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15. I am not allowed
to call my pregnant sister-in-law fat.
"Bhabhi, aap itna kyun kha rahi ho?" Preet furrowed his brows as Heer attacked the paranthas before her with a ferocity that scared him.
"Kyun?" Heer paused, eyes widening at her dewar. She dropped the spoonful of yogurt she had been spooning onto her plate and patted herself down. She blinked tremulously a few times. "Main moti lag rahi hoon?" She turned to her husband. "I'm fat na? You won't love me anymore!" She began to wail and Prem hastily tried to pacify her.
Meher hit the back of her husband's head discretely. "By God Preet, don't you know any better?"
Preet hid his amusement on the matter, and rubbed the back of his head. "Do you have to be so violent?"
Meher narrowed her eyes at her significant other. "Yes, because my husband is an idiot."
"It was an innocent question!" he protested.
"She's pregnant!" Meher shot back. "You should know by now how emotional pregnant women can be! You learnt this when KulDi was pregnant."
Preet nodded, wincing in remembrance at the screams and crashes that had been frequent during his elder sister's pregnancies. Come to think of it, there had been a lot of tears then as well.
Pregnant woman were scary, Preet decided.
14. I am not allowed to call my sister fat.
"WHAT?" Veera shrieked. Nihaal tried valiantly to calm his irate wife down.
"Nonee agrees, don't you?" Preet continued, seemingly unaware of his younger sister glaring at him, boring holes into his skull. Nonee gave him a look that told him not to involve her in this. "You look like you've gained some weight. Maybe you should watch what you eat?"
Veera stalked up to her brother and snarled, "I am not fat."
"Of course not," Preet soothed. Meher dropped her head into her hands, knowing Preet was getting a kick out of this. "But if you're not careful, you will be, just like Maa."
Jaws dropped and Preet stiffened, just realising what he had said. Veera smirked smugly. She did not need to do anything now.
Preet screamed bloody murder as his mother dragged him by the ear to his room before she proceeded to ground him.
13. I am not allowed to call my wife fat.
"Meher, you're not pregnant are you?" Preet looked up at his wife from his position on their bed.
"What?" Meher was flabbergasted. "No! Why would you say that?"
Preet shrugged. "Bas, thodi moti lag rahi thi, so I thought," he trailed off.
His wife's eyes narrowed. "Moti?" she repeated.
"Haan, thodi," Preet admitted. "It's not a bad thing, but I thought I'd mention it."
Meher picked up a pillow and flung it straight at her husband's face. He yelled in surprise.
"Preet," she said sweetly. "Bhag."
12. I am not allowed to call any woman fat.
"But I don't get it," Preet complained to Nonee as they strolled down the street. "What's wrong with being honest? I thought women liked honesty!"
"Not about this," Nonee cried, exasperated. "You don't tell someone they're fat. End of story."
"But what if they ask?" Preet continued. He gestured to a couple of girls walking ahead of them. "Like say, I mentioned to her that those jeans made her look big, when she asked. Why would she get annoyed with me still?"
Said girl had overheard Preet's offhand comment and had looked down at herself in horror. Her friend tried to calm her down, but it was to no avail.
"Shifali," her friend called out as Shifali spun on her heel and walked back towards Preet and Nonee. "Don't! Shifs!"
Shifali got into Preet's face. "These jeans," she spat. "make me look fabulous."
Preet squeaked. "Okay."
Shifali nodded, and turned back to her friend, who looked as though she did not know where she wanted to hide. "Chalo, Zahra."
Preet swallowed. "I will never call someone fat again," he vowed.
11. I am not allowed to pay someone to be the other woman in Nonee's relationship.
"Chuck, darling," the woman cried, draping herself around Nonee's rich angrez boyfriend. Said boyfriend looked equal parts intrigued and exasperated. Nonee just looked pissed off. Preet hid his smirk.
"Where have you been?" the woman continued, playing with Chuck's hair. Chuck looked at her dispassionately, having taken in Nonee's fury.
