Posted: 02 April 2009 at 3:09am
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Night time reflections…
I don't know what woke me up.
Was it the cacophony of ambulance or was it the sound of screeching
breaks of a motor bike enthusiast? Times like these make me rethink my
decision of living in the city rather than the suburbs. It's very
taxing when one's sleep gets often compromised especially after a super
long shift at hospital.
As I fumbled to find glass of water on my bed
side table, my fingers automatically curled around the picture frame
that she had gifted me a few months ago. My fingers overrode my primal
need of thirst and softly traced the contours of the frame. My mind
instinctively started naming facts about the picture that was inside
that frame; the color of her dress, the exact curve of her smile lines,
a faint trail of a sweat bead at base of her neck, her bright eyes and
an exuberant expression. I was never one for collecting memorabilia.
She wasn't the first one to present me with something this personal.
But her gift was the first one to make to my bedside table though.
There were times when I wondered what exactly had changed? In the
beginning I was surprised at my attraction towards her. She was the
antithesis of everything I looked in a woman before, yet, her company
was simply intoxicating. I had believed it as a harmless crush which
would pass with time, but it hadn't; and I was glad that it hadn't.
Each and every one of us starts off as a blank slate; be it
relationship or otherwise. Over the years things get written and get
committed to our memories. We make memories as we go along, sometimes
documenting in a tangible way of pictures, journal entries, greeting
cards, gifts, trinkets and sometimes these memories are safely hidden
in the crevices of the brain. It's logical for a person to revisit
these memories during the course of life. There was a time when I
believed that hanging on to memories crippled me in way that slowed
down my movement towards future.
Of late I have realized that it's not
too bad to revisit old conversations, read a year old journal entry; it
gave me an entirely different perspective of myself. It scared and
elated me at the same time. My actions have defined me what I am today.
And I am happy with the way I have turned out; at least up till now.
fingers are still tracing outline of her face on that picture frame
when passing cool breeze manages to give me goose bumps. My thoughts
always seem to go her during these sole moments of my loneliness. Her
company gives me a sense of safety net. With her I can think aloud,
ponder, observe people around and simply talk without any inhibitions.
It's really hard to be like that with another human being, given the
judgmental attitude that all of us seem to possess. I cannot callously
speak about something and expect people to understand and accept it as
my point of view. The world doesn't work that way.
Even though ideally
that's how it should be, but that's not how it is. Between what we are
and what we want to be, comes our society. I am really glad that I have
such a figure in my life. I can ramble on my thoughts, literally think
out aloud and get away with it. I am not scared of being mocked up on
my line of thought nor am I scared of the fact that after I finish my
rambling, she would think of me otherwise. It's a nice secured feeling
that you get when you sleep on your mother's lap.
I know that when
a relationship starts to mature, the decisions taken by one would
automatically reflect on the other; be it emotionally or even
physically. It was my own sheer stupidity that made me realize that how
horribly we were tangled up in each other. Sometimes my anger hurt her
more than she showed me. My recklessness, when I rode motorcycle scared
her more than she wanted to admit to. My past experience with women had
sown a seed of bitter insecurity in her which she had accepted without
The first tear that was caught in her eyelashes for far too
long made me bite my tongue, count to hundred before I utter angry
words. Her frantic heart beat, which she thinks I cannot hear or feel,
gives away her fear when someone challenges me for a bike race which I
politely decline. When I lean into her whenever I speak with a lady
friend, I can feel heat radiating from her and she leans into me ever
so slightly, sharing my own personal space, as if she always belonged
Changes are inevitable in our lives. Changes happen in our lives
whether we like it or not; just like life. One might think that these
are compromises or sacrifices that I had to make to keep a healthy
relationship. But I beg to differ. My point of view of seeing things,
feeling things and living life has been slightly altered. It has just
been aligned with hers.
Sleep will come to me again and when it
does, it would be filled with sound of ruffling of her suit, smell of
forest scenting perfume, her sparkling eyes and gentle smile.
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