august face..."
God gaped at her as if she was being trashed to the lowest level of hell, "My child, you have made the almighty feel belittled and auxiliary, a feeling which has not been felt by God. Ever. And I do not like it. You are damned to hell."
As Riya was being dragged to the bloodcurling gates of hell, Mithun da was ordered to bring in the next victim.
"My child, Mitsy, how is ma girl?' God raised Her Almighty hands in midair, and pointed towards Kanika. "And you, Kanikaa, back off dude. I have noticed both of your obsessions with certain fictional characters. I have also witnessed the long nights you have spent worshipping Sajan and Mayur. My children, despite my efforts to create sexual tensions between Samrat and RV, you have still not reduced your obsessions. Keep worshipping your false idols. Really. It does not get old. We do not feel slighted in the least up here"
"You ungrateful pricks. I damn you."
The trial session proceeded and the ever innocent Dhara skipped near God. She smiled innocently as she looked at her, and inquired "God is there any way I can contact you from Heaven? Like any mailing list? You see I would like to keep myself updated on KaSh, and whether they will be seen together again"
"My child, God does not have an email address. She still uses a pager. I know, I know. But she's old and stuck to Her ways."
Sugary Dharu got irritated and inquired once more, "God I asked you when I will see Shona again! You know what? If you're so Almighty and powerful, why couldn't you bring Shona back? After all, you did like Shona as well. I don't believe in your powers"
God eyed her in horror as she was surprised to see sugary Dhara turn into a salty Dhara and declared, "My Child, you not only have disrespected my authority, but you have also made me despise my own creature which is against my holy nature. You can hope for Shona in the deepest layer of hell. I damn you."
"When you arrive in the bowels of the omniverse, I will set the thermostat down there to a toasty 1,475,000 degrees centigrade. My Father lets me use it now since I've turned two thousand"
"Burn in Hell,
While the fate of fellow Critics was being decided, Sonia sat outside, as she spent the last few moments with the critics. She turned to Caro, and pondered for a while. "You know Caro, Rox once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Sonu, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
She made her way into God's court." Yo God, what's with the beard? It makes you look like you've got something to hide."
"My child, Helen of Troy likes how it tickles. That is beside the point. I have witnessed you consulting to an imposter of mine. Someone who imitates thyself. My child, instead of consulting a psychiatrist, you had consulted an imposter."
"What do I need a psychiatrist for? I know I'm nuts" replied Sonu.
"My child, this does not excuse the fact that you mock me. I had sent you several signs through your dreams, in particular, one where you drown in blood, but alas, you paid no heed to my plea. Accept me and worship my greatness or be prepared to be scarred by thousand flaming swords in the bowels of the omniverse post-haste postmortem. I believe you were led astray by an imposter; therefore, I forgive and bless."
"With flying saucers, it's hard not to spill it." And roared with laghter at his own joke.
While Sayeed was busy distracting other critics from the dread that awaited them, Mithun Da approached Sayeed, and pointed one long, slender finger towards God's court. "Sayeed go home". Sayeed entered the gates of trial with a pair of killer shades and an AK-347 to commemorate his Don-like image.
"My child, I have witnessed your stark obsession with aliens and the supernatural world. Yet, I have never seen you speak of God. Tell me then, my child, if aliens are the omniverse, and all knowing, why do they make crop circles?"
"Because they are corny" replied Sayeed.
"My child, you have devoted your life to finding aliens. They cannot find what doesn't exist. Except for these fake Martians. I damn you to spend the rest of the eternity, hovering in a spaceship."
Before Sayeed could react, he was whisked away to a UFO.
God eyes down the handsome hunk while She speaks," My child, do you think you hold anything against myself? I'm God, for my sake! You think the every male up here deosn't release buckets of love excitement upon gazing into my dreamy eyes? Just last night I had a tete-a-tete with Paul Newman and Raj Kapoor."
"But God, is it my fault that I'm so handsome and charming that all the women of IC love me? Besides, my heart only belongs to Shilpa Anand!"
