A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.
"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
"Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny. "My mother can," Danny replied. "Really?" "Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home.
1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
2. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
4. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
5. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
6. Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got.
7. Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
8. A ship is safe in the harbor but that isn't what ships are for.
9. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of his beer.