"I'm sorry, have we met before?" he drawled.
The woman flushed angrily. "Met?" she repeated, before the annoyance cleared from her face and she grinned charmingly. "You could say that." She raised an eyebrow. "But if you have forgotten, we could get," she trailed a finger down his chest, "reacquainted."
Chuck carefully disentangled the lady's arms from himself. "Or you could leave before I file a restraining order."
The woman took a step back. "I'll leave then," she glared at Nonee, who had possessively gripped her boyfriend's arm. She shot what she thought was a seductive look to Chuck. "You can find me at the bar of the hotel, if you want anything."
The second she was out of sight Nonee whirled around to face Chuck. "Why in the hell was Vanessa Abrams propositioning you?"
"Nonee, sweetheart, I'm Chuck Bass," he smirked. Nonee hit him on the chest and he winced.
"Well, Chuck Bass," she seethed. "You can go back to Vanessa then tonight. I'm sure her company would be more desirable."
Chuck stood stunned for a second as his girlfriend stalked off, before sauntering after her. Preet silently congratulated himself on a job well done.
It is safe to say he was very much disappointed when half-an-hour later Nonee returned on the arm of Chuck Bass, giggling at something he had said. Meher twisted his ear slightly and told him that he was not allowed to hire a girl to try and break his best friend's relationship.
10. I am not allowed to pay someone to be the other man in Nonee's relationship.
"What on Earth?" Chuck Bass had never been as stunned in his life as he was in that moment. "Nathaniel, what has gotten into you?"
Nate smirked at his lifelong best friend. "I was bored, got a call, and figured, what the heck."
"So you decided to insinuate that we were having a relationship, in front of my girlfriend?" Chuck asked incredulously.
The brunette shook his head. "You really need to get laid."
It was at this inopportune moment that Nonee re-entered the room and heard Nate's reply of "Are you offering?"
She looked at the closeness between the two men, let out an unintelligible growl and turned around and exited the room. And walked in on her so-called best friend congratulating himself on a flawless plan.
Preet had to apologise to Chuck, grovel before Nonee and promise never to interfere with her relationship again. On the bright side, he made a new friend in Nate Archibald.
9. I am not allowed to go on a coffee-drinking spree with Nate.
"Pa-pa!" Preet cried. Nate continued, "This is the sound of settling."
Their audience joined them with, "Pa-pa! Pa-pa!"
"I don't know the rest," Preet commented frankly after a silence that was threatening to become awkward.
Nate giggled uncontrollably. "Neither do I!"
"Maybe the two of you have had enough," the waitress that approached their table said slowly.
"You have a pretty smile," Nate grinned at the girl, who flushed darkly. Preet smiled at the love.
"Ah, the love," he said. The girl coloured again and turned and fled.
Nate pouted at her departure. "What did you do that for?"
"You know her name," Preet shrugged. "Plus she'll give us more coffee."
"Name?" Nate tilted his head. "What's her name?"
"It was on her nametag," Preet made a face. "Meera, it said."
"Why speak Yoda, do you?" Nate smirked. At Preet's confusion, he just shook his head. "Nevermind."
"Meera!" Preet called the waitress back. She exchanged a glance with the other waitress before cautiously making her way over. "More coffee please?"
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Meera hedged.
"Pretty name, pretty smile, pretty girl," Nate sighed, smiling up at Meera.
She blushed again. "I'll go get your coffee." She hurried away. Her friend approached the table and placed a paper in front of Nate.
"You're not Meera," he complained.
The girl raised an eyebrow. "No, I'm not. And you're cute, but not my type. More hers anyway. Which is why I'm giving you her number."
"Did you have coffee?" Preet wondered. The girl spoke fast.
"I wish," she slumped slightly. "Meera doesn't let me drink on the job."
Preet pouted sympathetically. "That sucks."
"Radz, what are you doing?" Meera poured Preet and Nate more coffee. While Preet gulped it down, burning his mouth in the process, Nate continued to stare at Meera, besotted.