" My child, I have witnessed your affairs with countless women. Your casanova ways have left many women of IC heartbroken. I'm beginning to regret this whole free will thing. Thus, I have no option but to damn you. However, I will not damn you into the gates of Hell. I damn you to spend the entire eternity in a woman's body. Mr. Ishan Bharti, I hope you know how to give yourself a Brazilian wax"
God shrieked in horror, as if she had seen Shradha Nigam. "For My sake, this is more painful than watching KSG dance on Mai Laila Laila Chilaaonga Kurta Phaad ke!"
Huma batted her eyelashes. "God, if you recall, my fellow critics awarded me with the Runway award at the Critics Awards"
"My child, for this fashion crime, commonly referred to as parachute pants by creatures of Earth, I sentence you to spend 50 days in the gates of Hell." As God flips through Huma's book of deeds, she stumbles upon page 43.
"My child, I have witnessed you preaching my ways often." Pause.
"My child, who the hell do you think you are? Me? You will not be joining us. I damn."
"My child. I have come to know about your addiction with the luscious lips of Shilpa Anand and hence with the name 'luscious' itself '"
"CALL ME LUCIOUS ONE MORE TIME, AUR TERI MAAA KI (#$)#$()@4.. FLIPPIN' LOSER) # ($)@#($#) !"
God was startled. She stared back at him, aghast and shocked, "The last time someone blasphemed me like this, I let Hurricane Katrina happen. My child, you will be watching Ronaldo play in hell. I damn."
Noreen trembled as she reached her final destination. She had regretted not listening to God's earlier advice. Ramsha was content, as she believed that she would be travelling to Heaven. She knew that she never sawed DMG, while Miloni and Ash were busy planning out Sonam Kapoor's murder, so that she can join them in Heaven.
Norr fell to God's feet and begged for the Allmighty's forgiveness. "I PROMISE! I'LL NEVER WATCH DMG AGAIN"...
"My Child, you like the chemical king and DMG. No one should be laughing at this. You like DMG. That's a stain on humanity"
Kully, on the other hand seemed excited to meet God.
'Hey God, nice to finally meet you. BTW, is God a nickname? Oh, and now to the real question, can you tell me more about Deepika? What is she like? What is she wearing at this moment, if anything? "
"Thanks for your interest in my ways. To answer your queries: God is not a nickname. It is my name. I battled for eighteen years with knowledge that I was My Father's son. I'm not going to get bent out of shape over a nickname. Deepika?? I let millions die every day, allow wars to be waged in My name and let millions upon millions upon millions more--most children--go to bed hungry and unloved every night. And you query about Deepka? You are a strange individual. We will study you more before we reach a decision." With that said, Kully was to spend the next 100 years in purgatory.
"My Child, I see that little children and old aunties feared you?"
She abruptly stops the humming and asserts vigorously, "In the world below yours, I was worshipped by your creatures as I had been served with powers and if anyone dared my supremacy or Bipasha, then I banned them for life."
Goddess was stunned to see a mere mortal speak to her in such an aggressive manner that she raised her voice significantly and declared "Go ahead my child. I see you are daring God Almighty's authority. Challenge the claim. I dare you. I dare you with eternal damnation in the bowels of the omniverse known as Hell. I double dog dare you."
"My child, how goes it? I have witnessed your sadistic nature and acts of torture against fangirls of all kind. I have also witnessed you praise God, and wanting to become partners with God to watch horrendous acts being committed to fangirls. I shall reserve you a first class ticket to Heaven, where you shall enjoy the fruits. Not only that, I shall assign a two thousand peasants to serve in your honor."
Although Huma was estatic, her modest nature interrupted her. "But God, I don't deserve such a bounty--"
"Okay, if you say so" and within a split second, Huma was thrown into Hell. After an excruciating ten minutes, she was pulled back.
'God! What in the name''
'I was just kidding. He he. Come my child, the Heaven awaits you. If you promise to forget Shah Rukh Khan, I shall send you back to Earth to torture the fan girls'
Nimmi was the next to stand in trial. My child, I have noticed that you have been quite vocal about politics and human rights. You have been quite the subjective person and I have witnessed you raise a few questoins on Mr. George W. Bush-- another creation of mine. My child, you must understand, this is all God's plan. You must not contest it and challenge God's plan by promoting Obama. You must understand that people must fear me first. My child,how can people love Me if they do not fear Me first? You would think after two millennia of allowing wanton slaughter and disease and hunger and literally a bajillion gabillion deaths I would be more feared and, thus, more loved"
"If I tell you people that I love you, then what? No more fear. This reminds me, I have to go make sure some of those Africans starve a little while longer."