"Complaining about the lack of caffeine I've been consuming. It's not good for me, this deprivation."
"Stop using big words and get back to work," the other girl ordered. The bell above the door chimed, and Meera shook her head when she caught sight of who had entered. "That will be the last cup of coffee you're getting today."
"And I'm going to be monitoring the amount of coffee you intake from now on," Meher scolded. Preet groaned.
Nate smirked and pocketed the paper Radz had kept on the paper. He would be making a call that night. He whistled happily, skipping to the tune as he trailed behind a sulking Preet and an annoyed Meher.
8. I am not allowed to encourage old aunties to hit on PB.
It was Kul Di's anniversary party, and everybody was busy. Heer Bhabhi was sitting in a corner, with Maa and a whole bunch of Maa's friends, all of them cooing over Bhabhi's baby bump. Harman Bhai was (much to Preet's shock) flirting successfully with Ashlesha. (And really, no one had seen that coming.) Bauji was having an exuberant conversation with someone or the other while Kiran Jiju was romancing KulDi shamelessly. Nihaal and Veera were missing, and Preet made a face at that, not even wanting to know where they were or what they were up to.
It was safe to say, that with everyone occupied - Meher had managed to get the kids to behave only because she promised to tell them a story - Preet was bored. Actually, scratch that. He was beyond bored.
And now? His eyes gleamed a little, and Aidan sighed a little when he saw this, retreating to a corner (and dragging Bhav with him, but no one needed to know that). Preet had a plan.
Five minutes later, Prem was surrounded by a whole bunch of old women from the neighbourhood, all reaching out to touch him. He yelped a little when he felt something brush his butt. Eyes wide, he looked down at the aunties.
"Toh, Prem," one bat her heavily mascara-ed eyes. "tum toh bohut fit lag rahe ho." She squeezed his bicep, and Prem panicked. Seriously, what was up with the aunties today? Where was his wife? Where was his mother?
"Ravjot Aunty," he stammered, "thank you?"
"Oi hoi, Ravz, yeh toh sharma raha hai," another winked at him. "Kyun Prem, inna laal kyun ho gaye ho?"
"Ji?" he squeaked. He cleared his throat and hastily added. "Woh, Heer mujhe bula rahi hai Asma Aunty, main bas," he gestured vaguely to one side and, evading their grabby hands, escaped.
Preet howled with silent laughter from where he stood, tears streaming down his face. He did not notice Prem spot him and narrow his eyes. He did not notice his PB change his course, realisation dawning on him. And he definitely did not notice PB stop in front of him, arms crossed.
What he did notice was the sound of a throat clearing. He looked up at the stern look on PB's face, and the raised eyebrow.
Abruptly, he stopped laughing.
"No," was all Prem said.
7. I am not allowed to encourage young girls to hit on PB.
When Prem found himself surrounded by a handful of young girls he recognised as his neice's classmates, he sighed.
"Uncle," little Rinki tilted her head slightly and pursued her lips. Prem had to admit that she looked adorable doing that, and that she would grow up to be a heartbreaker. But this was pass awkward and borderline creepy now. "aap bilkul," she stretched the word, cheeky smile gracing her face, "John Abraham ki tarah lagte ho."
"Haan," Kimmie chimed, echoed by the other girls. He shook his head as Shabo added that John was hot, and Maddy giggled. Really, Preet sent children to hit on him? Children?
Shooing them off, easily enough, since they all adored Heer and could not wait for the new baby to be born, he went stalking off to tell his brother off again.
6. I am not allowed to hit on PB.
Preet tapped his fingers against his glass for a couple of seconds. It was fun seeing PB get so flustered, but PB had gone to Meher to get her to stop him, so now Preet was bored. Again.
He straightened as a thought entered his mind. Scanning the large crowded room for his older brother, he stood up and made his way over to where PB was taking a breather, away from people. A small smirk played on his lips when he saw how close PB was standing to some of the neighbourhood gossips.