'But God, you have praised my works many times before. You have blessed me with your bounty. I'"
'My child, fear not. I have reserved a spot for you in Heaven. I shall visit you occasionally and we shall both make sure that Ron Howard never wins an Oscar'
Caro makes her way to God's court, after a lot of thakofying and langoofying. She contests God's authenticity by questioning her: "Yo God, how many fingers am I holding up?"
"You should not be questioning me on how many fingers you are holding up. You should be questioning me on how many fingers you will lose in an "accident" tomorrow"
You will be placed in the purgatory."
"It felt so real..as if it had happened in actuality.." She shook her head as she tried to recall everything
And not only Aisha, these were the concurrent thoughts churning within the minds of each critic. And they all dismissed it as an eerie dream.
The scene dissolved once again, and shifted to the brightly lit horizon, which was being approached by a figure who looked very much like a woman.
Upon a closer look, reality sets in that it is actually God. The same god that all critics had dreamt about. The same God who was roxthefox. She was walking towards the horizon, whereby Tom cruise awaited her, with open arms, finally to be united with her one and only love.
As she was gliding towards him, she stopped for a moment and turned around. With a mystical smile plastered on her face, she spoke, "This is not the end Critics, it might just not be a dream..Enjoy your last day on Earth.."
Joined: 04 August 2008
Alright so here is a senti message lol. What can I say ?
I had never thought while starting this CC that we would come so far and reach the top within a matter of a few months. On the contrary, I had assumed that it would get shut in a week and would decay in the dump of useless pages
I feel proud to be a part of a community which has members who are
honest, intelligent, witty, funny, loving and yet so down-to-earth. We
are the only crazy lot who are capable of discussing about marriages
and UFOs on the same day lol
we've had a bumpy ride, lots of warning, CCs being locked etc etc, but we survived all of that and still stand strong !
Joined: 20 February 2008
Joined: 20 February 2008
We're here live from the Chat Club section on India Forums, and today is a huge today. Today, the Critics are celebrating their 50th CC! In just a few moments, the Critics will be joining us on the Red Carpet for the premiere of their first feature film "Incognito Critics- The Film' along with the after party.
So here I am, your host and dost for the evening, Foxy Roxy!
And as you can see, there's my co-host, blowing kisses from the other end of the red carpet, Dhara.
Together, we're Dhoxy! Ek classy, tho dusri massi! We'll be interviewing the stars of the film, as they make their way down the red carpet.
Things are starting to heat up on the red carpet, and it's getting very, very exciting out here, as more and more guests are arriving. Camera, can we catch a glimpse of our guest who is entering through the security tent? There we go, there's the close up. Well folks, it's none other than the Writer/Director of the Film-- Neeta Kapoor. We're just waiting for Neeta to make her way up the media line'
So as you can see, she recently got a very interesting
'boyish' haircut and she looks to be wearing an interesting outfit. A little
dominatrix for my taste, but I'm not the fashion police here!
Well hello Ms. Neeta, so good to see you here today on
this red carpet. You must be so excited, that your CC has reached it's pinnacle
of success, and of course, you have directed this film.
'Yes, there are numerous contapenent pails of
exuberance being released at this indefinitely fractious moment'
'Yes that's fantastic. In shoet hand please?'
'Lisen, I'm juss ecksited to bee hair.'
'Now Ms Neeta, I can see that you're wearing a very interesting outfit, but did you forget to wax your chest and your face? I see a little grizzly action going on there'
'Listen, do you think it's easy going through
puberty? Anyway, my boyfriend Daniel
Radcliffe likes how it tickles'
'Well that's fantastic Neeta and I hope you have a great time tonight. Right now, I'm going to send it over to my partner Dhara.
Alright thanks very much Roxy, as you can see here, I'm chatting to Kully, who is looking absolutely lovely in white.
I see that you're flying solo tonight, why is that?
Well you see, my boyfriend and i have parted ways as his parents are
considering Katrina to be their bahu, they like her accent.. Besides, he is not a member of the Critics, right? Anyway, I only
came here to see what that home wrecker Sonam is upto.
Well Kully, I wish you all the best, and secretly hope that you and Sonam get into a cat fight. It would help our trps. Ooops, did I say that out loud? Roxy, I think it's a good time to cut it over to you.
Well thank you Dhara, I am now standing here with a very famous member of Incognito Critics. His name is Ishan, and he's known for having a Casanova image.
Ishan, how true are these rumors?
Well you see, I'm a rare species on Incognito Critics. There are too many women, and too few men, and me being the best looking out of the three, the gals are always fighting over me. But my true love is Shilpa Anand.
Now Ishan we heard that Shilpa has broken up with her
boyfriend, and that you both spent some time together, and this is the reason
behind your sudden absence from Incognito Critics.
That is utter rubbish! Who was the sick minded, disgusting, low grade, carpet muncher, arse who wrote this junk?
It was Ankit.
Well it's absolutely true. Shilpa and I are married and I'm carrying her child.
Um, Ishan, but you're a male.
I'm aware of this fact also.
Well ahah *wipes sweat from forehead*' well we hope you enjoy the party, it is ---
OH MY GOD ! Sorry Roxy, we have to cut your interview short but something caught our attention.
I have arrived!
Well Zainab, welcome'. You have very interesting taste in clothes.
I was inspired by a garbage bag.
That's quite apparent. Don't you think you're dressed a little inappropriate for the party? I mean, did you look at the mirror when you left the house?
Darling, haven't you read my interviews? I don't own
mirrors and brush.
Your outfit has caused quite the commotion, so we're going to try our level best to not talk about it. As you know, today is the 50th bash, and'. Dear GOD what the HELL are you wearing?
I will do anything for the sake of trps for our CC. IT
is the best CC fo sho. If it wasn't for this CC, I would have never learned the
true ways of a HoMmie.
Zainab, you're truly a bindaas critic, even if your outfit is absolutely horrendous. You have done a lot for this CC, and enjoy your night because'. Oh my god, my eyes are burning. Just leave now. Camera, over to Roxy.
I'm just waiting for Noreen to make her way to me so that I can chat with her. She's busy talking to other press members. Here she is now.
Noreen, you look absolutely lovely. A little on the manly and heavy side, but hey! No one's perfect right? So can you tell us the secret behind your sudden muscle gain?
I've been drinking protein shakes.
You mean roids?
No, I mean chemical shakes.
No, herb shakes.
You mean like roids?
Yeah, that's exactly what I was trying to say!
It's good that we're on the same chapter. Now, as you know, this CC was started to discuss about DMG, but it seems everyone has abandoned that show. How do you feel about that?
Well, to tell you the truth, it hurts a lot. I spend
long hours in a dark corner of my room, rolled up into a fetus position, while
sobbing and sucking my thumb.
That's exactly what I wanted to hear. That's the attitude. Now how has your journey been on IC?
It's been great. I mean, we don't agree a whole lot,
but at the end of the day, I'm a critic right?
Noreen, what are you holding in your hand?
It's a protein shake.
Riggggght. I'm going to hand over the mic to Dhara.
I'm standing here right now with the Don of our CC, Mr. Sayeed.
Sayeed, you're looking dashing as always. What do you have to say about the 50th bash?
Well it's so good to come out and celebrate with my
fellow Critters, especially since this is the last time we'll see each other
before that meteor strikes Earth and kills us all.
And there you have it, folks. Some comforting words from our former resident Critic.
Hey Dhara, what do you call a spaceship with a faulty air-conditioning unit?
A frying saucer. Ha Ha Ha.
Roxy, Sayeed looks like he's experiencing a seizure. Over to you.
I've been speaking to the ever so gorgeous, Ms. Riya.
Ms Riya, is it true that you share illicit relationship with another critic?
Please Roxy, I don't talk about
my private life, especially not in the CC, and especially not at such an event.
Please have some decency! I came here to celebrate my bond with the rest of the
critics, and here you are, questioning about my relationships. please,
my lips shall remain sealed otherwise my ex-lover Harman may ask me to do Love
Story 3050 for revealing too much.
You know, even if God came down and asked me, I wouldn't reveal anything. IT's not in my nature to put my private life in front of other critics. You need to learn professionalism. I'm very famous in this CC, and I won many awards at the 1st annual Critic Awards, and despite being such a respected member, you ask me such ghaatiya sawals. I can---'
What's her name?