"Jaan," he drawled, hooking an arm through PB's, "tu yahaan par hai?"
He heard a choke come from behind him and had to fight to keep his chuckles at bay. Prem simply looked at him in shock.
"Main kabse tumhara wait kar raha tha," he sidled closer to PB. PB, on the other hand, was struggling to get his arm back.
"Preet, chod mujhe."
"Par jaanu," Preet ducked his head next to Prem's, and Prem jerked back.
"No, Preet," his brother sighed. "Just, no."
5. Or HB.
When Preet settled himself into a chair next to Heer, an arm draped casually over the back of her chair, flowery praises flowing out of his mouth, Maa turned to him and raised an eyebrow.
He fought the urge to pout. Heer moved slightly to face him as he leant back in his chair and crossed his arms across his chest.
She pat him on the cheek a couple of times and soothed him with, "It's ok Preet, I'm sure you will find someone else to hit on."
4. Or anyone other than Meher.
Each family member and friend he approached simply shook their heads as he tried to unsettle them or get them to play along with his admittedly extremely cheesy attempts at flirting. Not even Nate was willing to play along, trailing behind the barista he had managed to snag a date with.
He came across his wife at one point, and she simply smirked with him. Giving in to the childish urge, he stuck his toungue out at her.
"Kyun jaanu," she purred, "koi mila nahi?"
He spluttered as it dawned on him just why everyone had so easily turned him away. Meher threw back her head and positively cackled as she walked away. Preet looked on after her.
"I love my wife."
3. I am not allowed to call myself a superhero and save people.
Nobody should have been surprised when Preet decided to jump out of his room wearing a cape and what looked like one of his father's old hats on his head and declare himself Supermegaawesomefoxyhot Man, saviour of small children and cuddly animals. Except for cats because they scratched.
He was allowed to carry on as he was for a few days, mostly because he stayed out of everyone's way and they had no complaints from the neighbours. Then they got a call from the lady who lived across the street.
Meher knew she really should not laugh. She knew that, and she was trying not to. But it was such an utterly ridiculous situation, and only her husband would find himself in such a situation.
Preet, looking extremely sheepish, and knowing full well what was coming, was stuck up a tree, the kite he had been helping take down lying on the ground.
2. I am not allowed to encourage anyone else to do the same.
Preet's desire to be a superhero was quashed, but that did not mean his love for them had subsided. So when Tannu and Vikaas and Rohan were spotted around the house playing at superheros (one was Queen T, one was calling himself BhootBuster and the last had settled on Snatch, and Veera should really not be allowed to let the kids watch televsion with her anymore), no one batted an eye. When they were joined by their friends, the household smiled indulgently and played along.
When the kids' parents came over to complain about the fact that their children never took their costumes off and were convinced they were actually superheroes, something had to be done. Preet refused to talk to anybody for a week after they forbade him from playing superheroes with the children. The three children joined him in the silent treatment towards the rest of the family.
1. I am absolutely and completely not allowed in the kitchen. Not to make toast. Or tea. (Not even to get water.)
Catastrophe struck each time any of the men stepped into the kitchen. This was a well-known fact in the Juneja household. Still, the men continued attempting to prove that they were capable of cooking, or at least making tea.
However, this was taking things too far. The first time, Preet had attempted to make food for his wife, he had managed to burn his hand and overturn the entire kitchen. The second time, he had been making tea for himself, not wanting to disturb Meher's rest. He had broken his foot, and the door. Harman was still the only one who knew how he had managed that. He had tried making toast for the kids' once. The toaster blew up. The kids' thought it was hilarious.
But this, Meher considered the house from where she stood next to Maa, this was insane, she decided as she watched the firefighters' put out the blaze that had spread throughout the left wing of the house.
"What were you even doing?" Veera asked increduously of her older brother.
Preet looked mournfully at his family.
"I was only getting a glass of water!"
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