But I have now left her for the love of my life, Shahid Kapur. I'm soooo in love.
That's good to hear. Now about Incognito Critics, when did you'
I know, I know. Shahid is the best thing to happen to me. He has the most perfect smile, the most perfect eyes.. aye pappi!
I'm glad to hear that you're happy. So, how has your experie'
It's so great, Sasha and I are together all the time. We go for long walks, because we live in the same apartment. Simi tries to create problems, that ********, but at the end, no one can come between us.
Are you excited to watch the film?
Well, not really. Sasha is not here with me. Usually he's always with me, but that stupid Grandmother of his, Vidya Balan, has been trying to snatch him from me. It won't happen. I mean, Sasha and I are soulmates. You know, this one time, Simi fed me so many BL's that I had alcohol poisoning. My Sasha took me to the hospital and he was there with me all night. What a januable!
Dhara, PLEASE, take it away.
Uh'. I'm here with a very famous Critic. She '.well have a look.
Welcome Sonu, it's good to see you look so different on the red carpet. Could you maybe explain your attire to us?
I'm the resident critic. I'm on day and night, and for that reason, I barely sleep and I'm always tired. I thought it's better to bring my boria bistara along, since I'm going to be here all night.
Sonia, you are a legend.
Blah blah blah. Tell me something I don't know.
Now tell us, you must be very excited to see this CC of ours reach it's 50th mark. How do you plan to party?
I'm just here to spam.
Ok. Um, can you tell us what you like the most about this CC?
Ok' is there any messages you want to give to your fellow Critics?
While Sonu spams, I'm going to pass it over to Rox.
I'm standing here with the ever so beautiful Miloni. You are looking absolutely stunning today!
Thank you Rox. I wish I could say the same about you and that ***** Kully.
Wow Miloni, I always thought you were the sweet critic. This is unexpected.
Sorry Rox, I'm just frustrated that KaSh aren't back on screen.
Well I understand your frustration. If you want, you can take it out on Jahluka. Here's a knife.
Thank you Roxy. I just love you and all the Critics. I've been part of this amazing CC since day one. We have all been through so much, and I have discovered all my sisters here. I just love each and all of you with the deepest'
Boring. Over to you Dharu.
Roxy! Mayday! Mayday! I need your help. One of our critics, as she was waslking the red carpet, passed out! I need help! Code red, code red!
Oh my God Simi! Are you ok?
Shutup you fat pumpkin!
Roxy interrupts: Dhara, I think we should cut it over to me.
Simi: how dare you? If I wz dere, you'd be finished by now.
Roxy: I think we need to call security.
Dharu: I think we need to call the SWAT team.
Simi: I think you need to call the DEV team. U kant toch me! I am protected in Iqbals fat. I destroy u wiv ma shoet pinky u horeebal purson.
Rox: Dharu, she likes fat. Get her a cheesecake. That'll calm her.
Simi: shrrup! I onlee eet BL's! I been thoosin on BL's ever sinz dat homewrecker Shahid Kapur stole my Riya from me. Im gunna get bak at her. U woch u just woch. Im gona bee in 3 way relayshunship with Saifeena.
Simi, why have you been in such a mess of state?
Errr day, dat Jahluka stand outside my window n force me to woch chaliya. But I onlee cum here 2 have raat ka nasha wid sukeerti. We half special bond of frandsheep.
*Simi starts beating the camera man*
We're so sorry guys! Let's all forget that incident, and act like it never happened.
*Rox calls up Ramu Kaka*
Ramu Kaka, make sure this story is in the headlines news tomorrow.
I'm standing here with one of our newest critics. Welcome to the bash and our family.
Well Nimmi, you're so intellectual, that we're not even going to try to make fun of you.
Well, actually, I do. I love politics, especially Obama. In fact, I even campaigned for him. You know the great thing about beign American is that you get your voice heard. So I guess in that since, I'm a critic. I also like high brow movies, and yes, I'm a pretentious film snob, but you see I have many other interests, such as books, poetry, and youtube videos. So there's a lot that I could tell you in the span of'
*cuts to Roxy*
Folks, Dhara has fallen unconscious. Until she comes back to life, I will take over. Right now, I'm standing with Aisha, but I'm having a difficult time trying to see her due to her transperecy.
Hello Aisha, how are you today?
Well Roxy, I had to take out time from my exams to make it to the bash. I've been here since day one, so I know I had to come and celebrate our 50th CC! But it was just so difficult because I have 8 exams and I have so much to study. I'm so stressed right now, I don't know what to do.
*roxy pats Aisha on her back*
There there dear. You know we don't give a damn. Now,
can you tell us when you're planning to tan?
Well, I can't. I'm a vampire.
*Aisha bites Roxy in the neck*
Ohhhhhhh kay. Well that was interesting. While Roxy recovers from the blood loss, I'm going to interview our next guest to walk up the red carpet. It's one of our newest critics. Hey Caro, how you doing?
Well I just came back from thakoofying. I have to manage this CC, take care of my bekaari league, and I have been working on Ghaati songs for this CC all day.
Would you like to give us a preview?
Cri ti quing
Cri ti quing
Cr ti quing
Sounds great. Well you look erm' lovely. How did you put this outfit together?
Well I was reading a woman's magazine, and it gave you tips. I went to Walmart to get my outfit, and here I am!
Now how has your experience been with the incognito Critics?
They're all plotting against me.
How do you know that?
You told me.
Ermmm. Folks, while I duck tape Caro's mouth, I'm going to pass it over to Roxy.
Dhara, I'm now with one of Incognito Critics' most adorable members, Chandani:
Hello silly billis!
Chandani, as you know, there are some after party activities that are going to take place. I know that you're one of the team leaders for an activity, and I've heard the game has been rigged, and that you anad your team already have access to the answers and will win? How true are these rumours.
They are very much true.
So' what you're saying is, the game is rigged and you'll win regardless?
You got it. Besides, that's how I won jhalak.
Now, is it true that you're in a relationship with another critic?
Well, we did have a fling, but it was nothing more. My heart belongs to my love Billy, and I know that she's been trying to set her paws on Billy, but at the end of the day, he's mine.
So the rumours are true! Well Chandu, can you reveal the name of this alleged critic whom you had a fling with, and who is eyeing your current beau, so we can shame and ridicule them?
Yes, it's Sonia.
Perfect! Well thank you so much for chatting with us Chandani, and I hope you have a fantastic time at the bash! Let's see who you've got there, Dharu!
Roxy, I'm standing with one of our older critics, who's been very MIA lately. We're surprised she even came to the bash. Welcome, Sidra.
Sidra, tell us, what's the reason behind yoru sudden disappearance?
Well I've been taking acting classes.
We admire the effort, but when you know you're going to fail, why even try? Trying is the first step to failure. Can you tell us what you've been doing while you were absent?
I've been busy holding anti-dostana campaigns as well as working on my wig. This one is very worn out, so I have to kill a few critics tonight, cut their hair and paste it to my head.
Well all the best to you. Neeta has some facial and chest hair tht could be taken care of, if you know what I mean. Now, I see that you've gained a lot of weight since the last time I saw you. Why is that?
I've been eating a lot of tacos.
Is that a taco in your mouth right now?
Yes it is.
Ok, well we're going to let Sidra enjoy her tacos, in the meanwhile, who have you got there Roxy?
I'm chatting with our masoom critic, Mahi, who doesn't look so masoom right now.
Tell us Mahi, are you getting married?
I'm too young to get married! Besides, I have to find a guy who matches my preferences!
And what's that?
He should know how to make Maggie noodles.
Mahi, I hate to tell you the truth at such a young age, but you're going to be single forever.
So you mean I'm gonna die single?
Well, no. You're going to drown in a tub full of Maggies. At least you will be with your loves when you die. But let's not talk about our horrible futures. You look lovely today. Can you tell us about this fine jewelry that you are wearing?
Well you see, I was given a choice to between Noreen and yourself, Roxy. Noreen wanted to be with me and Roxy wanted to adopt me. Noreen promised me that she would give me all the love in the world, and always take care of me, always look after me, and you promised to give me the family jewels. I made a choice that any sane human would make'I went for the family jewels.
Ata girl! Materialism zindabaad! Well, it was lovely speaking to you. Hey, look over there! It's a tray full of Maggie noodles!
*Mahi looks away, while Rox takes off her necklace and puts it in her bag*
Over to you, D!
Kanika is going to approaching us shortly. As you can see here, Kanika looks very baked and hammered, so for the decency of our show, and because this is a family show, we're going to refrain from making such comments.
Hello Dhara, I finally came. I had to ditch chasmish just to make it to the party.
I'm glad you made it, Kanika. Now can you tell us why you look so hammered and baked?
It's because I am. I was so excited to be here, that I partied in the limo.
*Kanika starts grinding against Dhara*
Um Kanika, this is a family show. Some please! Save the masoom critics! Oh wait' OMG! Look, it's Mitsy!
*Kanika stops dancing, and shares an intense eye lock with Mitsy*
Ahh'. Guys? Guys? Hello? Can you stop staring at each other??? I'm here too, you know!! I think it's better to cut it over to Roxy for now!
Rox: OMG! Look who's here! The hottest looking diva on this planet. *Fanboy screech*
Sam: Oh Thank you. I am '
Rox - OMG, You know girls stare at you more than your hunkish Boyfriend? What do you have to say about that?
Sam - Well that's quite normal. Who do you think I am? Kareena? People have to notice me otherwise you know I can go 'round wich you all!
Rox ' Sam, you've seen just about all Chat Clubs. How do you feel about Incognito Critics?
Well Rox, I'm not going to lie, nor am I going to take bribes. I honestly feel that this is the best chat club in the history of chat clubs. Because of you guys, the tourist population of CC section has tripled. I'm thankful for you guys to bring us so much business. You guys are just too awesome.
*Roxy pays Sam under the table*
Back to you, D!
Um, Roxy'. I'm still here with Mitsy and Kanika, who are still engaged in an eye lock session.
Guys, do you need a room?
Mitsy, oh uh, sorry. Hey Dhara' how are you ma gurl?
Well I'm great, and it's so good to see you. Come, give me a jhappi.
Mitsy, who whoa wait! Back off, dude. Koi humey touch karey, humey acha nahi lagtha.
Kanika: Dude, woh tho sirf'
Mitsy: humey koi aur advice dey, yeh hum se bardasht nahi hota. Stop flaring your nose.
Kanika: Aaj tak purey CC main kisi nai mujhse unchi awaz mai nahi baat ki.
*Kanz and Mitsy are now hitting each other*
OMG!!! A fight has broken out on the red carpet! Let's all sit back and watch! Popcorn please!
Go Mitsy gooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh uh, hi folks! I'm here with another one of my masoom critters, Ramsha.
Ramsha, don't you think you're revealing too much skin for such a young Critic? I mean, this is a family party, after all.
I know, but I sawed this costume in my dream and I knewed it that I had to wear it.
Ramsha, do you think you're setting up a bad example for other masoom critics, such as Mahi and Neha?
Yes absolutely. That's the whole point. Now where's Shona?
Shona is inside the movie theater, waiting for you. She falled on the red carpet so we had to rush her in.
OMG?! She felled? I'm going to her rescue! Bye!
Uhh' ok? Well dharu, who do you have with you right now?
Well I'm standing here with the ever so beautiful Gagan. Welcome to the bash.
Thanks Dhara. I had to come here, since I have the number one CC in the Chat club section.
Um, actually that's us.
No Dhara, you're wrong, you haven't seen our trps! It's sky high!
Gagan, we're just going to pretend that we didn't hear anything. So how is---
VOTE FOR ME VOTE FOR ME VOTE FOR ME.
Gagan, I wanted to ask you about this Chat'
You know, I'm so pissed these days! I'm not even getting enough screen times. My retarded costars are taking the spot light away from me. I won't tolerate this. I AM GOING TO BAN YOU ALL!!!!!
But Gagan, tonight is '
OMG! Is that Gauhar Khan over there? That *****
Gagan, are you trying to say that you want to pull her hair and punch her in the face?
Well not really, I was'
GREAT! Here's a glove. Beneath the eyes. Well we'd love to stay and chat, but we have better things to do. Over to you Roxy!
Joined: 12 November 2007
Joined: 20 February 2008
Joined: 04 August 2008
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